[Carlee1boy]

We had one bio. son when we decided to adopt. As an only child, I had always wanted an older brother. My husband, who has three older sisters, always wanted a brother to do guy things with.
Couple that with the fact that our agency told us that most people wanted girls and that many boys were waiting for homes, and the decision was easy. We would love another boy--other people didn't want the baby boys--so an easy, breezy decision.

Once our beautiful son came home from Guatemala, we suffered yet another unexpected miscarriage. We realized our family was not complete and began the adoption process again. This time, we were really torn about whether to specify a gender. We knew that not specifying meant a boy, so we really talked about it, and finally decided on a girl.

Someone asked why gender selection was so important when adopting, when you can't choose when you get pregnant. Maybe it's simply because in adoption you CAN choose. Many pregnant women-and I was one of them-deep down are hoping for one sex or another. Adoptive parents just have the actual choice. And after suffering years of miscarriages, D & C's, Clomid, etc... I didn't feel an ounce of guilt about choosing the gender. I finally had a choice about something, after dealing with years of infertility and feeling my body was not "in control."

Sidebar: As a middle school guidance counselor, I think boys are MUCH MUCH MUCH easier to deal with, if you can get past the noise, dirt and high energy level.

Carolyn

[SupaModel]

Originally Posted by aclee

1st, I was amazed that people that partake in minority adoption are even more likely to request a girl. When I enthusiastically told one adoption worker that I didn't blame them, I was looking forward to braiding too, she had to set me straight and tell me most people would adopt girls because boys would somehow "forever" change the make up the family name. ie, DH is the last one in his family to carry on the name C (this is true) now the name C will have AA heritage, where before it didn't....but who really knows if it did anyway, Dh was/is a mutt, and no one in his family cared one iota that Ty was AA. What I don't get is, you are either carrying on the family, biologically or you aren't...why does it matter if the person carrying it on is white, or a minority. I didn't really get it, but apparently that's what sometimes happens.

I also think ppl prefer a AA girl beacause they don't wanna deal with raising a AA male in our society. It's definitely harder and comes with even more prejudice and stigma. I know DH was worried about have a black male because he didn't want to do a diservice to him by being a CC man. Now he understand that he can raise him to be a strong black man and I see how much he's taking this role seriously. He really makes it a point to understand issues for AA men.

[lovemy2boys]

I have a question for people who have specified a gender preference.

**DISCLAIMER** This is a question based out of legitimate curiosity - not a loaded question trying to spark a debate. **END DISCLAIMER**


If you specified that you wanted a girl, let's say...and the expectant mom had an ultrasound that confirmed this, but the baby ~ SURPRISE ~ was a boy, what would you do? Would you change your mind and pass on a situation, even if you'd built the foundation of a relationship with the expectant mom? Or is this a situation where you will only commit to a baby that's already been born?

I get it when people have a "wish" one way or another. Heck! I never thought I'd be the mom of 2 boys - I always imagined that I'd have a girl, but that didn't happen, and I'm grateful for how things turned out. But I never really had a STRONG preference either way.

I guess I even understand it when a PP said that they could only afford one adoption, and so they wanted to make sure they "got what they wanted" for lack of a better term.

But what happens in a situation like what I mentioned? Do you change your minds with the child? Or figure that this was God's plan, or however you view it?

[ocracoke]

Originally Posted by lovemy2boys

I have a question for people who have specified a gender preference.

**DISCLAIMER** This is a question based out of legitimate curiosity - not a loaded question trying to spark a debate. **END DISCLAIMER**


If you specified that you wanted a girl, let's say...and the expectant mom had an ultrasound that confirmed this, but the baby ~ SURPRISE ~ was a boy, what would you do? Would you change your mind and pass on a situation, even if you'd built the foundation of a relationship with the expectant mom? Or is this a situation where you will only commit to a baby that's already been born?

I get it when people have a "wish" one way or another. Heck! I never thought I'd be the mom of 2 boys - I always imagined that I'd have a girl, but that didn't happen, and I'm grateful for how things turned out. But I never really had a STRONG preference either way.

I guess I even understand it when a PP said that they could only afford one adoption, and so they wanted to make sure they "got what they wanted" for lack of a better term.

