[danhanan]

Boy, I have always felt so lucky that no one wanted any stress over who was where for christmas. My M-I-L, God rest her soul, AND my mother would always ask the kids what worked best for eveyone. We always ended up having Chistmas with my in-laws on Christmas Eve. We have our time on Christmas morning and sometime late morning, my parents would come over to visit the kids and see what Santa brought. They were always invited over to watch the kids open their gifts but they never wanted to impose ...(as if???). My brothers and I all agreed to meet at my parents house by 2:00pm. I always thought though, that if any conflict arose, we would just plan on being home and anyone could stop by in the afternoon or we would make it a point to stop by their place at some other agreed upon time. We have been able to create our own traditions and we love to stick with them. We go to church Christmas Eve, then to the in-laws for a couple of hours. We drive home and then walk to a nearby street not too far from home where every house on the street is incredibly festive with

[nikkianni]

Lovea: Maybe there's a Mom Guilt Class or something. And it seems to mostly be directed at me. My brother did NOT get two nights of hassling for saying he was literally ditching Christmas this year to spend it with his girlfriend's family.
And all I suggested was we move the big family Christmas to a weekend!
I know this really makes my Mother sound awful and she's not. 360+ days of the year she's totally normal. Giving, caring, etc. For some reason she just loses it around the holidays.
She never had to share time with my Dad's family as they didn't do holidays much and I think it spoiled her. When I was a kid we went to church Christmas Eve, then played games, etc. Christmas morning was all about Santa and our little family, then Christmas afternoon at Grandma's and done. That was it.
Now she feels that's how I should be. Unfortunately, I have a husband who wants to see his family and that doesn't fit for her. And here we are.
Really I'd take even just Christmas morning at home with my family and then one event that afternoon.
*Sigh* I need to move at least five states away. That would be far enough to avoid all this.

[Yash]

I happen to know he didn't get two nights of harassment out of it. [/quote]

Ah, another perk of being a daughter and not the son.

[nikkianni]

Originally Posted by Yash

Ah, another perk of being a daughter and not the son.

Exactly!! Apparently being the one to plan every birthday, Mother's Day (even though I'm a mom now too) and family picture, being the classic oldest child and the responsible one is not enough. I have to give up my holiday with my family too in order to make her happy.
Meanwhile my brother goes trotting off and she gets a 10 minute case of the sniffles. Grrrrr.
I just got off the phone with DH and he's extremely ticked. And what can I say? He's right. My mother is causing no end of trouble and disrupting everything for our family. All because she's spoiled and selfish. There! I said it.
Montana's a nice state isn't it? Trees, mountains, no family for miles and miles.....

[EZ2Luv]

I used to have a magnet on my refridgerator that said,"My Mom works for a travel agent. She sends people on guilt trips" Yes daughters are the ones who get the worst of it. Anyhow, my Sweet Momma has been ill for the last 10 years and I would give my right arm to have her send me on one of those guilt trips. I may not have had guilt trips about Christmas, but they were there none the less.

Life is too short to stress over such things.

Parents should be understanding enough to know that this is your time now to create new traditions with your children. As long as you offer the older folks options to be include(inviting them to your house) you shouldn't have to be made to feel guilty. Christmas is for the family, but more so for the children.
In our family it has worked out well because we celebrate the eve and Christmas day there is no way I would leave my house. I do not believe it is fair to have to pull the kids away from their Christmas to satisfy an adult. Unless say they were inviting you over for a 5 pm dinner on Christmas day, but not having to rush out anytime before then. But that is just me and I am forunate that my parents understood this.

As far as Christmas, we always celebrated Christmas Eve at my Mom's then went to midnight services and was able to be home and do the Christmas morning thing with the kids. Momma and I were best friends and we always did the big Christmas Eve 7 different fish dinner prarations together. When momma was no longer able to host Christams Eve everyone started coming to my house so this is now the tradition.
Then they can either stay over and watch the kids open gifts or they return for a brunch. Christmas day is my day to rest. There is always tons of food and leftovers from the night before, the kids are occupied with their new gifts and it's time for Mommy to just chill and reflect on all that I am grateful for. Christmas day ends with us all visiting my SweetMomma at the nursing home.
My brother and Dh are VERY helpful Christmas day with cleaning up and yes we use paper plates that day too.

