[KarynB]

I also wanted to say - I am really tired of people talking about "judgement" and how wrong it is. Expressing an opinion is not judgement - judgement is deciding the worth of a person through his/her actions, something I've rarely seen done. No one said this woman isn't worth anything due to her actions - just that her actions seemed like a bad choice. Aren't these boards here so we can all respectfully post our opinions and learn from each other?

Also - when did we come to a point where we can't call a spade a spade? IMO - having fertility treatments and implanting embryos knowing you'd have a good chance of having multiples (5 healthy embryos) just to abort the gender you don't want is wrong. It does sound like the woman Storm mentioned went through a tough time after - but why wouldn't she? Now, this of course is all in the context of not personally knowing this woman - so the sympathy factor is low, which is sort of the danger of online communities. Of course, that is just my opinion and I am more than happy to listen to others' ideas on the subject. I may even change my mind - it's been known to happen!

[Kat-L]

Originally Posted by Stormster

When E decides to move on I'm going to tackle him to the ground and lock him in the house! Is that wrong?

Maire-Kate just told me she wants to go to college in NY. I said "I LOVE New York!". She answered "YOU'RE NOT COMING!!!"

[Stormster]

I'll keep an eye on her for you!

[sadiegirl]

[quote=KarynB]

Originally Posted by Larue

For those who think that adoptive families should not be able to specify gender, should they also not be able to specify medical needs, legal risk, or race?! Just curious…

QUOTE]

I think there is a HUGE difference in specfying gender and specifying special needs, race etc. Gender difference do not require additional resources, therapy (SN), moving to diverse areas (race) or ongoing contact with a new culture etc. Unless your circumstance is as ocracoke stated - the kids are sharing a bedroom so it needs to be another girl/boy. Although, my son and daughter shared a bedroom for 2 years (ages 5 (boy) and 10(girl), but of course it was not long term and would not work now that they are older.

Thank you for saying what I was trying to say, just not as eloquently as you did.

[sadiegirl]

Originally Posted by KarynB

I also wanted to say - I am really tired of people talking about "judgement" and how wrong it is. Expressing an opinion is not judgement - judgement is deciding the worth of a person through his/her actions, something I've rarely seen done.

Again, thank you. Despite what others may think, I am not judging someone for specifying gender. I am trying to understand it as it doesn't make sense to me.

I am trying to understand and learn from others, something I believe that this site is all about?

[lovemy2boys]

Originally Posted by sadiegirl

Again, thank you. Despite what others may think, I am not judging someone for specifying gender. I am trying to understand it as it doesn't make sense to me.

I am trying to understand and learn from others, something I believe that this site is all about?

Agreed...that's the great thing about the forums...It allows us the opportunity to learn from people...to see people who make different choices and have different values than we do...and allows us to ask questions, state opinions, hear reactions, and possibly broaden the scope that we use to view the world.

[sadiegirl]

Storm,
About your friend and if you feel this is out of line or you don't feel like disclosing, I will soooo understand.

I am just trying to wrap my brain around your friend's situation: she did SR...how did she know the sexes of the babies? Don't you have to be about 16 weeks or so to do that?

[Stormster]

Sadie cool Oasis siggy!

I don't think I was judging, I was saying "I don't get it"

I think if someone was judging they'd read the thread, cluck away and disappear.

We are having a dialog!

[sadiegirl]

Originally Posted by Stormster

Sadie cool Oasis siggy!

Thanks...ETA: I feel like that quote IS my adoption road.

It's also the ring tone on my cell. I LOVE Oasis! They are just brillant, IMO.

[lisa in venice]

I wanted to parent both boys and girls so for us every other adoption we had a preference for girls but would have been happy with the right situation. Much of my concern about strong gender preference is the assumption of what a boy vs girl means. Boys are harder, they leave, they are troublesome, the are too rough and that girls are the opposite. Well I have two kids who loved their dolls the way I did when I was a kid, one boy and one girl. I have two serious jocks, one boy and one girl, I have two kids who can play dress up an imaginary games for hours, one boy and one girl. My only thoughtful artist is a boy, my most difficult is a girl. My bug stomper is a girl, my most gentle is a boy. They have shared rooms and clothes and been just kids that I had not gender related expectations of. I think one of the blessings of adoption is that you really don't know what you are going to get. I mean that you are not passing on a genetic legacy, instead of finding traits that are familiar you discover all thee wonderful surprises. It is like unwrapping a gift.

