[nee18]

Our DS is only a few months old so we are still figuring out our relationship with our DS's birthmom (we have an OA). We had a quick match, so we didn't have a lot of time to build a relationship with her before he was born. She was always very clear from the beginning, though, that she wants DS to know that my DH and I are our DS's parents and that we are to be called mom and dad. She did not want to be called mom by our son. I was glad she said that on her own because it showed us that she really accepted our role as his parents. However, that was before his birth, and, while I truly have no reason to think anything has changed, I've been hesitant to call ourselves 'mom and dad' when talking to her, simply because I don't want to hurt her. I assume she's still grieving at least somewhat from the adoption and I don't want to put "salt in the wound." However, he's our son and we're his parents and it's getting kind of awkward and challenging to talk around being mom and dad when talking with her. I know I'm probably overthinking things, but I just want to be sensitive to how his birthmom is feeling. Did anyone else feel this way? How did you handle it? Sorry to ramble, we are just starting to figure out our OA situation. It does help to read the other thread and see that other people seem to feel a little awkward too when trying to establish a relationship with their child's birth family. I thought it would feel more natural than this, but I guess it takes time like any other relationship. Any advice would help a ton!

[paigeturner]

I hope it’s ok if I put my 2 cents into your thread. I’m not an adoptive parent nor am I in an open adoption. Having said that, it does sound like you’re over thinking – and don’t most of us over think when we’re out of our comfort zone? I know I do! Your son’s birth mom chose YOU to be his parents. I’m sure it is awkward. Have you considered just talking to her about it? Most of us (first parents) are tough. We’re resilient. Most of us can handle an uncomfortable conversation. I imagine that she’s on pins and needles as well. She’s probably afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing just as you are.

IMO bringing things out into the open put potential misunderstandings to rest.

[kakuehl]

I do think it takes time. I had a closed adoption so I can't really be much help, except to tell you that for me, R and S who adopted D, are his parents, his mom and dad. It's sort of funny, because to me he is my son (my firstborn) but they are his parents. I don't know if that makes sense to you, but it works for me!

Do remember that she knows you are mom and dad. That doesn't mean it's always easy. I would recommend referring to yourself as mom when it seems natural. Recognize that she may always feel a connection with him, that doesn't take away from your relationship with him. This is not a competition. It seems to me that the child's life can be enriched by having all of you in his life, but you are the parents who are raising him. This is not about co-parenting. I do encourage you to try to keep any promises you have made to her. I wish you well on your journey!

[startedover]

I had the same "feelings". I still do and for the same reasons you do. Of course I know I am mom and dad but I don't want to remind her of that. She even made it easy when she met our daughter at one and my dd reached back for me after she held her and she said "you read to go back to momma". That made me feel so good. BUt I still find myself side stepping calling her my my daughter to her. I think it it normal, but we need to get past that before our little ones are old enough to feel our awkwardness around them.

[portlowski]

I can relate. I felt very much the same way. My son is now 21months old and when we have visits with his bmom I usually say something like, "rememebr S? She is the other lady in the world who loves you as much as mommy does. You were in her tummy and she was your very first mommy." My son is too young to understand it but I feel that this is a way to acknowledge their special bond and her role. But I still refer to her as "S" in his presence. S has begin to refer to me as DS's "mommy" when we are together.

It is good that your are thoughtful and considerate of your son's birthmom's feelings but also realize that you are not responsible for her feelings. She knows the decision that has been made and that you are now the parent.

My son's bmom and I have developed a relationship where we can talk openly about our feelings. I recently asked if it was difficult to see little guy calling me mommy. She said it was but that she was also happy that we have bonded so closely. We talked about it quite a bit and it helped bring us closer together.

Congrats on being a new mommy!

[Stormster]

Originally Posted by startedover

I had the same "feelings". I still do and for the same reasons you do. Of course I know I am mom and dad but I don't want to remind her of that. She even made it easy when she met our daughter at one and my dd reached back for me after she held her and she said "you read to go back to momma". That made me feel so good. BUt I still find myself side stepping calling her my my daughter to her. I think it it normal, but we need to get past that before our little ones are old enough to feel our awkwardness around them.

Same.

But then I realized, it's not really fair to DS to not step up to the plate and FULLY be mom in all situations. I wouldn't go OUT of my way to say MY son or whatever in front of her but I think it's important to be natural and consistent in his presence if that makes sense?

