[ocracoke]

Originally Posted by aclee

...she had to set me straight and tell me most people would adopt girls because boys would somehow "forever" change the make up the family name...

I get it. I understand it. But...
My sister and I were both adopted. My parents were married but my amom did not take my adad's last name. So when my sister and I were adopted we opted to have different last names (we were an older adoption). My sister took my mom's last name and I took my dad's last name. My sister and I both ended up being single moms (both of girls -- me by adoption and her by birth). Who would have thought that 2 girls would be carrying on the last name of their parents.

I know a picked the gender of my child so it seems hypocritical so say that people should be open to eithr gender. I do know I would have fell in love with a boy if that is what I had been referred. Boys deserve loving homes, too. I sometimes feel the same way about people who only want a child as young as possible -- there are a lot of older kids that need loving homes too.

Samantha

[Sohmakun]

Originally Posted by ocracoke

I know a picked the gender of my child so it seems hypocritical so say that people should be open to eithr gender...

I personally see nothing wrong with specifying gender. I just know in domestic infant adoption it can make your wait time very long, even if you request a boy. The reason why I started this thread was because I felt like the oddball for wanting a boy first and was curious why others wanted girls instead. I'm a butch lesbian and I would want a boy that I could roughhouse with and dress just like a "mini me", similar to the reasons you wanted a girl.

Originally Posted by ocracoke

I sometimes feel the same way about people who only want a child as young as possible -- there are a lot of older kids that need loving homes too.

Samantha

I feel the same way with special needs children. I see lots of people in real life and on these boards who are open to any race but they want a child "healthy as possible". It hurts me to this day that even newborns wait longer for homes and become "bargain bin" babies just because they were born with weak genes or in a rough enviroment. Last time I checked these parents also weren't promised healthy biological children so why should adopted ones be any different? Special needs children need homes too.

[Kristy29]

We want a girl. I have always wanted a daughter. If I get a boy, I am ok with that, but I would prefer a girl. Even if I was pregnant I would hope for a girl but be happy with a boy. I want a daughter more than a son, so in case we only end up with one (especially since adoption is so expensive) I would rather have a girl. Ideally I'd want one of each, but just in case I'd rather get a girl first.

We also have had one foster placement, and it was an infant girl. We bonded to her and enjoyed her. Plus we also have a ton of girl clothes, blankets, bibs etc. which I know is a dumb reason to choose gender as that is only a small part of a child's life, but I think that just pushed it over the edge I am already teetering on.

[Stormster]

I sooooooo disagree with what you are saying about Special Needs. My brother was "special needs" and my mother was an OK parent I guess but not strong enough to parent him well. There are also people who actually relinquish their kids because they can't handle the responsibility of a special needs child. Just tonight a woman, a birth mother spoke about not being able to parent her son and that being part of the reason she relinquished. Parenting a child with special needs is not for everyone. We are doing the children a huge disservice by saying any adoptive parent can parent them.

Can some of us who think they can't parent a special needs child probably step up to the plate and do it? Yes but some can't. I know this I've seen it on this site! Adoptions disrupt as well.

I think it is responsible to know what we can and cannot handle. I guess I"m just talking as the sibling of someone with serious mental illness and knowing what it can do to everyone in the family if the family isn't functional enough.

[Sohmakun]

Originally Posted by Stormster

I sooooooo disagree with what you are saying about Special Needs. My brother was "special needs" and my mother was an OK parent I guess but not strong enough to handle him. There are also people who actually relinquish their kids because they can't handle the responsibility of a special needs child. Just tonight a woman, a birth mother spoke about not being able to handle her son and that being part of the reason she relinquished. Parenting a child with special needs is not for everyone. We are doing the children a huge disservice by saying any adoptive parent can parent them.

Can some of us who think they can't parent a special needs child probably step up to the plate and do it? Yes but some can't. I know this I've seen it on this site! Adoptions disrupt as well.

I think it is responsible to know what we can and cannot handle. I guess I"m just talking as the sibling of someone with serious mental illness and knowing what it can do to everyone in the family if the family isn't functional enough to handle it.

hmmm, you bring up a good point Storm, and you are right not everyone can handle a special needs infant but some of these special needs are not as severe as mental retardation. For example drug exposure is not known to cause severe disabilities. In fact, many studies show no difference in children who have been exposed to drugs and those who were healthy but there are still many parents who don't want to adopt these children because of the bad rep they have gotten, especially in the 80's and 90's when the "crack baby" stories dominated the media. I also agree that adoptive parents shouldn't go into special needs adoption unprepared, crossing their fingers for a miracle to happen. I just wish more adoptive parents could see beyond the "horror stories" and just listen to the facts and then decide what's best.

[Stormster]

Originally Posted by Sohmakun

hmmm, you bring up a good point Storm, and you are right not everyone can handle a special needs infant but some of these special needs are not as severe as mental retardation. For example drug exposure is not known to cause severe disabilities. In fact, many studies show no difference in children who have been exposed to drugs and those who were healthy but there are still many parents who don't want to adopt these children because of the bad rep they have gotten, especially in the 80's and 90's when the "crack baby" stories dominated the media. I also agree that adoptive parents shouldn't go into special needs adoption unprepared, crossing their fingers for a miracle to happen. I just wish more adoptive parents could see beyond the "horror stories" and just listen to the facts and then decide what's best.

As I'm sure you know, mental Illness does not mean "retardation". Many mentally ill people are among the most brilliant on the planet. Also I really do think many of us know the risks and realities of drug exposure and went on to adopt children who were exposed, not considering them special needs, and know better than to stigmatize them as "crack babies" or whatever. Maybe the general public doesn't realize that drug exposure isn't a life sentence but here on a.com we're a pretty sophisticated bunch!

