[Rubi]

How freely do you tell people that your children has been adopted? Like, when you make a new friend? Because in the beginning of the friendship/relationship you don't know how it's going to turn out, so later the other person just asume that your child is your bio child. I feel very guilty towards my one friend, because she saw us going through our second adoption, but still don't know that my oldest son is also adopted....I just never had that feeling that this is now the time to tell her, because then I need to explain why I didn't tell her from the start, exct....And in the meanwhile I also made new friends....I mean, it's not as if you just one day say, 'listen, my son A has been adopted'? What difference does it really make to our friendship anyway.....But now some older friends does know he was adopted and I wonder how the new friends will feel if they hear that I haven't been totaly honest? And also....I didn't mention his adoption to his new school principal or teacher, because I often see that people do lable adopted children, like when they develope the slightest learning /behavior problem then IT MUST BE BECAUSE HE WAS ADOPTED! I want them to get to know him for who he is first....Do't get me wrong....We are open about the adoption in our home and family, but I do worry that maybe because of people not knowing, my son might be put in difficult situations....

[Fran27]

I tell people just to avoid those issues honestly... I feel like I'm lying if I don't mention from the start that they are adopted, like I'm ashamed of it or something.

[Rubi]

Yes, I agree.....That's what I'm worried about, I don't want it to look like I am ashamed! But, somehow I feel it's my boys story to tell.....When he is bigger he can choose who he would like to know?

What gets to me is like with this friend of mine who went through the second adoption...: I was in the other room changing my babies nappy and when I came back she was bussy telling the whole crowd of my babies adoption and they were discussing how he doesn't look like me exct. When I came in I felt like I had to protect him in some way...I know this sounds irrational, but then, this is just how I felt.

[MamaS]

I told from the first. I did not think that "adoption" was a story to tell. They were adopted. That is a fact of life. As to the details -- "What happened to their real parents? How much did it cost? Can't you have children of your own? etc." -- that is part of our story and not to be shared with others unless we choose.

[kretzklan]

We don't talk about their adoption story to new friends/acquaintances - unless it comes up in some specific way. This was our children's choice. They simply don't want to always be known as the "adopted kids" or the "kids from Russia". I don't feel guilty if people find out later and wonder why I didn't tell them. Do I feel lied to if they had a C-section and I didn't know? The details of a child and how they came into a family are not a banner I feel I must wave every day. We don't hide it and if my kids want to tell someone or if someone says something that needs an answer that includes adoption - then I go for it, but otherwise - it is their story to tell.

[JPDakota]

We are a multi-racial family, so for us it is pretty obvious. I guess I'm not sure how I feel about when (or if) to tell people if it weren't obvious. I think my parents' friends pretty much knew I was adopted. It was completely not a secret in the world I grew up in.
Tough question, really.

[Stormster]

For me it's been a process. I found that for a long time I felt this responsibility to tell every single person we met. Then I started feeling icky doing that, kind of desperate like I needed other people's approval which fed into my whole entitlement issue about being a mom.

So for my own "sanity" (for lack of a better word) I always ask myself in a given situation WHY I'm talking about it. If the answer comes back "to get this person's approval" i don't mention it the and there.

If the answer is that it makes sense in the context of a given situation or I really feel it would be relevant to a given relationship, I tell.

I think for me in a relationship with a friend who helped me through something as personal as a subsequent adoption, I'd feel it was relevant. However I fully support our right to share or withhold info at our own discretion. I'm all for boundaries!

[Leigh131313]

When M was younger (a baby) I definitly told people more. I think because when they are babies - it actually comes up! Other mom's will ask rather personal questions about labor/delivery yada yada yada. And not to mention, anyone who KNOWS you already knows you weren't pregnant last week when they saw you!!

Now I only tell people when it comes up. For instance a good friend of mine (we've met through preschool) was over and commented on how M looks like a combo of Dh and myself. I just said really? He's adopted - that's funny!

So I don't lie - but I don't feel "the need" to tell.

Your friend very well might assume your first child is adopted as well if she sees you going through the process. I wouldn't worry about it.

It's not about "hiding" it's just not something that needs to be announced all the time, ya know?

I think once you are done with adding to your family - the amount you tell people will decrease.

