[Nalansor]

Hello!
My adopted son's bio dad wants zero to do with him. In fact, we even hired a PI to track him down, and he either can't be found or won't be found. He knew the birthmom was pregnant. He also has a horrible background including violence and drugs. When will my son start asking about bio dad? What should we tell him? (We have an open adoption with bio mom).
Thanks,
Nalansor

[Singlemom619]

You answer his questions honestly and age appropriate-ly... Factually - non emotionally.

If he asks who he is - give his name.

If he asks why he's not around say he is in jail or didn't have his priorities straight. Whatever the answer is.

My son is 10 and only wanted to talk about Bfather a year ago when we had a foster son that was 10 and only had a dad and constantly talked about his dad... I answered his questions and that's all he wanted to know. He knows he can ask me for whatever information he wants (and he has).

[BrandyHagz]

And to prove that every child is different - my son is 14 and has never asked about his birth father - however, I have opened the lines of communication so that he knows its not an 'out of bounds' topic of discussion.

He's just not interested - at least, not yet. I suspect he will be, at some point.

My daughter, however, was VERY interested and wanted a relationship with her bfather - I'm not sure what motivated it, but it was short lived. She was 10 when the questions started.

[trixila]

My nine yr old son's birthfather is way out of the picture, but his wonderful birthmother is not. My son knows the bf's name, has seen pictures, knows where he lives, etc. I have to be vague b/c the rest of the story is not pretty. As the parent, you are the gatekeeper of information. Once a cat is out of the bag, you can't put it back. Of course, when my son is mature enough to be told about the sordid aspect of his bf's life, he will. It's his right to know. We feel very fortunate to have an open adoption with his birthmother and focus on that part. And we never ever say anything negative about his bf.

[joskids]

I tell my son that his father works hard for our family and is a man to be respected, just like our son will be when he grows up. And I tell him that his biological father was a bully, made bad choices, and is in jail. I'm honest that, when bad choices are made, the consequences are not good, even for adults. It's not always easy to tell the truth, but I think it's generally best when told properly. If a child is a product of rape or incest, I think that is information better left unsaid unless it is necessary later in life. Kids need to know there are consequences in life and that they will be making choices that affect them forever.

[kretzklan]

My bio son has never met his father. It wasn't ever a secret - he knew there had to be a father. When I married and he was step-parent adopted (at the age of 4) he had never asked about his birth father. He is 12 now and he knows that I'm willing to discuss anything - but I don't have a lot of info. He does ask the random question about physical looks - starting to want to know what he'll look like, how tall he'll be, etc. My stock answer is "he wasn't ready to be a dad". It's true and doesn't put the blame on my son - who deserves none.