[paigeturner]

Originally Posted by calee

Yes, I believe you should discuss it. It is a very emotionally charged topic that many e-moms have strong feelings (one way or another) about. If she chooses not to match with you based on it, so be it. That means that child was not your baby. Just like you have a right to turn down a match if you have a major issue with something, an e-mom has that same right. It is a very early, very personal, very intimate act that a brand new mother may or may not be comfortable giving over to another mother. That is neither right nor wrong-it just is. You choosing to do it is totally your right-her choosing to not choose you because of it is totally hers.

That's what I was trying to say. Nicely done.

[viannqueen]

I kind of have a bad taste in my mouth from this issue. Before we were matched with DD we had a face to face visit with another expectant mom who was considering our family. She was a minor and her mother was there with her. Her mother was extremely pro-breastfeeding to the point that it made it uncomfortable. She even insinuated having her daughter nurse the baby AFTER placement when they'd come to visit. There were other determining factors on top of this but needless to say we didn't accept that match. She ended up placing with another family in our agency.

If I was an emom though and considering my choices I'd want to know upfront if they were planning on breastfeeding or not.

I heard a statistic somewhere that said that only 50% of adoptive mothers that attempt to breastfeed are reasonably successful at it. Does anyone know if that's true or not?

[melissa_bear003]

Interesting.

And yes, I'm being serious. Since infant adoption has never been a consideration for me (we're thinking 3-5 yrs, but flexible...more about the 'right fit' than age) breastfeeding an adopted infant just wasn't something on my radar. It never ocurred to me that there would be such strong feelings about it, in a negative way, since breast is best for an infant, vs formula. I guess from the non-experienced point of view, I looked at it as just baby getting the best start possible. If its not too intrusive, can I ask why the objection? Is it an emotional issue, or is it that breast milk that's induced isn't actually providing the same nutritional quality as that breast milk that naturally occurs? Like I said, its not something that I've ever looked into, so would welcome the education.

One of the reasons I love coming here, is the opportunity to learn.

[nurse_reedle]

Originally Posted by melissa_bear003

Interesting.

And yes, I'm being serious. Since infant adoption has never been a consideration for me (we're thinking 3-5 yrs, but flexible...more about the 'right fit' than age) breastfeeding an adopted infant just wasn't something on my radar. It never ocurred to me that there would be such strong feelings about it, in a negative way, since breast is best for an infant, vs formula. I guess from the non-experienced point of view, I looked at it as just baby getting the best start possible. If its not too intrusive, can I ask why the objection? Is it an emotional issue, or is it that breast milk that's induced isn't actually providing the same nutritional quality as that breast milk that naturally occurs? Like I said, its not something that I've ever looked into, so would welcome the education.

One of the reasons I love coming here, is the opportunity to learn.

Well, I am a successful ABF mother and nutritionally it is the same. I just don't make colostrum...but neither does formula. ;-)

[binkybear]

Originally Posted by paigeturner

and yes, perhaps an expectant mother should proactively ask, however, having been there I can tell you that there is a lot on an expectant mothers mind when she is working through the idea of placing a child.

Is it ok for me to say that as a PAP there's quite a lot on "my" mind as well? Hoping that there's not an impression out in the world that "I'm" just carefree, worry and trouble free while nilly willy taking on the role of parenting another woman's child. I hope not.

I've gotten that idea out here more than once and it's a little "ick" to me too. I think it feeds into the overwhelming guilt many paps feel. I'd like to see the "perhaps" extended equally to us all in the vien of goodwill and assuming the best of each other? Perhaps the OP had good intentions (seems she did/does as noted in her later posts) and perhaps we're all more alike than not when entering into adoption.

To the OP: I'd go with your gut, it's our best indicator and yours originally told you to disclose up front. As far as profiles go...who knows..there's no real indicator of how to do it or who you'll please! If you go back in similar threads some will say that things like this in a profile are too much saying they don't and didn't want to see such deep subjects in a profile and others wanted full disclosure. I'd go with my gut.

[belleinblue1978]

It's purely emotional for me. It isn't something that I was willing to share. I felt my son's mom got everything else, the birth and breastfeeding, those were mine.

[melissa_bear003]

Ok, thanks.

Like I said, infant adoption is something we're not interested in (dh says, "Princess is almost out of diapers! Its been almost 4 yrs of continous diapers! No more diapers!) for several reasons, so breastfeeding for me was with my biokidlets. I'm not a 'Breastfeeding Beast' (you know, the folks that just about hold you down and beat you with a can of formula if you disagree with nursing) but its just the norm for me, and I'm aware of the health benefits. Never thought about how an emom might consider it a negative.

Knowing that now, I'd definately discuss it. As much as there may be emoms that disagree with it, there may well be other emoms that find it a huge plus for the health benefits.

[paigeturner]

Originally Posted by binkybear

Is it ok for me to say that as a PAP there's quite a lot on "my" mind as well? Hoping that there's not an impression out in the world that "I'm" just carefree, worry and trouble free while nilly willy taking on the role of parenting another woman's child. I hope not.

I've gotten that idea out here more than once and it's a little "ick" to me too. I think it feeds into the overwhelming guilt many paps feel. I'd like to see the "perhaps" extended equally to us all in the vien of goodwill and assuming the best of each other? Perhaps the OP had good intentions (seems she did/does as noted in her later posts) and perhaps we're all more alike than not when entering into adoption.

