[Singlemom619]

Long story short my son is adopted from foster care and I allowed a fairly open adoption for the past few years because I thought that's what was best for my son based on things I'd read and heard. (I've posted about this before, more has happen..)

I've learned it's not what's best for HIM right now as it's caused him a lot of confusion, anguish, and distance to everyone in his life. Yes he's in counseling and the counselors agree with this.

His Bmom has called several times over the past 2 weeks. She's only suppose to call once every weekend. I have tried explaining to her that the contact needs to stop for awhile and what it's doing to him BUT tried to put it in nicer terms because I'm not blaming her.

I will still keep in touch with her and share pictures and how he's doing - she just isn't going to talk to him.

HE agrees and wants this.

She called THREE times yesterday leaving messages and I finally text her and told her to check her e-mail. I sent her an e-mail saying everyone is okay but contact needs to stop for awhile because of how my son is dealing with it. I wasn't as sugar-coating as normal.

She just left me a message saying some craziness and that she was going to call CPS to report that his "foster" mom has gotten rid of him and blah blah how she's his mom.

1. How do I make her understand that this isn't about HER. This is about what's best for HIM and that she's not going to talk to him?

2. How do I get her to understand that her calling and saying this craziness does NOT convince me that's she stable and she should/could have contact in the future when he's doing better?

3. Seriously - the thing about me being a "foster" mom and her being mom and it's her son... She's NEVER said anything like that to me before...She only "Raised" him for 2.5 years before he was removed... I've raised him for 6 years... (He's 10 now and was in another foster home before I adopted.)

4. I am NOT going to give into her threats and her her thinking that if she makes them that I'll call her whenever she wants... This is what she does - calls and says how she's worried about him or me or something to get me to call back. I've NEVER called right back when she's said it but this message crosses the line.

We have always had a great relationship, she's always said really positive things about me... I've explained to her why I was cutting back phone calls and she was okay at first but is now acting like this. I would like to still have a decent relationship with her BUT I'm not going to give in to threats and I'm not going to allow contact until the professionals say he's ready for it.

(This was NEVER an open adoption to begin with, I allowed contact because I thought that's what was best at the time...)

[aclee]

Don't give in and continue to do what is best for your son. From what I have heard on this board, CPS doesn't give much credit to a biological parent that calls and attempts to report something. There is a bmom on here who made an adoption plan (her kids were not taken by the state for foster care) and then later, she had legit concerns and she was still written off. I'm don't think that even if she reported to CPS, they would do much, but I'd keep a binder of communication anyway. Log her calls, what they said etc.

best of luck!

[Suziebearhugs]

Do what you and the counselor believe is best for your son.

I'd also write his birthmother a letter staying that you are making this decision based on your sons needs at this time and that the contact they were having is negatively affecting him.

I'd also let her know that her continued phone calls and threats are not appreciated and if she continues will cause you to pull away more from remaining in contact with her.

I'd also send a note from the therapist stating that contact is not appropriate for him right now and that he is recieving counseling to help him deal with those issues that have come up because of it.

[jp4ga]

I would change my phone number or get a second line. Then you can turn the phone off when you don't want calls from her. The easy thing might be to add another line to your cell service and only turn it on when she is permitted to call. I know changing numbers is a pain but it may be what you need to do. She needs to understand that you are doing what is best for your son. It will be hard for her to pull back especially during this holiday season. But do what you must to protect your son and your family.

[Singlemom619]

I just typed up a response to her - it's like 2 pages long.

I basically went back and factually recounted what has happen with my son in terms of psych evals and findings, when he's requested contact vs. when he's had contact (he's only asked to talk to her 2 times in the past 2 years.)

I explained how he's regressed in terms of attachment and statements he's made about not wanting to end up like her and his fear that her blood is in him.

I didn't say anything to be mean or nasty - but I've been sugar coating everything to protect HER feelings and instead I need to be blunt and put HIS feelings far ahead of hers.

