[trixila]

To me, this is just one of the things I have to deal with. Are you overreacting? Maybe not for you. Now that I have been an adoptive parent for almost 10 years, comments like that don't grate as much. I don't like them, but have learned to gently correct people. I don't think comments about the 'real mom and dad' ever go away, it's just such an simple connection for those outside of the immediate adoption community to make. I have read that a sense of entitlement comes into play when this type of situation pops up. In my heart, I know that I am the real mom,; no matter how many boneheaded comments I get about my kids and theirbirthparents.

[fisbaby]

This really bothers me too! At first I let it go b/c I could admit there were times I almost caught myself referring to the birthmother as "mom" and I also didn't want to hurt feelings. However, as time went on it just hurt each time it happened so my DH and I decided to gently correct it. For instance, when my sister (who my family rarely ever didn't say birthmother/father) said "wouldn't you like to know how dad looked or something" (b/c our little guy is so stout), I just said something like "yes I bet his birthfather is a big guy" or something like that. In addition when my mil said (for about the fiftieth time) whether his mom had contacted us I tried to reply " no we haven't heard anymore from his birthmother". See what I mean? No need to be rude just a gentle correction will hopefully work. That being said, I've tried gentle with the FIL and if he doesn't catch on soon it's going to turn into a convo b/c I'm the momma around here!!

[tomandcate]

We hear our sons' first moms called "mom" too at times from our family, although we probably hear the name or "birthmom" more often. I guess it used to bother me more than it does now, although there's always a little twinge when I hear it. Sometimes I answer as if they're talking about me...sometimes I just answer the question because I know who they're asking about...depends on how I feel. The bottom line is I know how much our families absolutely adore these two boys, so I know their hearts are always in the right place...and I really doubt they will use those terms when the boys are old enough to understand, because it would be confusing...if nothing more than from a semantics perspective.

Although I do try to educate people as I go (especially if they will be around my boys long-term) I've decided not to let any "poor adoption language" bother me unless I believe it is coming from bad intent.

You have to go with your heart. It's okay not to be okay with terms you don't want used around your kids!

Cate

(ETA: To me there is a difference between calling first mom "mom" and calling her "the real mom" - I will always have ruffled feathers on that one just because it so does not make sense to me.)

[Momto1human-2furry]

It bothered me when our baby came home. Its been 2 years plus and it would bother me if my family continued doing so without taking my feelings in consideration. Nobody does this to me any more after i corrected them in the begining.

Ask your family if they have accepted your child truly as they grandchild/nephew or whatever relation they have with your child? Why would they minimise the role you play as a parent ?

[jp4ga]

This type of thing really burns me, because I am her MOM. I got a call from the adoption agency telling me the M's mom would like some updated pictures. A lady at church has asked me a few times how are M's parents doing. I try to not let it get to me, I know people are concerned about M's bmom because of all of her legal and personal problems, but I am her Mom and my husband is her Dad.

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by elledarcy

Lately I’m been annoyed about people who ask about my DD’s birthfamily and use the words “mom” and “dad” to mean my DD’s birthparents. I don’t mind so much from strangers as they maybe don’t know what the proper terms are, but from my own family who knows how I feel about it, this is annoying.

My mother and father and several of my DH’s siblings ask about DD’s “mom” and “dad,” even after I’ve corrected them with a gentle, “we say birthmom and birthdad or use their first names.” My parents think I am overreacting, but I am really touchy about it. Next time someone asks me how tall DD’s “mom” is or what color her “dad’s” hair is, I am so tempted to say, “well, I’m 5’ 5’’, but I don’t know that that will have much affect on DD.”

I do not wish to take away from the contribution that DD’s birthparents have made to her life, but I also don’t think that someone who has never even met my DD (though the oppertunity has been offered) merits the title of “dad.” DH and I are the ones in the trenches doing all the mom and dad stuff, so I guess I feel like I don’t want to share the “mom” and “dad” title with two people who, while special in DD’s life, don’t fill that role.

Does anyone else feel this way? Am I being silly? How can I convince my family to use the terms we plan on using?

For me personally, I don't get worked up about it. I think there are bigger issues but that's just me. I know who I am in my children's lives and for the most part, I don't hold other people accountable to get it right every time especially if these kind of conversations are new. And I personally don't understand how someone simply calling my kids' other mothers "mom" is something that minimizes who I am as their mother. But that is just me.

That said, just like anything else, if this is something that really bothers you, then continue to gently offer your alternative. I don't think getting smart about it would help, although I admit that IF this bothered me that would probably be my first inclination as well.

[r0ller]

It's funny because my wife, who is adopted, doesn't want me to use any terms but "Mom" and "Dad" for her birth parents.

As far as she's concerned, she doesn't have birthparents and adoptive parents. She has two sets of parents, and that's that.

If someone says "How's your mom?", she says "Which one?"

It's obviously a personal preference, so I'd would advise you to just do your best to not let it bother you unless it's done on purpose with the intent to upset you.

