[JeffInGA]

Hello - I am 41 and married have been married to my wife for 7 years, she is 38. We have two boys. One is 5 and the other just turned 7 this week. We have a happy and healthy family.

Over the summer my father in law stopped by one day with a friend of his and his friend's grandson. His grandson was only a few weeks older than our 4 year old and a very sweet child. We came to learn that the grandfather was taking care of the child because his daughter has some serious issues with the law and drugs.

Tonight we got a call from this man and he basically asked us if we would be willing to take the child in as he has medical problems and the court was going to take the child and put him into foster care. Someone from the court asked him if he knew of anyone who would be willing to take the child and if he did to give them the phone number of this person tomorrow at court. I believe he tried other avenues - remaining family and such - and then turned to us. We of course said that he could give our number to the court official and have them contact us.

We are somewhat in shock tonight about this and really have no idea what to expect as far as the outcome of this - so I am coming here asking for opinions, tips, experiences -- anything to help us understand what the procedure for this will be like and how we can better prepare ourselves for the days ahead.

Please feel free to ask any questions - or questions I should ask.

One last note - the grandfather - who is not someone we really know did mention that the birth mother would not know who we were or where we lived as he feared she would attempt to take him.

Help?

[jalapeno]

Wow! What a phone call! I don't have any advice to give but want to send my best wishes for you, your family, and that little boy. I hope all goes smoothly!

Although our stories are quite different, DH and I also have three children rather than two because of a completely unexpected phone call. And now I just can't imagine my life any other way.

[startedover]

I would make sure you and your wife are on the same page. We "unexpectantly" adopted a newborn and it was the happiest time for our whole family, but know that at some point you may long for your "old" life. You more than likely will question your decision. No matter how perfect a situation it turns out to be, it is normal that somewhere down the line there will be doubts especially if you haven't spent alot of time researching adoption. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't do it, it just means to prepare for everything. Good luck and keep us posted.

[JeffInGA]

Thanks jalapeno - right now after the initial shock has worn off (a little) the question in my mind is this...

Is it this easy? Will the state just let us have this child? We were not looking into adoption or foster care before this so we really have no idea what is involved.

Oh - and one more monkey wrench...my wife is a SAHM and I got laid off in September. Hopefully we will have some more answers tomorrow after the woman from the court/state calls.

[jalapeno]

Oh gosh. I wouldn't plan on it being easy.

You'll need to do a home study in order to become licensed foster parents. I don't know anything about the system in Georgia. My state will do emergency certifications in order to place children with relatives (sometimes they can be approved in a matter of hours). I don't know if that would be possible in your situation but I would definitely ask. Since you are a non-relative, I'm sure they'll want you to do a full home study in any case. In my state that takes six months or so and involves interviews, questionaires, home inspection, physicals, fingerprints/background check, taking classes, etc.

If the boy's mother voluntarily signs a TPR, that will speed things up. Otherwise it will take months (like 6 to 12 maybe) of court hearings before he will be open for adoption. Our daughter's case took 17 months to go through the TPR and then finalize the adoption and that's pretty typical in my state when there has to be an involuntary TPR (terminate parental rights).

If the state has taken custody of this child then the state is in charge - his grandfather really has no official say. I would expect the state to make an effort to reunify this child with his mother. I would make every effort to have the boy placed with you as soon as possible. If he ends up in another foster home for a significant length of time, I would worry that the state would allow them to adopt.

No doubt you will know a great deal more after talking with the case worker. My one bit of advice is to take the initiative as you go through the process. If you don't hear from a case worker by Thursday, see if you can get their number and make the call yourself. And keep calling (the case worker, the lawyer, your licensing worker, everybody who's involved) on a regular basis. Keep asking what you can do to get this boy. Make sure EVERYBODY knows that you want him.

I hope this doesn't sound too daunting. It can be a very stressful process. But so worth it if you are truly meant to be this boy's family.

Best of luck again. Please do keep us all updated!

[JeffInGA]

Okay - have a little more info now.

The mother still has custody, the grandparents have guardianship and the mother can have supervised visitation but apparently chooses not to. At court today the judge gave her one more month to prove she can care for the child - the grandparents dont think there is much chance of that. At the next court date (Dec.22) assuming she hasnt convinced the court that she has her act together the judge is going to award temporary custody to someone.

The grandparents are not interested in "starting over" and they do not want custody so I guess it will either be the state or us? Still waiting for DFAC to call us. I guess the good news is this extra month gives DFAC a chance to do background checks and what not on us.

