[WaitingforaBoy]

I'm just curious how everyone did with attachment after baby came home? Maybe I'm struggling with this now? Dh is constantly reminding me that the way I feel now with our 9 month old is the same way I felt when our 2 yr old was in the same phase. I think maybe I am just putting more pressure on myself because of the adoption. I'm rambling. But if anyone has any ideas to help with attachment that would be great.

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by WaitingforaBoy

I'm just curious how everyone did with attachment after baby came home? Maybe I'm struggling with this now? Dh is constantly reminding me that the way I feel now with our 9 month old is the same way I felt when our 2 yr old was in the same phase. I think maybe I am just putting more pressure on myself because of the adoption. I'm rambling. But if anyone has any ideas to help with attachment that would be great.

What do you mean? You are not attaching to baby? Baby is not attaching to you?

I remember being very nervous with my two bio sons--the joy of having them was almost overwhelmed by my concern about caring for their needs.

[WaitingforaBoy]

Sorry. I googled attachment afterwards and realized this could be confusing! I mean me attaching with baby. I feel so guilty about this too. But I'm trying to be honest with myself so I can work through all my feelings sooner rather than later.

[startedover]

waiting
I think what you are feeling is TOTALLY normal. I felt quilty because when my bio kids were born I fellt immediately attached to them. (years of planning and 9 month pregnancy helped). WHen we were told of our dd, we only had 5 days to get us to everything. The idea of another child, the idea of adoption, the idea of potential contact for 18 years with another family. So , even though I DID LOVE her and wanted to protect her, I didn't fall in love right away. And even after I fell in love there was a periond (I think about 8-10 months) that when our lives had calmed back down and gotten "normal" that I worried that the love was different from the first two. My dd didn't seem to need me as much as my bio's did. (They were breast feed) . She was happy no matter who consoled her when she was hurt. I begin questioning why she didn't want me when she had a need to be met. That passed very quickly when she developed the need to make me melt when she learned to give kisses and hugs and eventually say luv ooooo. Then by 1`3 or 14 months she started wanting ME when she had a need. I believe in my heart that I loved her as much as my first two right before then, but now I love her in the same way. you know the , "I would lay down and die for you feeling." But in some ways the way I love her feels (stronger is not the word I want to use) more unique. She came to us in such a unique way. Don't beat yourself up. Attachment will come. One thing I did learn during that time.... Make sure you are not expierencing depression. That can make you feel different, without making you actually depressed. I know many people that went through that.

[Leigh131313]

I believe in some aspects of attatchment parenting. Not everything - I'm not saying it's for everyone either!! But I FIRMLY believe in holding babies - like constantly when possible. I also think it's a good idea to limit other people's contact especially in regards to meeting the needs of the baby (ESPECIALLY early on)

I also think if you are having troubles - fake it til you make it!! It takes time to bond - and that's ok! If you are really concerned, perhaps seek councelling? But it sounds to me like this is more about pressure you are putting on yourself than a lack of care or concern for you babe Take it easy on yourself!!!

[jalapeno]

I'm no attachment specialist. But I do know that "bonding" was different with each of my kids. I felt an instant attachment to my middle child (even though he was asleep!). With my DD it took months (of course now she's the heartbeat of my life!). I don't think I "attached" to my bio son in the womb like some people say they do. When I first saw him I thought he looked weird (unfamiliar I suppose because he looked nothing like my other kids). But I was pretty well hooked soon after that. On the other hand, DH was really connected with our DD from the getgo. And it took him months to really feel the bond with our bio son.

It's fascinating to me how human relationships work. I actually think my middle son and I are most alike in personality and he's the one I felt the instant connection to. My daughter and I are most dissimilar and it took me longer to connect with her. But then some of the most meaningful and long lasting relationships of my life have been with people I didn't particularly get along with at first (including my DH and a good friend I've had for 20 years). Go figure!!

Best of luck!!

[minibus]

I think the "fake it til you make it" advice is the best. I worried about this when my children first came home and still worry about it sometimes, especially when they're having a hard time and screaming and pushing me away. I never had that "instant bond" ... when people describe "I looked into his/her eyes, and I knew that he/she was meant to be mine" kind of thing. For me, it hasn't been a "falling in love", heart-pounding kind of thing, but more like a thing that's slowly progressing to "it's meant to be ... and meant to be forever". I do try to reflect on all the things I love about the kids at night (when they're ASLEEP and QUIET) and I realize how much I love them.

