[nurse_reedle]

Originally Posted by JustPeachy

I didn't have the option of knowing so much back when I placed, so if my son's mom was going to bf, I probably wouldn't have known about it. I had no idea at that time that it would even be a possibility. However, after reading some of the posts here on amoms inducing lactation, I have to say, if it was an option at the time, I would not have felt comfortable with it. It's hard to explain why. Some of the other bmoms touched on it, but for me it's so hard to put into words. I wish I would have breastfed my son, even for just a day. My doctor actually tried to get me to do so, but I had it set in my mind that if I was placing, I couldn't do it PERIOD. She was pressuring me to bf because she wanted me to keep my baby, and I really didn't even think or know I could bf for just a few days and still place my child for adoption. I was young, naive, and uninformed, but also, at that time, most mothers still were not breastfeeding, so I guess I didn't want to start it to begin with. In retrospect, I wish I would have done it. Maybe if I got to know my son's mom, and we were planning an open adoption and we could talk it over and I really got to get a comfort level with it, I could be swayed to change my mind, but the way I feel right now, I just don't know if I could be comfortable with the situation.

I am not trying to be antagonisitc (I hope my question doesn't come off this way), but I would like to ask the amoms if they were unable to breastfeed for whatever reason, if they would feel comfortable letting the birthmother breastfeed their child. What about another woman altogether? A wetnurse or friend or other relative? Or another amom who had induced lactation?

Well, I have nursed a friend's child. I wish my son would have been breastfed by his foster mother in Guatemala. I would not be comfortable with a wet nurse, don't know about a friend, would depend on the situation I guess, and I would be comfortable with my sister, but she would not. The thing is, I would be "comfortable" on one hand (knowing it is better than formula) but I would be sad too...that it wasn't *me* nursing...and I can TOTALLY understand first mothers feeling that way!

[lovemy2boys]

Originally Posted by loveajax

Tanman and Blessed, I am cracking up because I feel EXACTLY the same way. I "know" bfeeding is better for a child, but I have never wanted to do it. My mom and sis had a really hard time with it and I swear it made my sister "crazy" because she wasn't successful at it. My favorite SIL and one of my best friends never tried. I like that I had a "reason" (so I thought!) not to do it...but of course some annoying woman ranted on and on to me about how I should do adoptive bfeeding. just wasn't for me (though I completely DO understand why it is for others and understand all the arguments for it, etc.). I was afraid I would get flamed for saying so so I am glad I can just join the bandwagon...haha!

I'm right here with you...I can't tell you how many posts I started and deleted because I just didn't want to have to defend myself...

Like others have already said - it's my own personal hangup...

So I'm jumping on the bandwagon with you, Tanmans, blessed and supa...

We can start our own conga line...

[nurse_reedle]

Originally Posted by lovemy2boys

I'm right here with you...I can't tell you how many posts I started and deleted because I just didn't want to have to defend myself...

Like others have already said - it's my own personal hangup...

So I'm jumping on the bandwagon with you, Tanmans, blessed and supa...

We can start our own conga line...

I really appreciate the tone everyone that doesn't agree with it is taking. Thank you for your input, even though it isn't supportive of breastfeeding.

[karla-k]

Jumping in here. I am a PAP. We are waiting to bring home our son who is 8.5 months old. We probably have a couple more months of waiting

I breastfed my 3 bio kids and was planning to BF our new son, but things are not working out for that to happen.

If we were adopting a newborn domestically I would definitely plan to BF. My reasons are simple: best for baby (nutritionally and bonding wise) and because my adopted child is no different from my bio kids, breastfeeding included. If you would not want me to raise the baby you place with us the same as we have been raising our 3 bio kids, you are not the right match for us.

I agree with posters who have stated that after TPR, the amom needs to do what she feels is best for the baby, including breastfeeeding, circumcism, or whatever. If the emom feels that strongly about the amom not breastfeeding, she should state so beforehand. If the PAPs are asked, they should honestly state what they intend to do.