I certainly don't bring it up to any of M's new friends parents - but I'm sure we'll get questions when we bring home our second child - and that's fine. I don't feel guilty about not telling, if they asked I would be honest.

[loveajax]

I am like leigh...dd is three and it just doesn't come up often anymore....people always comment how much dd looks like me (she is biracial and I am white). I just say thanks or whatever...obviously all our friends (even casual ones) know.dh is an adoptee and he does believe it's something for an adoptee to share if and when she or he wants....some people do act like it is odd or make a ''big deal'' of it even in this day and age...

[startedover]

Being from a small community It was obvious we adopted. Now being out in public, I tell anyone that makes a comment about how cute she is because I am always like "YES I KNOW, isn't she" then they tend to look at me like I'm bragging , so I usually follow up with "I had nothing to do with her appearence " I am very proud of the fact that she is adopted . I am proud that she was the missing link to my family. I also feel that with a 19 year old daughter, some people think she is the mom, and I want to Clarify that.

[Stormster]

I have def. been guilty of saying "isn't he?" when people remark how cute he is. Once in a while I follow it up with the fact that I had nothing to do with it....but lately I kind of just let it lie and let people think i'm a show off

[jules17]

We are also a multiracial family and our sons are 5 months apart, so for the most part, I guess it's pretty obvious.

If it wasn't obvious, hmmmm...I think I would probably be pretty guarded unless the situation was a warm and open one, in which I felt comfortable. And not for one second because I am not proud of my sons' adoptions, because we are so proud! Sometimes I just want to go to the grocery store in peace though.

More like I wouldn't share if I had a V-birth or a C-section kind of a thing. We have built our family through the miracle of adoption, but I don't feel the need to share that with everyone.

I don't think there is a right or wrong answer, everyone feels differently...

P.S. I just went back and read how people answer when they get comments on cuteness. We get that a lot and I always just smile and say, "Thank you...they are just as sweet" or something like that. We also get "Wow - you have your hands full!" a lot and I just smile and say, "You should see my heart."

[loveajax]

that is funny, storm....i think if I had a bio kid and someone said how beautiful she was, I think I would still just say ''thanks!!'' my mother always yammers on about how gorgeous dd is, break out her pix, etc. she usually says ''i'm not bragging, she's adopted!'' and it irks me (not how proud she is, just the ''disclaimer''!)

[EZ2Luv]

I think it is common for aparents to want to share this with people as they are so happy and proud of their children. However, from an adoptees prespective, it really is no one's business. This is the adoptee's story to tell. My wonderful adad was so proud of my abrother and I that he proudly told freinds and workers that we were adopted. As soon as we were old enough to realize this and we witnessed it, we let him lnow that this was something we were not at all happy about. He never did it again.
Maybe when the babies are infants it is Ok to tell close friends and family, but do you have any idea how akward a kid feels to be labeled as "different"? Adoptees come with enough various issues through out life why would any parent want to make a point of sharing something so private?
Please read the adoptee forums and you will see how many adoptees grew up feeling different.
Again, I realize that aparents want to shout it from the rooftops because they are so overjoyed about finally having their children, but seriously unless you are an adoptee, you have no idea what it feels like.
We just want to be your children, your sons and your daughters, not your adopted son or your adopted daughter. We would never tell our friends "This is my adopted mother or this is my adopted father".

EZ

[dpen6]

I agree with EZ, my dad use to do the same thing and it reallly didn't bother me much UNTIL the comments started. I would have strangers pointedly telling me how lucky i was and how wonderful your parents are for taking you in..these are strangers. Granted at the time I didnt realize how demeaning that is for a litle child to hear. Had a second grade teacher who made it point to highlight my status .at 7 y.o. I didn't understand that it was not right for her to do that just felt the kinda of uncomfortable feeling that made me different from everyone else. I never did tell him tho' never thought I could tell him! Oh Well, I know he didn't mean any harm but was mis guided.

I don't think its something you need to hide if it comes up in the context of the conversation but neither are you being dishonest by not mentioning it. It is no one business but your daughters.

I think you just need to get more comfortable with the fact that she is your daughter without any qualifiers, who just happens to be adopted.