EZ

[megaphonemo]

We have always done DH's family for Christmas eve (could be fun, but they are LOADED, and we always feel totally poor when we leave) and my family for Christmas dinner - later in the day. Thanksgiving and other holidays we rotate...

Our problem lately is that no one wants to host, except one brother who is sort of crazy and has a cranky wife and strange kids.... And no one wants to go there. I went there one year, and the turkey was still running pink juices and my brother put it back in the oven for 10 minutes - and then served it up!! It was a 20 lb bird!!! (we avoided the turkey that year!) My older sisters seem to think that they have had their share of hosting or something, and one sister's kids have October birthdays, so she is always saying "I just had a party" - hello - that does not count!! Your kids b-day parties are not a holiday!!

I also come from a BIG family, and so does DH, all but one parent are gone, so typically you'd think that we'd spread out the hosting... But last year we did Thanksgiving (25 people!!) and christmas!! UGH!! I hoped to leave the October birthday party with T-day plans, but it did not even come up!!

This year, I am reallly not going to want to take the Bean from her toys, and Baby Cakes is mobile now, so that is hard at other peoples homes (I can babyproof my own tree, you know?)

Mega
Best of luck

[finallyamom0310]

So this is where I guess my family is normal. My brother and his family live in FL so we get to gether when we can. My DH's family on the other hand are all within 1/2 hour drive of each other. For years it was one family hosted Thanksgiving and another Xmas eve. Everyone got their own Xmas day to themselves for family traditions. Well a few years back we got the chance to host Xmas eve and have held onto that since. We love hosting it as we can drink and not drive. And we have neighbors that are like family (all of whom have no family in the area) that we include at our Xmas eve family party. Noone seems to mind.

Somewhere along the lines, when we all started having kids it was just understood that we all need Xmas day to ourselves.

I hope this works out for you Nikki and that you can come up with a permanent solution so that DD won't feel the effects each and every year. Hugs to you.

[aclee]

We have a Christmas with my Dad and Step Mom. This year we'll have TWO Christmases with them because my sister from FL is up at Thanksgiving so we'll do her presents then, and then exchange with my Dad/Step mom/Step sister and nephew closer to Christmas. Then we do Christmas AM as a family, dash to the inlaws for Christmas mid-day, then dash to my Mom's family in the afternoon/early evening on Christmas Day. So we'll have 5 present opening sessions here as well...and way, way, WAY too much food.

Christmas Eve we always spend with our Jewish friends because it seems like they have no where to go that night...They however typically drink too much (not saying that's a religous thing, it's just these friends) because we've over the years developed an adult version of the dredel game called Drinking Dredel. It's as much fun as it sounds. DH used to end up hung over on Christmas Day, but since DH can't drink now, shouldn't be a problem!

I'm huge into Christmas and this year is even that much better since Ty will be 11 months at Christmas and I think that's such a great age!!! WHOA...11 months. That scares me...he's so big.

[nikkianni]

Originally Posted by aclee

I'm huge into Christmas and this year is even that much better since Ty will be 11 months at Christmas and I think that's such a great age!

That's sort of why I got so annoyed about all of this. Christmas has always been my favorite time. I love to pick out the tree, shop for people, wrap presents, watch Christmas movies, decorate, bake...you name it. And with DD home, well, this is supposed to be the best part, you know?
And I feel like that's being stolen and that's not right. Now I just have to put my foot down, which I've never done with my Mother. At least not to this scale.

Finally: Thanks! Above all else I need to make everything right for DD. She deserves it.

[aclee]

Originally Posted by nikkianni

That's sort of why I got so annoyed about all of this. Christmas has always been my favorite time. I love to pick out the tree, shop for people, wrap presents, watch Christmas movies, decorate, bake...you name it. And with DD home, well, this is supposed to be the best part, you know?
And I feel like that's being stolen and that's not right. Now I just have to put my foot down, which I've never done with my Mother. At least not to this scale.

