[aclee]

I just want to add that my sister was BF her youngest when we got Ty. My Niece B was about 7 months old when we got home I think. My sister had Ty overnight when Dh was hospitalized, and there were formula issues...we didn't give them enough, they couldn't find the right kind. Yada, Yada. She joking around said, at one point I asked B (brother in law) if I should just give him the boob, but he said no. I looked her straight in the eye and said, "Yeah I wouldn't be cool with that" But I did later attempt to bottle feed him her Breastmilk. I wasn't comfortable with her doing something for Ty that I couldn't...

So maybe that's me saying almost the same thing you are saying TGM

I would have been totally cool with M BF him though.

[jb41503]

I'm sorry if this offends anyone but reading through these I am having a problem with emotions being stirred up. I have yet to actually adopt a child of my own but I have raised two nephews for 7 and 9 years. My sister was 17 and 19 when she gave birth to them. She walked out on the oldest at 10 months, 4 and again at 5 years old. She walked out on the youngest at the ages of 2 and again at 3. While she did live with me and the children, I would often wake up in the middle of the night to a screaming baby to find her awake but instead of trying to take care of the baby, she'd of pulled her pillow over her head and be trying to silence herself being able to hear the cries. She'd do anything BUT take care of the kids. When they had overnight hospital stays, I stayed with them getting little and very uncomfortable sleep because she just COULDN'T disrupt her schedule for one reason or another. She never attended school meetings or doctor appointments. Even now when she visits, she loves being here if the kids are happy but as soon as they aren't happy over something she has a million errands she has to go and run right now. When it was taken to court for child support she told the judge she'd quit her job and refuse to work if the judge demanded that she have to pay anything so the judge backed down. She loves to buy the kids presents but has never helped out with feeding them, clothing them, helping with buying school supplies or helping with medical expenses (both kids are autistic). She loves to brag about them and show off their pictures and attend their special functions at school and in 4-H. When they played Little League she loved to show up for the games but would have died before helping pay any of the fees for them to play. If the kids are sick, she suddenly wants absolutely nothing to do with them until it's all past and they're feeling fine and happy again. She wants to be a "there for the good times mom" but run out the door the second anything threatens to not be all smiles and giggles anymore and she makes me mad as hell at times. But what's even more frustrating is that even though she hasn't lived a day in their lives with them for many many many long years now, she still wants to give advice about how to raise them, or how their hair should be cut, whether or not they should be punished, what they should eat and a whole onslaught of other things. I realize that while the birth mother wants her kid to be raised a certain way, I think if she is going to be absolutely demanding, then maybe she ought to be the one raising the kid. If she is giving the kid to someone else to raise, then for pete's sake, she ought to realize that if someone else is going to be raising the kid, then they should be allowed to raise the kid, which includes making all major life decisions regarding that child. Once the birth mother has signed over her rights, if she would like to know how the kid is doing then fine I'm ok with that, but if I'm raising her kid then I expect to be allowed to fully raise that kid. Period.

[Suziebearhugs]

I think if your planning on having a VERY open adoption. Then it's something that you'd definately want to discuss before hand. Especially if your planning on breastfeeding at the hospital before she's signed over her rights,or even during the visits with the birth mother after.

Like others have said not many people are even aware it's possible for an adoptive mother to breastfeed. It could be quite a shock. Out of respect for the birthmother I'd want her to know upfront to make sure it's something that she would feel comfortable with.

Even then I probably would offer to feed the baby breastmilk in a bottle (during the visits) if I felt it would make for a more comfortable relationship. I'm sure it's hard enough to watch the adoptive mother be called mommy and such, let alone for the birthmother to watch the intimate, motherly act of breastfeeding. Especially if she is going through the process of trying to dry up her own milk.

If your planning a more closed or semi-open relationship where the birthmother won't be witnessing it then I wouldn't put it out there unless the birthmother brought up the topic of feeding in particular. Then it's something I would feel compelled to share with her.

[tanmansmom]

Okay, I guess I'm the only "freak" on this forum, but I am on the opposite end of the spectrum. The "ick" factor for me is BF in general. I'm one of those who doesn't like to see it in public because, honestly, it grosses me out. I would NEVER say anything so anyone because I totally understand that it is my hang-up, but it's a big hang-up. Before TJ was born, my sister brought up trying to BF and honestly, I was heartbroken. Because of my complete hang-up over it, I thought that since my baby was coming to me via adoption, I wouldn't have to feel the guilt over not BFing (that just doesn't look right does it?). Then, smack comes the guilt again. If T had insisted that I BF TJ, I'm sure I would have tried to fulfill her wishes, but it would have been very difficult for me. So, for the bmom's trying to make people understand why you just couldn't wrap your brains around someone breastfeeding your baby, I get it. I can't wrap my brain around my own issue with it, it just is what it is. I'm sure there are just as many bmoms who don't want the baby breastfed by an amom as there are amoms who don't want to breastfeed. I surely can't be the only one can I? Conversly, I'm sure there are an equal number of bmoms who would welcome an amom breastfeeding the baby.

[finallyamom0310]

I have to say that when we were in the hospital with DD and her EMom, I called my aunt to tell her the news. Well my aunt is married to a doctor and suggested that I could BF if I wanted to. I had never thought about it and since we were a last minute match didn't even want to. At that time, I still felt that DD was not really mine and it took a while for me to realize she was. I guess the last minute match part made the difference as I didn't have time to think about it and decide prior to that call.

