[shy_bear]

so this was said not once, but twice to me in one weekend!! First was on Thanksgiving day, we had some people over and we were sitting and chatting and we started talking about having more kids. One of the women said she can't get pg again, but would adopt, but her husband doesn't want to take on someone else's kid and his/her problems. She then asked me if I was worried if our son would turn out like his bp's?? My first thought is I don't know them to let YOU know if I would want him to be like them; I told her we hope our guidance will help him be a good person. Then on Friday, we are with some people my DH works with and are talking about kids; I see the lean from one of the women. She says in a low voice to her husband that our kids are adopted. Another person over hears and adds her two cents of how she wouldn't be able to love someone else's kids. Last time I checked they were my kids....OBVIOUSLY we don't feel this way so why can't people keep their opinions to themselves!!! My husband tells me I need to let these kind of comments go; that there are probably a lot of people in our lives who feel this way and just don't express it to us. That is fine with me; ignorance is bliss!!

[loveajax]

ack!!! I have had to deal with sort of similar comments....imo.they usually come from people who are a) bored with their own ''normal'' lives or b) insecure!!I had a friend who was ''mad'' because my ped said dd was ''so special.'' she said the ped was ''biased'' against bio kids...omg! get a life!

[lovemy2boys]

Yeah - we get that alot...but usually it's followed by "We don't know if we could LOVE a child that's not biologically ours"...and I say, "Well, you love eachother and aren't related....are you? "

The worst was when we were in the hospital visiting JD and his firstmom...Friends of the firstdad's were there along with one of their moms...Well, D had to sign the birth certificate, so we had to wait in the hallway with T's friends and friend's mom...

And they started with it. Well, that and how could D give away her baby. Ummm...hello - do you not see us?

Some times you just got to let it go...Yeah right - easier said than done...

[viannqueen]

Yes I'd chalk it up for having no clue. I'd be nothing but pleased as peaches if my daughter turns out like her birthmother. She's one of the most amazing, selfless and loving young women I know.

Before we had even thought about adoption I had the mistaken idea that all birthmothers have a history with drug abuse, alcohol, sleeping around etc. I've found the opposite to be true at least for the birth mothers I've met. Such loving, LOVING people to put their children first. But I'd probably still be an ignorant fool if not for being educated about the realities of adoption and going through it myself. It's such a blessing.

[melissa_bear003]

What a bunch of buttheads.

I know its not the same, but if it offers any comfort, as a homeschooler, I get so many invasive and insulting questions, it would just blow your mind...and the ever present, "I couldn't do that!!!" in this tone of shock and awe, like I've just given birth out my nose or something.

On a good note, people probably won't question your children about how they feel about being adopted, or if they wouldn't rather be with their birth family. People think nothing of asking my 10 yo those questions about being in school.

Idiots abound. Tactless people that think they have the right to question other's family decisions are everywhere. Unfortunately, there's no hunting season for them, I've checked. Mace, pepper spray, and tazers are also on the 'no no' list in dealing with them. Yup, checked out that too.

Can you tell its been one of those days?

[joskids]

See I can answer these fools by stating that I have had the enormous gift of giving birth 4 times and adopting 4 times . . . and that EACH of my children is loved so very much that I honestly have to remind myself which is which. ODIOTS!!! That what we call folks that would make such a ridiculous comment to an adoptive family. GEESH, ignorance is so rampant. I might have to say "Holy cow, you are so incredibly ignorant. I certainly hope, for your kids' sakes, that it's NOT GENETIC!".

[SupaModel]

I haven't had anyone say this to me "yet" but my friends know not to even try and go there! I think they would be scared

[EZ2Luv]

I know it can be irksome, but seriously, these people are clueless and just spouting words. These are the very people that probably will have kids that screw up in life and they have no one to point the finger at. I remember people saying stuff like that to my Sweet Momma and she just smile and say "I know,God chooses His own ways to create a family and I am so blessed" and then she would just say under her breath" Talk to me in 20 years"

My point is, no one can know for sure how their children will turn out. Some of the addicts that I treat come from the best most loving good families. There is simply no way of knowing. We can try as parents but there is no 100% garentee.

