[Stormster]

Love that is AWESOME!!! I didn't even THINK about him cooking for me!

[joskids]

We have adopted 4 times - 2 girls, 2 boys. I generally felt that I wanted a girl but the first 2 adoptions ended up being boys and I could NOT POSSIBLY love them more. The next 2 adoptions ended up being girls, the last adoption was the only one where we specified "girl" because we wanted our daughter to grow up with a sister (as she would have had in her bio family). Funny how it always works out exactly the way it was supposed, and generally NOT the way we intended.

As for specifying -- every one of us has a right to be specific about the child we want to adopt. By that, I don't mean specifics like eye color or hair color (none of my adopted children look like me and I love that they are all different). What I mean is that there are reasons some folks don't want to adopt older, waiting children and they are good reasons (for them). There are excellent reasons we were open to any race but CC (because we are an interracial couple and both of us have very diverse families).

The biggest issue I have with this board is when others start telling people what they should and should not be doing in their own adoptions -- like whether being a stay-at-home mother is best or whether being in an open or closed adoption is best.

All 4 of our children would be considered "special needs", because they are not CC. All of them are beautiful, bright and reasonably healthy and the light of our lives. But that was OUR choice, and not necessarily someone else's.

I do think, though, that when we specify that a child should have red hair and green eyes (just like us), somehow we are losing sight of what adoption means and, if we get THAT specific, maybe we shouldn't be adopting at all.

Just my thoughts. For what they're worth . . .

Josie

[marcav]

So it is in this "thinking" that people prefer girls because "girls stay with their parents...even after marriage, etc, a girl stays with her family where a boy goes with his wife to her family so having a girl means she is yours forever and when a boy grows up, he moves on."

I originally wanted a girl, but after the third time of getting an offer and having something go awry, I accepted my dreamboat son. I think the above quote speaks to some of the fears I had. In my Irish family the slogan was, "A son is a son till he takes him a wife; a daughter is a daughter for the rest of her life." And that seems to have borne fruit in my family of origin. My sisters are to my mother like butter on toast, yet my married brother's in-laws trump our family every time (and they live in Jordan )

I was also concerned that that as a single, older, white mom a son would suffer from not having a role model of the same sex as a parent. I am still concerned about that, but at least he has a lot of uncles. On the other hand I did not appreciate how much time and effort I would have had to put into caring for a daughter's hair, if she was AA as is my son.

All in all it turned out for the best, and if I did it again I probably would not be so concerned about gender.

[oceanica]

Does that mean my Athena is a special needs just bec of her race? (that seems utterly ridiculous to me)

[loveajax]

Josie, I always agree with your words of wisdom!!!

Oceanica, I asked that once too. And the answer is that in some state foster care systems, race alone will classify a child as "special needs." It's hard to swallow for me since DD is completely healthy and has the same "needs" as any crazy toddler!

[Leigh131313]

To add to what I posted earlier....I don't have an issue with people having a preference. It's when people get all worked up about it that I question things. The idea that they HAVE to have **insert sex here**. I was at a party recently and there were some expectant mom's - the comment was made " I just know I'm going to be cursed with another boy" It made me want to vomit.

I would have a hard time looking someone in the eye if after being matched with a bmom and the baby was said to be X sex - and the baby ended up being the opposite - the aparents then turned down the situation. I don't think I could think of them the same anymore.....

[Sohmakun]

Originally Posted by loveajax

Josie, I always agree with your words of wisdom!!!

Oceanica, I asked that once too. And the answer is that in some state foster care systems, race alone will classify a child as "special needs." It's hard to swallow for me since DD is completely healthy and has the same "needs" as any crazy toddler!

So can healthy white triplets, simply because they are a sibling group of three kids and most parents want only one or two kids

[my someone]

Originally Posted by joskids

I do think, though, that when we specify that a child should have red hair and green eyes (just like us), somehow we are losing sight of what adoption means and, if we get THAT specific, maybe we shouldn't be adopting at all.

Josie, I agree with everything you said in your post. But when I look at the statement I quoted above, I somehow feel that gender falls into the category of "that specific". Yes, everyone has the right to choose the kind of adoption they wish to pursue, but somehow gender choice seems over doing it, being "too specific" to me. The thought of little boys sitting in orphanages (in international situations), or being rejected before they were even born (domestic situations) due simply to the fact of their gender, brings tears to my eyes.

I don't understand the assumptions about gender differences. YES THEY ARE REAL but they are not guaranteed. A little girl may not be the princess you imagine. A little boy may not be the hellion you expect. One of the first lessons I was ever taught was "don't judge a book by its cover". I guess I interpret that, in this case, as don't judge a child by its gender.

So I would go back to the original poster's question, "Why (do) adoptive parents want girls rather than boys?" and answer, "Because of their general assumptions about boys and girls, not the realities of children's individual, unique, unpredictable personalities."

And by the way, Stormster, you cracked me up a few pages back by mentioning that having a boy will save you thousands in NOT buying American Girls merchandise. I thought the same thing until recently. Get ready for the wonderful world of PlayStation, Wii and XBox!

[loveajax]

This thread reminds me of something. People get really defensive about their own children. For example, people with boys think, "who wouldn't WANT my son?" I have a biracial DD and think, "why wouldn't anyone want MY daughter" (and only want a cauc child). I have had parents of "fully" AA children say to me that my decision to adopt a biracial child hurt them because it means I did not WANT to adopt their child.

But I honestly have come to the conclusion that people have their own reasons for the choices they make and I'm not sure why anyone else's choice makes yours less valid, etc. I honestly don't get it. The reality is is that we all love our children very much. I think if someone has an image of walking their DD down the aisle at her wedding or driving their son to his first football practice (I realize I am being grossly stereotypical here), why would that bother you?