I laid out what the contact was going to be - back how it was when the adoption finalized - NO contact with him, only me giving updates and photos.... And I even said the he wouldn't have any contact with ANY family (including my own) unless HE asks for it.

I am not sending it yet.

I wrote it and saved it. Tomorrow I'll think it all through and edit... Maybe post here and have you all edit it.

It's just there ready to send if she ever does e-mail me like she said she was going to.

(I'm not changing my number. I see her name pop up on caller ID and I just press the ignore button. I've had my # for 8 years and even though we no longer live in that area it's local for my family and friends to call us and it's the only way some people can find me... Thanks for the ideas though )

[Singlemom619]

This is SOOO long - I'm sorry... I was hoping you might have a few minutes to read it and tell me if I should change something... I've changed the names

I haven't been completely upfront with you since the beginning. I haven't lied, but in order to protect your feelings I haven't told you everything that's been said and everything that's happen because I didn't want you to be sad or blame yourself. I realize now, after the things you've said recently, that I should have just been blunt and not worried about trying to protect you. You are an adult and you are capable of dealing with things, you don’t need me to shield you from the truth.

Right before the adoption finalized the courts had a psychological evaluation completed on BillyBob. It was included in the court documents and I mentioned it to you that day in court but I didn't go into details and I'm not sure if you ever read the report. The report stated that if BillyBob were to continue having contact with you it would be harmful to him and that the contact should stop. I told you that day in court that the report said something along those lines and I told you that I would let you know how he was doing and send you pictures.

Over the months after that court date, I asked BillyBob if he wanted to talk to you or call you and he would say no. His counselor would also talk to him about you and contact with you, but he didn't want any. One reason he didn't want contact because he had been let down so many times. There were so many visits while he was in foster care where he sat there waiting for you and you wouldn't show up. He didn’t believe that you loved him. Then there were so many times that you showed up and gave him things and so he convinced himself that you loved him BECAUSE you bought him things. Because you weren't always THERE for him he didn't believe you loved him, so he decided that you buying him things proved you loved him.

There were times that he told the social worker, the counselor, and me that if you didn’t bring him “things” then he didn’t want to see you. I remember telling you back then that it was important not to give him anything and instead to see him and focus on just being with him rather than giving things to him.

BillyBob asked to see you two times after that court date in January of 2006. Once to say "bye" to you before the adoption finalized. He said he wanted to see you "one last time.” I said that was fine and that's when I planned the day at Build-A-Bear, lunch, and time at your grandmother's. After that, he didn't want to talk about you or talk to you again until right before we moved to XXXXXX. He again said he wanted to see you one last time to "say bye." So we did with the counselor there to help him work through things.

When we moved here you called every once in awhile and you would ask me how he was doing. I would ask BillyBob if he wanted to talk to you and he'd say no. Then I began asking him questions about why he didn't want to talk to you. He thought I wanted him to talk to you and so he finally said "Okay I'll talk to her." I didn't want him to talk to you because he thoughts that's what I wanted, but I also wasn't going to tell him no. He spoke with you that Thanksgiving day in 2006.

Since then, over the past 2 years he has only asked to call you two times. The other times he's talked to you has been because you called him. Sometimes it was clear that he didn't want to talk by the lack of talking on his part, and there were other times when you'd call and before I answered the phone I would ask if he wanted to talk to you, and if he said no then I wouldn't answer the phone.

I understood your desire to speak to him and to hear his voice especially since you seemed to be getting your life on track. It was because of this that I allowed the calls to continue and I thought that BillyBob would tell me when he didn’t want to talk.

The phone calls became more and more frequent, and what started out as once every couple months eventually became far too often - sometimes 4-5 times in one day alone (last April.)

BillyBob became confused about who his parent was, who made the rules for him to live by, who he should receive consequences from, and who he should turn to. Although you are his biological mother, I am his mom and I am the person that is here every day taking care of him and I am responsible for the expectations, rewards, and consequences.

