[nikkianni]

DH and I have always had a total of five family Christmases each ear. Obviously it's a juggling act but it's one we've been OK with. One of the Christmases is always the weekend before the holiday so that's no big deal.
My parent's Christmas is on Christmas Eve, as is DH's mom's. Usually we split the day between the two. Well this year we both have to work, possibly until 5 p.m. Obviously that's a problem.
So I brought it up to my Mother two nights ago. I love my Mom but she's the queen of guilt and can be very selfish. She's been "sharing" me at holidays for about seven years now and still comes up with some drama every year about it.
Well, she went off. I was forcing her to change her traditions and she's compromised so much already and if I really wanted to be there I'd be there, yadda yadda yadda. And then of course she brought up the fact that DH has two separate families (divorce) while I have one and that's not fair.....you get the idea.
OK. Normally I just take it and then try to do everything everyone wants us to do. That means DH's mom's Christmas and my parents' Christmas on Christmas Eve, two hours tops on our own Christmas morning before we leave for Christmas with DH's dad and then off to my big family Christmas. (Aunts, uncles, etc.)
Please note the two whole hours I get every Christmas to have my Christmas. That used to be OK. Now that DD is in the picture, it's not. I want to start our own Christmas traditions of Santa Clause, milk and cookies, etc.
As it is, we're gone until late Christmas Eve and out the door by nine Christmas morning, not to return until late that night.
I tried to tell my Mom this but she just doesn't get it. I asked if maybe she'd consider moving the big family Christmas to another weekend to make it more convenient for everyone and she flipped all over again.
DH and I are actually considering not even spending Christmas Eve together so that we can cover both events. How sad is that? I used to love this holiday but every year it seems to get worse.
All of that (sorry) to say this: I can't be the only one who goes through this. What do you all do? How do you cope? I'd love some thoughts on this.

[Biblemom]

Do you have a lot of brothers and sisters? Would your Mom be willing to spend Christmas morning at your house? We did this with my parents (brother was out of town with his in-laws) and DH's mom last year. They all spent the night and shared in watching the children open their presents. I am hoping to make this a tradition as it was great fun and great memories.

I am very lucky that my parents understand the Christmas craziness (their parents were not understanding) so they do their best to have Christmas the weekend before or whatever works best for everyone's schedules. But I do feel your pain as DH's family is definetaly NOT!

[lovemy2boys]

We nipped that in the bud the year we got engaged.

My side of the family (both dad and moms families) spend Christmas together to avoid all the drama, and that's always on Christmas Day. (We used to do the big Polish Wigilia on Christmas Eve, but that ended when my Grandma passed on 20 years ago).

My DH's family, on the other had, spend Christmas eve at his parents, Christmas morning at his parents, Christmas Afternoon at his Dad's entire side and Christmas night at his moms entire. The "main" holiday for them, though is Christmas Eve.

So with all their holiday cheer, where were we supposed to fit in my family? Where do we fit in OURSELVES?

Well, after an ugly incident our first year together (where DH wanted to see me on Christmas but his mom said he had no business spending a holiday with me because I was just some young girl who would never be family - - take THAT lady!) my DH blew up at her...one of the only 2 times I've ever seen him do that...

We were engaged shortly thereafter, and now spend a few hours on Christmas Eve with his family, Christmas afternoon with mine and the rest of the time with our own family of four...and we tell his mom if she has a problem with that then she doesn't have to spend the holidays with us at all.

Sure, we still get the passive aggressive comments, but who cares? We have our OWN family, and our OWN traditions, and are really tired of being guilted into doing things that we don't want to.

DONT spend Christmas separate from your DH...make your own traditions - guilt be darned!

I realize that there are many separate families to contend with, but who says you have to spend THAT DAY with them? Christmas is a season...stop by and visit the weekend before or after. If they don't like it...well, tough!