But what happens in a situation like what I mentioned? Do you change your minds with the child? Or figure that this was God's plan, or however you view it?

I guess maybe you aren't looking for my answer since I am not doing a domestic infant adoption but...

I picked gender and I was doing a toddler international adoption. So I would not run into the situation you described. I know I picked gender but if I had been referred a boy I believe I would still have been so excited about being a mom. If I get to adopt again then I will be selecting gender again -- but this time for different reasons. I have a girl. I also have a 2 bedroom house. Since my children would need to share a room then I would select a girl again. But I would also not be doing an infant adoption this time either (I am not a baby person). My next adoption I will be looking at an older child (the 4-7 year old range). So for me gender is important for the next adoption out of necessity.

Samantha

[SupaModel]

Originally Posted by lovemy2boys

I have a question for people who have specified a gender preference.

**DISCLAIMER** This is a question based out of legitimate curiosity - not a loaded question trying to spark a debate. **END DISCLAIMER**


If you specified that you wanted a girl, let's say...and the expectant mom had an ultrasound that confirmed this, but the baby ~ SURPRISE ~ was a boy, what would you do? Would you change your mind and pass on a situation, even if you'd built the foundation of a relationship with the expectant mom? Or is this a situation where you will only commit to a baby that's already been born?

I get it when people have a "wish" one way or another. Heck! I never thought I'd be the mom of 2 boys - I always imagined that I'd have a girl, but that didn't happen, and I'm grateful for how things turned out. But I never really had a STRONG preference either way.

I guess I even understand it when a PP said that they could only afford one adoption, and so they wanted to make sure they "got what they wanted" for lack of a better term.

But what happens in a situation like what I mentioned? Do you change your minds with the child? Or figure that this was God's plan, or however you view it?

I REALLY wanted a boy but would have taken either. I just left it in gods hands. Now if i was with matched with a emom and we taught she was having a boy and then when the baby came it turned out to be a girl I would DEFINITELY adopt the girl. Although I only wanted boys if I had a daughter of course I would love her with no regrets.

[lovemy2boys]

Originally Posted by ocracoke

I guess maybe you aren't looking for my answer since I am not doing a domestic infant adoption but...

I picked gender and I was doing a toddler international adoption. So I would not run into the situation you described. I know I picked gender but if I had been referred a boy I believe I would still have been so excited about being a mom. If I get to adopt again then I will be selecting gender again -- but this time for different reasons. I have a girl. I also have a 2 bedroom house. Since my children would need to share a room then I would select a girl again. But I would also not be doing an infant adoption this time either (I am not a baby person). My next adoption I will be looking at an older child (the 4-7 year old range). So for me gender is important for the next adoption out of necessity.

Samantha

Actually, this makes perfect sense to me - thanks for responding!

[journeytolily]

I am always hesitant to tell anyone of any preferences I may have in adoption. Some people are very judgemental, and I personally feel that I am entitled to make some choices. We have adopted twice and are working on our third. All three times we have specified a gender. Yes, I understand that if we got pregnant, we wouldn't be specifying. But this is not pregnancy, and since we have the chance to choose, we ARE choosing.

We have very little control in this process of building our family. Infertility issues, then the uncertainties of the adoption process. If we have the "perk" of choosing gender, then why not?

People should not be made to feel bad because they want to specify gender, or race, or anything else. Not everyone is cut out for older child adoption, or foster care, or special needs. When someone criticizes another's choices, I get the feeling that they are basically saying "take whatever you can get, and be grateful". We should all be able to pursue our dream of a child, of what we hope for in a family, and not have to "settle" for something else.

By using the word "settle", I am NOT saying that any child is worth less than another. I AM saying that it is settling if you are not being given choices and are taking on what you don't really want, or can handle, just to have a child, ANY child. I've actually had someone comment that we had no right to be so "picky" in wanting to adopt (basically) healthy infants, instead of considering older children from the foster care system.

No one should be made to feel badly by specifying a girl (or a boy). If they feel strongly enough about it, so much that they are prepared for a longer wait, then that's their choice.

