[elledarcy]

Lately I’m been annoyed about people who ask about my DD’s birthfamily and use the words “mom” and “dad” to mean my DD’s birthparents. I don’t mind so much from strangers as they maybe don’t know what the proper terms are, but from my own family who knows how I feel about it, this is annoying.

My mother and father and several of my DH’s siblings ask about DD’s “mom” and “dad,” even after I’ve corrected them with a gentle, “we say birthmom and birthdad or use their first names.” My parents think I am overreacting, but I am really touchy about it. Next time someone asks me how tall DD’s “mom” is or what color her “dad’s” hair is, I am so tempted to say, “well, I’m 5’ 5’’, but I don’t know that that will have much affect on DD.”

I do not wish to take away from the contribution that DD’s birthparents have made to her life, but I also don’t think that someone who has never even met my DD (though the oppertunity has been offered) merits the title of “dad.” DH and I are the ones in the trenches doing all the mom and dad stuff, so I guess I feel like I don’t want to share the “mom” and “dad” title with two people who, while special in DD’s life, don’t fill that role.

Does anyone else feel this way? Am I being silly? How can I convince my family to use the terms we plan on using?

[devildogwife]

You are not the only one! I got that all the time in the hospital and it drove me nuts. I was the one there with him day in and day out-I AM MOM! I corrected people and they usually used the correct language afterwards. I also put in his care plan (his chart) the correct adoption language that I wanted used. It helped the majority of the time, but the other one's really ticked me off.

My MIL has asked me about Cameron's mom before. I knew she meant his birth mom, but I didn't want to deal with that forever. When she asked how his mom was, I said I was fine. She then corrected herself and said birth mom. If that's the only way they're going to learn, so be it. If you want to say that you're 5.5, do it! I really think that's okay.

Being Cameron's mom is precious to me, and while he does have a birth mom, I am mom. That word is precious to me.

[crick]

I think it's a big thing that a lot of aparents go through, especially in the beginning. Right now you are a new mom and still "claiming" that motherhood and all the feelings that go with it. It can bristle when others don't get it even if they aren't meaning to hurt.

What I would suggest is putting the names back on them when it's used.
For example..
"How is dd's mom?" "I'm great, thanks for asking!" "You know I meant her bmom!" "Yes, but I call her first name and would appreciate you using the same name. Later when dd is older you won't want to confuse her by asking her how her mom and dad are because she's going to think it's me and dh, and rightly so". "She'll know xx by this name and I would appreciate it if you would support that".

Sharing a title comes later, imo. Right now it's yours and that doesn't negate the importance of dd's bmom at all. Rather, it cements yours.

This is just my opinion, but I think over time, the title doesn't bristle as much and it doesn't seem to be as big of a deal as it was in the beginning. At least that is how it was for me.

[kittymom]

I don't know that it would bother me. I find myself saying "mom" and "dad" about our future child's parents ... though I admit it may be different once we actually have a child and are taking on the everyday parenting. The only thing I wonder about is what your DD thinks of this (or will think of it when she's older). Will she be confused? Or will it be obvious from context which "mom" and "dad" people mean? You could think of it like the "birth" part of the word is silent when those people say that.

Still, no matter what, if it hurts you or makes you mad, you're entitled to those feelings. If it matters a lot to you, correct them every time!

[bethy724]

You aren't alone!!! My parents are ok w/ using first names for my sons birthparents (although we don't talk about them or have a need to-my son is my son & they are his grandparents-not to disrespect his birth family but he is as much in our family as anybody else-there is never really a reason to talk about them)

My grandmother, on the other hand is just too old or ignorant about adoption-she continues to warn me about the chance that he could be kidnapped by "his mom" if she knew how smart & handsome he is (he adopted thru foster care & she has no interest in keeping in contact - I offered letters & pictures- I can imagine it is just too painful for her)

I would lay down the law w/ your parents - your child needs to only know that YOU ARE his/her mom & he/she has a birthmom. I would keep talking about them to a minimum - what do they need to know or discuss about them? I get the strangers thing - in the grocery - I got a lot of questions when my son was a baby, but not so much now - we are just mom & son. good luck - you ARE your ONLY child's mom, caretaker, protector, ect. you can respect your childs beginings w/ out disrespecting yourself. It's disrespectful to continually say a child has another mom/dad. YOU ARE IT!

[BlessedbySnuggs]

You are definitely not alone!

Thank goodness that almost all of our family and friends know the proper "terms" when it comes to adoption language. I also don't have a problem educating people when they ask.