[cetalley]

I am so sorry you are feeling such anxiety, when what CRISTMAS is really about is the celebration of CRISTS' Birthday. You mentioned now that you have a child ,your direction has changed and wish more time with your family. When I went through a situation similar to yours, maybe even more confusing, I went with my heart. I have no little ones at home , we have 4 kids and 2 grandkids, all or most, live far away, as in out of state. I knew that no matter what I did someone was gonna be hurt. So, I chose to stay at home and let each person in our family know we would be more than happy to have CHRISTMAS at our home. Nobdy was happy, but I sure had a peaceful time at home with my groom ,and we celebrated the BIRTH of our Savior! YOU now have a family.. explain to them your priority is to her, and every one else is secondary, offer to host one big CHRISTmas celebration at your home, on a different week-end, if you must, and invite both sides! Come as they may, but enjoy your celebration...at home...with your daughter and husband!

[nikkianni]

Originally Posted by Biblemom

Would your Mom be willing to spend Christmas morning at your house?

This is where it gets just plain stupid. My parents live across the road from us. Literally. I tried to tell Mom that next year we'd like to spend Christmas Day at home maybe have dinner at our place if anyone wanted to come over.
That didn't fly. Because then I'd be the hostess and it wouldn't be her Christmas.
I guess it's going to come down to me making her angry and her having to deal with it.
I have two brothers. One announced a couple of weeks ago that he's spending Christmas Eve, Day and the day after four hours away with his girlfriend's family. I happen to know he didn't get two nights of harassment out of it.

[Gwen72]

DH's family all come together on Christmas Eve and celebrate together. Then we all spend Christmas Day at our own homes. My father and brother live out of state so I don't see them, but I call them to say "Merry Christmas." My mom lives in town. She either comes to Christmas Eve dinner with DH's family or comes to our house for dinner on Christmas Day depending on her work schedule. I hope that you are able to work something out so that everyone has a nice Christmas. If that is not possible, don't feel guilty about making sure your intimate family has the best Christmas. Good Luck!

[crick]

I think what you really need to decide is what is more important? Your mother's guilt and drama or providing traditions and family time for your child to grow up with and cherish?

I have a huge extended family and grew up doing the "rush in the a.m. see your gifts, ooohh, okay now it's time to ready to go!" on Christmas Day. After we had kids I decided I wanted our Christmas to be about us and to me, Christmas is about the kids/family joy.

I told the family that Christmas Day was going to be celebrated as a family and we would not be travelling to the dinner. Didn't go over that well at all, but I've stuck to it and it's worth it to me to enjoy that day in full with my kids.

It might not be easy to deal with your mom's guilt trips, but why ruin your holiday season trying to please her when it sounds like no matter what kind of compromise you try to make it won't work for her?

Another idea you might try is what my brother does. He alternates years for the family gatherings. One year, they spend holidays with his wife's family and the next year is with his.

[bethy724]

I would not be bullied/guilted into any Christmas celebration-what is that teaching your child?

Ask your mom where Jesus & the spirit of giving/sacriface fits into her Christmas plans. That would be a deal breaker for me - my mom guilting me into celebrating the birth of a savior at any cost-you have a child & husband that you are committed to-you didn't choose your mom.

[startedover]

I deal with almost the EXACT same situation. And another thing that bothers me is how you go on Christmas Eve and the kids get all these neat presents and then we have to come home at 10 or 11 pm and put excited children to bed. That in itself takes an hour or so. BY the time we are done "helping" Santa we go to bed at 1 or 2.
If you can't convince anyone to change, start your own routine for your family and one on another night for anyone who wants to come. Like Dec 23 we started doing some of the Christmas with family. If you have sister , brothers or inlaws that feel the same way -- rushed -- maybe you could enlist their help. Change is hard , but it's your time to make traditions.

