[SimplyE]

Hi. I have been visiting here for a bit, but just registered today and look forward to meeting you.

My DH and I have been married for 9 years, together 5 years before. We have both been happy with our relationship together. We have had discussions about children, but felt like we were not ready at those points in our life. Lately, the conversations have turned a bit. We have always seemed to be ready at different times, but now, we have come to a point that we might be ready at the same time. A couple of problems, though.

He just turned 45. I will be 37 in January and I have MS. My MS is in complete control, and I feel better than I have in years. Because of my age and MS, I feel pregnancy would be not in my/our best interest to pursue this option. My DH understands this completely and does not want anything to jeoparodize my health.

He is very uncertain about adoption and feels like he does not feel like he can love a child not our own. He is GREAT with children and when he gets around them, it is amazing the way he can interact. I think that if we did pursue this route, he would be the most amazing father. I just need to let him figure this out somehow. This discussion has just been opened, and he has just let his feelings be known. I don't want to push him, but we now are beginning to be on the same page at the same time about a child.

We both really like the idea of an older child, 6-7ish, and probably adopted internationally. We had an instance this summer of meeting and getting to know an internationally adopted child and were both infatuated by her, as well as her sister, who is biological to the parents. We have so much love and security that we could give, but how do I get him to realize that he really would and could love a child not produced by us?

Sorry, so long, but I wanted to give you a good understanding of where we are coming from...I hope! I look forward to being a part of this community. Thanks!

SE

[meghann]

I think you'll find, the more you talk to people, that it's not uncommon for one spouse to be hesitant, for any of a number of reasons. My husband was also concerned with biology - not for exactly the same reason as yours but because of some issues in his upbringing that made a biological connection seem very, very important to him. It took him a while to work through those issues, and he is now so excited about adopting - I think he's more excited about it than I am, sometimes.

Have you started researching agencies yet? One thing that helped my husband was going to the informational session at our agency, before we signed up. At those sessions you get to meet other families considering adoption & also families that have recently adopted. It makes it more "real", somehow. My husband also talked to a lot of people - we have a number of acquaintances on all sides of the triad who were very happy to talk to him about their experiences.

We also went through a series of pre-adoptive classes required by our agency, and that helped my husband a lot as well. But at the end of the day, what happened was that he took a look at why he was so hesitant, and really examined it & turned it around in his head, and he realized that - much like you're saying about your husband - he has a lot of love in his heart & he's going to be a great dad, and that at the end of the day, biology is not the most important thing in making a family.

It just sort of *happened* - but it happened because he was willing to be introspective & I was willing to be patient while he worked all of it out. There really isn't anything specific you can say or do to make that happen - just ask him to be willing to take a look inside himself & figure out why he feels this way & whether he thinks the issues he has can be overcome. It's not a guarantee that he'll come around in the end, but at least you'll know that his feelings about it have been examined & you both can proceed honestly from there.

I'm not sure how much help this is to you, but that's how it worked out for us (so far...we're still waiting, so it hasn't *all* worked out yet). I hope it works out as well for you.

[sbaglio]

I had never been concerned about having a biological connection to our child, but my spouse felt (before we adopted our DD) that having that connection was important. For many reasons, we chose to adopt rather than go through surrogacy. Our DD is 9 months old now, and we love her with every ounce of our being. He cannot believe that he ever thought that he could not love a child who was not biologically related to him. People often change once they hold and begin raising and loving the baby (though I'm sure some do not). Just our experience...

[loveajax]

my dh was adopted (closed adoption) and so he had always "hoped" to have a bio child and have some kind of bio link in this world. unfortunately, it didn't happen....fast forward and our DD is three and a half and the absolute love of his life (he is now "grateful" for our infertility because otherwise we would not be our parents).

grieving the loss of a bio connection is OK....just make sure you are on the same page (it took DH a while to get there!). hang in there and good luck!

[mumofone]

It is not uncommon for one spouse to be hesitant.

In our case, it was an easier decision. My DH was adopted, so there was never any uneasiness. I don't need a biological connection to my child. I will say, I wish that I had experienced a pregnancy, but not for the bio connection, but rather to feel the kicks, etc.

I would suggest calling a few agencies and see if they have an info. session where you can both attend. It might help your DH feel more comfortable. Also, it's nice to talk to people who have "been there, done that".

We do panel presentations for our agency, and we love doing them. The prospective adoptive couples are able to have many questions answered.

Good luck.

