[BrandyHagz]

We all know and love her - so now it's time to reach out and support her - A member has asked me to post anonymously for her, so that she can get the support she needs as her child's adoption finalization nears.

If you'd rather PM me - I can forward your comments to the user.

Thank you in advance everyone:

I need some support from my fellow A.com members. Because of some paranoia on my part, I’m posting this anonymously. This weekend DH and I are finalizing our child’s adoption. We are traveling unexpectedly back to the state where the bfamily lives to do so. I’ve notified the bmom that we’re coming, and would love to see them. Bfamily consists of bmom, bdad and several parented children. I called bmom last minute and let her know SURPRISE, we are finalizing in their state after all and we'll be there in a week. I did let her know as soon as WE knew that we would be there. But talk about no time to process right? I'm just in a panic about it all. I'm a total control freak and I have no idea how this is going to "go down". We are expecting to meet her parented children, the oldest of which is in (I believe?) second grade. They know about our child, but I don't really know in what context. I don't know what they have been told, how they handle it, or how those kids will react. If they will get it at all, think their sibling is coming to stay, what will happen... I realize I just have to take that part as it comes, but it adds a whole OTHER dimension to things.

Then there is bdad. He has outwardly (to us) had a more difficult time than bmom. We have almost no contact with him (which I understand is typical) He’s almost never mentioned during communication except when I ask about him, and then bmom just says he’s having a hard time. Last time I called and he answered, he would barely acknowledge he even knew who I was. We had originally planned to go visit them a month or so back, but bdad told bmom it was too soon and we pushed the visit off. Now that we are going to be there anyway, I don't know what his feelings are.

And bmom. She attends therapy and a support group. The times that she mentions the support group she says a lot of stuff about how it empowers her in the adoption process, and tells her everything she can expect from an open adoption. I get the distinct impression that she is unhappy that she didn't request more when she made her adoption plan. The fact still remains though that she hasn't actually asked for anything. The paperwork we just barely got copies of state "contact" from birth till 4 or 6 months. That's really clear right? I have no idea if that is HER words, or the attorney. I'll fully admit that I should have opened this up and found out what she wants, but I'm really afraid now that she wants too much...more than we would have agreed to if it had been requested before we matched. We turned down several situations that required more contact than we were comfortable with. I’m open to more than letters and pictures with them now that we have an actual relationship with them, I’m just not sure if we’ll be on the same page as far as how much more they want, and we’re willing to bend. When we accepted the match, we were told letters and pictures occasionally. I also want there to be some responsibility on her for this open arrangement and so far anything I've tried to hold her too, she hasn't done. (We asked her to send us a family picture, or a few pictures of herself, bdad and bsiblings) Is it fair to “want” from her too? If she has requests for me regarding communication, can I also have requests for her? I don’t think visits (if she wants them) should be completely our responsibility. Yes we only have one child right now, but that could (will) change at some point. I have no idea if that's a lot to ask?

Anyway, I wish I could just post this out in the open, but my paranoia runs deep, so I'm reaching out anonymously hoping people an offer me some support. Some of you are clearly going to know who I am, but I know you can be discrete… Thank you all!

[kelceesmom]

I think a lot of your feelings are normal. I think even in an open adoption things can change easily. The fact that you can voice it helps. If you feel comfortable enough I would let your childs bmom know that sometime in the future you are willing to open the doors just a little more.

People who don't have an open adoption, like me, get to see what it is like thru people like you. I envy what you have. You will be ok, and hopefully just keep moving forward a step at a time. That is all anyone can expect.

I will keep you in thought that you find a little peace in the upcoming week and congratulations. You deserve to be happy too.

[Leigh131313]

I think I'd hold off on openning things more until you know how far you want things to open. Maybe you need to discuss this with your dh before this upcoming visit.


I wouldn't feel guilty about the lack of notice for the visit. They have the right to say they aren't comfortable with it - you could always remind them of this " If you aren't ready for a visit, please let us know, we just thought we'd offer since we were going to be there"

I think a week is enough notice anyway - heck, I usually get the day before and that's fine with us too.