The phone calls and the contact wasn't about HIM and what HE wanted, it was about you and what you wanted and needed. It was my fault for letting it progress that far and not stopping it sooner, but it happen gradually and I was concerned about your feelings and how to tell you to stop calling so much. We had such a positive relationship up until this week that I was worried about that changing if I told you that contact needed to stop.

Through all of this BillyBob's counselors said the contact was too much and finally one of them put it bluntly - BillyBob's feelings should be my priority, and not your feelings. It was that comment that finally opened my eyes and made it clear that I needed to put BillyBob first and I wasn’t doing that by continuing to allow the contact.

Since the contact began and increased, BillyBob went from feeling safe and secure and performing well in school... To being distant, asking questions about social workers taking him away again, saying he was scared that he’d be made to go back and live with you, and his academics decreasing. He made comments about how your blood was in him and how he didn't want to end up like you and he felt like he had no control over that. He would blame you for issues he was having now.

His counselors and I were constantly having to reassure him that he was safe and was not going anywhere and that you were not to blame for who he is today and your DNA wasn't going to automatically make him into the same person you are today.

The counselors had said years ago that he didn't have any real attachments to ANYONE - not the deep connections and attachments that children normally have to their parents... Around the time that the adoption went through they said he was starting to have that with me... Now, 2 years later, we have not made any progress and they say it's because he's constantly being pulled back into the past. He's constantly questioned or questioning about where his home is, who his family is, what his DNA does and does not control... He's constantly struggling with feeling loved even though people aren't spending money on him. He logically knows that I love him unconditionally, but he constantly goes back to thinking that if I don't buy him things then I must not love him.

I can not let my son grow up to be a man that doesn't have any real deep connections with anyone. I can not let him keep going through life falling back to thinking that love is material possessions. I can't let him go through life not feeling safe and secure. I have to put him first, even if that means other people get their feelings hurt, because that's what mother's do - they put their children first - above everything else - and that's what I had been doing for a long time.

In order to protect him and to help him focus on who he is now and building the bonds and attachments that he needs now, contact is going to go back to where it was 3 years ago. I will send you pictures, I will let you know how he is doing - by e-mail or letters. BillyBob will not speak with you on the phone, or with any other family members (including those on my side of the family) unless HE asks to.

BillyBob will be reminded that he is loved by a lot of people - every night during our "who loves you" game where he names everyone he can think of and I name all the people that he's forgotten. BillyBob will be reminded about where he's come from with the pictures in his room and his scrapbook of his life. BillyBob will continue to work with his counselor on understanding everything and working through the issues that he has now and those that he'll face as he goes through puberty. BillyBob will know that he has two sides to his family and that no matter what he will always have those two sides even if we don't see them very often. It will be up to BillyBob and his counselors who he talks to and when he talks to them.

Anything that is sent to him will be saved (along with everything else that I've saved over the years) in the hope chest with all the papers from his life and adoption. When he is ready to see them or have them, then they will be his.

I've done my best to be completely open with this e-mail and to explain things as best as I can. I've put a few phone calls in to our former counselor and a former social worker in XXXXX to ask them for referrals to counselors that might be able to help you understand this better than what I've been able to explain and possibly for books that also might help.

[Suziebearhugs]

I think you did a great job of explaining to her what the reality of the situation is, without being too harsh.

She will not like hearing those things. She will be hurt. She will be angry. She probably won't even believe you, or she will blame you for putting those thoughts and feelings in his head.

If you send her this e-mail know that she will react to it and it probably will not be a reaction you will like. It's something she will have to work through as she deals with the truths of what has been explained to her as well as the reality that her contact with him has ended (at least for now). That's not something she's going to be happy about and it's going to take her some time to come to terms with. Please know that she will not agree with you or the councelors decision. She will likely experience the whole range of emotions, from anger, denial, barganing, sadness etc.

