[jules17]

As you know, we had to decline a match last week.

I keep waiting to "feel okay with it" and I am nowhere near there yet. I keep telling myself things like "But it's best for our family"...all of that said, I don't know that for sure. Now, I know it has only been a few days, but the thought that we could still change our minds keeps nagging at me.

I keep going back to that sweet baby and wondering if I am kidding myself about what the future would really be like. But I have to be fair to our children, us AND him.

So how does one know what is best? We are the type of people that once we commit to something, we commit heart, soul and forever. So we aren't taking this lightly.

I am wondering if my feelings are normal - is it normal to not totally know and yet know enough to make a decision?

I am struggling with "giving up" on him mostly, knowing he didn't ask for any of this.

Many thanks for any hope or clarity you can provide.

[Stormster]

You never gave up on him because you never accepted the match. He has a mother. He is still under her care (heck he hasnt' been born yet!) and may be for a long time, there is no way of knowing if she will parent, if she would have changed her mind.... And you never told his mother you would adopt him. Please don't take this on as your responsibility because it isn't.

As you know from reading this forum there are many many wonderful families aching to adopt a child and there will be a great family for this boy WHO WILL KNOW THE WHOLE STORY FROM THE START. Remember you were ready to take this match until his mother lied to you about her drug use. You did everything you could do...you have two very young boys who might have been neglected if this baby is born with the serious problems often associated with poly drug (and possible alcohol) abuse. That is why you are not looking to do a special needs adoption at this time. You declined a match you did not walk away (which also would have been understandable).

You may not find peace until you have your baby home in your arms because there is just no real peace in this process. It's fraught with anxiety unless you work very very hard to detach and find peace yourself. 2 cents!

[sambob]

What you are going through is totally normal. You made the decision based on what was best for you and your family, and you made that decision for a reason. There are lots of "what ifs" in life - it's what makes life interesting, I think, and it also helps shape our future. We had a situation that fell through for us several years ago, and when I think about where we are now, I know that happened for a reason. It didn't make sense at the time, but it does now and I am at peace. You may always wonder about that little boy, as I do ours, but I'm okay with it, and you will be, too. *hugs*

[lovemy2boys]

Like sambob said, there are always "what ifs"...

And you may not know for sure whether or not this was a "wrong" match, but you also aren't 100% sure it was a "right" match...This little boy and his mom will find a family that is 100% at peace with their decision, and you and your family will find the "right" match for your family.

And I think in your heart you'd know if it was a right match...

Storm is right...you made no promises...you can't accept "responsibility" for doing what's right for your family.

Take care...it ain't always easy, is it?

[loveajax]

jules, we turned down a ''match'' on reasons that may not have made sense to anyone else but did to us....lo and behold it turned out the emom had boy girl twins and my friend adopted them!!! I have met them and know that they are exactly with the right family.we met a couple that dd's birth mom was considering at an adoption party. they said they were so bummed until...a week later they were called re their dd. we laughed that things turned out perfectly for both of us.you may not have ''visibility'' into what will happen but trust in your heart that you did the right thing and this baby will also find the ''right thing.'' this is all such a leap of faith but as others said when you jump in you want to be 100 percent (and you will know it when it happens)...hang in there!

[Wisdom]

Your feelings are completely normal. It's normal to wonder if you did the right thing even when you know you did. We turned down a situation and even though we knew it was the right thing for us to do, there were times I questioned it. Complete peace of mind didn't come until we were matched with our son about a month later.

[mommamarci]

We never had to turn down a match, but we did turn down being shown a few times. I second guessed msyelf like crazy. For me, I got my peace by thinking about what the child deserved. The kids we turned down deserved to go into a home where the parents felt nothing but excited. I had reservations. They deserved parents without reservations. I was confident those parents were out there. I knew there were parents who would have no reservations and be so excited to welcome them into their homes and lives. The parents would not ever feel like they were 'settling.' That was not how I was feeling.

[redbonec]

Something happened to me the other day. A friend asked me to do something that would have taken a time commitment that I did not have. I was honest and said no, but I felt guilty. I kept thinking I should call her back and say yes. But at the same time I also kept thinking my no was the right answer. I talked to her a little while later and she said that she had contacted another person to do what she was asking and that person was very excited and she had been wanting to do something like this. So it hit me--my answer of no gave the right person the opportunity to say yes.

You were moved to say no for a reason. If you had said yes with reservations, you would not be allowing the right family to say yes. And you would not be allowing your family to be waiting and preparing for the right child for your family that is to come.

This must be so hard for you. I am sure it will take a while.

Best wishes,
Michelle

[EZ2Luv]

Jule,.
What you are feeling is normal as others have said. You ask about that feeling of peace. Well when you look into the eyes of you little ones or watch them sleep and you get that feeling that God hand picked them just for you, that feeling is what will sustain you. Knowing that God has a baby destin to be part of your family in the same way your two others came to you. Hang on to that. If this baby was meant to be in your arms you would not have declined the match. That voice of God would have over powered evey doubt and it would have felt just right. Sure you can be sad that you had to decline, but God knows what match will be perfect for your family just like he has a plan for the baby you declined. That baby is a part of another family's plan. So my answer is basically that peace comes when you hang onto hope that all will be well. And what can better show that all is well then when we look at our children?

EZ

[aclee]

I think it can take a while. When we were first starting our adoption journey a little over a year ago, I reached out to MANY agencies. We had an agency contact us almost immediatly in return saying they had an emom due in mid Feb with AA twins. Were we interested. The fees were about 5K (plus travel) outside our range. To go further in to debt for a situation where I would have to stop working and we'd have double the baby expenses wasn't something we could do...among other things we weren't comfortable with. Up front agency fees, a longer match than we wanted, concern about high traveling costs if the twins were in NICU or brn early etc. For several months, we looked at other situations, but I continued to recieve up dates on that emom as they found out the gender (two girls) and were still looking for a match for her. In January, only a few weeks before Ty's birth we heard that a couple that WAS matched with the emom had disrupted for a born baby. They asked us again to consider the emom, and again we said no. About a week later, we were matched with Ty.

I still think about them, and wonder. I know that twin baby girls found a home somewhere...I think about them, but when I see Tyler I know we did the right thing. We knew that given the situations, those girls weren't the right fit for our family. When it is the right baby, you'll know. You may always think about this baby, but it eases your mind to know that you allowed that baby to find it's "right" home too.

[OakShannon]

It's hard. I hope that as the days go on, you are feeling better about your decision. I think Michelle put it well when she said that your, "no" might give the right family the opportunity to say "yes."

We turned down one placement with a little boy because he had immune system problems that we felt unable to deal with. We still think about him often and ask our sw how he's doing. I think those children do stay with us. The hardest situations are the ones where you lean one way or another but can't feel completely sure and confident about your decision.

In these situations, sometimes I try to visualize changing my mind. I try to really imagine how I would be feeling. As hard as it was to say no - and we had met this little boy - the feelings I had when I imagined saying yes were a good mix of panic and nervousness. That's how I know I wasn't the right person to be his mom.

[jp4ga]

Peace will come. Keep in mind that you have to consider every member of the family when accepting a match. We turned down several matches becasue the bmoms lied about one thing or another, or confessed to doing drugs. Our thoughts were if they lie about a little thing, they might lie about big things. The one thing about adoption is that you CAN turn down matchs that you just feel are not right.

Your baby will find you.