[Shadowfaerie]

Well, you have to put your own (nuclear) family first here, and your extended family should be supportive of this. They should be flexible and try to understand everyone wants to enjoy time with their own children on Christmas. It's pretty sad that they aren't really. Do not allow your mother or anyone else to let you feel bad about this decision. If she lives right across the street from you perhaps you could have dinner and evening Christmas with her or something like that? My husband and I had been having Christmas with my parents, and a separate Christmas with his family anywhere in Dec or Jan (they aren't very close), but last year when we had a 11 month old I offered to have Christmas at our house and invited my parents. I thought I'd have to suffer through the guilt, because they still want to do it all themselves. As it turned out they enjoyed coming here (an hour drive) for Christmas enough to come again this year, and I suspect the Christmas tradition of presents and light lunch has been passed from their house to ours for now. Once my sister gets married it could be a hold nother kettle of fish, but I have to expect that and be flexible about it. The important thing is that we enjoy the holiday and our family without making it rushed and about presents and who slights who. Anyhow, my main point- do what is best for your children's holiday not your mom's.

[loveajax]

OMG, Nikki, this is so timely for me. I am already stressed about telling mom that it is not "her" thanksgiving this year, but MIL's. We trade off every year, but each gets "mad" when it's not their year!!

Last year for christmas, we celebrated 1) Christmas on Thanksgiving with my sister's family (don't get me started); 2) Christmas the weekend before with DH's brother and sister and family (they wanted to go skiing on Christmas...don't get me started); 3) Christmas Eve at my parents' house and 4) Christmas morning at my MIL's. And this year, you know what. I told DH that I'm not doing this again. I am going to ask him to ask his mom to do Christmas afternoon, not Christmas morning because I want to do the "nuclear family" thing. I am so sick of rushing around here there and everywhere. (WHEW!! Now if I really have the chutzpah to do it!).

Anyway, I think once you "lay down the law," people will just have to accept it. Are you sure we aren't twins (our moms have the "guilt" thing down pat!!!).

[melissa_bear003]

I was a single mom when I told my mother that I would no longer be going to her house Christmas eve - Boxing day. Holy flying purple fit, Batman. But, I stuck to it. It was more important that *I* did Christmas for my kids than did what she wanted.

Now, we live across country, so I don't have to deal with any of it at all.

[slugbug0930]

Anytime you combine families there is a potential for holiday conflict. DH and I have been married for 11 years now and have gotten really good at making comprimises and somehow managing to make everyone happy. DD is our first baby so we have always had to be the flexible ones and have always had to bend over backwards to make our families happy at the holidays....because it was easier for us to travel than for them to do so for some odd reason that I have yet to understand.

Usually we end up spending Christmas Eve with my parents as that is always when we have done the dinner thing and opened presents. Then drive to where ever DH's family is. Unless it falls during the week....then we make the weekend before trip to my parents. This year however we are going to be spending more time at home. My parents are coming to spend Christmas with us.....this is their first grandbaby and they wouldn't miss it for the world....I had the trump card on getting my way this year! My brother usually ends up having to work on Christmas (he works at a hospital and for some reason they just don't close up shop for holidays ) My parents have gotten used to not seeing him at Christmas or many other holidays.

We are lucky now that most of DH's family lives in the same town we do. Only his brother, SIL & their kids live out of town. I already told them flat out that we were not going to their house this year. So they are coming here to be with the rest of the family.

I think you & your DH are just going to have to put up a united front and say......this is how it is going to be. I know easier said than done.

Oh and other holidays we comprimise....we spend Thanksgiving with my parents and Easter with DH's. We started that right off the bat.

[aallen25]

Lovemy2boys- My family does Wagilia also! I've never met anyone else whose family does that!

We generally do Christmas with my family and Thanksgiving with DH's family. My family is in Pittsburgh/Ohio and his is in Detroit while we are in Georgia so there is no way we can share holidays.

[Fran27]

This year we told everyone we're not going anywhere... Too bad if MIL isn't happy. She can come over. Luckily all of dh's brothers are spread out in several parts of the country (except one who lives close), so it's unusual when we're all together for Holidays anyway. But again, dh is out of vacation days for this year so we don't really have a choice.