Excuse me if I offend anyone, but the posters on here who are adamantly opposed to anyone else breastfeeding their child seem to be thinking more about themselves than what is best for the baby. If the only reason you don't want the amom to breastfeed is because it is "your right" to that, you are not thinking of the baby first. I know that it must be painful to think of another woman doing for your child what you cannot do, but how is breastfeeding any different than other everyday tasks the amom will be doing for the child?

[BlessedbySnuggs]

Nurse_reedle...I just want to say one more little thing. Just because BF isn't right for me, absolutely doesn't mean that its not right for you!

I just wanted to clarify that! I am not against BF at all, just wasn't right for us and our situation! That's all!

ETA: Lovemy2boys....I am so there in the conga line with you!!!! CONGA!

[thanksgivingmom]

karla...there are different studies that show lots of different things as being "best for" children.

Breast feeding is "best" for the children. However many MANY children grow up healthy, bonded, and perfectly adjusted, normal, whatever you want to call it from formula feeding.

Some say that it's "best" for the children to have a SAHP (Mom OR Dad). So are all adoptive Moms or Dads that dont have a SAHP not doing what's best for their child? No. They're doing what's best for them as a family unit - including the child. Because many MANY children grow up healthy, bonded, and perfectly adjusted, normal, whatever you want to call it with parents that both must work.

(Please note, I'm not trying to turn this into a SAH vs working debate!!!!!)

But it would be silly to accuse every Mom that works here that she's not focused on what's BEST for her child (and don't point out that all Mom's HAVE to work and that it's not a choice - some choose to and like to, and that's their right too )

I just am not a fan of the insinuation that I don't care about what's best for Cupcake because of this. You may "know" that it must be painful, but you cannot know HOW hard it is to live with all those everyday tasks - including breastfeeding.

[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by karla-k

Excuse me if I offend anyone, but the posters on here who are adamantly opposed to anyone else breastfeeding their child seem to be thinking more about themselves than what is best for the baby. If the only reason you don't want the amom to breastfeed is because it is "your right" to that, you are not thinking of the baby first. I know that it must be painful to think of another woman doing for your child what you cannot do, but how is breastfeeding any different than other everyday tasks the amom will be doing for the child?

I find the above statement to be a rather audacious one. The birthmoms who have posted on this thread have written about their own feelings on the subject. That was what was asked of us: to share our honest opinions on how we would have felt about ABF. Not one of these birthmoms, myself included, put themselves first when making an adoption plan for our babies. To say that if we don't like the idea of ABF, then we must not be thinking of the baby first or we're not acting in the baby's best interests is ludicrous. The main reason for most voluntary relinquishments, at least for the bmoms on this forum, is just that: the baby's best interests.

I'm sorry if I've offended you with my response. But I have a really hard time not jumping in when I see someone say that any of these fine bmoms here don't have their child's best interests at heart. Believe me, we know all about "the best interests of the child". And I get a little tired of seeing people slam bmoms from time to time by throwing that phrase into the mix whenever a bmom doesn't like something or has mixed feelings about any issue.

[karla-k]

I guess I should qualify my statement to read: IF an emom thinks that breast is best and does not want the amom to breastfeed b/c of her "rights" as the birthparent, who is she really thinking of? IF a birthparent believes that a SAH parent is the best but won't place with a couple who has a SAH parent just b/c she won't get to be the SAH parent to the baby is no different in my opinion.

Many children grow up just fine not getting the "best" of whatever, whether it is b/c of circumstances or the parents making those decisions willingly. I agree with that.

I guess as a PAP it blew me away that an emom would not want me to give my adopted child all that I have given my biological children, including breastfeeding. To not breastfeed (if I was able to) when I had breastfed my other 3 kids, would be the same as me doing less for our new son. It breaks my heart that I won't be able to give him that.

[karla-k]

I am very sorry that you feel that I don't respect you as a birthparent. That was not my intention at all. I cannot imagine what you have gone through to make the decision to place your child with someone else to raise. I do believe that you made the best decision you could have and were only thinking of your child during that time.

My comment is limited to the idea of breastfeeding only, not the actual placing of a child.

