[lyngan]

I can identify with the feeling of not being excited about a preganancy after adoption. I wanted to have a family 10 years ago. After a couple of tries of invitro, we happily moved on to adoption. Throughout that long process we became parents of a wonderful little boy who is almost 4 years old. I have totally come to terms with being infertile, until all of a sudden , I have learned that I'm not so infertile. I'm pregnant. I know I "should" be happy, although I was totally content with my life and now feel that this is somewhat "unwanted" at this stage in my life. I feel terrible, but I have no idea how to change my feelings. Does anyone have any suggestions for me, I just don't want either one of them to feel bad, ever, whether it is my "chosen" son who was adopted or the "oops" baby on the way. I don't even feel like I know who I am, I've developed such a thick skin to being infertile, I'm just so confused. It's also somewhat an identity crisis. Please help??

[guatparents2be]

Wow. I know how much you have going on in your life and I imagine that this has thrown you for quite a loop! My thoughts are with you...

We tried to get PG for a few months when I finally just broke down with DH and was able to articulate that I really didn't feel right about getting PG because I never really desired it, I have a strong belief that the earth is being stretched to capacity with the number of people already on it, and there are so many children in need of homes.

After we cleared PGN people would say that now I'd probably get PG I'd look shocked and say "I hope not, it would mean my birth control isn't working!"

Turned out in the end that less than a year after J came home I had a hysterectomy and they found I had a giant fibroid, endometriosis, a large ovarian cyst and a fallopian tube that looked like a slinky. Hmph, all that birth control wasted!

In all seriousness though, it's always tough to deal with other people sticking their noses in your business (so to speak.) Here we are free of judgment and simply send love.

[guatmama06]

Just want to start out with a big hug!

I have been in your shoes..two times since we got home. ( We lost both).
I can and do understand your not wanting to be PG.
I myself felt like I haden't given him enough time home with us.
I also didnt want to go through the surgery again ,while we had our son home....
We are looking into essure,we have lost six babies.
We are blessed with our son, and we are over the moon happy having a beautiful baby from Guatemala.

Home april 24 th 2008...the best day!

Kim

[robandjulie]

Originally Posted by lyngan

I can identify with the feeling of not being excited about a preganancy after adoption. I wanted to have a family 10 years ago. After a couple of tries of invitro, we happily moved on to adoption. Throughout that long process we became parents of a wonderful little boy who is almost 4 years old. I have totally come to terms with being infertile, until all of a sudden , I have learned that I'm not so infertile. I'm pregnant. I know I "should" be happy, although I was totally content with my life and now feel that this is somewhat "unwanted" at this stage in my life. I feel terrible, but I have no idea how to change my feelings. Does anyone have any suggestions for me, I just don't want either one of them to feel bad, ever, whether it is my "chosen" son who was adopted or the "oops" baby on the way. I don't even feel like I know who I am, I've developed such a thick skin to being infertile, I'm just so confused. It's also somewhat an identity crisis. Please help??

First, congratulations on both of your children!

Second, my thoughts and prayers go out to you--I can only imagine how mixed up and emotional this time is for you.


Finally, I have no personal experience to share, but I do read a blog from a very honest, funny, and well spoken woman who does. She battled infertility, adopted from China and found herself pg a year or so later. It may help. Cheek: An Infairytale of Sorts

Good luck, and God Bless.

[alinev]

I know EXACTLY how you feel. After 18 months and 4 rounds of invitro, including 2 miscarriages, we started the adoption process. Our paperwork cleared mid-July, we were matched 3 days later with a emom who's baby was due in November. At the end of August I found out I was pregnant. I was actually pretty unhappy for a while. To begin with, I wasn't remotely sure the pregnancy would stick, but more importantly, I just wanted to focus all my energy on the child we would be adopting and were so invested in. Ultimately, my pregnancy held and I was just at 12 weeks when I was cutting our oldest son's cord. The guys are 6 months apart. Additionally, when our middle guy was 6 months old, our oldest son's birthparents contacted us about another baby so in all we have 3 boys, in 18 months.

My only advice is, to the best of you ability, focus on the child you have, not the one you may have, until you have a better sense of the outcome. I just tried not to think too much about my pregnancy at all other then to take good care of my health. It was frustrating, I wanted to paint the new baby's room and couldn't, I was tired and swelling etc. At the beginning I was really more frustrated then happy. I also wanted to be as well prepared as I could be emotionally if the pregnancy failed.

As for the adoption/pregnancy comments, buckle up, they will be endless. I am fairly certain people will still be telling me I got pregnant becuse we adopted when my kids are 30.

I could not have planned what happened but I am forever grateful for the outcome.

[kacmom1]

WOW....what a surprise for you. The only thing I can say is that this child is coming into your life for a reason. You have been given this miracle baby and I know once the shock wears off, you'll welcome this baby and love this baby forever!
Hang in there! I'm sure you'll be just fine....

[angel_bayou]

Well congratulations are in order!! I hope things get better for you but I have no real advice! After 6 1/2 years of infertility treatments I got pregnant and found out only 8 days after sending off my documnets to GUA! It was a shock and took me awhile to get use to it but it did et better! Now I have two beautiful girls and a son to show for it!!

[LJR1974]

Similar thing here. We got pg while in process. I didn't want to be pg at that time. I wanted to focus on the adoption process and our ds.

