[akcskye]

All I can say is ditto.

I've been pregnant 5 times, and each of the 5 times, I've miscarried.

The most recent miscarriage was about 3 months after the kids moved in.

Didn't even know I was pregnant (had to go to hospital for a dog bite), and then miscarried soon after, so I didn't have time to stew on it like you do.

I know I'd have felt the same thing, because when you've been pregnant that many times to no avail...it sure is hard to get excited.

For me, any news of a new pregnancy of mine is more like "oh great, next week, it'll be gone anyway...no sense in getting my hopes up".

I have PCOS, hormone problems and obesity from it, as well as uterine fibroid tumors...all diagnosed when I was just 23 and no telling how long I'd had the conditions...we suspect from about 19 cause that's when I packed on 80 lbs in 6 months.

Now, I don't ever get them checked up because I know that now that I have kids, the GYN will opt for hysterectomy (that's why they never did it before, I was *too young* to have the conditions and hysterectomy being I had no kids yet), and I just don't feel surgery is an option for me at this point because right now, they're not really causing me any problems.

(((HUGS)))

[kttopmom]

So tired of hearing people, including family, use the phrase "one of your own" I could cry and have. Like my first two kids have just been place holders for this baby. It's making it really hard to get excited about this pregnancy.

[cetalley]

LYNGAN, HOW ARE YOU FEELING, WE HAVEN'T HEARD FROM YOU. PLEASE KEEP US POSTED, BLESSINGS..C.J. KTTOPMOM, please post and tell us more. .....

[sheababy]

I hear you! DD is 18 months, I am 40 and DH is 46. I thought I was late a few months ago. I felt sick to my stomach. Not only did I know how I could possibly manage a pregancy, time off from work etc., I was certain I could not love another child (bio or not) as much as DD.

I've given it a lot of thought since then and have come to terms that if it happens unexpectedly, it is what's meant to be and I will just need to deal with it. Easier said than done, but you're feelings are not unusual.

[jalapeno]

Originally Posted by sheababy

I was certain I could not love another child (bio or not) as much as DD.

I went through this too. I think it's pretty common. And really, newborns aren't always that much fun. So it can easily takes months even after the baby's born to start feeling that special connection. It really is astonishing though how your heart, home, and time expand to include the next child. Each of my kids are so different from each other. So special and beautiful and amazing. Every child finds his/her place. It really does happen!

(((HUGS))) to everyone currently expecting (whether pregnant or not!!)

[rd200]

HI lyngan,
i totally understand your not being that excited about being pregnant. i myself just plain cant get pg, never miscarried, had our bio son when i was 18 and then after that we tryed for 4 years, we did 1 IVF, tryed a second one, my eggs are apparently too old. although i'm only 25!!! but anyways, now that we have moved on to adoption, i dont know what i would do if i were pg. i have just came to terms that i wont have anymore bio children and that is fine with me. i was sooooo sick of all the pitty parties and the "your trying too hard to get pg lectures" and now i try not to let the nasty,rude remarks bother me. I mean, i have also been told a million times that now that you are pursueing adoption, i will forsure get pg. i am kinda scared if i do because my agency will not allow us to adopt if i find out im pg unless we have a match and the birthmom is completely okay with it. i want a child more than anything and i dont think that people realize that adoption isnt second best, we chose that because we are able to love any child, not just "our own" we could've went on and on with infertility treatments, but i've just came to the reality that having a baby would just come from a different way. i didnt want more stretch marks and sore breasts anyways!!! LOL
I hope you are doing better and coming to terms with your pregnancy. Good luck with everything. Rach

[kttopmom]

That's what's frustrating. Some people do view adoption as second best. It becomes apparent in the insensitive comments they make. Giving birth and parenting do usually go hand in hand, but in reality have nothing to do with each other. Those who NEED that biological connection probably aren't the ones who are going to make the best parents.

[rd200]

I do agree that people ARE very insensitive. some just dont know any better and some say things out of just plain stupidity or just being mean. I would say that just because someone wants a biological child, not an adoptive child, doesnt mean they wouldnt be good parents, just that they have a different opinion. i think i know what you mean, good ADOPTIVE parents. but adoption just isnt for some people i guess. Thanks. Rach

[MissTaken0809]

Originally Posted by kttopmom

That's what's frustrating. Some people do view adoption as second best. It becomes apparent in the insensitive comments they make. Giving birth and parenting do usually go hand in hand, but in reality have nothing to do with each other. Those who NEED that biological connection probably aren't the ones who are going to make the best parents.

