[tawny63]

We adopted our son in August 2007. Our agency knew we would pay up to $1000 of medical bills for the birth mother. We finalized our adoption in November of 2007, and had already paid medical bills totaling $830. Just yesterday, I got an email from birthmom letting me know she found more bills (didn't say a price) and has mailed them to me.

What would you do???? I was shocked that she would still have bills out there for one, but also that after a year (which wasn't completely smooth) she would feel comfortable sending us more bills. By the time she sent the first stack of bills, I had to pay 3 collection agencies their fees, in addition to the medical billing. I'm frustrated and not sure what to tell her.

As far as our open adoption, it's been rough and she's been pretty immature about issues. She bought our son a present for his birthday that she knew he already had...she writes emails addressed to our son stating how much she loves him and it was a mistake to give him up, even though she likes us as parents...she has already been married to a different man and is now trying to get pregnant. We redirect her as much as possible to remind her why she chose us, why she chose adoption, and also let her know what we are doing and send her pictures.

[Rainbow mom]

I would tell her they need to be submitted through the agency. There has to be a end date on the paperwork as to when she has to have all reciepts submitted. Let them be the bad guy.

[Suziebearhugs]

If you agreed upfront to pay $1000 in medical bills than I would continue to pay whatever bills she send (related to the birth) until you reach that max amount. Once your commitment is complete I'd send her a copy of all the medical expenses you have paid this far and let her (and your lawyer or agency) know that you have fulfilled your agreement and she/they will have to find some way to pay whatever is left over. Yes, she should have given you the bills much sooner before they reached collections and she shouldn't have waited this long. Unless you stated a certian time frame ahead of time, I still believe you are morally and financially responsible for the amount you originally agreed to.

Open adoption can be difficult. It's important to set appropriate boundaries and it sounds like that is what your trying to do. She has a right to feel however she does about adoption and her feelings will likely change over time. It's up to you to decide what is and isn't appropriate to say, or when it might be appropriate to give him those kinds of letters.

Try and think of it as if you were the child. I know for me, I would want to hear my birthmoms true feelings of how she feels, not a sugar coated or fake version of it. That may not be appropriate for me to see as a young child or teen but as an adult it could be very appropriate.

Think of the long term commitment your making for your child. As long as the direct contact with the child can be positive for the child and create a good experience. Any letters that may be more difficult for a child to understand could be saved for later. That's something you can discuss with her or you may even suggest that rather than send him those messages now, she keep a journal just for him of what ever feelings she's having along the way and that could be somehting she can share with him when he is mature and able to understand adult situations and feelings.

[mrsdrkwaver]

I would consult with your agency. our agency told us that if you ever feel like somthing is not right with your birthmother to talk to them. I am surprized you are handling the bills. I was understanding that would all go through the agency. I would contact them and let them advise you as to how to proceed

[sambob]

Originally Posted by Rainbow mom

I would tell her they need to be submitted through the agency. There has to be a end date on the paperwork as to when she has to have all reciepts submitted. Let them be the bad guy.

I totally agree. You shouldn't be put in that position - let the agency be the bad guy.

[tawny63]

Well, I haven't received them in the mail, so I emailed her....She sent a note with my billing information to the clinic that she owes $300, including late fees. I guess that was three weeks ago that she gave them our information.

I will contact our agency and ask them what I should do. Thanks for your support!