[binkybear]

I think what might be throwing people..aps, and paps..(me)...off a little is/was trying to wrap brains around a totally amazing unselfish life decision having this admittidly selfish, irrational and silly point become the deciding factor. Or that this one single element to motherhood would be denied in order to validate one's own self in motherhood. I had a major brainfart over it this afternoon and then just decided to let it go becuase it's not my situatoin, life or issue to dwell on. So I passed the brain gas and feel much less brain bloated at the current moment! It's just a little confusing and that's not slamming or judging anyone here or out in the world.

[karla-k]

I was wondering what that smell was

[binkybear]

Originally Posted by karla-k

I was wondering what that smell was

essssss cuse me

[RavenSong]

Thanksgivingmom, you've said a couple really profound things on this thread that have touched me deeply, especially as a birthmother.

Originally Posted by thanksgivingmom

I know it's selfish, and maybe silly, but I feel like breastfeeding is that step to being erased completely. If her Mom can do EVERYTHING I can, then what good am I? (Now I KNOW this is irrational, and like I said, possibly silly, I'm just tossing out some hard honesty). Do I just get erased into the abyss? Am I forgotten? Obsolete? Was I just an incubator? (I told you this would be ugly and selfish, but it's honest, so please, no flaming).

You've managed to hit it right on the nail, TGM. Yes, it's a raw emotion, but an absolutely honest one. I remember those feelings so vividly, those complex emotions following the actual relinquishment of my newborn son. And now 36 years later, I sit and ponder how I would have felt if ABF had been practiced back then by amoms...how would I have felt? And what comes to mind, but what I've been hesitant to put down, is exactly what you've said here. The fear of total erasure from his life, of being inconsequential, forgotten...just being seen as an incubator. Those may be irrational fears, irrational gut feelings, but they exist deep down inside.

God, it is so hard, so incredibly hard, to place one's baby for adoption. It's easy to talk about what's in the best interests of the child. But I am not a martyr...I have to do what is also best for me, so I don't become a lifelong mess. I cannot erase the fact or memories of bringing a new life into this world, nor would I want to. Those are the most precious memories I have in all of my 54 years of existence in this world. The months, days, hours, and seconds I carried my son within my body.

It took me a long time to realize that it was okay to do things that were in my best interests too. I am also a member of the human race, just as my son is. I cannot sacrifice everything, or I will become a basket-case. Call me selfish, but there are some things that I must be able to keep for myself. My biological connection to my son is one of these things. If I simply wouldn't have been able to wrap my head around the thought of ABF for my son, that doesn't mean that I am a horrible mother, that I didn't have his best interests in mind. It means that I am human, a woman with complex feelings and fears, irrational though they may be.

Originally Posted by thanksgivingmom

But in the beginning, when my body was producing milk that was a constant (and painful - physically and emotionally) reminder that I had just brought a child into this world that I WASN'T bfeeding, I don't think I could handle the thought of someone else doing it.

And this was the first thing that came to mind when I started seriously thinking about this subject. That was one of the hardest parts of relinquishment for me...my milk coming in. The doctor gave me a shot in the hospital to dry my milk up. It didn't work at all. I lactated for several months, and it was a constant reminder every single day, several times a day, of what I had lost. I was trying to adjust to not having the baby in my life. I was trying my darnest to switch my mode of thinking into the fact that he wasn't mine anymore...that he had new parents. It wasn't easy--it was the hardest thing I've ever done. The horrible grief, plus the constant reminder every time my milk dropped down, was bad enough. I just don't think I would have wanted to know that another woman, even though I had chosen for my son to become her son, was breastfeeding him at the same time my milk was leaking. As I said, I'm not a martyr or superhuman.

I hope what I've said is not offensive. I didn't intend it to be if that's how it sounds. I'm just trying to be totally honest about my gut-level emotions here. Thanks for listening...

[Stormster]

i think what it comes down to is respect for our children's birth mothers. Which one of us would want to hurt another woman so deeply (if it would). Not I.

[thanksgivingmom]

Thanks for the validation Raven. I agree with what you've said completely.