It's going to be hard to watch her go through these stages before she finally accepts (if she ever does) your decision.

The important thing to remember is that you have to put your son first. He is your priority. You can still be kind and compassionate with his birthmother by continuing to send her updates and pictures, while also protecting your son and helping him heal.

[Singlemom619]

Originally Posted by Suziebearhugs

I think you did a great job of explaining to her what the reality of the situation is, without being too harsh.

She will not like hearing those things. She will be hurt. She will be angry. She probably won't even believe you, or she will blame you for putting those thoughts and feelings in his head.

If you send her this e-mail know that she will react to it and it probably will not be a reaction you will like. It's something she will have to work through as she deals with the truths of what has been explained to her as well as the reality that her contact with him has ended (at least for now). That's not something she's going to be happy about and it's going to take her some time to come to terms with. Please know that she will not agree with you or the councelors decision. She will likely experience the whole range of emotions, from anger, denial, barganing, sadness etc.

It's going to be hard to watch her go through these stages before she finally accepts (if she ever does) your decision.

The important thing to remember is that you have to put your son first. He is your priority. You can still be kind and compassionate with his birthmother by continuing to send her updates and pictures, while also protecting your son and helping him heal.

I realize this, and as I was writing it I was thinking about how she wasn't going to believe me and she'd think I was to blame. But I don't feel I have any other options so I'm going to be honest and hope she'll eventually understand and see that I'm not making it up and I didn't cause it.

When my son has said negative things about her or blamed her I have told him it's not right. He's welcome to feel the way he does but he also has to realize that she did the best she could based on what she'd been through....

[crick]

This is not really anything to do with contacting bmom, just a comment you made I wanted to respond to.

The negative things he says about her and her life are obviously his feelings, as you said. It's also his way of working things out for himself. I, too, would tell my kids "hey...you have the right to be angry, sad, frustrated, betrayed etc. but they did their best and it's not that they didn't love you, they couldn't do their jobs right". This is what we parents learn in our training and the advice we get. We want to not give them negative images or comments against their bparents because we know that even with neglect & abuse, most kids still have love for them.

I don't feel that way anymore though. The reason is because my son went through a very serious trauma regression. During that time we learned he was hearing from us "It's okay they (bparents) did that because they didn't know any better". Yet we also tell HIM "You have choices to make, you can choose to do the right thing". Very conflicting messages if we think about it and for a 10 year old, it says to him "YOU are expected to be responsible, but the adult in your life who didn't do their job, is not held to the same standards".

It really messed with him emotionally and unfortunately it wasn't something that he felt he could share with us for a long time. He doesn't want to hear "they did their best", because deep down he knows they didn't. So in a sense, my son really couldn't figure out why we'd say things like that and we must not love him as much as we said we did because why would we respect the people who hurt him?

When I saw your comment that it's not right for him to say negative things, I wanted to share, because I was in that place too. Based on my experiences with my son, I don't think it's the best way to handle that type of situation and actually leads to more situations for our kids. I think they have to feel safe to say whatever they want in a safe & appropriate setting and allow them to process all of it in their way.

Maybe it's different for you and your son, I don't know...just wanted to let you know another side of things as I know you are doing so many things right now to help him heal.

[Singlemom619]

Originally Posted by crick

This is not really anything to do with contacting bmom, just a comment you made I wanted to respond to.

The negative things he says about her and her life are obviously his feelings, as you said. It's also his way of working things out for himself. I, too, would tell my kids "hey...you have the right to be angry, sad, frustrated, betrayed etc. but they did their best and it's not that they didn't love you, they couldn't do their jobs right". This is what we parents learn in our training and the advice we get. We want to not give them negative images or comments against their bparents because we know that even with neglect & abuse, most kids still have love for them.

