[lovemy2boys]

Originally Posted by Sohmakun

Well, I had foster care in mind because that's really the only type of domestic adoption where you can specify gender and race no matter which agency you use or state you live in. But that situation could also apply to international adoptions too. In some orphanages in Russia and Ukraine 7 out of 10 children are boys mainly because both international and domestic families prefer girls. These children are not black at all either. They are blonde haired and blue eyed Caucasian children.

Thank you! My brain is addled this morning...Two sick kids and no sleep!

[lovemy2boys]

Originally Posted by SupaModel

I REALLY wanted a boy but would have taken either. I just left it in gods hands. Now if i was with matched with a emom and we taught she was having a boy and then when the baby came it turned out to be a girl I would DEFINITELY adopt the girl. Although I only wanted boys if I had a daughter of course I would love her with no regrets.

Thanks for answering...I remember reading on another forum that a family wanted a boy, were matched, the mom ended up having a girl, and they walked away after building a relationship with her for the last 3 months...Wasn't sure whether or not that was the "norm"...I guess there really isn't a "norm" in adoption, huh? Sometimes I just drive myself crazy with these "what if" scenarios...

[Sohmakun]

Originally Posted by imjlo

This thread is exactly why I do not post about my choices in the adoption process.

This is how I feel on this issue Just because you think gender selection is wrong and people should not have the choice and you would never choose one over the other, who are you to tell others that they shouldn't have the right to choose. You do not know me/them nor do you know about my/their past or what I/they want for their future. So if you do not feel it is right for you that is fine but please do not judge or belittle others for the choices that they have made!....IMO

I did not create this thread to start pointing the finger at adoptive parents who specified gender. I was just curious why people wanted girls rather than boys. You are right imjlo, none of us are in the position to judge. We all have our preferences in what we would accept and what we would reject. Like I said in the earlier post, I felt like the oddball for wanting a boy instead of a girl. In fact, this is why I considered international adoption first instead of domestic, because it would be very easy to adopt a boy.

[JustBarbara]

Hmm - interesting thread. I did not specify gender - I just wanted a healthy child - as young as possible. I am single and know that I was not prepared to raise a special needs child. Quick disclaimer - I grew up with four siblings, one of whom has special needs so I know first-hand the challenges. I was in the Russian program waiting, waiting for the reaccreditations to come through. I was told most likely a boy would be referred - and he would be 14-16 months old by the time he came home. He would probably be blonde, blue-eyed. Fast forward and I switched to Guatemala program and they again asked if I cared about gender - nah, not at all - and I am the proud mama to a 2 1/2 year old Guatemalan muy guapo boy. He has dark hair, dark eyes - just like me!! I love, love having a son - if I'd had a girl she would not be a princess. That's just not who I am or how I was raised - very much a tomboy. On the other hand we, as parents, can't dictate how our children will turn out, who they will become etc. But ... if the chance to adopt again came up I would not mind a boy or girl. Really. I do think boys are less complicated but also have other needs that girls do not - precisely because they don't express themselves quite so much. Generalizing here yes but I hope you get my point.

[Kat-L]

1st time around, I did not specify gender but was told that girls were requested more frequently than boys. But more boys were placed for adoption than girls. And requesting a girl could delay placement by a year or more because some expectant moms don't know the sex of the baby (so they aren't shown your profile). I didn't really care about gender so I said either. They ended up placing 4 newborn girls the week I got Maire-Kate.

For my second adoption in 2005, I wanted a girl. I wanted Maire-Kate to have a sister.

For 2007, I specified girl between 3 & 6 because it felt like someone was missing in between (due to age gap between girls). I was placed with a boy (who looks like he may become a keeper since it's going to TPR/Adoption). He wasn't what I was looking for-since was a boy and an infant..But like the Rolling Stones say "You can't always get what ya' want"..but we DO get what we need. I believe that now.


I never felt guilty about requesting a girl in 2005. And no one ever said anything to make me feel badly about specifying gender.

[KarynB]

I don't really see these threads as judging - but more about questioning choices. And I think when we question our own choices, and those around us, it leads to greater understanding and growth all around.

Many people start off thinking they want to do CC adoption, then think maybe they'd be good parents to a BR child. Then, with questioning that (why BR but not AA?) it leads to more growth. Or not. But at least with questioning you know why (or why not) you are doing something. Are not not open to AA adoption because you don't live in a diverse neighbourhood and don't feel you could properly address the issue of culture, or it is based on racial assumptions and judgements you didn't think you had before?

