[BonSue]

My husband and I adopted two boys 3 yrs ago from foster care. Their birth paretns were already out of the picture when we got the boys. We are in the process of adopting two more boys, and they have been in our home since they were put into care. Their mom told them that she was going to TPR on them so we could adopt them, and we agreed to do this with openess, and said she could see them occasionally. The oldest one is 15 yrs old and he understands more than the 9 year old does. The nine year old wants to call his mom all the time since mom told them I would let them. This nine year old is mentally slow. So how do we make him understand what is going on? How do we help them cut ties with the birth mom? We have been doing 1 hr. visits for over 6 months. How do we become a family? They are really having trouble adjusting without their birthmom. Can anyone suggest some type of book on an adult level and a child level?

[jp4ga]

How do we help them cut ties with the birth mom?

At their ages I am not sure that you can ever cut the ties. Hopefully within time they will understand what is going on. I have a friend who adopted two children who were old and it took about 3 years for the transition to occur with the younger child (she has a learning problem). It was hard, but they just tried to make new memories, new traditions and eventually both girls understood what had happened.

With older children it takes a lot of time.

[Daisy1339]

Originally Posted by BonSue

My husband and I adopted two boys 3 yrs ago from foster care. Their birth paretns were already out of the picture when we got the boys. We are in the process of adopting two more boys, and they have been in our home since they were put into care. Their mom told them that she was going to TPR on them so we could adopt them, and we agreed to do this with openess, and said she could see them occasionally. The oldest one is 15 yrs old and he understands more than the 9 year old does. The nine year old wants to call his mom all the time since mom told them I would let them. This nine year old is mentally slow. So how do we make him understand what is going on? How do we help them cut ties with the birth mom? We have been doing 1 hr. visits for over 6 months. How do we become a family? They are really having trouble adjusting without their birthmom. Can anyone suggest some type of book on an adult level and a child level?

She is not their birthmom, she is their Mother. You did not get them at birth or even as toddlers. They have a strong connection with their mother. I know you are new to these boards and maybe you don't fully understand the distinction of the terms. Yes, she gave birth to them, but she is also their mother and they know her as such.

Unless the court ordered that she have zero contact, I don't think you should "cut ties" with their mother and I can't understand where you are coming from in wanting to do that. I don't know enough about the background to help or offer an opinion, but I'll try with what you've given.

With the little bit of info you've given, I would personally be liberal with the phone calls for the nine year old. He's obviously very attached to his mother (understandably so) and it must be very terrifying for him to be away from her. Even children who have been abused have strong feelings of love and loyalty toward their parents. It doesn't matter how safe and warm you make your home to them. So, unless the courts have ruled that she have no contact, I would plan on allowing him access to her at the very least by phone for as much and as long as HE wants. And be prepared, cause that could mean years.

I'm sure you did your research before considering to adopt older children. I'm not sure what you and your husband expected, because this sounds like normal and reasonable behavior from an nine year old (even the 15 year old).

If you want them to feel safe and guilt free and less "torn", then I suggest you reconsider the "occasional visits" and "cutting ties" with their mother. Honestly, I don't know what you're expecting, can you please explain?

I mean, you ARE a family. What are your expectations? Are these kids in any sort of therapy? Do you attend the sessions with them so that you know what the therapist is telling them to do in order to cope with this traumatic experience?

This is going to sound extremely harsh, but going by your post alone, it sounds like you need the book on understanding, not the other way around. If you are expecting them to embrace your family and simply move on, after a grieving period according to your time table, then you are in for a MAJOR disappointment.

[calee]

As an adoption social worker, I am sad to see you use terms like "cut ties". Reasonable expectations are very important when it comes to adoption and building new relationships.
"Becoming a family", well, you are a family once the children are adopted. FEELING like a family depends a lot, again, on your expectations.
Of course they are having trouble adjusting. ALL this sounds COMPLETELY normal, except for the fact that it seems abnormal to you. Please get into family counseling. And please read some books about adopting older children.
I would absolutely HATE for you to alienate your new children by expecting too much too soon.

[BonSue]

I think you all have not understood what I meant. I don't want to cut ties with mom altogether. She is going to be a part of our lives forever, but is what I was referring too is the transistion from going from weekley vistits to holiday visits, and an occasional phone visit. Mom has made it sound like these children is going to get more visits than they did before they were adopted. These kids have known me for over 6 years they are not new kids to our family. 27 months have been living in our house. Daisy, I do know about understanding, and I believe that was a bit harsh. We are agreeing to an open adoption. People in our area don't do open adoptions. In the state of MO there is no such thing is an open adoption. If we were not an understanding person, we would never agree to do this. It is a lot of trouble ,but we are willing to make the scarafice to help the children and help the mom. This is something new that we are dealing with. THe kids are in thearpy and I stay in close contact with the cousler. I am just wanting to help these boys make a smooth transistion. I am sorry I did not provide enough information earlier, but I was trying to get 5 kids ready for church, cook sunday dinner, and get myself ready too.

[lvnlfe]

Wow...this is a truly sensitive issue. IMO I feel you need to do what is best for the children, no matter how long they have lived with you. You need to put their feelings first and disregard your own (though not completely).

This is a sensitive situation since they already have connections with their mother no matter how good or bad she was / is. Just think about them for a moment and try to view things in their eyes. To children / teenagers, it doesn't matter to them how good or bad their parent(s) were to them, they still love their parent, nothing will change that.

My goodness I wouldn't want to be in their shoes. These kids are stuck between a rock and a hard place. Must sense already what is going on based on what you are saying. This cannot be good for them either.

Let them feel their pain if they need to, talk to them as much as possible. You as their adopted mother just need to comfort them and not be a replacement. I feel you will get much further if you just listen and let them express themselves and heal their hurt.

Start with scrapbooking especially with the younger one, starting a family tree, and let them go as far as they want with it. It would be a good healing place to start with, so they can feel their loss even when their mom is sometimes in the picture.

The biggest concern must be for them, and put your uncertanties aside. There is also a red sign of the kids being in therapy. So their are obvious signs in distress.

Let their young voices be heard, the healing needs to start right away, if not the further this goes and the more you fight it, the bigger the problems you will have. Wow this is definitely a tough situation to be in. I wish alot of prayers and patience....

Take care.