Finally: Thanks! Above all else I need to make everything right for DD. She deserves it.

Oh I get that! Christmas with my mother's family (a large, and very loud group) has always been my FAVORITE part of the year. Loud and yelling and wrapping paper and food and food and food, and hugs and I LOVE it. This year, my half sister is coming. She is married to a man from Pakistan (I have NO idea why they decided Christmas was the time to come visit!) so now all the sudden everyone is cancelling present opening, and anything else that resembles the Christmas we're used to. No way...I'm fighting tooth and nail. Christmas the same way it's always been! Love my sister, but why should we have to change our holiday because she converted to be Muslim?

I never dig in my heels like this, but I want Ty to have the memories I loved as a kid...Christmas isn't all about presents, but let's face it...it is PARTLY about presents...for the kids


As far a guilt...the in-laws OWN that category! Last year (when we were in the middle of adopting) MIL told me that she really hoped that next year we would "Stop all the craziness and just be a family on Christmas....AND STAY THE WHOLE DAY WITH THEM." Yeah...sorry but the longer we're at their house, the crazier *I* get so that really wouldn't work. She guilt trips us every year when it's time to leave to go to my families house...even though we're always there later than we say we will be, and his sisters are never on time in the AM...one year we were supposed to be there from 9-2, and his sisters showed up at 1:00 and WE were the bad guys cause we had to leave. Well I guess it wasn't that important to his sisters to see us if they couldn't get there on time. One of them actually cried and said she thought it wasn't fair that she couldn't spend Christmas with her brother anymore because he had gotten married! (They are both either close to, or over 30!) So then we stayed till 4:00 and missed almost all of my families gathering.

I told ALL the families when we got Ty that if people couldn't share us on each holiday, then they would get alternating holidays and not see us at all for some of them. Easter people didn't believe me, so we stayed home and didn't go anywhere (course then in laws showed up, knocking on the door, so they could "win")

SO...you had to get me started on the family and the holidays right?

[feelingreyt]

We always spend Christmas Eve with my dh's family. That is actually his mom's birthday! We kinda combine the two, she gets double the gifts, LOL!
We have Christmas morning at home with the kids. Then Christmas afternoon we have a big family dinner that includes both my mom's family and my dad's family.
It took alittle adjusting on my mom's part because Christmas Eve had always been the night we would exchange gifts with them and the grandkids would open their presents(that meant Christmas Eve night and Christmas day with my family and just a few hrs with dh's. NOT FAIR) That had to change when we had children(I was the last in my family to have children) so I told mom we were not rushing Christmas with dh's family anymore. Our children are their only grandchildren and they deserve some quality time too!

Thanksgiving Day is always with my family. We have Thanksgiving dinner with Dh's family on Friday. It works out perfect for us.

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by nikkianni

Please note the two whole hours I get every Christmas to have my Christmas. That used to be OK. Now that DD is in the picture, it's not. I want to start our own Christmas traditions of Santa Clause, milk and cookies, etc.
As it is, we're gone until late Christmas Eve and out the door by nine Christmas morning, not to return until late that night.
I tried to tell my Mom this but she just doesn't get it. I asked if maybe she'd consider moving the big family Christmas to another weekend to make it more convenient for everyone and she flipped all over again.
DH and I are actually considering not even spending Christmas Eve together so that we can cover both events. How sad is that? I used to love this holiday but every year it seems to get worse.
All of that (sorry) to say this: I can't be the only one who goes through this. What do you all do? How do you cope? I'd love some thoughts on this.

I really feel for you. I always joke that one of the best things I ever did for my sanity during the holidays was to move 28 hours away from my family. Now I mean that as a joke because I miss them terribly but it does really make life simpler. We're either here... or there. That said though, even before I had a family, my family was pretty good at being flexible about things in that, sometimes, if it was the "other" families (as in my sibs ILs, I married later so missed all the hoopla planning and complication) turn to have their celebration we would just find another time. Sometime it was weeks before. One year we even celebrated of Labor Day weekend because me and DH could be there. My Mom went to alot of trouble to even put up her tree, the stockings and decorate her house in September. It was great fun and what mattered was not how the tradition happened or when, but that it did.