[GoddessDanu]

DH was all on board until after the pre-adoption classes. Then he freaked out. I think the realization that we were actually going to do adopt a foster kid is what did it. After hearing about all the reasons kids are in foster care and all the horror stories of things being done to them and all the damage it can cause, he just didn't think he was qualified to care for a foster kid. After days of discussing it I finally took his hand and told him to trust me. I told him I wanted him to share in this journey with me and that he had to trust me that he would be a good father. That worked like a charm. He's fully on board again and I'm really happy that he shared those fears with me. I think you just have to make sure your DH feels heard and that you validate his feelings about the whole thing. Good luck!

[Gwen72]

It took me almost 5 years to convince my DH to consider adoption. He really wanted to hold out for a biological child and he had seen too many Lifetime Movies about adoption. I had to show him exhaustive research that dispelled a lot of myths he believed. He also had to grieve and finally accept that we would not have biological children. He is 47 and I am 36. I wish you and your DH the best of luck!

[brooklyn_girl]

I agree with everyone else about going to an information session. Also if you know anyone with an adopted child that you can visit with that might help too. I taped an Adoption Story TV shows and DH watched some with me which got him excited. I know it's not an original thing to say, but the first time I heard "your husband isn't related to you by blood and you love him to pieces right? Same thing with adopted kids". That idea was so simple and made me get over my grief over not having bio kids.
Good luck!

[kittymom]

I've known since I was a teenager that conceiving a child wouldn't be easy for me, so I've had a long time to get used to the possibility of adoption. My DH, on the other hand, had never considered it at all. When we began trying to get pregnant and it wasn't happening, and every month I'd get depressed over it, I started bringing up adoption. It's weird now to even think of DH's reactions then. He was freaked out by adoption in general and freaked out by transracial adoption in particular. He wanted a baby that was his blood and looked like us.

Pretty much, how I changed his mind was just talking to him about it like it was going to happen. I painted him a picture of our life with little Miguel Arturo (that's the stand-in name I invented for our Guatemalan baby ... I was hoping to adopt internationally at the time). I'd bring him up at dinner. "Hey, what if Miguel Arturo was here now? We'd have to get one of those high chair things." I'd bring up adoption, too. "Hey, did you know in Guatemala the babies are in foster homes?"

And so on. Until one day, it just stopped seeming weird to him. It started seeming not just possible but exciting.

When we finally decided this summer to pursue adoption, he was as gung-ho as me. He's so excited about it now that it's hard to believe he was so against it at first. He's just ready to be a dad now. I encouraged him along the way, but really it just had to happen in his own time.

[SimplyE]

Thank you for all of your information and support. I didn't know if I should start researching agencies, try to find some type of information session, etc. I don't want to push, but don't know what steps to take next. We live in somewhat of a rural area, which makes it hard to find any type of information locally.

We have talked about going with international adoption and both of us find this to be they way we would want to go, if we did. Brooklyn_Girl, I also have thought of what you said about not being blood with my DH and loving him to pieces. Thanks all for giving me some reallly great insite on your experiences.

I have looked at a couple of agencies at a glance, but would love to have anyone PM me on their experiences with agencies doing international adoption.

Thanks again!
SE

[Fran27]

I wanted to say though... adopting an older child is a whole different thing than adopting a baby. Babies are much easier to attach to, while most older children have gone through a lot and often come with attachment issues. So there's more to just whether you think you can look beyond the genetic link... you have to realize that you might have a child that won't attach to you easily, be defiant, lie etc (which is really normal when you see what lots of them have gone through).

I'd strongly suggest researching attachment issues before going forward with an older child adoption, so you have a better idea of what to expect.

[SimplyE]

Thanks Fran. We had thought of that, too, and realize there is a lot more to adopting an older child than an infant with attachment disorders. This is definitely the beginning of our process, with a lot of research to be had in all directions. Thanks for bringing this up.

[KarynB]

Hello,

Just wanted to add two things here:

Fran was bang on with what she said - not only might the child have attachment issues, but one thing that is rarely talked about is that it is (sometimes) also much harder for the parent to bond to the child. Some believe we are hard-wired to attach to the "neediness" of babies, and when an older child doesn't "need" you in the same way, it can be a challenge. We adopted a three year old, and since then an infant, and I know from much experience that my attachment to my (now 9 year old) is much more of a challenge and an ongoing "area of focus". It can be very hard to feel close to someone who lies and steals from you, and who throws your life in turmoil! That being said, there are so many rewards and I love him unconditionally - but it is different.

Also - you may want to look into adoption conferences and not just agency info sessions. Conferences will often have specific sessions on older child adoption, and even sessions "just for men" where they can openly talk about concerns, etc. We went to one and it was great - it was very helpful for my DH to talk to/listen to other guys who had common concerns, etc.

Good luck!
Karyn