I didn't have a gender preference and I certainly would NEVER have thought of not adopting DD had she turned out to be a boy. (Of course, if she was a boy, I probably would be saying I wanted a boy all along...I think our own children "color" the way we see things before we had 'em.).

[pwnort64]

Another single mom chiming in here with a perspective.

When I started down this journey called adoption, I had in my head that I wanted a daughter. I was thrilled that I could request that specifically. My reasons for that are all my own, just as everyone else here has expressed their reasons. It was based on my life experiences and observations. In a nutshell, it was because of my brother. I did not want to have anything to do with raising a boy that may turn out the least bit like him.

In the end, I did not specify a preference, knowing full well that this sealed my fate of becoming a boy's mom. What turned me around? A conversation with my mother who explained that not all boys are my brother. She pointed out some very fine boys and young men. She told me she thought I would be a great boy's mom and recommended that I keep my options open.

Wow. You know what? In this case, mother really did know best. Four years into this journey and I couldn't possibly be any more thrilled to be a boy's mom instead of a girl's mom. It works for me. Now I am so very thankful not to be a girl's mom. I think I am a way better boy's mom than I could ever be a girl's mom.

That doesn't mean that I still don't drool over the adorable girl's outfits that I dreamed of dressing my potential daughter in. But I do have fun dressing my son. He wore "boutique jumpers" until he 4. He liked that style of dress (although he may cringe when he is older and looks at pictures from that time). I get so frustrated when I shop in children's stores or departments. There is one rack of boy's clothes and rack after rack of cute little girl's clothes. Someone is really missing an opportunity in designing smart clothing for little boys. And whoever thought cargo pockets should go on all little boys' pants, well I'd like a few minutes alone in a room with them.

[lovemy2boys]

Originally Posted by my someone

And by the way, Stormster, you cracked me up a few pages back by mentioning that having a boy will save you thousands in NOT buying American Girls merchandise. I thought the same thing until recently. Get ready for the wonderful world of PlayStation, Wii and XBox!

Yeah - and don't EVEN get me started on the price of the Star Wars Lego Sets! For $80 a box, they should put themselves together instead of giving me muscle spasms after trying to assemble the Millenium Falcon for 5 hours!!!

[Sohmakun]

Originally Posted by lovemy2boys

Yeah - and don't EVEN get me started on the price of the Star Wars Lego Sets! For $80 a box, they should put themselves together instead of giving me muscle spasms after trying to assemble the Millenium Falcon for 5 hours!!!

ROTL, you guys are hilarious!

[Sohmakun]

Originally Posted by loveajax

This thread reminds me of something. People get really defensive about their own children. For example, people with boys think, "who wouldn't WANT my son?" I have a biracial DD and think, "why wouldn't anyone want MY daughter" (and only want a cauc child). I have had parents of "fully" AA children say to me that my decision to adopt a biracial child hurt them because it means I did not WANT to adopt their child.

I totally agree ajax, I feel the same way when people want a child "healthy as possible" it does make me feel like they are rejecting my future child because of something that is not their fault.

[sbaglio]

Originally Posted by loveajax

This thread reminds me of something. People get really defensive about their own children. For example, people with boys think, "who wouldn't WANT my son?" I have a biracial DD and think, "why wouldn't anyone want MY daughter" (and only want a cauc child). I have had parents of "fully" AA children say to me that my decision to adopt a biracial child hurt them because it means I did not WANT to adopt their child.

But I honestly have come to the conclusion that people have their own reasons for the choices they make and I'm not sure why anyone else's choice makes yours less valid, etc. I honestly don't get it. The reality is is that we all love our children very much. I think if someone has an image of walking their DD down the aisle at her wedding or driving their son to his first football practice (I realize I am being grossly stereotypical here), why would that bother you?

I didn't have a gender preference and I certainly would NEVER have thought of not adopting DD had she turned out to be a boy. (Of course, if she was a boy, I probably would be saying I wanted a boy all along...I think our own children "color" the way we see things before we had 'em.).

I totally agree with you, Karen (as usual!). Perhaps I should be more upset about this, but the fact that DD was considered "hard to place" because she's biracial, brought her to us. If people don't want to adopt AA or BR children, I may wonder about their motives, but in the end, I really don't care. Each to his or her own. The families who do get those children are the lucky ones. I can't imagine DD not being my daughter, simply can't imagine it.

ETA: We were open to gender, and will be with number 2 as well.

[oceanica]

OK please don't be upset...
I had a slight preference. This is why.
When I was a kid I loved animals and insects of all kinds. I was the type that would pick up a cricket or a snake and want to take it home. When I was 2 I'm told I picked up a huge millipede in India. The girls I knew would have one of two responses: Want to help feed and take care of the animal, or run screaming. The boys would be more likely to stamp on a cricket or kill a bird or something. Hunting was big in my town... older boys. (I've always thought it could be considered a sport if the deer had a gun). A group of them if they saw a snake would throw rocks at it till it died. Some boys are just a little mean or just a little aggressive. I don't mind them being generally more active or any of the other general things about boys. And all boys are obviously not like that. Girls seem generally more kind or gentle. As someone said girls are the ones that will go pick up the walker for you when you turn 85. Is this true across the board? Of course not. We can all name situations that are opposite. Boys and girls are individual people and should be treated as such without expectations or stereotypes. Every boy should be loved and wanted and thought of as perfect. I may match for a boy soon. If he kills any crickets he is going to get in a lot of trouble! (parents of boys, please don't be insulted!)
As a side note, I don't understand any of this wierd family name stuff or why it would matter.
Also: I've seen some very cute boys clothes lately while shopping to enlarge Athena's already massive wardrobe which has taken over my closet.