But the one time (I will never, ever forget) that something like that happened, was when we were finalizing DD's adoption and we were leaving the courthouse, and we were all feeling so good, and my MIL asked me "Are you going to call DD's real mom and tell her" OMG, I was so upset. The sad thing is, is that she felt HORRIBLE for saying it. She is from another country and sometimes gets her wording mixed up, and she did apologize, but nevertheless, I had hurt feelings over it. DH was upset as well. After that day, and that was almost exactly a year ago, we haven't had any other issues. At least any that I know about!

Same thing; don't want to take anything away from DD's birthparents, but DH and I are her parents. We are Mom and Dad....period!

[slugbug0930]

This has happened to us a lot. I did the best I could with trying to correct them with out being rude. I know that none of the people really meant any offense.....adoption isn't something a lot of people know that much about....let alone know what terms might or might not be offensive to adoptive parents or birthparents.

[loveajax]

I don't think you are overreacting. I remember being FURIOUS with my mom when she kept asking about DD's "real mom." (She doesn't do that anymore).

It's weird...as time goes by, it doesn't bother me as much. My niece just asked the other day how tall DD's "mother and father" were. I knew what she meant and I also know that everyone obviously "knows" we are mama and daddy. I think like Crick said early on it's more of a "claiming" thing (which I think is totally healthy). As time goes on (and the adoption part of becoming a family becomes a little less "prominent"), it may not bother you as much. But you definitely should correct people, etc., if it bothers you.

Good luck!

[Leigh131313]

I have found that answering the question (saying you're however tall) is the best way to make it stick. One of my "since ds was born" friends made a couple adoptionlanguage errors when we first met. The first time we were talking about adoption, she asked "Is M your's?". I said yes he's mine - but are you asking if he was adopted?

Well, since then (we are quite good friends now) she has told me that I made her feel really awkward - to which I replied - and you've never made that mistake again!! Mission accomplished.

Now, what would that have said to DS if I would have said "No, he's not mine".

Language MATTERS. You don't have to rude or mean about it, but I do feel an error needs to be corrected.

[aclee]

My family ranges...there are some who have referred a couple time to his Mom and Dad...honestly I get really confused. DH family esp refers to themselves in the 3rd person a lot, so when his Mom would say, and "How was Mum with that? Meaning something that happened between Bmom and I...I would say. I was ok with it...or I was upset because... Honestly, it wasn't to be cutsey or rude, I just thought she meant me...but that's just his family. They are weird. They know the terms now.

My family will skirt the word, and almost refuse to even refer to her as bmom. I said if they weren't comfortable with it, they needed to use her name, because her and she wasn't cutting it.

If people referred to bmom as "mom", and I could clearly tell they meant bmom, I would answer with the term bmom. I usually gave them a couple chances, and then I would as nicely as I could, say it flat out since they didn't get the subtle hints...

[EZ2Luv]

I don't blame you one bit. If I were in your shoes I would be upset and hurt. Though I doubt people are deliberatly using the title to hurt you, you have every right to correct them. As for your own mother, well people have no idea how this would feel unless they have been in your position. She needs to get used to this too so just continue to gently remind her of the proper terminology.

((HUGS))

EZ

[Singlemom619]

I'm with you - MOM and DAD are the people that raise the child, wipe it's snotty nose, deal with rotten behavior, and tuck them in at night....

Mother and Father gave the sperm and egg.

They aren't always the same person.

I do correct people if they say anything BUT luckily I haven't heard people say the wrong things too much.

[sbaglio]

I agree with crick about using the bparents first names. It saves us a lot of grief. We never met DD's bfather, so when my parents ask about "The Father" (happens once in a blue moom), we know what they mean and are not offended. When people ask about "The Mother" (our families use her first name), we aren't offended at all because DD only has one mother, whom we love and have a relationship with. They have also met her, so that makes a difference.

[pbusickia]

I think this bothers all of us at some point. My FIL asked once what my DD "real mom" was like. I said in a scolding tone " Well I'm her real mom but it you mean T, she is very sweet loving women." He turned bright red and apologized and has refered to DD birthmom by name ever since. Sometimes a little guilt trip goes a long ways... LOL

[mumofone]

It all comes down to what you are comfortable with. If it bothers you, you should speak up.

It doesn't bother DH and I. When we refer to our children's bio parents, they are always referred to as "mom" or "dad". When our oldest writes his other mom, he addresses it "Dear Mom".

Again, we are comfortable with it.