I am and adoptee and so is my mother-in-law. So I was quite shocked and upset when we told her our plans to adopt and she said "but it's not the same as having a baby of your own!" Not the same?!?! Yes, I'm skipping the whole pregnancy and labor scene but that child will still be mine. I will love him or her with everything I have and do anything I can for him. Just as if he had come from me.

[jules17]

Originally Posted by kttopmom

Those who NEED that biological connection probably aren't the ones who are going to make the best parents.

I have said the following to many similar questions from married friends...

"Do you love your DH?" answer: "Oh, YES"

"Well, do you share a biological connection with him?" (I sure hope not!)

To me, it helps explain the deep love you have without the bio connection. Otherwise, people have a hard time "getting it."

[kttopmom]

I'm not saying that just because someone needs a bio connection to parent means they can't be great parents- just that it's much less likely. Parenting has NOTHING to do with biology and so if your doing it to create a mini-me that's the wrong reason and your likely to be disappointed and frustrated.

[kttopmom]

My husband and I have adopted two wonderful children via foster care. We didn't get pregnant right away when we got married and I'm very impatient so we started fostering. Got pregnant...miscarried. Brought home our son several months later. We fell in love with him and finalized his adoption by the time he was 4 months old. Several years later we were ready for another and couldn't decided between adoption and trying to get pregnant. Got pregnant thinking it was the easier road (wouldldn't get as lucky as we did with our son) miscarried again. Several months later brought home our daughter hoping for adoption, but not knowing how it would turn out. 14 agonizing months later we were givin the go ahead with her adoption and finalized at 16 months. Great, our family is complete! Hold up...positive prgtest last Sept. Now what? Wait and see what happens. Evereything is going great. Getting used to the idea of three, but worried about my kids never feeling second best.

[rd200]

Originally Posted by kttopmom

My husband and I have adopted two wonderful children via foster care. We didn't get pregnant right away when we got married and I'm very impatient so we started fostering. Got pregnant...miscarried. Brought home our son several months later. We fell in love with him and finalized his adoption by the time he was 4 months old. Several years later we were ready for another and couldn't decided between adoption and trying to get pregnant. Got pregnant thinking it was the easier road (wouldldn't get as lucky as we did with our son) miscarried again. Several months later brought home our daughter hoping for adoption, but not knowing how it would turn out. 14 agonizing months later we were givin the go ahead with her adoption and finalized at 16 months. Great, our family is complete! Hold up...positive prgtest last Sept. Now what? Wait and see what happens. Evereything is going great. Getting used to the idea of three, but worried about my kids never feeling second best.

Wow, i'm sorry for your losses with your mc's. Are you excited for this pregnancy or scared? I hope that things go well with this one and that you carry through. I"m sure you children will be just fine with your next child. the important thing is, is that you have 3 wonderful children, yours all yours. Good luck with everything. Rach

[kttopmom]

Very nervous as far as the pregnancy is concerned, but I'm 19 weeks now and my other MC were very early on Scared about having 3 kids, we were content with our 2. Also excited about a newborn.We LOVE the baby stage -that first year is so much fun.

[lyngan]

Hi All,
I just wanted to add on to my last e-mail about 2 months ago. All that I can say to anyone who finds themselves in the same "boat" and feels guilty for getting pg. Please, don't spend any energy feeling negative or that you have done something wrong.
I spent the first month (which would have been weeks 4-8 of pregnancy once I found out) feeling terrible and guilty that I had done something wrong and betrayed my son, who just happens to be adopted. I was also quite in shock, at the age of 38 I all-of-a-sudden had a "good" egg. Then I started to think of him as an older brother, and what a great gift I was giving to him... Needless to say, in my 4th month of pg, I lost that 2nd gift of my life.
After spending all that time like I did something wrong, I now know that I didn't and that although it may have been tough, family is family, no matter where it comes from. I just couldn't bear the thought of telling one he was adopted and the other, a suprise.
Now I just feel awful that I thought of these things first, not the love they would have from each other. Although it didn't work out for me, I just want others to know that if they are feeling like I did initially, it's okay. Just don't spend too much time thinking about the hard stuff that may come in the future, just go hug those children you have and welcome all the experiences that may come in the future. Thanks to you all who replied to me and did make me feel better. I only hope that maybe sometime I can do the same.