I don't feel that way anymore though. The reason is because my son went through a very serious trauma regression. During that time we learned he was hearing from us "It's okay they (bparents) did that because they didn't know any better". Yet we also tell HIM "You have choices to make, you can choose to do the right thing". Very conflicting messages if we think about it and for a 10 year old, it says to him "YOU are expected to be responsible, but the adult in your life who didn't do their job, is not held to the same standards".

It really messed with him emotionally and unfortunately it wasn't something that he felt he could share with us for a long time. He doesn't want to hear "they did their best", because deep down he knows they didn't. So in a sense, my son really couldn't figure out why we'd say things like that and we must not love him as much as we said we did because why would we respect the people who hurt him?

When I saw your comment that it's not right for him to say negative things, I wanted to share, because I was in that place too. Based on my experiences with my son, I don't think it's the best way to handle that type of situation and actually leads to more situations for our kids. I think they have to feel safe to say whatever they want in a safe & appropriate setting and allow them to process all of it in their way.

Maybe it's different for you and your son, I don't know...just wanted to let you know another side of things as I know you are doing so many things right now to help him heal.

I appreciate your thoughts... I wasn't too specific about what I say to him - but basically we have discussed drugs because that was the most frequent reason she had issues. She was addicted to them and we've talked about how it effects you and how hard it is to get off them.

Yes that means she chose drugs over him... BUT I'm not going to have him think that she didn't care about him or love him so we've talked about how that choice is sometimes just too hard to make and it's almost not even a choice for some people... We've gone into more depth at home and with the counselors.

I do completely agree with what you're saying and I have allowed him to blame her and have been honest that YES she did make horrible choices and YES she could have made different choices and not turned to drugs... My son knows that I grew up in a pretty bad situation too and yet I didn't turn to drugs.... He knows there are choices... He's allowed to be angry with her if he wants to... But I won't let him blame her for things he does now (he'll say things like how he's failing school because of her blood - meaning genes/DNA - but he doesn't even know how smart she is or how far she got in school.... so he shouldn't be blaming her at that point...)

[Beautyqueen616]

I would document everything, get a report from his therapist saying contact needs to stop for awhile even send her a copy of this showing that it's not you who is saying this alone. If she continues to interfere and cause issues with your son you can file a restraining order. Nobody wants to take it this far but sometimes it's a wake up call.

[lovemy2boys]

I just read your letter and wanted to let you know that I was "there" a few years ago. Not with the exact issues you are dealing with, but in a place where I sent an eerily similar letter to one of my kids' firstmoms. Where we put in writing all our feelings and intentions because she refused to acknowledge boundaries. I wish I would have been more emotionally prepared for the backlash that occurred.

Although your purpose wasn't to be accusatory, be prepared for her to think of it as such...and I know that right now your main concern is for your son, and her feelings are secondary, but your true intent of the letter may fall on deaf ears. When I sent out a similar letter, D only saw it as a betrayal on our part, and most of what we were trying to say was lost on her.

If I could go back in time, I would change the content in the letter. I would not spell out all of our issues and all of the feelings involved - because even though I "meant" one thing, she interpreted it as another, and it just pushed our relationship further and further back. It was like swimming up stream. And I have a feeling that you will be going through the same thing.

I hope things change for the better for your son's sake.

[mommmmy]

Originally Posted by crick

This is not really anything to do with contacting bmom, just a comment you made I wanted to respond to.

The negative things he says about her and her life are obviously his feelings, as you said. It's also his way of working things out for himself. I, too, would tell my kids "hey...you have the right to be angry, sad, frustrated, betrayed etc. but they did their best and it's not that they didn't love you, they couldn't do their jobs right". This is what we parents learn in our training and the advice we get. We want to not give them negative images or comments against their bparents because we know that even with neglect & abuse, most kids still have love for them.

I don't feel that way anymore though. The reason is because my son went through a very serious trauma regression. During that time we learned he was hearing from us "It's okay they (bparents) did that because they didn't know any better". Yet we also tell HIM "You have choices to make, you can choose to do the right thing". Very conflicting messages if we think about it and for a 10 year old, it says to him "YOU are expected to be responsible, but the adult in your life who didn't do their job, is not held to the same standards".

