[adobe1234]

I am skeptical when people say if you stick with the adoption process, eventually you will adopt a child. You see after years of unsuccessful IF treatments, I've heard it all before. When you're pregnant and make it through the first trimester, they tell you you have a 95% chance of delivering. But at 16 weeks I found out I was in the 5% of unfortunate individuals. Statistics just don't matter if you are the unlucky one. So what is the truth about adoption? It really annoys me when people find out you are unable to have biological children and try to comfort you by saying you can always "just" adopt. Am I being overly sensitive and pessimistic or just realistic when I inform people that adoption is much like the world of IF treatment -- there are no guarantees of success...and plenty of opportunities for heartache.

[aclee]

I think as long as you protect yourself financially from losing so much money you can't afford to adopt, then yes, everyone is able to adopt. The only people that I know that have been unable to adopt are people who have lost large sums of money in disruptions, so they were unable to continue.

[Lilly's Mommy]

I agree with you that there are plenty of opportunities for heartache, but also am of the opinion that if you press on with adoption you WILL become a parent, and then, any heartaches suffered will be worth it. That was certainly our experience.

Those who are telling you "just adopt" may think the process is easy, but they are wrong. Anyone who says that has never adopted.

It isn't easy, but it is up to you. If you choose to go for it, you WILL become a mommy. It's just a matter of time.

***

BTW, I second Aclee's point. Don't go with an agency that charges large fees upfront or doesn't apply funds toward a future match if a failed match or placement were to occur.

[finallyamom0310]

We chose adoption before trying IVF. When it didn't work and we had a set amount of finances to allocate to another try or to adoption we chose adoption as we felt that the money would allow us to be parents more successfully than IVF. We were successful. We went with an agency and although we were matched at birth, funds were not at risk for a match unless if was for EMom expenses.

[HappyHopefulMommy]

I really wish growing our families was not so hard at times. But, don't give up. There are several people on here that were never "chosen" by a expectant mom, but because they were longest waiting, they were eventually picked by the agency. I think most agencies have that. Because some e moms do not want to pick so the agency picks the longest waiting. Hang in there, I think if you know your family is not complete, then it will happen.

[Ann07]

I agree with what everyone else has said. If you want to be a parent it WILL happen. There is a baby or child out there.

Also, if you are worried about the birthparents picking there is always international adoption. Now, from what I understand this can have its ups and downs also, but you are not chosen by the birthparent....

Don't give up, you will become a parent!

[Saya]

I am very sorry about the losses you have experienced.

I do believe that it will happen eventually. But choose your agency VERY CAREFULLY. As aclee said, you don't want to be paying all your money on an adoption that doesn't happen. And you want to know that the agency gives preference to clients that have been waiting a long time. And in my opinion beyond those issues, you want to make sure that the agency is ethical, trustworthy, and respectful to both prospective adoptive parents and prospective birthparents.

Also, if anyone ever says to you again "you can just adopt," I and everyone else here give you permission to slap them hard upside the head. Adoption is HARD. It is stressful. It is not for the faint-of-heart. But I can say that moving from fertility treatments to adoption wasthe best thing I ever did. Of course hindsight is 20-20 - if my adoption had taken 5 years I'm sure I'd be singing a different tune! But we are paperchasing for #2, and I'm going into it with a sense of confidence that it will happen eventually - and I believe it will for you too.

[SupaModel]

I totally get what your saying! I never thought it was gonna work out for us. I felt like we would never get chosen. Well it happened and much faster than I could have dreamed.

It will happen for you. Your baby is out there coming home to you!

[Fran27]

I totally relate. I was sure we would never get chosen (and I was right). I kept imagining that the agency would close before we got matched, or they would stop getting situations etc... In our case we put $5000 upfront, but we knew we wouldn't lose much money if a match failed, so we were ok with it... It was more a sure thing that throwing more money out of the window with IVF.

We waited almost two years. The day we got the call I was sure it was never going to happen, so much in fact that I had totally stopped thinking about adoption for a year... Turns out they had a family that didn't want to choose the adoptive parents, and we were the family willing to adopt twins who had been waiting the longest.

So needless to say... It's totally worth it. But I'm sure some people give up, and never get chosen... In another agency, with fewer situations, and less hospital contacts, we would probably still be waiting. But we were not open to special needs at all, and only to a CC child... and we're not religious, I'm not American, we have a tiny house, and I looked very young when we started (even though I was 27), so there were quite a few things working against us.

[jp4ga]

Our journey took a long time. But that was because we started with foster to adopt. Once we hired an adoption consultant we adopted in about 8 months. Adoption takes time and research. Make sure you keep your options open. My husband and I gave up on adoption and started spending our adoption fund. We then got the call. Thankfully we had not spent all of the money we had saved.

[startedover]

I prayed for my dd for 10 years, then excepted for the next two years the fact that it didn't appear we would ever have another child. Didn't feel like God was saying "NO" but I was getting no answer. Little did I know that when it would happened it would be a 5 day process. His time frame was just a little different than mine.

[journeytolily]

Well, I'm one of those people who say if you don't give up on adoption, you WILL get your child.

But it's not an easy road. You have to prepare yourself for being in it for the long haul. Sometimes it ends up happening very quickly. Sometimes you have to change course during the journey. The whole process is unpredictible and full of ups and downs.

As others have mentioned, you need to spend some time researching all types of adoptions. You need to research agencies, or other professionals. Is international adoption better for you? Or domestic?

Take the time you need to find out as much as you can - it will be time well-spent, and could end up saving you heartache, and money! Then, jump in with both feet, ride the waves, and eventually you will become a parent!

[mrskt]

Like a PP, we were not chosen in the end - we were the last standing... with THREE previous failed matches (2 we were chosen in, 1 we were longest waiting on the list). And two miscarriages before that. I've been where you are. The day we walked into orientation at our agency, and the CEO of the agency looked at us and said - "you are here because we can help you, we've already looked at what we need to know, and it's not a matter of if, it's a matter of when".... well, I bawled... along with every other female in the place! And though it was tough, and there were definitely rough days, it was worth it in the end.

I can honestly tell you - I didn't "feel" the first three matches. And there was a reason - none of them were MY child. My daughter is absolutely the most exhausting thing I've ever lived through, but she's also the most amazing, and she's absolutely MINE! But I had to wait for her to come along, in her time. When we looked back at our wait, just as we were being approved, she was being conceived, in really unfortunate circumstances. I prayed every night that where ever our baby and her (yes, hoping for a girl) mother were in the world, that God would please take care of them, and let that mom know that we were there waiting to love her child - and I truly believe that He did. There were too many ugly things that she should not have survived safely otherwise - and she's perfect (even with reflux!)

It's okay to have bad days... you just have to keep trudging and know that sooner or later, YOUR day is going to come up.

From a practical standpoint - I would suggest going the route of an agency... that way you are on the "list" so to speak, and even if you by some chance aren't "picked" by a parent, sooner or later you will be the longest standing - and there WILL be a baby waiting for YOU.

Best wishes, and lots of HUGS!