[sissyminsky]

Should it be done? Can it be done?

I guess I just want some outside feedback.

Sissy

[Ann07]

I am confused and don't know what you mean.

[shy_bear]

I also find your ? very confusing...are you wanting info. on how to adopt a special needs child who is also of a different race than you?

[devildogwife]

We're a transracial family and my son is medically fragile (has been INCREDIBLY sick). So yes, we've done it and would do it again in a second! Is there a particular child you are considering?

[sissyminsky]

Sorry about any confusion...

There is a particular situation we are looking at, waiting on further medical info.

I only posted about it because a friend of mine (who was there when I got the call) said transracial and "special need" was too much - she said you're good but not that good. I just wondered what the feedback from the board would be and I chose the big board because it would have the most possibility of someone in the situation reading it. I should have thought of you DevilDogWife- I have read some of your situation.

My husband has always been more hesitant about medical issues so we have some talking and praying to do while we wait for the info. We also have to take into account how severe the needs really are before we say yes because I really do feel that we should only go into something if we can truly meet the child's needs.

Anyway, after my friend talked I wondered what all these (visible) "differences" in a family would mean in the long run. So what does everyone think of transracial and special needs adoption?

[Sohmakun]

I personally believe that it can be done. Hop on over to the China boards and you will see how well it can work for yourself

[Shadowfaerie]

Well, I'm sure you and your husband have searched your hearts and know what you want and feel you can handle better than others do. Right? For us, we were open to any race and some special needs... it's different for everyone but for us I didn't really think twice about it, I know who I am. So, yes, I think it can be done.

[joskids]

No one can answer that question for you better than you and your DH can answer it for yourselves. I'm the CC mom to 4 AA children but I have an AA husband so the "transracial" thing is just no big deal. We both also have very integrated families. As for special needs, it depends on what is considered "special needs" whether, at my older age, I would consider it. Get all of the information you can on the child's medical (??) needs. Consult various specialists concerning whatever issue your child has and how it needs to be treated. Ask yourselves, at that point, if you have the time, the finances, the energy and the commitment to handle the special need of that child, and then make your decision. Do not listen to what friends and family members say unless you are going to use them as respite or back-up if needed. This is YOUR decision. As for the transracial situation - where do you live? Is it diverse? Can you find a diverse church or school for your child? Can you give your child a strong sense of who he is and toss away comments (or friendships) from friends or family who may not agree with what you are doing? Find resources before the child ever comes into your home. Take as much time as you have to decide and God bless you on this very important decision.

[sissyminsky]

We are fine with transracial. Our son is a different race. My concern really hinges on is it fair to have a child with a physical special needs that are visible also be in a family where they are racially different. I know I have not been precise, but I think my friend was honestly just thinking that for the child and for our family that might make for too much difference. I'm most concerned for the elementary and teenage years when teasing and self esteem are such big issues.

Thanks for your help,
Joanne

[bethy724]

You have to know what the special need is-exactly. I told my sons cw he had tubes put in his ears (new cw) & she wrote in his file he had a hearing aid. One family was told a child coming to them had braces & showed up w/ leg braces. If your child is in a wheel chair & looks different people WILL stare & children will ask questions - a fellow fp had a CP/AA/ blind/ retarted child in a special chair & I personally couldn't stand the stares (& I get them all the time-my son is different than me) the few times I went out w/ her - it didnt' stop me from going out w/ her & that special boy but I hated the stares & confused looks (what's wrong w/ him, are THEY a couple, he's AA they're white) the complete idiot confusion look. My son at 4 has learned thru him sooo much - some kids are in a chair, some people can't see ect. he was a blessing in our lives & now adopted into a beautiful family.

Good luck - find out everything possible & grow thick skin.

[shy_bear]

We are all CC and my son is Hispanic. He at the time is walking around with two casts on his legs, he also does not talk at all he just screams. We have never had anybody come up to us and say anything(other than how cute he is!!!) If you have ANY doubt in your mind then walk away; a special needs child can take a lot out of you and your family. We love him so much, we all bonded to him immediately.

[adoptionblessin]

You have to know what you can handle. I am a single C parent with two adopted children . One is C and the other is AA, my DD is AA and special needs the first two years she was on 5 machines and we rarely could leave the house do to her immune system and her needs. She was never supposed to walk, talk, see or hear. She wore braces and today can almost out run me. She also has FAS, CP,Epilipsy and etc...It can be done successfully we are in a very diverse area and go to a AA church. ONLY you know what will work for your family. I would do it again in a heartbeat. She is my heart and soul.

[devildogwife]

Originally Posted by sissyminsky

We are fine with transracial. Our son is a different race. My concern really hinges on is it fair to have a child with a physical special needs that are visible also be in a family where they are racially different. I know I have not been precise, but I think my friend was honestly just thinking that for the child and for our family that might make for too much difference. I'm most concerned for the elementary and teenage years when teasing and self esteem are such big issues.

Thanks for your help,
Joanne

My son and former foster daughter both had noticeable physical differences. My son has just (within the last week) started to make any noise, as his vocal cord finally seems to be healing. For months, he was NG tube fed, so a tube taped to his face was pretty noticeable. My former foster daughter had a trach and we always had to drag around her suction and emergency trach bag with us, every single place that we went. I'm sure we got lots of weird looks. She is 9, we're 24. And a baby hooked up to a pump to eat, yep. Plus, both of them are Native American and DH and I aren't. However, their special needs have become so normal to us, we don't even give it a second thought. It is very simple for me, these are my kids, this is what they need to breathe/eat. I did worry about school for my foster daughter. We really worried about teasing. The special ed director did sensitivity training and the kids responded SO well to my foster daugher, I was impressed. It was the best school experience she has had so far. The school also has the second number of minorities in the district, which I liked. With my child(ren), we've learned that we are the one's who have to help them build good self esteem, so they're prepared to answer questions about their trach, or the long scar on their chest. I can help prepare them to the best of my ability.

Like shybear has said, a child with special needs does take a lot out of you. Many times over the past year, I have told my husband that I have nothing left to give, as I have given it all to my son. It has been an exhausting, terrifying year, yet yes, we would (and hope!) to adopt more children who are medically fragile or have special needs.

[megaphonemo]

Devildogwife, I just wanted to tell you that I don't even know you, and I admire the H*LL out of you!!

You rock, my friend!!

Mega

[Jensboys]

Our adoption was a transracial, international, older children, special needs, sibling group so heck yeah it can be done. However, saying that our special needs are NOT visible (as in a physical disability).

I have a friend with a son missing an arm, who also happens to be black and they are white. She said, more often than not, the physical disability trumps adoption in the questions he gets. Kids (and adults) notice the disability and comment or question it far more than they question the transracial aspect of their family. After they get over questioning the disability THEN they question the race issues.

I agree that its tough for them.