Same with gender - do you have logistical reasons (as ocra stated) or do you have a (maybe) unrealistic fantasy of what it is like to raise a boy/girl that may end up being harmful in the end?

So, IMO, it is GOOD to question ourselves and each other. If you are truly comfortable with your decisions/reasons - what difference does it make to you if someone else thinks they are "wrong", know what I mean?

[finallyamom0310]

I posted here (earlier) that I wanted a girl but we didn't specify. That was because our agency wouldn't let us specify. There are agencies that let you choose gener? I thought you could only choose Race.

[Lovebug]

We had heard the same thing when we were in the beginning stages of our first adoption...that most families "prefer" girls. It was explained to us by our SW that families adopting are sometimes "older" or that due to the fees, families can only afford one child, where if they had biological children, they may have had several. So it is in this "thinking" that people prefer girls because "girls stay with their parents...even after marriage, etc, a girl stays with her family where a boy goes with his wife to her family so having a girl means she is yours forever and when a boy grows up, he moves on." That people believe that once they are old, their daughters will care for them more than their sons would. This is what we were told. Lovely sterotype, huh? We'll add that to the list of all the others associated with adoption!

That being said, we have 2 sons....we never had a gender preference...left it to God just like we would have had we had bio kids. I did always envision myself having a girl and doing Mommy/daughter things. But now that I have my boys, my ideas have changed. I do miss not having a girl somedays, but my sons are my life. They are "Momma's Boys" for sure!!!

[Stormster]

Originally Posted by Lovebug

So it is in this "thinking" that people prefer girls because "girls stay with their parents...even after marriage, etc, a girl stays with her family where a boy goes with his wife to her family so having a girl means she is yours forever and when a boy grows up, he moves on."

When E decides to move on I'm going to tackle him to the ground and lock him in the house! Is that wrong?

[loveajax]

Lovebug, as the daughter of an elderly, failing dad, I CAN say the stereotype is true in my house. Even with two brothers around, I "bear" the laboring oar. Man, is it annoying! I told DH that DD needs to escape her already elderly parents...and soon!!!

Storm, DH has already said (and he doesn't own one..) that once DD turns 13, he is going to sit at home pointing a shotgun out the window at any boy that dares to come to our steps!! heehee! He won't let her out of the house, he says. (I hope he's kidding!).

[finallyamom0310]

Originally Posted by loveajax

Lovebug, as the daughter of an elderly, failing dad, I CAN say the stereotype is true in my house. Even with two brothers around, I "bear" the laboring oar. Man, is it annoying! I told DH that DD needs to escape her already elderly parents...and soon!!!

Storm, DH has already said (and he doesn't own one..) that once DD turns 13, he is going to sit at home pointing a shotgun out the window at any boy that dares to come to our steps!! heehee! He won't let her out of the house, he says. (I hope he's kidding!).

Love this is so funny as DH has said that DD isn't allowed to date or anything till he is dead. LOL. I hope he is kidding too.

Storm, I want to see that.

[devildogwife]

Originally Posted by Stormster

When E decides to move on I'm going to tackle him to the ground and lock him in the house! Is that wrong?

Nope! Cause I'm doing it too!!!

[lovemy2boys]

Originally Posted by Stormster

When E decides to move on I'm going to tackle him to the ground and lock him in the house! Is that wrong?

I was one of the chaperones on AJ's class field trip to the farm...We had one of the little girls in my car...I could hear her whispering to AJ "You're my boyfriend" (they're 6) and he'd say "No I'm not" She'd say it again, and again he'd say no...then she says "One day, you're going to marry me" and he said "No I'm NOT!!! I'm living with my mom forever so I can cook for her!"

I smiled for the rest of the day. In fact, I'm still smiling!

[loveajax]

The other interesting thing about the "preference" for a girl is I wonder how many a parents know that girls are far, far more likely to want to have contact with their birth families/reunite with them, etc. I saw some statistic on it once and it was a huge disparity (not that this would be reason NOT to want a girl, but I think it is interesting).

[finallyamom0310]

Originally Posted by lovemy2boys

I was one of the chaperones on AJ's class field trip to the farm...We had one of the little girls in my car...I could hear her whispering to AJ "You're my boyfriend" (they're 6) and he'd say "No I'm not" She'd say it again, and again he'd say no...then she says "One day, you're going to marry me" and he said "No I'm NOT!!! I'm living with my mom forever so I can cook for her!"

I smiled for the rest of the day. In fact, I'm still smiling!

That is absolutely adorable. He is truely a "Momma's Boy".