Actually I got YELLED at once for being self conscious by his birth mother. She kept telling me "you're his mom!" so of course that helped a lot. Who knows maybe she appreciated the sensitivity but at the end of the day the child needs a mom who's not afraid to say it.

[Whirled_Peas]

Although we briefly met our bmom, she is choosing not to have contact at this time, so my situation is a bit different.

What I am finding is I have no doubts I am mom. On the other hand, when I talk about the bmom to people who don't know her first name, I refer to her as "the mom." I'm slowly making myself refer to her as the birthmom only because I think it makes more sense in conversation. Other people who haven't been involved in adoption may not understand all the underlying emotions and why I would still call her "the mom." Or, they may think it lessens my role. Who knows. Eventually I will get comfortable referring to her as bmom. Although once I do, Murphy's Law says that's when she'll want contact and I'll have to figure it all out again. (LOL)

I do think Stormster is right. You should do what is best for your child and just get comfortable with it from use.

[aclee]

Originally Posted by nee18

Our DS is only a few months old so we are still figuring out our relationship with our DS's birthmom (we have an OA). We had a quick match, so we didn't have a lot of time to build a relationship with her before he was born. She was always very clear from the beginning, though, that she wants DS to know that my DH and I are our DS's parents and that we are to be called mom and dad. She did not want to be called mom by our son. I was glad she said that on her own because it showed us that she really accepted our role as his parents. However, that was before his birth, and, while I truly have no reason to think anything has changed, I've been hesitant to call ourselves 'mom and dad' when talking to her, simply because I don't want to hurt her. I assume she's still grieving at least somewhat from the adoption and I don't want to put "salt in the wound." However, he's our son and we're his parents and it's getting kind of awkward and challenging to talk around being mom and dad when talking with her. I know I'm probably overthinking things, but I just want to be sensitive to how his birthmom is feeling. Did anyone else feel this way? How did you handle it? Sorry to ramble, we are just starting to figure out our OA situation. It does help to read the other thread and see that other people seem to feel a little awkward too when trying to establish a relationship with their child's birth family. I thought it would feel more natural than this, but I guess it takes time like any other relationship. Any advice would help a ton!

This could have been about DH and I Except Tyler was a baby born, so we met M only minutes before we met him (he was in the nursery)...anyway, for us, it was nearly the same. She was very solid in her choice (still seems to be) and she asked that when we send pictures to write what it was on the back of them...which I thought was such a great idea...give her a little story on each pictures, so I do that most of the time. On the pictures of do write, Tyler with Daddy, or the Callahan family, if it is all of us. I asked her if what I wrote was OK and she said it was perfect. Her parented children also look at the pictures, and they like to read that Ty is with Mommy or Daddy or whatever. M will say, I love the picture of Ty and Daddy laying on the blanet etc. On our picture website I have pictures of Ty in the hospital and when we were out to dinner with both his Bparents. The pictures say, this is Ty with M, his bmom...or something similar. She has access to that page and loves those pictures. She signs her letters to us, as just M, and the letters to Ty, which I save in his box as M and R, your bparents.

So to make a long story short, I think that part of the transistion does depend on the bmom also. She is after all a part of this whole experience! It sounds like you are in a position where she has affirmed that you are his Mom, but not said what she prefers to be called, just not Mom. M and R demonstrated to us that they prefered bparents. If you aren't comfortable assigning her a name, ask her how she wants to be refered to and have a couple options. Her first name, bmom, first mom, natural mom...choose options that you are comfortable with though, so hopefully she doesn't end up choosing something you aren't!

Sounds like you are doing great and a lot of it is just practice My 8 month old has heard his adoption story about 100 times already. I think everytime is different. In the beginning I did cry when I told it, so I'm glad I have time now to work out the kinks of our relationship with M and R, and once Tyler really starts to understand all about it, it will just be what is...cause he will have heard it a million times before.

[redbonec]

Sometimes I go throught this too, and our daughter is 2 years old now! Same as you--our daughter's birthmother always referred to us as the mom and dad, even before our daughter was born.

Still, I find myself every once in a while trying to not to use the word "mommy" referring to myself TOO much when in conversation with her.

When our daughter was six weeks old, we met together at a mall. In a store was me, our daughter K, and K's birthmother. The store employee was oohing and ahhing over K, then looked at us and asked, "Who's the Mom?" I just stared for a second, then K's birthmother motioned to me and said "She is." I was relieved it was her that answered, and not me. I know I am Mommy, and yet still I felt it would have been awkward had I been the one who answered.