Will me not having a job at the moment be a big deal? I have a stable work history and we are comfortable financially - and it is only a matter of time before I get a new job right?

[jalapeno]

Any updates???

[JeffInGA]

Not much to update I am afraid - we spoke to the woman from the court and she said she would be following up with the boy's family members this month and she seemed to think that someone from that list would step up at the last minute (the last minute being the court date on the 22nd) and offer to take the child in.

The grandparents don't think anyone will. So we are hearing two very different stories and are not being given much direction on what we should be doing, if anything, so we are just sitting tight until we hear more.

[lovemy2boys]

Well, please keep us updated!

[joskids]

I've known of situations like this more than once. Seems like family steps back quite often, not wanting the responsibility, until the last moment when it looks like the child will go into foster care. You really won't know what will happen in this situation. You'll need to keep your doors open and be ready to be hurt if it doesn't work out. If you're willing to take that chance, then you may be blessed with another child.

On the other side of things, you will want to consider how much security this child has experienced in 4 years. Was he with his mother who may have been using drugs, hanging out in less-than-ideal places with precarious individuals? That will impact the child, his ability to bond, to trust, to follow rules, etc. Expect that he will not act like your other two children and there will be rocky times. YOu will want to be certain that you obtain as much information about this child's history as you can. You should be certain that you get a Medicaid card ASAP in case of any needs that he has and, if the family is on WIC, you can have it transferred to your name also, for this child.

Best wishes.

[JeffInGA]

Okay been a couple weeks of silence since the last phone call with the DFAC's worker. She had really given us the impression that there was a "list" of relatives that might step up and take the child - she called back today and it turned out to only be a list of one and they said no (he is disabled and she works nights).

So now the DFAC's woman asks if we are still interested in taking the child and I say of course we are - she runs thru a list of things that we need to do before we are to appear in court on the 22nd where we might be taking the child home with us.

As the foggy details become clear it seems we would neither be adopting him nor be foster parents - but would be given "guardianship" of him for "1 or 2 years" at which time I assume they would re-evaluate the competency of the mother. She would still have custody and presumably may still be entitled to visitation.

Nothing ideal about the situation for anyone involved including us since the prospect of taking a child in for a couple years and loving him and having him become part of our family only then to be removed out of the blue by court order doesn't sit well with us but it is out of our control I guess?

Not sure what I am asking for in this thread? Advice? Reassurance that we are doing the right thing? Questions we should be asking?

Thanks!

[jalapeno]

Well, I really wish you the best with this Jeff. I would recommend posting over the foster parent forum as well. I don't know if anyone there is currently involved in a guardianship situation. But certainly there are many families who have had long-time foster placements that ultimately went home. I've been through a loss like that and am still far too hurt and bitter to give fair advice. But it certainly sounds like that boy is in need of a loving home. All my best to you and your family . . .

[startedover]

I so wish there was a magical answer at this moment, but I am a firm believer that your answer will come in LOUD and CLEAR at some point. I remember in your first post you made the statement "is it really this easy?" I had the same reaction when we adopted our dd five days after hearing she would be born in 5 days. Were totally unprepared for adoption and a newborn again. There were tears of joys, tears of anxiety and thears of fears, but thankfully there was that moment when God let me know exactly what I was to do. I will add, that had her birthparents had a year or two to come back into her life and leave us empty handed, I feel God would have had to spray paint it in the clouds for me to be at ease with it.

[joskids]

Awww, Jeff, what a difficult situation for your family to be in. We were involved in a contested adoption and I had friends on the "failed and contested" of this forum which really helped. Some had "guardianship" for years and still fear for losing a child. I think it's a real shame that any court would give the mother of this child a full one or two MORE years to screw up his life and his sense of self-esteem and self-worth. I wish you and your family the best in your decision.

[JeffInGA]

Thanks for the replies - I guess this is just going to be a situation where we dont get full disclosure and we dont get all our questions answered and at some point just need to go on faith.

Startedover - you are correct to be a firm believer that the answer will come LOUD and CLEAR. It already has. We know that for what ever reason it appears no one in this child's family wants to take care of him - and God has placed him on our doorstep. This isnt something we searched out, he brought this to us and so we dont really feel there is a decision to be made...the answer was always yes.

Part of me just wishes that we had more control over the situation in the courts and the decisions that will be made that will greatly affect our family - but for now I guess we have faith that He is in control, do the stuff on the checklist and show up at court on the 22nd and see what happens.