See my Momma knew that that was just foolishness and that people will always have somethink to say about just about anything. The best way to cut them shortis to eaither say nothing or just agree with them followed by something about God. Most people will find it hard to even continue the conversation that way.
Quite frankly it is no body's business how a family comes to be. Do we ask people with biokids how the conception of their children came to be? The where and when and details of it? No. So that it how stupid those comments are.

Believe me you can drive yourself nuts with foolish comments if you let it get to you. At the end of the day, you have your family and you love them. No one can dispute that.

Lastly, not everyone is as excited and pro adoption or even know anything about adoption as those of us in the adoption comminity so they are bound to make comments. Unless someone is genuinly sincere it is not our job to educate them either IMO.

EZ

[Fran27]

I hate those...

The worst I've had is some guy who kept talking to me about his baby boy when he knew I couldn't have kids and was trying to adopt... Just a few days after we got the call, he told me 'I love my son so much, I can't imagine how anyone could give their baby up'.

Some people are just clueless, and no amount of education will change that.

[Beautyqueen616]

I've decided it's just a lack of education. If someone has no adoptions in the family then they probably have no idea. Thats how it is with one side of DHs family. On the other side 2 of his cousins have children they adopted, one of which is also biracial like Kix. With my family most people are understanding but some not and it's mainly because she's biracial.

With clients at work it's just different, some are really nice and understanding and just ask questions because they are curious. The thing that ticks me off the most is when they ask about her "mom and dad" well me and DH are her mom and dad and we are great, thanks.

[Leigh131313]

Wow - for them to think that babies/children come with such baggage, they must have really AWFUL kids. How else could the be so jaded?? lol

I don't know....I think it boils down to - not everyone is a quality person. We all have our sore points in life - the wounds that people like to pour salt on - I think we just have to chose carefully the people we surround ourselves with.

And when we hear stupid comments like the ones you heard.....Thank them for their input - and give condolences to them (and their children) that they are so incredibly self centered.

[Rubi]

Yes, this is really so silly.....They say this as if the bp had a choice!!!! Most often if the bp sircumstances were different, they would want to keep their baby! The other side of this remark I heard the last week, twice! They look at my beautifull baby and then say: I don't know how any mother can give away such a pretty baby...My comment was: I can't believe how any one can keep her baby if she knows she doesn't have food and clothing to feed them!

People just don't THINK!!!! I choose not to ignore this remarks, but to educate them, because 6 years down the line they will make this remark in front of my child!!!!

[kittymom]

Arrggh, these kinds of comments make me furious. When I mentioned I was adopting, a girl at work acted horrified and actually tried to talk me out of it, suggesting surrogates and IVF. She said she just couldn't imagine parenting a child that wasn't "hers." I said in response that biology doesn't matter to us at all and changed the subject. That's what I tend to do with these people - change the subject and scurry away quickly before I show how mad I am!

And, like others mentioned, the "how could anyone give up their baby?" comments. I got one of those from my mother-in-law last weekend. I can't remember what I said - I know I tried to defend bmoms in general but I was caught off guard. I need to come up with a good response to that comment, because I have a feeling it's going to come up a lot.

My feelings about bmoms are very different from the general public, because of all the research I've done about it. It's natural for people to think about their own children and not be able to comprehend placing that child with another family. But I feel it's my duty to educate people about bmoms - how they're not selfish drug addicts, how they LOVE these children and are actually supremely UNselfish!

[Linny]

I can't add any more than what's already been posted. Melissa, I HAVE to say I LOVED your post! Made my afternoon!!!!!

Further, I don't think it's just about 'quality' people or ignorance; I believe there really are such shallow people on this planet---which, thank God, aren't out trying to adopt. THEY don't deserve babies like mine---or anyone else who's adopted their children, KWIM?

I'm THANKFUL They've not adopted---or even tried. And, I honestly think that's something I may just say to the next person who says something like this to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Been one of those days here too....)

Sincerely,

Linny

[Stormster]

When i get those comments, just at thanksgiving someone asked me if E's "father" is left handed. I said no (DH) is a righty.

But I come off so snarky. I hate being snarky! Then I feel like i have to apologize for being snarky. I don't like to make someone feel ashamed for an innocent comment but I let it lie. The snark, the shame....just hanging there in the air LOL

Great at parties!