[nee18]

This is something I struggle with, too. Yesterday, my MIL referred to my DS's bmom as his "mother." I have to admit it hurt! But then, practically in the same breath, she's referring to me as his mom. I was going to correct her (AGAIN-this has been an ongoing learning process for some of our family), but just left it alone, which is unlike me . I think I realized that, while she does need to start using the language that DH and I want our family to use when describing our DS's adoption, these "slip-ups" aren't always bad-intentioned. However, I do think it's important that our family get good at using positive adoption language soon, before our DS understands what they're saying, so that, when he does, it will be easier on him. Also, our son's bmom only wants to be called her first name, which is something we need to remind our family of. Sometimes it's not even enough just to use terms that are commonly accepted in the adoption world, but better to use terms/titles that all people in the triad are comfortable with. Like I said, though, I've struggled with this. And, I'm even guilty of having slip-ups myself! I just think it's so normal for many of us (me included) to want to fully possess the title of "mom" or "dad" because that's what we are-why do we have to share that title with anyone? But, I guess I have to remind myself that being a mom isn't about the title (although I can't wait until he says it to me ), it's so much more I can't put it into words (and know I don't have to because I'm sure you all feel it too).

[elledarcy]

Thanks everyone for your comments. I hope it does get better over time as many of you are saying. I agree that I am in a “claiming” kind of phase right now so that probably has a lot to do with it.

I did have a conversation with my mom and sister a few nights ago and it didn’t go well. I essentially told them that it bothered me when people referred to bmom as “mom” or “real mom,” and my sister said, “well, you’re not her real mom.”

We then got into a whole argument because I thought this was really rude and purposely hurtful. I attempted to explain to her that I am DD’s real mom – I am in reality caring for and mothering her! I am really filling the role of her mom! In her view, I am being too sensitive. She also accused me of trying to pretend like I gave birth to DD (which is ridiculous and also impossible as we’ve been extremely open about adoption). My mom refused to get involved (a nice “stop being stupid, of course Elle is her real mom,” would have sufficed). So I wondered if they even considered DD to be their “real” granddaughter and niece. Apparently they do not! Some people DD has never met, whose bits and pieces of DNA she shares are her real grandmother and aunt!

My mom and I discussed the next day and she pretty much made it clear that she loves DD and doesn’t look at her any differently because she is adopted. I requested that they only use the terms we plan on using as a family. We will see if she will do it. I only worry about it because they are showing such a blatent disregard for our feelings and also because DD should not have to be subjected to her family insientating that she is not a “real” part of the family in some way.

[aclee]

Originally Posted by elledarcy

My sister said, “well, you’re not her real mom.”

Sister or not, I would have popped her one in the face. I'm not prone to hitting, but that was a clear shot at you, especially when you went to her because you were discussing feelings. That's so far out of line. I think I would have told her a "real" sister wouldn't have said something so hurtful.

[loveajax]

Elle, that is SOOOOOO mean. Ugh!!

I wonder if your sis is like mine....Mine is sort of "jealous" that DD (who is the baby of the family) is sort of the apple of my parents' eye... Whatever was causing it, it was simply rude and uncalled for. The "bad intent" was there that I don't see mostly when other people say (dumb) things.

[SamIAm2]

Originally Posted by elledarcy

Thanks everyone for your comments. I hope it does get better over time as many of you are saying. I agree that I am in a “claiming” kind of phase right now so that probably has a lot to do with it.

I did have a conversation with my mom and sister a few nights ago and it didn’t go well. I essentially told them that it bothered me when people referred to bmom as “mom” or “real mom,” and my sister said, “well, you’re not her real mom.”

We then got into a whole argument because I thought this was really rude and purposely hurtful. I attempted to explain to her that I am DD’s real mom – I am in reality caring for and mothering her! I am really filling the role of her mom! In her view, I am being too sensitive. She also accused me of trying to pretend like I gave birth to DD (which is ridiculous and also impossible as we’ve been extremely open about adoption). My mom refused to get involved (a nice “stop being stupid, of course Elle is her real mom,” would have sufficed). So I wondered if they even considered DD to be their “real” granddaughter and niece. Apparently they do not! Some people DD has never met, whose bits and pieces of DNA she shares are her real grandmother and aunt!

My mom and I discussed the next day and she pretty much made it clear that she loves DD and doesn’t look at her any differently because she is adopted. I requested that they only use the terms we plan on using as a family. We will see if she will do it. I only worry about it because they are showing such a blatent disregard for our feelings and also because DD should not have to be subjected to her family insientating that she is not a “real” part of the family in some way.

Elle...I'm sorry that your sister was so rude and insensitive towards you. I'm sure that must have hurt you even further...uggg! I think she's pretty lucky that none of us on this thread were in on your conversations!!!

[melissa_bear003]

I had a kid over a while ago that found out that my dh isn't Diva's birth father...so, in this superior snarky tone (this kid is something else, believe me) she said, "Oh, so he's not your REAL Dad!" to Diva. Diva's eyes filled with tears. I quickly said, "Does he look imaginary to you?" and Diva laughed and agreed.

As far as I'm concerned, the term 'real' when describing a parent can take a flyin leap. My dh wasn't there at conception for Diva, but he's her Daddy, period. He is there when she's sick, when she's upset, when she's being just plain rotten the way kids can be. He's there to celebrate, comfort, and discipline.

It doesn't get any more 'real' than that, regardless of DNA.

[devildogwife]

Wow, your sister is something else. How nasty and cold of her. I'm glad I wasn't on the receiving end of that. My child would have one less aunt. -

[crick]

I think often people associate "Real" with "Biological" and unfortunately do not realize how hurtful that can be. Of course we aren't the biological parents and I can't really figure out why people feel the need to use it against us. It's just a fact, not something that people should see as a way to attack.