[maxkinzie]

Hi,
I need some objective feedback, please.
DH has a good and fairly secure job, out of town, we see him on sundays. This job moves an additional few hundred miles away for a year, in the spring. We would see him even less than we do now. Pay is GOOD and the job is not likely to "go away"! (allows me to be home with DD)

I'm so tempted to say "NO" when asked what I think about it, but even having a job seems to count for a lot these days.

I guess I want to know that it can be done, well. DD will miss him (she's almost 4), so will I. Is this a set up for her feeling "abandoned" by him (this was a huge issue for me growi9ng up)?

I know there's lots of Dad/Moms off fighting a war who don't see family for a lot longer, who don't really have a choice. I am fortunate to have a say in the issue, I realize this.

I am so torn between being greatful that he has a job, and suggesting that his being around physically for this year is more important.

Clear as mud? sorry...I woke up last night worrying about the right thing to do, dont' usually lose sleep over decisions!

thanks for any insights....

[powderpiggy]

Can you move to his new job location, even temporarily so that you can see each other more.

It would be an issue for me? You make an analogy that folks serving oversea's see their children less, and while that may be true, there are also plenty of divorced parents that both spend more time with their children then you are describing.

Whatever works for you and your family is up to you, but IMHO I would see if there was a way I could move closer for the next year. If you own your own home, you could rent it out while getting and apt in the town where DH works.

[melissa_bear003]

Honestly, we'd all lose our minds. Dh, kids and I. Our family can't hack that kind of seperation. Heck, dh gets twitchy if he misses bedtime 2 nights in a row.

I'd probably look into moving with him for the year. I know my family would be completely miserable in a long distance situation.

[minibus]

You have to decide what's right for you. I couldn't do it, but then again, I couldn't do what you're doing right now! What's worse - him spending less time with your family or possibly having a less secure, less well paying job? You having to go back to work?

In terms of the impact on your daughter, I think that kids can handle a LOT. She'll take her cues from you. If you're not ok with it, then she won't be ok with it.

If he does take this job, then consider Skype or some similar thing - where she can talk with him via webcam and/or on the phone inexpensively.

[Saya]

In our situation right now, DH's job has him away 3 nights every week. So kind of like what you've got now, but not quite so bad.

We could NOT do what your DH's company is now asking. Really, 3 days gone every week is hard enough. We hate it. Him being away a whole year - well I know for a fact he wouldn't do it. He hates not being there for our daughter even part of the week, and he'd never willingly be away for such a long time.

If my husband HAD to take a position like that, either we'd try to find a way for us to all to move there temporarily, or more likely he would leave his job, and maybe be a SAHD for a while while we tried to figure out the future, and I'd try to support the family on my salary.

All that said, I know that lots of families do successfully pull off that kind of separation.

Would his company be willing to transfer him to another position that will not be moving?

[startedover]

Is it possible that his job would let him work one day from home? Or possibly 40 hours in 4 days? You would be surprised that sometimes if you just ask, it is possible.

[shy_bear]

My DH is in the military. He was in a very deployable job, but then got picked up for a job that is nondeployable. We choose for him to stay in the nondeployable position; him being here with the kids is much more valuable than all the money in the world. Granted he does work long hours, but if the kids have an activity or something going on at school he is there. He is always at A.'s med appts and weekly PT. As others have said you have to do what is right for your family. Have you and him sat down and talked about your options?

[angelkisses0102]

My DH just started a job 1200 miles away four weeks ago. He is gone either Sunday through Thursday or Monday through Friday...although he did not come home this past weekend so that he could take DS to therapy the day he left and so that he will be home for the Halloween parade at school Friday morning. He was able to work out taking DS to one of his therapies on Monday mornings at least a couple of times a month.

For us, it was a God sent job as DH has been unemployed or underemployed for about the last 18 months....now that was horrible. My kids are 5 and 7 and are in K and 2nd grade...and I work full time as well. It is hard, very hard as I only have one relative I can count on to help me out.

But we are slowly getting a system worked out...a new normal and the kids are adapting. My DS (5) has some special needs so we were concerned about him...but he is adapting typically.

We are in a part of the country that has been hit hard and early by the economy...DH went from having a good six figure income (I was at home with DS) to making $10 an hour in retail...to getting $275 a week in unemployment. Based on our experience...having a job, no matter where the job is...is worlds better than worrying about how you are going to feed your kids and keep the electric on or if you are going to lose your home to foreclosure (both of which we have been faced within the past year.)

While it may be an adjustment...if the job is good and allows you to stay at home...I would guess you'll be able to make it work. Just this morning...I climbed on a ladder and changed the smoke alarm battery that decided to die at 4:30am (and beep that ear piercing beep.) And I am afraid of heights and we have really high ceilings...but I have to say I am quite proud of myself.

Good luck in your decision.

[HappyTwinsMom]

For about five months in 2006, my husband worked out of town (about two hours driving time away) and we saw him on his two days off a week. But...he worked Wednesday through Sunday (night shift) and I worked Monday through Friday (day shift). So I literally didn't see him. It did NOT work for us. Giving up my job was not an option - it paid/pays MUCH better than DH's and provides excellent benefits. He wound up quitting and finding a slightly lesser paying job in our city.

You have to do what works for you. Given our experience - and the fact that you're a SAHM - I would recommend moving to where he'll be working. But that's just my opinion - and certainly not necessarily the right answer.

Good luck!

[feelingreyt]

I would think about moving closer to his job.
In my opinion, it is very important for families to be together as much as possible. My kids would be lost if they only seen their daddy once a week. I'd be lost too, as would dh.
I know money is tight and jobs are hard to come by these days. It's not an easy decision to make. But if the job is one he really likes and the pay is good, then I would seriously consider relocating.

[mandirenee]

My husband had a job before kids where he worked 12 hours or more a day. We had hoped that I would be a stay at home mom when we had kids. But we choose for me to stay working and him take a job with 40 hours a week. In my opinion, It's better to have 2 parents at home every night for dinner and active in the child's life than never seeing one parent. It would NOT work for us and I wouldn't recommend it.

Whatever happens...BEST OF LUCK!!!

[Celesyee]

In addition to his 2hour commute roundtrip everyday, DH works about 90hrs a week with a combination of him working at the office, off island, and at home, but even when he's working from home...he's not here if you KWIM. We see him for an hour during dinner and maybe one breakfast on the weekends.

We talked about him changing companies where it wouldn't be so demanding (though he'd still have to work some weekends and evenings), but it would mean taking a HUGE pay cut. A HUGE pay cut would mean I would have to return to work and Devin to a sitter. As a social worker, my income would probably barely cover sitter fees. Given the economy's current situation, DH decided to stay with his job as he has a great salary, benefits, and job security.

Sometimes we have to do what we need to do. Maybe if DH decides to follow though you and him can explain it to DD in a way she can understand. And then maybe follow up with regular contact through webcam. Or send special post cards and letters to each other. Or when he will be around, it should only be FUN and no errand-running.

Good luck in your decision.

[Fran27]

I would have moved with him when he got the job in the first place. But I agree with everyone, I'd move closer for the year.