That said, DH and I have really had to push for our own time from his family because we are ALWAYS the ones who have to travel to them so it takes away travel time as well. We just made it clear in the end and our responsibilities to our family (even as a family of two pre-kids) and our church (we are pastors) were first during Advent and on Christmas Eve and Christmas morning. We made our own traditions and then joined them early evening Christmas Day or even waited until Boxing Dad or (gasp!) celebrated on New Year's weekend. They ended up enjoying it because we did the hard work of breaking the "traditions" that all of them were trying to keep even though it was hard on their families too.

If you Mom doesn't get it, I would just let her know how important she is as a Mom to you and then relate that to how important you are as a Mom to your own child. You need to start your traditions, even if hers gets pushed back a little. We also learned that with a little one, you need your space anyway and staying at one place too long was always hard on our kids. Unless of course you have to travel a distance like we do, then you just have to say that this year we won't be there... can we get together at another time?

I understand that for some people they just "have to eat their lutefisk on Christmas Eve" (a reference to our time spent in a highly populated Scandinavian area) and nothing else suits. In that case, where there's no flexibility you have to decide how much it means to you to make your own traditions. If it means alot, then you might have to have some hard discussions or make some tough choices. I for one, have enjoyed making our own traditions but the "tradition" doesn't look the same way two times in a row. Last year, Santa came under the hotel room door to leave presents... and he found us in the Minneapolis airport on his way through to boot! DD thought that was absolutely the coolest thing that she crossed paths with him and he knew where she was even though she wasn't home! It was great fun! It's all in the spirit, not how it plays out. I hope that you can work this out in a way that suits everyone.

[lovemy2boys]

Originally Posted by aallen25

Lovemy2boys- My family does Wagilia also! I've never met anyone else whose family does that!

We generally do Christmas with my family and Thanksgiving with DH's family. My family is in Pittsburgh/Ohio and his is in Detroit while we are in Georgia so there is no way we can share holidays.

Yay! A fellow Pole

My Grandma used to have Wigilia at her house, then we would walk to St. Hyacinth's in Detroit for midnight mass (back when you could walk 10 houses to church and not get mugged or worse...). There is nothing better then midnight mass in Polish. I could cry with joy right now!

I loved breaking the opletek...I hated the pickled herring (pass on that, thank you very much!!!)

[nikkianni]

Originally Posted by aclee

SO...you had to get me started on the family and the holidays right?

Don't take this the wrong way, but I'm SO glad I'm not the only one.

[zxczxcasdasd]

Literally. Let it be. Then do what you decide for your family. Put your family unit above your mother's wishes. Over time, they will learn that they will have to work WITH you to enjoy time together at Christmas, but it will not be imposed on you on their terms only.

One year, after being fed up with trying to hit everybody's celebration, I just declared months in advance that we would spending Christmas in our own home and whomever wanted to join us was welcome, but we would not be going anywhere. It was great. People came here. We had fun.

My MIL also used to use anger and guilt to manipulate things they way she wanted them. When you oppose, you get the anger. BUT, we figured out that at the core, it's more important to her to have a close loving family and good relationship with us, so if we stand fast, she comes around and all is well. Now, she doesn't even try to impose her way because it doesn't work. We decide for ourselves and she respects that, because we've taught her that's how it is.

We've also devised a rotating system, which frankly is MUCH more relaxing. On alternating years, one family gets our full attention at Thanksgiving, and the other does at Christmas. This year, DH's family gets our dedicated time at Thanksgiving and my family does for Christmas. And within that, we take turns being the hostess, so we each enjoy having a chance to do things just the way we like them, and when it's not our turn, enjoy letting someone else have their way and taking advantage of the relaxation. My sis-in-law will enjoy hosting Thanksgiving and I'll enjoy sleeping in rather than getting up at 7am to butter up a turkey. ;p But, I'll host my family for Christmas here. In 2 yrs, when it's my family's Christmas again, my sister will host us for Christmas.

It's a good system. Everyone gets a turn being a host or being a guest. No one is doing the Holiday House-to-House Dash. Each family gets dedicated time on their holiday. I highly recommend it.