It really messed with him emotionally and unfortunately it wasn't something that he felt he could share with us for a long time. He doesn't want to hear "they did their best", because deep down he knows they didn't. So in a sense, my son really couldn't figure out why we'd say things like that and we must not love him as much as we said we did because why would we respect the people who hurt him?

When I saw your comment that it's not right for him to say negative things, I wanted to share, because I was in that place too. Based on my experiences with my son, I don't think it's the best way to handle that type of situation and actually leads to more situations for our kids. I think they have to feel safe to say whatever they want in a safe & appropriate setting and allow them to process all of it in their way.

Maybe it's different for you and your son, I don't know...just wanted to let you know another side of things as I know you are doing so many things right now to help him heal.

YES YES YES!!!

Exactly. This is just so true! I think that most children who have lived through trauma/abuse (myself being one) get very conflicting messages...even from therapists. We are told that people do the best that they can with what they have at the time. And this may be true and some of us can even get this logically. However, that doesn't address the issue that we NEED someone to protect us, stand up for us, take care of us.

Sometimes in our societal needs to be PC we end up doing damage to those around us who have been victims.

I'll tell you what...I was deep into therapy and about 27-28 years old (in the midst of PTSD) before I finally knew someone who straight out said - NO this was WRONG! What happened was NOT ok in any way shape or form and they were WRONG in doing any of this. You do NOT owe them anything...they are NOT ok people...period. And honestly....it took someone saying that to start truly healing. At the time I even defended them and tried to protect them in some way. But now (many years later) I know that was a turning point for me. For the first time it was just so clear that they absolutely were at fault and wrong in what they did....and very clear that in no way was it me, ever and I certainly was NOT responsible for making them ok, fell better, or any of that.

[Suziebearhugs]

I'm so glad you brought up this thread, it's hit home with some issues I'm having in our open adoption as well. I enjoy hearing others opinions.

I was just thinking. Maybe she shouldn't be given this letter at all? I mean why should you have to share all the details and tell her how and why it is, you made that parenting decision for your child. Given her responce already she probably won't appreciate or believe what your telling her anyways. Or may take the things you say and try and use it against you?

Like lovemy2boys said it will probably fall on deaf ears anyways, so what's the point?

I just completed writing a similiar letter that I've been working on for weeks and while I'm glad I finally got it all written out especially for myself and my daughter (so she will clearly know the reasons why less contact is better for now). I'm not sure wether or not I'm going to send it, for the same reasons as above.

What are your thoughts?

Is it really necessary to justify our reasons and the details of why we made those parenting choices? What good will it do? In some cases, I can see why you'd want to share all the details out of courtesy to the birthmother, but when you know it's going to fall on deaf ears, it almost seems like "what's the point?"

[Singlemom619]

Suzie...

Well I sent it earlier today. I then spoke to the adoption social worker that finalized our adoption 2 years ago and remembers us well and she was adamant that I not allow contact and that I don't try to find Bmom any support services because if Bmom wants then she'll find them.

I get what you're saying - and you're right - no matter what I say I'm sure Bmom will blame this on me, say it's not true, or think that I'm just doing this out of control or something stupid. BUT I feel like if I just cut off contact and don't explain it then that WOULD be why I was cutting off. I'm cutting off for specific reasons, and I want her to know even if she doesn't believe me... and someday my son will know that I did tell her why I was cutting off contact. AND if there ever is contact in the future she'll know why it was cut off and if she does or says anything that causes us to be in the same situation it'll be cut off again.

I get what you're saying - and I wasn't going to send the e-mail until/unless she contacted me again - BUT I decided to do it... That way if she contacts me again and it's not simply to ask how he's doing then I can at least tell her that I've already explained it to her and I could also tell her I'll seek a restraining order if I need to (although I don't think I'd ever go to that extreme...)