I really don't think you need to take on how everyone else is going to be at the visit. It's just not something you can control. You CAN make the visit shorter if things are uncomfortable - or longer if things go well. Personally I would never make decisions on how I THINK someone may or may not react.

[Tigger2]

I agree with Leigh- you need to make sure you are completely comfortable with opening things up before you offer. We ended up agreeing to more visits then we had originally planned. It has been okay, so far, however birthmom is rather demanding. We never know when she will request more pictures or different settings for pictures, a different day for updates or more openness. We send our monthly updates, pictures and any communications through our agency and are trying to set boundaries. It can be hard. So follow your heart and be very honest with yourselves.

Thoughts and prayers are with you during this time. Know that your forum friends are here to support you.

[adoptionauthor]

I don't think you're alone in your feelings and don't feel badly. Open Adoption can be tough to navigate for both you and his life mom. It sounds like she's trying to find a way to deal and life with her decision, as far as notice, a week is just long enough!

Our situation is fairly open but we don't actually hear from our son's life mom as much as we originally thought we would.

We're open to visits and she has visited 3 times and he's 2 (each time she's come to us but we've all gone out for dinner and we paid etc.) and we send her pictures and emails. She used to live in our state but has now moved.

My advise is to breathe, be calm, and play it by ear. Set limits but still be flexible and everything will work out fine. Remember how she has changed your life...positive things will come!

Good Luck and we're all right here if you need support!

[chrisandaaron]

I agree that you should try not to worry about how the kids will respond to the visit. It is really their parents responsibility to help them work through any feelings and their parents decision as to what to tell them. Now, I would be prepared with a couple generic answers to any questions they might have, such as ..."Oh we love "baby" so much and we are so happy that we get to be their mom/dad." and "Well, I'm not sure you should probably ask your mom/dad that question."


As for openness... IF you are comfortable with more than I would just say. "If you would like, we would be happy to do XYZ to keep in contact with you more." IF you are afraid they will ask for too much at this point, don't ask. At this point you are in control of the situation, just say we are willing to do XYZ if you would like. If it were me I would probably leave the visit discussion for a later time and see how things progress. As for "wanting" from her, I completely understand. We send pics and letters and were open to visits with our children's bparents, but we hear nothing. I would love nothing more than to have a picture of them or at least a note. However, I don't think you should base what you are willing to do on what bmom is willing to do. She may just be too busy to send you things or she may not be ready too. It may be harder for her to actually send something than it is to talk about it on the phone or read your updates. It doesn't hurt to tell her "We'd love it if you sent us XYZ." But if she does it or not is completely up to her.

Good luck! and CONGRATS on finalization!

[blessedbybug]

If there is one thing I've learned in our attempts to keep open and build relatioships with the other families of our kids it is that at the most basic level, it's complicated. Our children both have siblings who are either parented by their birth mothers or in adoptive homes. And they know that they are sibs and they all ask hard questions and we just answer them one by one. As I've attempted to "plan" for these relationships, I've had to let go of so much and honestly, take what we get. I would love to hold my kids' other families accountable for their part of what I have hoped, still hope (but am more realistic about) is a growing relationship but I've learned through much grief and frustration, that the reality is that I can only control my part in this. And we take what we get, always keeping the door open for visits, sending updates with pictures as regularly as possible and making every effort to let them know they are important to us. So far, all of these attempts have basically been taken advantage of in that, we have rare mutual contact. It's all me making the effort. And so, we've had to modify our part in things as we go along. I've had to tone down how I speak to my kids about their future relationship with their other families because frankly, I just don't know. Nothing is guaranteed and as much as I feel it is important to know them, to work on this relationship, it is of equal importance that I protect my children by not making promises I can't keep. This is yet another are in adoption that IMO, if we feel like we have some control, some of us just don't. And I for one, have had to let it go.