Not to mention I've been pg many, many times and at that time I hadn't had any success thru pg. Plus we were afraid our adoption might not go thru... it was a terrifying time. I thought I'd lose both and completely go insane (having gone thru years of failures before even getting to adoption). I was also worried about both arriving so close together. That I wouldn't have the ability to take care of both a newborn and a toddler that needed extra attention to get thru the attachment process.

And you're right. There is an "identity" that comes with infertility. It takes a long time to sort out what you've been thru. Pg turns that on its head.

Be prepared for the "I KNEW you'd get pg! That happens ALL THE TIME!" comments. Ugh.

Other than that, just hang in there. It will get better. A year from now it will just be your new "normal life."

[JosieWales]

I totally understand your feelings. Owen had been home just about 4 months when we found out I was pg. We were in total shock, and scared out of our minds, since Owen would be 21 months when the baby was born. Having 2 under the age of 2 was not something I'd ever wanted or envisioned. Plus, that 'infertile identity' was where I'd put myself, too.

It took several weeks for the shock to wear off, and the fear never really did go away. But it gradually turned into happy fear, if that makes sense. Excitement. Owen watched his mommy's tummy grow and got excited, too. That helped.

As for fear of m/c, I'll tell you what I did. I let it go. I've had 7 IVFs and 2 m/c's. The pain those losses and failures caused was intense, crippling. What I did when I found out I was pg was this: I looked at my life. I looked at Owen, my sweet, adorable, intelligent son who called me Mommy. I looked at my husband, a strong, generous man who has loved me through the worst times of our lives. I looked at my friends and family. And I decided that if that pg ended in m/c, I WOULD be ok. I would be sad, I would grieve--but I would have Owen, Shannon, and the rest of my wonderful support system--in short, I'd still have my life, and I loved it just as it was.

My advice is to let go of your fears, misgivings, your 'identity' as an 'infertile.' Your identity comes from who you are, who you love, and who loves you. With or without this pg, you are still you. You still have your sweet son, and nothing will change that.

[cetalley]

Congrats, on the new arrival to be. GOD does work in mysterious ways, obviously he thought you would be perfectly suited for this child. Try not to question the whys', for then you will forget to enjoy the now. It is nothing less than miraculous to feel a child grow inside you. The hormones along with maybe a bit of angst over the past miscarriages, is probably working into this equasion. You will be wonderful new mommy, hang in there, I promise it will get better. There are so many women whom would give their eye-teeth to be pregnant, you trulyhave been blessed!

[aclee]

The women at my Mom's work started a $ pool for how fast I would get pregnant after we adopted Ty. They ALL gave me less than 6 months. We were intentionally very careful for those 6 months. When I asked my mom what she said when she found out, she said she laughed. I told her she should have said...Thanks so much for supporting my daughter in her adoption plan.

I spent so much of our adoption journey telling everyone that NO...I wasn't going to get pregnant; if that happen now if it would be hard.

If anyone makes comments like "See, you should have just relaxed and you wouldn't have had to adopt" I give you premission to punch them in the face. If I was in your shoes (and I can totally name who would say it), that would be my game plan. What are they going to do? Hit you back? They can't...your pregant!

Congrats and enjoy your little ones! You have room in your heart for both and you'll love each of them more for their differences!

[GoddessDanu]

Embrace it. That's all I can say. I'm sorry you're having such a tough time with it but honestly, you should just embrace it. Think of it like this, now your child will have a sibling!

[meghann]

I have no experience with this, but my cousin does. She was actually about 4 weeks pregnant when her older daughter was born. Her girls are exactly 8 months apart to the day.

I know she had a rough time with it at first. First of all, she wasn't sure it would "take" - she has a history of miscarriage. And then...she had a newborn at home. And she was terrified. I know she felt like she "should" be excited - and by the time her younger daughter was born she was already over-the-moon in love with her - but it took her a while to get there.

Something that I don't think she was prepared for was the comments. Not just the usual "I KNEW you'd get pregnant!" sort of thing - but after her younger daughter was born, someone actually asked her whether she was going to "put [her older daughter] back up for adoption." (I had to put that in quotes because that is exactly how it was said & I'm frankly disgusted having to type it.) She knew people would make stupid comments about "oh if you'd just relaxed" & all that, but she wasn't prepared for that one.

I wish you peace, and all the best in the coming months. I don't believe in "meant to be" but I do believe that we deal with whatever life gives us and that at the end of the day we look back & think we wouldn't have wanted it to be any different. I hope that is how this works for you.

[joanr]

I just wanted to send "hugs" your way. I can understand how you feel. I know I would feel the same way. I tried for years to have my first son and then hoped for another miracle to which God Blessed me with my Guatemalan miracle.

Even my sister-in-law with her 3rd was very unhappy about her surprise 3rd child. She said after he was born she fell so in love and could not imaging not having him.

Things will come together and you be an awesome parent.
Best wishes

[jalapeno]

Well, my pregnancy wasn't a surprise but I can identify with the "not feeling happy about it". I went through a whole range of emotions. For my first trimester I felt uneasy (like a low level dread). I assumed it was the hormones because there was really no reason I "should" have felt that. I felt guilty that my DD would someday wonder why we didn't choose adoption for the next child (of course then we were surprised with her bio brother anyway). I felt guilty that our bio son might someday wonder why pregnancy wasn't our first choice. I felt guilty that I didn't have as much energy to give to my first two babies. And guilty that I gave essentially no attention to my unborn child. There were some really tough months in there. But there were also times when I felt better. I hope you have some of those. It really will all work out for the best!!

Congratulations!!