[Crissy011]

I just wanted to thank everyone who told me that it was okay to feel overwhelmed & to miss things the "way they were" before the placement took place. Really, I think that I just needed to hear that feeling this way at times doesn't necessarily mean that I'm not cut out for this. My husband & I are not ready to give up just yet. We are going to keep trying each day. Today, I'm feeling positive about things. Tomorrow - who knows! I just have to take it day by day. Also, I have to say to all those who critized me, I do not expect this child to be perfect. I did not say to him "You need to follow the rules or you're leaving." What I posted was that he was aware that in order to live in our house, rules need to be followed. However, it was said to him as "these are the family rules that we all follow & you are part of our family & are expected to follow them." No one asked how it was explained to him & many attacked me for threatening him with being "kicked out" which was not the case at all. Anyway, thank you to the wonderful people that actually tried to help. Because of you, I will continue to come here for support & advice. To the people that were negative and tried to make me feel like I was some sort of evil person, I can't imagine that you are perfect. Adoption/Fostering is not easy & I think that if you can't be supportive, perhaps you shouldn't say anything at all. I'm all for honesty, but it is possible to be honest without putting someone down and trying to make them feel bad.

[mumofone]

Good for you. It isn't easy adopting an older child...it just isn't.

When you deal with attachment issues, especially when there are other children in the home, it can cause a great deal of friction...we've been there.

I remember someone posting on here one time "Fake it until you can make it". Those are words to live by. It is extremely difficult to bond with someone who might be seeking attention by being all sweet and sugar and screaming to the top of their lungs at other times.

Members of our own families didn't understand. In fact, one person in particular, plays right into our child's hands and all that does is sabotage everything we have been working towards.

We are in this almost 2 years...it does get better with lots of consistency and hard work.

Good luck, and you shouldn't feel guilty.

[tweetybirdus]

I am so glad that you decided to stick it out.

I still think you should seek an attachment therapist's help.

You are entitled to your feelings no matter what they are. So, don't feel guilty about that. You can here for support and deserve it.

I hope everything works out well for you and your family. I think your son just needs to learn to trust you and gain your trust in return.

[MilehighDad]

Since Crissy's first thread is still being argued over, I wanted to bring this one back to the top. Crissy, I hope you have not felt that I was one of the ones criticizing you, if so I am really sorry. My intention was to offer understanding that it is really difficult, help for things you may not have done yet, and hope that your son and your family can heal and be happy in the future. I think you have made it clear that you want advice and help and so I am trying.

I know that you have posted that you have since decided to disrupt but that your son is still in your home. Under these circumstances I would still encourage you to try everything you can. It is not your fault for feeling angry, depressed or overwhelmed. A traumatized child will bring you all of these unwelcome gifts and it is really, really hard to carry them. If you decide that you don't want to deal with these troubles and disrupt, I understand and offer my condolences. If you have any strength left, I encourage you to muster it , find any support you can, and keep going.

My suggestions about addressing yourself first are not critical or mean that you are a bad person. Traumatized kids can defeat good, normal parents unless those parents learn new strategies and nurture their own emotional well-being.

Adoptive Today magazine has a good article this month titled "Adoption from the Inside Out" that addresses parents working on themselves first and is worth the $12 online annual subscription all by itself. One quote from this article is "As challenges and issues with a child arise it is all too easy for parents to assume that the problem, and therefore the solution, lies completely with the child. However, this assumption can often mask the true reality and serve to only further prolong the pain and frustration"

So, again to the general group and anyone struggling, Adoption Today and Fostering Families are both great resources for helping to understand your kids. Adoption Today is aimed at international and transracial adoption and Fostering Families is aimed at foster care and foster care adoption. We read both because we have found helpful articles in both. Adoptive Families is another great magazine aimed at all adoption generally, but helpful articles for traumatized kids are more rare there.

[EZ2Luv]

Chrissy,
I am so glad you updated and with such great news. I am also very happy that you have decided to continue posting here despite any negative or hurtful comments you may have recieved.

I have been praying for you and your family. As I said before, there are women here that have gone before you and offer a wealth of experience, strength, hope and advice without being judgemental because they have been there and know how difficult this journey can be. They also know of the joy in the end result. Those are the ones to listen to and they surely out number the ones that sit on the sidelines and pass judgement.

EZ.

[Crissy011]

After going back & forth & back & forth, a new outlook has made us decide that we are not disrupting at this time. I don't know if that will make some of you upset because apparently some feel that I am not doing anything positive for this child. As the case worker recently told us, even if this doesn't turn into "forever," we are helping this child. He has never been in a functional & loving two parent home before & at the very least we are laying the groundwork for him to believe & trust in that. Yes, I did ask for advice. Honestly, looking back on how I was feeling when I originally posted, I think I just wanted to hear, its okay & normal to feel the way you are feeling (feeling overwhelmed...missing my old life, etc. etc). Once I heard that, I felt SOO much better & have a much more positive outlook on things. A lot of wonderful people actually PM'ed me with support because they were afraid of the responses they might get if they posted in the forum. That, to me, is just sad. People shouldn't be "afraid" to post on here because for fear of nasty/judgmental comments from members. I have decided to post on the special needs/attachment board because it seems that there is less judgement because they have a better understanding of what our family is going through. Thanks again to all the people who helped!