To the OP: I'd go with your gut, it's our best indicator and yours originally told you to disclose up front. As far as profiles go...who knows..there's no real indicator of how to do it or who you'll please! If you go back in similar threads some will say that things like this in a profile are too much saying they don't and didn't want to see such deep subjects in a profile and others wanted full disclosure. I'd go with my gut.

Binky, you can go thru my 1,700 plus posts and you will find that I have never implied that adoptive parents are “carefree, willy nilly” or anything else. I refuse to get into a “my pain is worse than your pain” debate. I haven’t been in your shoes nor have you been in mine. The OP asked a question of birth mothers. I answered from my point of view and my experience. So, ya…feeling a lot of “ick” myself right at the moment.

BTW, there are only two of us that have responded in the negative and one in the positive. I'm sure there are many more that would find adoptive parent breastfeeding a good thing. I'm just not one of them.

[abensonslaton]

I talked to my son's first mom related to her breastfeeding just because she had Hep C and didn't want to take a chance it might be passed on this way. It was not a problem as she was not interested.

[binkybear]

Originally Posted by paigeturner

Binky, you can go thru my 1,700 plus posts and you will find that I have never implied that adoptive parents are “carefree, willy nilly” or anything else. I refuse to get into a “my pain is worse than your pain” debate. I haven’t been in your shoes nor have you been in mine. The OP asked a question of birth mothers. I answered from my point of view and my experience. So, ya…feeling a lot of “ick” myself right at the moment.

BTW, there are only two of us that have responded in the negative and one in the positive. I'm sure there are many more that would find adoptive parent breastfeeding a good thing. I'm just not one of them.

I'm sorry, but I got the "pain debate" thing from your post and that's why I asked....if I read into what you wrote incorrectly I'm sorry, but I felt it and hence my question. I'm not debating anything either but I DO appreciate that none of us have been in the other shoes and hence my wanting to clarify how that comment made me feel. good grief

[paigeturner]

Nope. Not feeling any pain tonight...except that I cut my finger making dinner - does that count? I gave a little background because those that "know" me know that I come from the closed era. I guess I just don't get the defensiveness when all I was doing was answering a question from my point of view. I'll say it again, there are lot's of other women who have an opposing view and they would be a good match.

[binkybear]

Originally Posted by paigeturner

Nope. Not feeling any pain tonight...except that I cut my finger making dinner - does that count? I gave a little background because those that "know" me know that I come from the closed era. I guess I just don't get the defensiveness when all I was doing was answering a question from my point of view. I'll say it again, there are lot's of other women who have an opposing view and they would be a good match.

There's no "defensiveness" at all. Zero. I read that sentence and took away that emoms could perhaps take on the responsibilyt to ask the question but since they have a lot on their minds it might not happen. Hence my question regarding Pap's. That's all, no big whoop just saw it and spoke to it. Hope your finger feels better.

[startedover]

I will probably get flamed or burned or whatever but my opinion is....
1. Things that are important to the birthmother, I am assuming she will ask. If it is important that there be siblings for the child she is placing, she is going to specify that. And if it is important that the AM NOT breastfeed I would assume she would state that.

2. I would never"keep" any thing a secret and I don't feel that is what you are doing. I feel like you are going beyond your part to try and decided what to do. As adoptive moms sometimes it is hard to determine what should be discussed with the birthmom.

3. Where do you draw the line. I believe a birth mom and pap give a good outline of what they expect. Yes sometimes there are gray areas, but isn't there in all of life. But if you are going to ask about breastfeed (when she never showed an interest in that) would you really need to ask, or just tell her that is what you are planning, or do nothing at all.

4. what type of openess are going to have. If you have determined to co-parent then yes it is your obligation, but if not she is in control of that child till she TPR's and you should keep to anything you agree on during and AFTER that period, but if you have not discussed a matter prior to that, you are the parent. It is your choice. I would feel like if she didn't have an interest in that subject that by me asking or discussing it with her, I am opening up myself to discuss all my parenting decisions. .... like what ped are you going to use? Will the baby be attending public or private school, ext.

I am in no way trying to make anyone mad, but I think the OP was looking for advice and this was my thoughts.

[paigeturner]

Binky, in the spirit of full disclosure, I’m an insomniac and this really can go all night.

To get back to the original post, something like breastfeeding is a big deal and should be disclosed by the adoptive parents. Many people don’t even know that induced breastfeeding is possible. It is not outside the realm of possibility that an expectant mother wouldn’t know to ask! I feel the same about expectant parents honestly disclosing known genetic issues and I feel the same about both sets of parents disclosing drug and alcohol usage. A lie of omission is still a lie in my opinion.

[belleinblue1978]

Originally Posted by paigeturner

Binky, in the spirit of full disclosure, I’m an insomniac and this really can go all night.

To get back to the original post, something like breastfeeding is a big deal and should be disclosed by the adoptive parents. Many people don’t even know that induced breastfeeding is possible. It is not outside the realm of possibility that an expectant mother wouldn’t know to ask! I feel the same about expectant parents honestly disclosing known genetic issues and I feel the same about both sets of parents disclosing drug and alcohol usage. A lie of omission is still a lie in my opinion.

That's a really good point paige. I wouldn't have known that lactation could be induced if it weren't for my prior involvement in adoption issues.