[Rubi]

We have adopted our son at birth through a semi-open adoption. The social worker just phoned and said that our child's biological grandfather wants to include our child in his will....She said that she had never had this done before and therefore don't know what to advice us. We do not want to give any pesonal info and we are afraid that if we give him or chil's id no they might trace us through home affairs.....We want to do this for our child, but don't know if this is the'right ' thing to do....The social worker said that we need to get legal advice and draw up a contract, ect....What's your thoughts and ideas regarding this matter...What do we need to keep in mind? Any advice is welcome...Thanx

[Stormster]

That is a very interesting question! I personally would assign a neutral party (preferably an attorney) to act as trustee for your son's affairs, someone who would not divulge personal info at any time if that is important to you. Good luck!

[Rubi]

I must say....there are so many emotions streaming through my head at this moment.....I'm also thinking: What will the impact be on my child ,when he is older, if we do agree or don't agree to alow his birth grandfather to include him......Why would his b gf want to do this? When you adopt a baby you think that he is exclusively yours, but stuff like this do remind you that your child has another side that needs to be nurtured and excepted and respect as well.....

[belleinblue1978]

Originally Posted by Rubi

I must say....there are so many emotions streaming through my head at this moment.....I'm also thinking: What will the impact be on my child ,when he is older, if we do agree or don't agree to alow his birth grandfather to include him......Why would his b gf want to do this? When you adopt a baby you think that he is exclusively yours, but stuff like this do remind you that your child has another side that needs to be nurtured and excepted and respect as well.....

I am a firstmom and my parents included my son in their will. At this time he their only grandchild. We didn't even ask his adoptive parents, their will just states that if I have passed on before they do that any children whether parented or placed are to receive my share of the inheritance.

My parents are my adoptive parents, just so you know, and my dad hasn't been super on board with OA, but he felt this was important.

[ourdreamcametru]

We would be honored if Castle's birthfamily wanted to include her in their will. We have an open adoption but even if we did't I don't see the harm but if you are unsure I would have an attorney as the go between.
To me I would think that down the road if your child found out you denied this it would cause problems. Even if it's not an open adoption with visits I believe the child benefits from knowing their birthfamily loves them, you just can't go wrong with that.

[JustPeachy]

......Why would his b gf want to do this?

Because he loves him and wants him to be included in his will. It would be no different if anyone else decided to leave your son in their will, but in this case, since you have semi-open and do not want identifying information exchanged, I would see if it can be done through an attorney.

[Rubi]

Originally Posted by JustPeachy

Because he loves him and wants him to be included in his will. It would be no different if anyone else decided to leave your son in their will, but in this case, since you have semi-open and do not want identifying information exchanged, I would see if it can be done through an attorney.

Yes...this was my thought as well....I was even wondering if this is his only grand child? I would ask the social worker.....I don't know if this is 'wrong', but I feel sad to think that he loves him so much and would maybe never even meet him before he dies....Am I becoming to emotional regarding this matter...I even feel a bit of guilt (please don't judge me on this, I really can't explain why...) The social worker did tell me that his b gf supports the adoption...this gives me some comfort. I feld so sad when I heard that my first sons b gf cried so much when he came to hear of my sons adoption(the bio parents didn't tell their family before after a year has gone by)....This b gf died soon afterwards from a stroke....

[Saya]

My first thought upon reading this was - what a wonderful thing! How wonderful that your son's birth grandfather wants to ensure that he is included, and that your son will know that his first family still thinks of him as one of their own. I understand though that you might not feel comfortable giving them lots of ID'ing info. Given what Belle said above, would you even have to give them info OR hire a lawyer? Would it be enough for the birth grandfather to just write in the will that any children placed or parented of his kids would be in the line of inheritance?

Editing because I just read your new post - if you have an interest in your son meeting his birth grandfather, why not make it happen? Why not use this as an opportunity to meet him and see if the 2 of them can have a relationship going forward? Just because the adoption began as semi-open doesn't mean you can't open it more now. It sounds like more openess might be a wonderful thing for everyone going forward.

[Shadowfaerie]

Originally Posted by Rubi

Why would his b gf want to do this? When you adopt a baby you think that he is exclusively yours, but stuff like this do remind you that your child has another side that needs to be nurtured and excepted and respect as well.....

Because he sees the child as his grandchild, which he is. I agree with other pp, I would be honored if our son's bio grandfather wanted to put him in his will.

