[jp4ga]

We have not really had this issue come up yet. Guess we don't get out much. Everyone at work, in my graduate classes, church and family already know. I don't feel the need to tell people who I just meet since I don't know if we will see them again.

As for telling details to those who know, we have not. Our adoption has been a rocky one with the bmom contesting the adoption, being charged with scamming during this pregnancy and previous pregnancies, and then loosing her other children to DFACS due to abuse.

We pretend that all is going smooth. People did not even know about our court date in October, where it was determined we would keep the baby and finalize in Jan. We felt so alone going through this. We did not tell anyone because these people will know us for a long time, and I do not want the story of our daughters first few months to ever be told to her, unless it is told by her bmom. We dodge questions about her bmom since our feelings are so raw right now. We must always keep our daughters best interest in mind. our adoption story does not put her bmom in a good light. Our hope is that she will get her life together and that we can have happy stories to tell in the future when she is older and more mature.

So in our case we want people to MYOB, we feel this is in the best interest of our daughter.

[devildogwife]

We're another multi-racial family, so it's pretty obvious with us. I've also had to tell every dr/specialist that my son comes in contact with as he has very serious medical issues. If the person isn't in healthcare and doesn't need to know, I don't usually offer it up. I only share when it's necessary.

[dpen6]

Originally Posted by jp4ga

We have not really had this issue come up yet. Guess we don't get out much. Everyone at work, in my graduate classes, church and family already know. I don't feel the need to tell people who I just meet since I don't know if we will see them again.

As for telling details to those who know, we have not. Our adoption has been a rocky one with the bmom contesting the adoption, being charged with scamming during this pregnancy and previous pregnancies, and then loosing her other children to DFACS due to abuse.

We pretend that all is going smooth. People did not even know about our court date in October, where it was determined we would keep the baby and finalize in Jan. We felt so alone going through this. We did not tell anyone because these people will know us for a long time, and I do not want the story of our daughters first few months to ever be told to her, unless it is told by her bmom. We dodge questions about her bmom since our feelings are so raw right now. We must always keep our daughters best interest in mind. our adoption story does not put her bmom in a good light. Our hope is that she will get her life together and that we can have happy stories to tell in the future when she is older and more mature.

So in our case we want people to MYOB, we feel this is in the best interest of our daughter.

I am sorry you have gone through so much.

I totally agree with how you are handling things. In that kind of a situation there are peole out there that if they know the story will look at you daughter as she grows and wonder if she is the same as her bmom..its a reality and it does happen.

[buttascotchbaby]

I wonder (and I am a bit of a Pollyanna, so I apologize if I am looking at it in too simplistic of a way), as I read the posts by EZ and dpen6, if things might be changing? My kids (the adopted ones) are 12 and 7 and have been part of our family for 3 years and I truly don't think they mind that people know they are adopted. Again, this is just my experience and it also may very well be that because they came into our family via the foster care system so a lot of our friends, teachers and kids at school, etc., knew that, leading up to the adoption and so it was not a surprise and there has been 3 years for everyone to be kinda blase about it.

When I tell strangers that I have 2 12 y.o. sons and get "Oh, you have twins" and I just say "No, one of them is adopted" and leave it at that. I really don't think that my adopted kids feel any different than my bio son or any stigma that they are adopted. And we have all been in therapy since day one so I think (and hope!) that it would have come out if they did! We talk a lot and the kids are very aware of their story; how I saw a news story on TV about their bio mom being missing (I had baby sat them a few months before for a month or so), how I called CPS and badgered them into placing the kids with me (NOW!) and how I have fought over the past three years to keep them and have them be part of our permanent family. I think that they know how much we wanted them to be part of our family. We have celebrated each year the anniversary of them being placed with us and had a big party when we finalized. They know that they were/are wanted, loved and just as much a part of the family as anyone else.

So, I may not volunteer the information that they are adopted right when I meet someone, but if it comes up I have no problem sharing. I know that it is the kids' story and not so much mine, but I am also confident that they are OK with people knowing.