That said, I still wouldn't change anything. We've basically been open to visits anytime within reason due to our distance and responsibilities in our family. And we've kept up our communication through letters, and willingly had discussions with our kid's other families about how to handle sibling relationships. All you can do is hope that they are preparing the children they parented for a meeting. And all you can do is say "we're coming" and believe that if you are to get together, you will find a way to make it work and make the most of it. I can't control what they do, but I can't live in fear wondering what's going to happen, especially when we have decided it is worth it for the sake of our children to know their other families to make the effort.

It is so scary though, the unknown of it all. It is truly the biggest challenge of an open adoption and the relationships involved. You have to decide what you want in this relationship, how much effort you are willing to put into it and go from there.

I hope things work out and blessings as you go through this next step...

[belleinblue1978]

One of the most difficult things about open adoption is that you can't control what the other party does. They are going to do what they are going to do and you will do what you will do, all in the best interests of your respective children. You might not always agree on those things, but that is just life.

As for the pictures. It took me a long time to get pictures together for my son, four years in fact. I really didn't feel like I was worth enough for him to need them. It is still early in your adoption and their emotions are still raw. You've asked for pictures, give them some time.

I think one of the things we can all agree is that no matter how much you talk about how things will feel after placing a child for adoption/having a child placed with you for adoption, there is no way to tell how you will feel afterward. For first parents there is alot of grief to process on the backend while you're experiencing joy. I'm not saying that to be a Debbie Downer, just saying that sometimes things that seem like they should be no big deal, feel like the HUGEST deal ever.

[startedover]

my dd had 3 brothers. One is full fblooded and two half brothers ranging in age from 4 to 12. First children react differently than you probably have in your head. I know I imagined the older brothers thinking about her all the time and since their mom has no interest in a realitionship for them with my dd, they seem ok if we bump into them. However it is sort of sad since they ask their cousins for pictures of her. But they still aren't thinking on an adult level. They will probably just be glad to have a baby to play with.

I too asked for pictures from bmom, which were never received, so I know how you feel there.

But I also agree only agree with what you are comfortable with as for the openess. But if you all live as far apart as it seems, I don't expect you will have a big issue of unplanned visits.

[melissa_bear003]

While I applaud you for being concerned with the parented sibs, I'd like to point out that your concerns are actually for their parents to deal with...Not your responsibility to take on, in other words. If at all possible, try and let that go. You have no control over how the parents are/have chosen to explain or deal with the situation to their parented kids, so try and absolve yourself from that. Easier said than done, I'm sure.

As to the more openness...stick with what you've got for now. Since bmom hasn't followed through on her end of things, I'd wait and see. You don't want to get into a one sided relationship where she receives all the open, and you receive nothing, because that will only cause resentment and hurt in the relationship, and eventually a complete breakdown. If she starts carrying her end of the relationship, then may be the time to consider and discuss more openness.

I wish you all the best, and hope the finalization comes without any drama

[sambob]

Just my two cents, but I would wait to see the birthfamily until AFTER you finalize. You don't want a meeting beforehand to somehow jeopardize the finalization, especially if they are having a hard time with it. You know, the more I think of it, this might not even be the best time to try to meet with them, so I wouldn't push it if they haven't been overly responsive. Even though finalizing is a really happy time for you, it's probably a really sad time for them.

[veggiegirl]

No advice, reallly (sorry!) but I do have a hug . That makes you feel better, right??? Just know that we are in pretty much the same boat - we only hear from DD's birth grandma at this point. We do have a pic of some of DD's half-siblings, but the youngest wasn't even born when the pic was taken so it feels very incomplete. Bmom said she'd send more pics and a letter, but it hasn't happened yet. I can't imagine how hard it must be for her, but at the same time, I also want lots of letters and pics for DD as she grows up. I think it will help her understand her adoption better.

We also offered to visit at finalization. Grandma says they would love to visit, but we'll see if bmom comes. I do hope she will and I do hope all will go well. It's a tough situation, but I do think it'll get better for us all with time. Hang in there. Don't forget to have fun, smile, and take lots of pictures at your finalization!