[3blessingsandmore]

would like some advice from those of you who have "been there done that" on adopting a child they have had as a foster child.

I will give you some background on us first My DH and I have been blessed with a wonderful 17 year old son and we have been married for almost 20 years. Last year we decided to become foster parents, to open our home to children that needed a lovng secure home until RU or if they were TPR adopting them. We had decided we would be committed to them for however long God allowed them to be with us.

"Princess"and "pumpkin"were placed with us 15 mos ago at the age of 10 mos and 23 mos old, we have a finalization date on their adoption on Nov 25. The girls were placed originally as a temp situation but things changed and parents couldnt/didnt work on their case plan, there was no visitation from either bio except 1hr visit from bmom after 6mos in care and I thought Princess being 2 1/2 years old would remember her but didnt, she ran right past her to the CW she remembered and asked for mama (me) the whole visit. Bmom stayed out of the picture (not working on caseplan) and didnt stay in contact w/ the CW she and Bdad for pumpkin resurfaced for tpr mediation. We intro ourselves to them and let them know that the girls were doing well and however things turned out we would always be there for the girls and that we loved them. We had another hearing and the bparents approached us and asked us if they were to relinquish rights were we 100% sure we would adopt them, and of course we were. They made the hardest decision ever by putting their childrens needs first and decided to let them be in the stable home they were in with the only"Mommy and Daddy" they know. TPR was granted and we agreed to keep them updated with pics on their bdays and Christmas, we gave them our phone # and PO Box and have sent them some pics already.Again the only contact with bfamily since they came into our home (15 mos ago)has been 1 hr w/ bmom and 1hr w/ bmoms father.

My question to you is how did you handle the adoption aspect of this, I know without these wonderful people we wouldnt be blessed by these 2 sweet girls. We are the only family they know(for now),so when and how do you talk to them about adoption. Part of me feels like they dont know anything but us and I want them to be raised just like a raised my bs but I know they are a part of them but I dont want it to come out by accident( say we run into a member of Bfamily) and it be a surprise but I also dont want them to grow up feeling any different than my bs did because their isnt any difference between my 3 kids.

Please give me some advice, the only person I know who was adopted was a bil that was adopted in a closed adoption 45 years ago and knew he wanted to find his bmom and made it his mission(he has 3 adopted siblings). Of course pumpkin and pricess case is different I have and will always have info on their family unlike my bil and his advice is based on a different time where adoption is concerned. I want to be mommy to these girls and not have them wonder about their other mommy until they are old enough or if its already brought up while they are younger than maybe its not such a big deal because they will grow up knowing we chose them. ?????? HELP!!!!!! Is there a difference if you adopted them out of foster care or if you adopted them straight from the hospital???

I appreciate your help and you have been invaluable this last year with your advice and posts.

3blessingsandmore

[calee]

Hello!
Are you asking if you should have contact with the birthfamily, or if you should tell the children that they are adopted? Sorry, I wanted to clarify before I wrote a response about the wrong thing!

[tweetybirdus]

Well, first, I think I would start teaching them the different ways people become families, birth and adoption and, in your case, foster/adoption. Talk about it often. Then, once they understand it more, tell them how they became part of your family.

I think all situations are going to be different. You just have to make it about the children and the love that everyone has for them. It's their story. I think age appropriateness is a necessity. I wouldn't dwell on the negative aspects of bparents' choices. I probably wouldn't even go into that until they are old enough to really understand, like mid to late teens.

Be prepared for questions. Try not to feel guilty for saying I don't know, if you truly don't know the answers.

[3blessingsandmore]

my question is about letting them know they are adopted, the difference of them knowing all along or telling them when they are ready and can understand. I think fom what I learned from previous posts its best to be totally open and upfront about them being adopted,
Thanks
3blessingsandmore

[SHD]

My suggestion would be to start researching adoption books. There are tons of books out there that tell how families came to be. Amazon.com is a good place to start.

Tweety is right, deeper questions won't come until they are older. Keep up the talks because they will feel comfortable asking questions if they feel that you are willing to talk about it.

These boards are also a good place to discuss things with people to see how they have handled certain situations.

All my best to you and I'll remember you in my prayers.

[mommy3]

No time is too early and, based on everything I've learned and lived with my two children via adoption, just begin to insert special loving comments here and there. "I waited for you for so long and then finally, you came to our family" or "I've always loved you, even when I was waiting to be your mommy". Since your finalization is so soon, explain what that means, esp. to your oldest. Telling their story to them is so important so both understand that they are deeply loved and they'll grow up always understanding the special way your family was formed and how they came to be your children. I wouldn't even use the word "adopted" for a while. We use it seldom, except "adoption" periodically. Children accept so much if they feel that they are being told a truthful, loving story. The problems really only occur when children find out down the road that what they grew up knowing wasn't really true. If you begin to talk now about their stories, they'll soon "get" the idea of a birthmother and birthfather, along with you and your dh. Knowledge is really not a "dangerous thing" in adoption, I've learned so strongly.