So sorry to go on and on, but I think (I just realized this now as I was typing) that a lot of the acceptance may be because of where we live. In Hawai'i extended family and the whole Polynesian concept of family is very different than some other places. People referred to my kids as "your son and daughter" and when speaking to the kids, me as "your mom" very early on and it was NEVER "your foster mom" or "your foster son/daughter". Our position is a little different too as my kids are older than many of the PP who have adopted infants, and younger than the adult adoptees so I thought it was a good idea to put it out there!

[linda512]

We are a multi-racial family, so I always thought it would be obvious (when I starting my adoption from Guatemala), but my son is VERY fair (light brown hair and light brown eyes and the fairest Guatemalan child I have seen) and so people assume he is my bio child. Which is fine, and I tell people less often than I did when he first came home, when I all put shouted it from the rooftops.
But sometimes, when I see other obvious multi-racial families with presumable adopted children, I wish we stood out more! I want that automatic bond. I realize it is probably easier not to stand out and my son will probably appreciate that later, but sometimes I have a little twinge. Which has nothing to do with how I feel about him- I know he is the cutest, smartest, best 3 year old in the world .

[mumofone]

I rarely disclose that my children are adopted. Of course, family and friends all know.

I am more apt to share the fact that my children happen to be adopted if I meet someone new and the subject of infertility/adoption comes up. I want people to know that "yes" you can adopt and dispel some of the myths they have about adoption costing a fortune, etc.

My oldest son is 10, and he does talk about it once in a while, but he said one day that he "just wants to be a regular kid". He isn't ashamed of his adoption, but he doesn't need to broadcast it either.

Also, I don't get into personal details about their family histories, etc. My children will be the first to know anything of that nature. I really get annoyed when people think it is their God given right to make assumptions and/or ask very personal questions.

[startedover]

I believe after reading everyones responses, that no matter if we tell, don't tell, yell it from the roofs that our children were adopted, that how are children feel about it later in life will depend a great deal on how we relate it to them. At this moment in my life I believe that if my 22 month old could comprehend her adoption, she would be thankful. For one her bio parents need to be working on their lifes and they feel they did the best for her, and second, some kids LOVE being different as long as it is a good thing. Different does not equal bad. Every memeber of mine and my husbands immediate family (close to 40 adult and children) will tell you that our dd is the apple of all of their eyes. Mainly because she is the last and only little baby in their lifes, but also because she didn't creep into their life after 9 long months of waiting. She was familiar in her looks or actions right from the start. She came crashing into their world bringing a feeling of loving a non blood relate person into their life. Looking nothing like them and Showing a little country town that puts alot of weight on family ties, that blood is not always thicker than water. That your heart can become totally engulfed by a being that simply came into your life by a means other than blood. My daughter single handed (and without her knowledge) made hundreds of people open their eyes to a new and wonderful kind of love. I respect the views of the ones who did not like being different and I am hoping that times are changing and other children won't feel as different as you did. Children now days are having to learn to live in all types on non traditional families. And after raising a 19 year old bio child, I realize that as hard as I tried to influence her personality, what bothers her and doesn't is something of nature. Therefore non of us really know which child is going to HATE being different (wheter it is because of adoption, race , religion disability, ect) and what child is going to shin because of that difference. I am just thankful that I am one of the lucky ones that is living in a world were I can first hand know how easy it is to love a child blood related or not.

[KarenInCa]

I want my daughter to be proud that she's adopted. We are a unique family. We choose love. We choose family. It's nothing to be ashamed of. However, it all depends on the situation. If it's an acquaintance, I don't want people to treat my daughter anything different than MY daughter. I don't like it when people think she's less than a part of our REAL family, or have an attitude that "blood is thicker than water" and I don't like it when people tell me that she's sooo lucky and show pitty on her, and see us as generous, or that we are somehow saints for adopting her. Other than that, I sometimes want to go overboard, and talk about adoption and how wonderful it is to our family. How we came together thru fate, and that same fate gave us hope...that hope gave us strength.
We chose family (beyond my 25 yr old son) and we chose adoption. And in an odd way, I feel like my daughter CHOSE us. Adoption is awesome and amazing. I love her as much as my bio son. In fact, sometimes it's hard to keep my mouth shut about adopting her. I want to tell people how awesome adoption truly is. I want to educate her preschool teacher about it. I want to hope that our daughter feels the same as she gets older, and that she understands what REAL family is all about for HER. I want her to know how much pure joy she brings me, and how deeply I love her.
Of course, our adoption is obvious to many. Although, I do get a lot of Asians that ask me if her father is Asian, and assume that I am the birth mother. Other than that, it's fairly obvious that she is adopted. Sometimes I wonder what others think, but it rarely matters to me.