[BlessedbySnuggs]

Tanmansman....definitely not the only one that feels this way! I totally get wanting to BF, but it was defintiely not for me. M's birth mom and I discussed it for about 2 seconds, and decided that M would be formula fed. M has thrived and is completely healthy. Honestly, the thought of having to take hormones and do all kinds of different things to my body to make myself "lactate" creeped me out! Again, don't mean to offend. Everyone is different...BF is for some people and its not for others; I also know quite a few people with bio children that chose not to BF because, it either didn't work out (hard time getting baby to latch on), or just flat out didn't want to. But I can completely see where birth moms would/should be made aware. Again, also depends on what kind of "open adoption" you plan on having. I believe that honesty is the best policy! ALWAYS!

[SupaModel]

You guys aren't freaks at all. The ick factor is why it's definitely not for me. Just seems wrong or gross in my eyes. Of course these are MY OPINIONS and not really up for debate.

I do wish I could if things were different.

[paigeturner]

I feel the same way. Shortly before (like two weeks) I got pregnant with my oldest parented daughter I had breast reduction surgery. This was in 1984 and it was a very invasive surgery – picture nipples being “removed” and then sewn back on and scars from armpit to armpit. Anyway my plastic surgeon did not recommend that I attempt to breastfeed. I was ecstatic! My oldest sister breastfed all of her kids and the youngest who was about 3 at the time would trot up to her, unbutton her blouse to get to her “ha haas”. I mean the kid could walk, talk and potty in the toilet at that time! It totally made me uncomfortable. Then, to make it worse, my sister paraded into my hospital room several nurses in the BF program to inform me that my plastic surgeon was ill-informed and that I wasn’t doing what was best for my daughter. I felt like a heel.

I recognize that this is “my” issue. I recognize that it’s irrational. Still, didn’t want to do it for my girls and especially wouldn’t have wanted my son’s mom to do it for him. Do I care less about all of my children and their well-being than a breastfeeding mother? I don’t think so. It’s not a choice that worked well for me or for my family. And it wasn’t what I would have chosen for my son.

[loveajax]

Tanman and Blessed, I am cracking up because I feel EXACTLY the same way. I "know" bfeeding is better for a child, but I have never wanted to do it. My mom and sis had a really hard time with it and I swear it made my sister "crazy" because she wasn't successful at it. My favorite SIL and one of my best friends never tried. I like that I had a "reason" (so I thought!) not to do it...but of course some annoying woman ranted on and on to me about how I should do adoptive bfeeding. just wasn't for me (though I completely DO understand why it is for others and understand all the arguments for it, etc.). I was afraid I would get flamed for saying so so I am glad I can just join the bandwagon...haha!

[melissa_bear003]

Honestly, this is one issue of motherhood I've NEVER understood. Truly.

Yes, I nursed my kids. Good for me.
Someone else chooses to use formula. Good for them.

WHY anyone is guilted about HOW they choose to nourish their child is beyond me! I get just as frustrated and angry when I hear someone insult nursing as I do when I hear ppl attempt to guilt a mother that's chosen not to nurse.

And when I mean insult nursing, I'm referring to delightful individuals like the ones I've run into...nursing my baby on a bench in the mall, you couldn't see ANYTHING of her at all, nor of me, and I had a woman come up out of nowhere and demand I feed her in the bathroom or I've had others tell me it was gross, disgusting, etc. They're lucky I'm so well behaved, or I would have squirted them in the forehead.

As long as your baby is healthy, growing well, nurtured and taken care of, its NOBODY'S buisiness HOW the child is being fed.

I've honestly never ever understood why others outside of the parents, think they should get a vote in how a child is being fed. Never got that.

[paigeturner]

They actually had to pass a law in my state that said that BF mothers could breastfeed their children anywhere as long as they were properly covered. A subsequent law added that employers had to make an area or lounge for BF mothers. What a shame that we need laws like that - meaning that it should just be a given that a mother can feed her child anywhere!

Still, I'm sure my sister and her 3 year old startled a few people over the years. She wasn't big on covering up and would just let him unbutton her and get a sip. Jeez.

Melissa, I laughed out loud at the thought of you squirting someone in the forehead. I'd pay money to see that.

[melissa_bear003]

Originally Posted by paigeturner

Melissa, I laughed out loud at the thought of you squirting someone in the forehead. I'd pay money to see that.

Then you should have been at my home around 3am one morning...

I had been up for the upteenth time with our newborn son. Dh's reaction to the baby crying was to pull the blanket up over his ears. I came back into our bedroom to find him sound asleep, snoring.

I was sleep deprived, ticked, and probably hormonal...so I shot him. Right btwn the eyes. As I watched it dribble down his face and pool into his ears, I was giggling so hard and trying NOT to laugh out loud that I sounded like a demented kettle. I had to get up and leave the room so I didn't wake him.

And yes, I told him about it later

[SupaModel]

Originally Posted by melissa_bear003

They're lucky I'm so well behaved, or I would have squirted them in the forehead.

HAHA...... LOL!!!!!!!

[devildogwife]

Originally Posted by melissa_bear003

I was sleep deprived, ticked, and probably hormonal...so I shot him. Right btwn the eyes. As I watched it dribble down his face and pool into his ears, I was giggling so hard and trying NOT to laugh out loud that I sounded like a demented kettle. I had to get up and leave the room so I didn't wake him.

And yes, I told him about it later

You are hilarious! Wow, can't say that's something I've done to DH.

[aclee]

My sisters oldest was a snacker for a couple months. She had a loud cry. At 2 AM, my sister was ok with letting her snack, she sat herself up in bed, snuggled baby in and left the supplies there and ready for her. My sister slept quite happily for about 4 hours. Woke up when my BIL woke her and said, "You turned our kid into a glazed donut."

Apparently my neice would wake, eat and then go back to sleep as she pleased, and my sister would drip and dribble all over...poor niece had slicked down hair and was covered in a film of milk. Pooled in her ears, nose, the folds of her neck, her eye lids. Everywhere.

They were both happy though...