[angelkisses0102]

A4everFamily.org - HOME has some great activities to help with attachment...either way...baby to you or you to baby.

I struggled to attach to my DS...but he struggled to attach to me as well...so we had a long road. But it is perfectly normal...just that you recognize it and want to work on it is major and a great sign that all will be well eventualy

Hang in there and all the best.

[Stormster]

You've gotten some great advice on this thread. I too felt like a "babysitter" until around the 7th month....didn't help that DS is a major self-soother, independent by nature and not a whiner or needy in the least (all great things NOW but then, just felt rejecting)

Now in his 14th month I feel we are "one" I say his first nine months were like a pregnancy where we danced around each other and got used to the idea! But I acted "as if" so he would never know the difference.

Very important to talk about it....btw our bond is based on getting to know each other, kind of like friends! I'm the one that knows what he wants, needs, how to tickle him, what sounds make him laugh....that sort of thing which can take time!

[Leigh131313]

Storm - I've always meant to ask you about something I've suspected, and I'd like your thoughts on it. Do you ever think your strong thoughts on his birthmom being "another mom" kept you from taking on your role fully in the beginning? Hearing your story/posts, I've often wondered.

[Stormster]

There were several factors....that for sure was one. Also scary hospital stay out of state.... and I had a chronic cough (which I now think may have been related to nerves) so I couldn't hold him much or sing to him for the first 5 months. Also participating (and yeah I was really involved) in the birth was confusing to me.

But my primary thing was fear based on our failed placement which happened just 7 months prior. Add no counseling and new mom exhaustion to the mix and I was just shut down. I don't think I mourned "Ryan" until well after E was born.

All that combined with a very independent baby!

BTW E truly is independent and his personality was not effected by my own issues. He never would have known BELIEVE ME and we had the MOST nurturing woman in the world helping me care for him. He was ALWAYS held even if I was coughing (a bit defensive LOL)

[Leigh131313]

OH gosh storm - no need to feel insecure!!!!!!!!! Every new mom has their "stuff" to work out - adoptive or not!!! I have absolutely NO DOUBT that none of that effected E...

I was just talking about what was going on your heart, ya know?

[Stormster]

Well yeah....in my heart I didn't feel like I was his mom....I mean I had just watched his mother give birth to him kwim?

Complicated!

PS Didn't help that it was the instrument I cut his cord with that gave him staph! Talk about guilt!

Anyhoo, now things are perfect so I will dwell right here in perfect land for as long as possible.

[finallyamom0310]

Attachment for everyone really is different. I bonded and attached with my daughter before she was mine. I just knew in my heart it was meant to be.

Recently however, after talking about the boards with my DH, I found out that he just now feels attached to her. He has loved her since day one, don't get me wrong. However, he was dealing with health issues her first year and so the bodn between her and I was so strong that he felt left out. Now that he is home with her 2 days a week their bond is growing and the attachment is finally there.

Be patient, be there and it will come when the time is ready.

[MissS]

I typically post over on foster care and adoption, but since our DD's adoption was finalized in September, I "allowed" my self in

We now have DD's half brother with us as a foster situation, and I was so excited to have a newborn in the house that I thought would stay with us forever, (which may still be the case-fingers crossed) but his arrival was chaotic, and my adjustment to 2 kids along with his startling cry that sounds like a cat choking/dying was enough to cause a chasm between he and I. I started to resent him from keeping me from my beautiful, just adopted 17 month old, who I would, as someone mentioned earlier, "lay down and die for." I also just didn't seem to really "care" for him either, as much as respond to his basic needs.

He's only 7 weeks old now, but I feel like we're moving forward, and really getting to know each other better. I'm so glad to know I'm not the only one, foster or adoptive, that didn't immediately bond.

It seems like such a simple thing, but it really felt like a horrible secret...
those of you in the "fake it till you make it" camp, do you tell anyone your misgivings, or are you "faking" it all the way around?

Good luck to all, we can only grow and learn from these experiences!