[Mil]

When your kids are younger and your adoption is newer, you run into these situations more. Especially when young mothers start talking about their pregnancies and deliveries. But once your children get older, the subject leaves the forefront of your mind. It's not like you ever forget they're adopted, but it's just less of an issue. It might come up at the doctor's office or if your child has a project about a family tree or genetics, etc., at school. But as they get older, it's just not much of an issue, plus they like to be the one to tell if they want to. But it just doesn't come into play very often.

As I've been in reunion with my bson for the past 7 yrs. adoption has been talked about at my house a little more lately than it had in the past 10 yrs. (I'm a bmother AND an amother both!) But it's always a comfortable subject for us at home, so my kids have no trouble talking about it if they choose to. It's funny, cause my daughter (she's 22) mentioned to someone at work that she's adopted (when they mentioned how much her and I act alike!) and it was funny how many other women that she works with are adopted. Once she mentioned it, everyone had a story to share, lol.

Okay, I'm rambling, I guess I'd better stop and go to bed.

[finallyamom0310]

Liek Storm it has been a process for me too. I felt in the beginning if we didn't mention it we were negating DD's bmom and family. Now I only mention it when the need arrises. Or when I want to really make someone feel weird.

[OakShannon]

Originally Posted by Rubi

And also....I didn't mention his adoption to his new school principal or teacher, because I often see that people do lable adopted children, like when they develope the slightest learning /behavior problem then IT MUST BE BECAUSE HE WAS ADOPTED! I want them to get to know him for who he is first....Do't get me wrong....We are open about the adoption in our home and family, but I do worry that maybe because of people not knowing, my son might be put in difficult situations....

I don't have anything to add about telling friends and acquaintances. I think Leigh summed up my thoughts on the subject pretty well.

As to school, though. . . Sadly, you are right that teachers can sometimes focus on something like adoption as an easy explanation when a child has problems at school. They aren't necessarily going to be educated about the issue. I've seen the same thing happen to children with gay parents or single parents. In our case, it will be obvious that my son was adopted, so I do plan to speak with his teachers and educate them for this very reason.

But in your case, I think you would need to consider why you would tell before you talk to people at school. Is the teacher talking about families and you want to offer information so that she can include families created by adoption in the discussion? Is there a family tree project coming up and she needs educating to be more sensitive? Does your son bring up his adoption himself, and you want the teacher to be educated by you first so that she can talk about it in a sensitive way? Then absolutely tell her. Otherwise, the only personal information I really NEED to know about my students' families are the things that might affect them in the classroom. Are you and your spouse separating? Going through a custody battle? Is grandma really sick? TELL ME! Or your child might be acting out in class and I won't know why or how to help. But otherwise, I don't necessarily need to know.

[ourdreamcametru]

Castle is part filipino so it is easy to tell she is not our bio child since we both have very blue eyes and her eyes are black and her other features are asian. I want her to be very proud of her story and although I do not just go up to people and say, "hey, she's adopted!" I am very open to talk about it if it comes up. Since we have two older bio boys, 18 and 14 this is just about everytime we leave the house because of the huge age difference. I love to share our story and hope that is encourages others to adopt. I think we share with someone just about everytime we leave the house!

[slugbug0930]

I am not ashamed that DD is adopted but I only tell people that I think need to know. If it is just some random person commenting on how cute DD is then I usually just say....."Thanks" and leave it at that. After feeling the need to tell everyone at the begining and then getting asked "why would anyone give up such a cute baby?" or "who wouldn't want her?" ....I decided that it was easier to not say anything because her bmom's story isn't a story that is mine to tell. My family and close friends know but I don't think perfect strangers need to be privy to that information.