When I do send pictures once a month on Snapfish, I caption the photos, and since the beginning, I have written on some photos "...Mommy" or "Daddy..." and never gave it a second thought.

Something I said after K's first birthday I feel bad about. I was telling K's birthmother about her birthday party, and how "I finally got to decorate a birthday cake for MY daughter!" I do put the emphasis on MY because that is how I said it. Later, I realized that probably came out as sounding "mine, not yours" the way I said it. However, I was meaning that in the last several years, I had made birthday cakes for other people's children (which she knew), and finally it was not another friend's cake, but ours, as a finally being a parent.

Something now that I feel a little weird about, and like you said, maybe I am over thinking things too, is that our last two visits, and probably this one coming up this weekend, K is very much into me, Mommy. At home, when Daddy tries to do something for K, the response is "No, Mommy do it." It happened some during our visit in June with K's birthmother. I would try to get K to do something with her birthmother, and sometimes out came, "No, Mommy do it."

So, I know that K's birthmother has expressed many times that she is happy K is with us, and always referrs to us as Mommy and Daddy, and yet I still don't overstate "Mommy" so much in conversation with K's birthmother. I don't know if that's right or wrong, but it is what I do.

Best wishes to you and your family!

[nee18]

Thanks for everyone's great input. I think what it comes down to is a couple of things: I need to have more confidence in our son's birthmom that she made the best choice for her and DS and I need to start communicating with her more about how our relationship will be. Outside of our initial conversation when we were matched, we've never had a conversation about figuring out our OA relationship now that DS is home with us. Stormster, you are so right that I need to be a mom to DS in ALL situations, including around his bmom. And, the more I think about it, if I were her, I would want to know that my son's AParents and family fully claimed and attached to my son. However, I realize that my main problem is that I can't think about how I would feel if I were her, because I'm not, which is why I plan on just talking with her. It may be a little awkward at first, which is probably why I've been avoiding it, but it's the right thing to do for all of us involved, especially our DS. Like aclee said, I would love to work out the "kinks" so that our OA can "just be what it is." Thanks again for the great advice everyone!

[Momto1human-2furry]

You are mom and if your baby's b.mom is clear you are mom.....i would say you could refer to your self as "mom" to b.mom .All the best,.

[Dickons]

One adoptee's point of view.

My mom and dad are who raised me. My mother and father are who gave me life. The titles mom and dad and all that is part of being a mom and dad, are completely reserved for who raised me, loved me, took care of me, have always been there for me, will always be there for me.

Give yourself a break and wear that title with pride, your childs birth parents want you to be the parents they could not be for whatever reason, despite the pain. Talk to them, tell them you never want to hurt them, but want to call yourself what you are...mom and dad.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[jren]

We always called ourselves mom and dad around our DD. But in letters to DD's birthmom, I phrased sentences to avoid that term - just wasn't necessary and didn't want to hurt her. When we were all together, I would say "come here" to DD instead of "come to Mommy". It just felt right in that situation at that time.

I did recently and for the first time use the term "mommy" in a letter b/c I was quoting something cute DD said - she is almost 5 years old.

[finallyamom0310]

It is difficult to do but for me it got easier as I became more comfortable in the role as DD's Mom. We have also agreed that DD will get to chose what she calls her BMom so when we talk in letters and such we all refer to her as our daughter and take it from there. I have to say that once we were through finalization it became natural.

[loveajax]

I am trying to think of a context when I have used the word "mom" or "mama" (which is what DD calls me). And I think in my last update letter, I was quoting a really cute story and included that. (I also have never had occasion to use the word "birth mother" with DD"s birth mom....?!). Of course, at the last couple of visits, DD has called me "mama." I have to say it is kind of awkward, because I know it must be hard on DD's birth mom. I also at visits find myself sort of "foisting" DD on her birth mom because I know they have such little time together.

The reality is is that as others have said, your child's birth mom WANTS you to be "mom." As hard as it may be on birth parents, I think that they (by and large) don't want us to be parenting with an asterisk or a space between us and our child. I think they want our children to be fully enveloped in our lives.

I had a lot of "guilt" after DD was born that I am still trying to deal with. It is hard to know that your greatest joy came at someone else's loss. But it is so important to fully embrace the "mom" role for your child's sake!! Believe me, it gets a lot easier with time...

Good luck to you!!!