[Sohmakun]

oops, I mean't to say mental illness, I'm sorry Storm, I really need to proofread and not type so fast!

Most of us do know about the effects of drugs but not all of us. If that were the case we wouldn't have threads here asking what are the effects of drugs in the system and "should I move on with this situation" type of threads.

[keekee1006]

"We want a girl. I have always wanted a daughter. If I get a boy, I am ok with that, but I would prefer a girl. Even if I was pregnant I would hope for a girl but be happy with a boy. I want a daughter more than a son, so in case we only end up with one (especially since adoption is so expensive) I would rather have a girl Ideally I'd want one of each, but just in case I'd rather get a girl first."

Kristy29 your reasons are very similar to mine. I plan on only using an agency that allows gender preference. I have always pictured myself with a daughter. I'm a single woman and cannot afford more than one adoption at this time. I do not have alot of males in my life; most of my family is female so I feel a girl would fit right in. I have 3 wonderful godsons and one goddaughter, it would be nice to even up the numbers. I want my first child to be a girl and have no preference as to the gender of my second child.

[sadiegirl]

Originally Posted by Leigh131313

To be honest - I get VERY angry when people get all worked up about the sex of their baby (bio or adopted). To the point that I secretly wish they get what they don't want.

Yeah....I'm a bad person.

No, you're not...I feel the same way!

And this will ruffle feathers but...you don't get to "choose" the gender if you become pg, so why choose with adoption?

Can anyone explain that one?

[loveajax]

Sadie, believe it or not, some people (including those that are not infertile) use procedures (like PGD) to select gender. I wouldn't have done it. But I do hear some legitimate reasons why people may want a boy or a girl. So much in adoption is beyond a person's "control," but I firmly believe that people should feel comfortable with their choices when they adopt and other people shouldn't "second guess" them. Whatever works for their family, you know?

[lovemy2boys]

Originally Posted by sadiegirl

No, you're not...I feel the same way!

And this will ruffle feathers but...you don't get to "choose" the gender if you become pg, so why choose with adoption?

Can anyone explain that one?

I'm with you guys...and although I'm NOT saying that anyone here will be guilty of this, I know a family who adopted two girls. After having their first girl, they were hoping for a boy to complete their family. The second time around, the ultrasound said it was a boy. Well, lo and behold, baby was born, and it was a girl (This one's for you Leigh - lol). Were they going to pass on the match? Of course not...the baby was born, and they could love another girl just as much as a boy (and don't get me wrong - they do. They love her madly).

Well, it was a running joke that she was their "son". Totally a joke. Told over...and over...and over again.

So here is their now teenage daughter, who just rejects ALL things girly. No pink...no jewelry...no barbies, babies, purses...No dresses (they send her into fits). No ballet...No tap...Only lacrosse and hockey. Loves hockey and college football...Will ONLY consider going to a college with a sports team that her Dad cheers for. And when I say she rejects all things girly, I mean it sincerely. The family went on a cruise, and she didn't know she had to wear a dress to the formal dinner. They snuck a dress on the ship and told her when they got there that this was something she'd have to do. And she had such a severe reaction, that it left them speechless.

Is this her personality? Possibly. But the armchair psychologist in me thinks it is her way of gaining "approval" - and possibly apologizing for not being the boy that her parents so desperately wanted.

Not trying to change push my agenda on anyone - just some insight into this family.

[aallen25]

DH and I were open to any gender, but I'll be honest deep down I hoped for a girl. I was a total mama's girl and always wanted to have that kind of relationship with my own daughter one day. The funny thing is now that DD is here I'm so hoping she becomes a daddy's girl. I love watching her with DH and want them to have that bond I never had with my dad.

[jalapeno]

Originally Posted by loveajax

Sadie, believe it or not, some people (including those that are not infertile) use procedures (like PGD) to select gender. I wouldn't have done it. But I do hear some legitimate reasons why people may want a boy or a girl. So much in adoption is beyond a person's "control," but I firmly believe that people should feel comfortable with their choices when they adopt and other people shouldn't "second guess" them. Whatever works for their family, you know?

Yeah, I second this. We didn't specify gender but I can't understand judging or getting angry with someone who does. Gender isn't a superficial thing. It's not like specifying blue eyes. If someone truly believes they would be a better parent to a girl (or boy), then I really don't see a problem with that.

[Momto1human-2furry]

We never specified a gender to reduce the waiting period !!!! We hoped to get a girl. Just between us. Same way as a expectant mother gets what she gets but has hopes .:-)

My personal reason- Girls are so much more cuter than boys. I have a soft corner for all girls as they are gentler creatures can be dressed in dressy clothes and clips.While boys need more disclipining in my opinion. LOL !!

BTW< In India its sadly boys that are in high demand due to cultural issues. So guys are not favoured everywhere.

A mother of a toddler girl. :-)

[Kristy29]

Originally Posted by sadiegirl

No, you're not...I feel the same way!

And this will ruffle feathers but...you don't get to "choose" the gender if you become pg, so why choose with adoption?

Can anyone explain that one?

Well for me, if I were having biological children, I wouldn't have only one. I would definitely have at least 2, and if I ended up with 2 of one gender, might try a third time. But with adoption, I am afraid this might be my one and only chance. We can not afford to adopt privately twice, and my husband is still having a problem with letting our foster daughter go that I don't know if going the foster adopt route later on will work. So since it is a one time only deal, I'd like to try hard to get a girl.