[Sohmakun]

Originally Posted by journeytolily

I've actually had someone comment that we had no right to be so "picky" in wanting to adopt (basically) healthy infants, instead of considering older children from the foster care system.

I also dislike when people say this too. Adopting an older child or a child with speical needs or a child of a different race it NOT a walk in the park. Although some of them will not have health problems, attachment disorders or racial identity issues there are no promises that they won't either. You can't go into these adoptions flying blind and praying for a miracle to happen. You have to be prepared for the worst, expected the best and consider yourself blessed if the outcome is better than you thought it would be.

[Sohmakun]

Originally Posted by SupaModel

I also think ppl prefer a AA girl beacause they don't wanna deal with raising a AA male in our society. It's definitely harder and comes with even more prejudice and stigma. I know DH was worried about have a black male because he didn't want to do a diservice to him by being a CC man. Now he understand that he can raise him to be a strong black man and I see how much he's taking this role seriously. He really makes it a point to understand issues for AA men.

Aclee and Supa you guys may have a point there. Please understand that I'm not trying to gloss over the racial issues but I think there are also more reasons other than race why parents want girls than boys. Even CC boys are less likely to be adopted compared to CC girls.

[OakShannon]

I had a mild preference for a girl when we first started planning our adoption. Mostly because I have a very close relationship with my mom, so I had this image of a daughter that I could share a similar relationship with. I've heard also that the tilt in favor of girls is because women often are the ones really pushing for adoption, and women are more likely to want a daughter. But I had no idea that it ran 90% in favor of girls.

Of course, we knew that because most people want girls, we would probably have a boy if we didn't specify. And once Daniel was placed with us, any vision of a daughter was replaced by the reality of the beautiful baby boy in my arms. I am the mother of a son, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I don't have a problem with people specifying gender. But I do have to wonder what it says about our attitudes towards raising boys that the tilt is so strongly in favor of girls. Just like I think there are perfectly legitimate, sound reasons for specifying race - but the fact that so many people are open to many races, but not AA makes a powerful statement about how AA people are still viewed in our culture. But those are general observations. I can't look at one family and judge their reasons for making those choices or say that they don't have a right to make them.

I will say though, that if what Aclee was told is true - that some people want girls because they are not comfortable with an adopted child carrying on their family name - THAT is appalling! I wonder if someone with an attitude like that should even be considering adoption.

[crick]

I'd be really curious to know if the stats are broken down in any way that shows if the majority of people requesting girls already have boys?

Seems like a lot of people I know who have adopted girls had boys and simply wanted to have a daughter too.

I wanted one of each personally, but doubt I'd have said no to either gender if those were the children for me. I feel confident in saying this because we "specified" 2 and have 4. lol!

[lovemy2boys]

Originally Posted by Sohmakun

Even CC boys are less likely to be adopted compared to CC girls.

Are you speaking of older child adoptions/international adoption or all adoptions in general?

I think I've thoroughly confused myself - lol.

[Sohmakun]

Well, I had foster care in mind because that's really the only type of domestic adoption where you can specify gender and race no matter which agency you use or state you live in. But that situation could also apply to international adoptions too. In some orphanages in Russia and Ukraine 7 out of 10 children are boys mainly because both international and domestic families prefer girls. These children are not black at all either. They are blonde haired and blue eyed Caucasian children.

[imjlo]

This thread is exactly why I do not post about my choices in the adoption process.

This is how I feel on this issue Just because you think gender selection is wrong and people should not have the choice and you would never choose one over the other, who are you to tell others that they shouldn't have the right to choose. You do not know me/them nor do you know about my/their past or what I/they want for their future. So if you do not feel it is right for you that is fine but please do not judge or belittle others for the choices that they have made!....IMO

[loveajax]

Crick, I am just cracking up at that.

DH and I have been batting around the idea of adopting again (but not mentioned it to anyone else). Well, now I think we are going to get a puppy (maybe we'll adopt again in the future).

Anyway, my MIL takes care of my one and only darling child on Wednesdays. When she found out we were getting a puppy yesterday, she frowned and said, "Ummm...don't you guys think you are overwhelmed as it is?!" such a confidence booster! Can you imagine if I told her we were coming home with four kids! haha!