Enjoy your finalization day and when your children become your forever-children, susan

[startedover]

I have the same worries as you, but I am learning (mainly from these boards) My dd is 22 months old and I make a point to read her books about adoption here in there. IN the beginning that's all i read and I realized I WAS making her different. Now I just incorporate them into our stack of books. I did do her a book on shutterfly about how we had prayed for 10 years for her and then how she came to us. We have two older bio children (19 & 13) and I worry that she will feel different, but everyone is educating theirself to make sure we do the best we can. When we have seen her bio family we haven't made a point to say "that's your birthmom" . We is still to young for that. Good luck

[portlowski]

My son is not yet 2 and we have an open adoption with his birthmother (bdad has dropped out of the picture at this point). When we see her I say things like, "Remeber, this is S and you grew inside of her tummy ansd she loves you so much!" When we look at her photo I just say "this is S and you grew in her tummy." I sometimes read him adoption storybooks. Some of them are about international adoption or other types of adoption that are not exactly like his story, but that is okay because he is learning about the different ways children come into their familes. We hope by talking to him about adoption a little at a time, he will learn his story.

You might want to look into information about Lifebooks...we are doing one for our son. It is basically a scrapbook of your child's life story including adoption and what is known about the birth family. It is like a baby book but more in depth, a jumping off place for tlaking about adoption and a personal keepsake for your child to help understand the story of how he or she came to be in your family. It can grow as your child grows.

Right now we have pictures of our son's birthfamily, our family profile that we submitted to the adoption agency, something I typed about our adoption journey, a picture from his day at adoption court. As he grows up we will include more.

[Mil]

Let them know right from the start that they're adopted. Secrets and withholding the truth hurts them later on. As others have said, talk about adoption when they're young. Answer any questions they might have as they get older. It's not gonna be an everyday discussion, but don't shy away from the subject either. You may want them to feel just like your bio son, but lets face it, they're different. They're adopted and nothing you can do will change that, even though you love them they same. Good luck - enjoy your little ones!

[chrisandaaron]

I pretty much do the same as the other posters mentioned. We work adoption books into our stack of night time stories. After hearing it enough that seems like a very normal way to build a family (which it is). Occasionally when we are rocking in the chair at night I will tell them their story "Once upon a time, there was a mommy and a daddy that wanted another baby...then one day Miss N. called and told them about a little boy/girl who's bmom had picked them to be their mommy and daddy. They drove late into the night...." I made scrapbooks for all the kids 1st year and for our children we adoped their books say "Once there was a mommy and daddy that wanted another baby very much. On XXXX, Miss N. called ....." There books also have pictues with the judge and Miss N on finalization day and pics from their finalization parties.

My oldest just turned 3 and he is just starting to ask more questions. He was convinced that babies came from the store (Walmart to be exact). He knew that we dropped him and his brother off and grandma's and came home a couple days later with a new baby. I let him go with that for a while, then we moved on to babies come from the hospital. We are just starting to talk about babies coming from tummies...but that is still confusing for him.

Good luck!

[hesabanana]

My ason was 2.5 when his adoption was finalized, and he was placed with us at age 5 months. We had a HUGE party and a brother in law took the pictures and made them in to a great video that my son loves to watch. We also sent out adoption announcements and framed it. We truly celebrate his adoption as something wonderful, and because of that, he thinks it is a wonderful thing too.
He's almost 5 now, and has asked who's belly he grew in (we have some contact with bmom as ason's sister was placed with us for a year and then returned to bmom), and since I told him, he has not asked any other questions. They'll come.

[calee]

Here's the thing. Adoption IS different. It DOESN'T mean you love them any less than your bio child, but there are different aspects to adoption. That doesn't make it BAD, it just makes it different. Even two bio children are going to be different, with different needs. To expect that everything is going to be exactly the same with any two kids is a set-up for disappointment.

Bottom line-they ARE adopted. They DO have other family members that have had an influence on their life, at the VERY least, biologically. To pretend anything different is a great disservice to your children.

Children learn what is "normal" and what is "ok" from the adults around them. If we act or give the appearance that something is a secret, or bad or abnormal, or second rate, that is the truth they will live with. If we raise them that something is good and positive and not scary, they are more likely to live with that truth. If they ARE to wonder about or ask about their other mommy, that is not wrong, and it does NOT minimize your importance in their life. It just IS what it is. They are chidren. They will ask questions. Your response will tell them how secure you are with your relationship with them.

Don't hide it. Don't fear it Don't try to make their life experiences exactly the same as your other child. Love them with all your heart. Tell them the truth. Raise them to be proud of their origin, proud of their place in your family, and proud of who they are as a result of ALL the people that love them.

Best wishes.

[mommy3]

A concept I wanted to add is that when our children are adopted, that's a one-time event, so I always always use the phrase, "you WERE adopted" not "are adopted" -- It's my contention that this difference in wording isn't just about being PC, but about sharing that our children are our children, period. Their adoption experience happened only once, even when their stories are different and special. Funny, but my son's friend was bummed when they were little because he "didn't have a birthmother like D!" -- then we explained that his birthmom and mom were just the same person. He still didn't like it -- he wanted 2 people to love him as mothers, like my son had. Loved it. susan