[Rubi]

Editing because I just read your new post - if you have an interest in your son meeting his birth grandfather, why not make it happen? Why not use this as an opportunity to meet him and see if the 2 of them can have a relationship going forward? Just because the adoption began as semi-open doesn't mean you can't open it more now. It sounds like more openess might be a wonderful thing for everyone going forward.[/quote]

I hear what you are saying...I just don't think me and DH is ready to open up the adoption yet (just on emosional level...)Ok, but say one day if we would develope a relationship between my son and his b gf.....How do I explain to my oldest son that they are brothers, family ect, but that this is not his(my oldest son) grand father?

(Sorry...I think I'm hijacking my own post! )

[karla-k]

When DH and I did our wills a couple of years ago, all we had to put for the choice of guardians was a first and last name. No numbers, addresses, etc.

We also have a very generic statement about all of our possessions shall pass to any children we have. No names, etc.

I don't know why you would need to give them anything more than his name.

How do I explain to my oldest son that they are brothers, family ect, but that this is not his(my oldest son) grand father?: I have a half brother who is not related to my bio father's family. He has grown up knowing that M & P are my grandparents but not his. It was not a big deal. He had grandparents that were not mine, again no big deal. That is just how our family was. Your older son should know that his brother was adopted and has a past that is not the same as his, and this includes relatives and family.

[Saya]

Originally Posted by Rubi

I hear what you are saying...I just don't think me and DH is ready to open up the adoption yet (just on emosional level...)Ok, but say one day if we would develope a relationship between my son and his b gf.....How do I explain to my oldest son that they are brothers, family ect, but that this is not his(my oldest son) grand father?

(Sorry...I think I'm hijacking my own post! )

I guess I'd just say, families can be complicated and families through adoption can be REALLY complicated. In my opinion, that's part of what we take on when we decide to become parents through adoption. We become parents to children who have histories beyond us. The fact is, your younger son HAS a grandfather out there who wants to meet him. That's a part of his life, and thus a part of his older brother's life as well. As long as we normalize it with our kids, it doesn't have to be a problem. I mean the older one knows the younger is adopted, right?

My cousin has two kids, both through adoption (not biologically related to each other). The older has a relationship with her birth grandmother. It doesn't in anyway change that they think of each other as brother and sister, and that they are a family.

[Stormster]

All your kids will know their sib is adopted, right? So it's not a matter of them not understanding there is bio family out there, it's just a matter of explaining he has an extra grandfather.

Many of us have step parents, half sibs, etc etc.

I think it's as normal as you make it.

I struggle with telling about bio sibs (his only sibs probably ever) who want nothing to do with us right now. You are lucky your son will grow up with his sibs! (I wish I had that problem to be honest!)

[Rubi]

Yes, my older son went through the adoption, birth everything together....I was just thinking that he is still a bit young (5) to make sense of all this....He is just starting to understand the whole family thing...He still wants to mary me! He doesn't understand who is his nephew, who is their sisters, ect....this is only starting to fall into place now....

I think what also surprised me was the fact that our social worker, who is very experienced (20 years...), who done MANY local and international adoptions has NEVER had this situation in her career!? She doesn't even know what to advise us....

But, yes, the more I think about this, the more greatfull I become.

[RavenSong]

I'm not sure if this will help or not, but I thought I'd share my own experience with this subject. I relinquished my son back in the "closed era" of adoptions. However, when he was 13 years old, his parents went to the adoption agency and asked if they could locate me and bdad. DS was having a lot of problems, and they wanted an updated medical/social history. Fortunately, both his bdad and I had gone to the agency a couple years before, when he was 11 y/o. At that time, we received non-identifying info on DS, and we both signed waivers of confidentiality, just in case his parents ever needed contact.

When I found out the extent of his problems, I offered to pay a monthly amount toward his treatment and care. The post-adoptions social worker declined the offer, stating that they had been able to find a loophole in California state laws, and they had awarded his parents a subsidy on a retroactive basis. She said that if I sent any money directly for him, that amount would be subtracted from their subsidy. The SW, though, suggested I create a trust fund.

I followed her advice, and all arrangements were made through an attorney and the agency. I was not informed of their last name or address or any indentifying info.

My parents also decided at that time to include DS in their wills. And the attorney and agency were able to do that also.

Of course, that all changed when DS turned 18 and wanted to reunite with his birth family. My parents were able at that time to list him by his legal name on their Last Will and Testament. I was able to do the same on mine.

Just a head's up... my parents both always considered DS to be their first-born grandchild, even though I relinquished him at birth. That kind of surprised me, since they weren't very supportive emotionally when I was pregnant with him. But emotional ties are complicated, and people often don't foresee what they're going to feel about anything in the future.

Good luck. I'm sure there is a legal way to accomplish this. I think it's awesome that your son's bgrandfather wants to include him in his will.