I think trying to control for gender is a way of trying to get something familiar but I would argue that even then you will be surprised. I worry that when the preference is strong the surprise may not be a happy one. That girl may not be THE girl you expected.

[Stormster]

Originally Posted by lisa in venice

I wanted to parent both boys and girls so for us every other adoption we had a preference for girls but would have been happy with the right situation. Much of my concern about strong gender preference is the assumption of what a boy vs girl means. Boys are harder, they leave, they are troublesome, the are too rough and that girls are the opposite. Well I have two kids who loved their dolls the way I did when I was a kid, one boy and one girl. I have two serious jocks, one boy and one girl, I have two kids who can play dress up an imaginary games for hours, one boy and one girl. My only thoughtful artist is a boy, my most difficult is a girl. My bug stomper is a girl, my most gentle is a boy. They have shared rooms and clothes and been just kids that I had not gender related expectations of. I think one of the blessings of adoption is that you really don't know what you are going to get. I mean that you are not passing on a genetic legacy, instead of finding traits that are familiar you discover all thee wonderful surprises. It is like unwrapping a gift.

I think trying to control for gender is a way of trying to get something familiar but I would argue that even then you will be surprised. I worry that when the preference is strong the surprise may not be a happy one. That girl may not be THE girl you expected.

Bravo!

[my someone]

Originally Posted by Stormster

Bravo!

And I second that emotion!

[crick]

While I do see a dialogue and for the most part I don't see much judgement, there is some. So I do feel for people who might not be comfortable posting here or feeling like they will be pounced on for their reasons.

I think it really comes down to a basic understanding of "Sometimes you don't understand what others do and that's okay".

Let's say I don't understand why some people pay upwards of 30 to 50 thousand dollars for an doption, but you know that really isn't my business at the end of the day, right? I don't have to understand, just accept that it's what they want and it's their family.

If I post a "well, I don't think that should be allowed because it seems too much like buying a child", even if I'm not judging - just trying to understand - it can still come off that way, no?

Just a different way of looking at that might touch on why some might feel judged.

[lovemy2boys]

Originally Posted by lisa in venice

I wanted to parent both boys and girls so for us every other adoption we had a preference for girls but would have been happy with the right situation. Much of my concern about strong gender preference is the assumption of what a boy vs girl means. Boys are harder, they leave, they are troublesome, the are too rough and that girls are the opposite. Well I have two kids who loved their dolls the way I did when I was a kid, one boy and one girl. I have two serious jocks, one boy and one girl, I have two kids who can play dress up an imaginary games for hours, one boy and one girl. My only thoughtful artist is a boy, my most difficult is a girl. My bug stomper is a girl, my most gentle is a boy. They have shared rooms and clothes and been just kids that I had not gender related expectations of. I think one of the blessings of adoption is that you really don't know what you are going to get. I mean that you are not passing on a genetic legacy, instead of finding traits that are familiar you discover all thee wonderful surprises. It is like unwrapping a gift.

I think trying to control for gender is a way of trying to get something familiar but I would argue that even then you will be surprised. I worry that when the preference is strong the surprise may not be a happy one. That girl may not be THE girl you expected.

Holy smokes! How many kids do you have? lol - just kidding...

I loved what you said finding their traits is like unwrapping a gift...I feel the same way - I think, for me personally, I don't have the preconceived notions that I would have, had my boys been my biological children...

Now when they do something, there's no "expectation"...None of the "he'll be an early reader like me...he'll be a great athlete like his dad..."

They will be who they will be. I love that about our family.

[Betelnut]

I didn't "go for a girl" because I wanted a little delicate child that dresses only in pink and plays with baby dolls.

I agree--anyone who thinks his or her kid will conform to a sexual stereotype may be in for a rude awakening.

As for someone "wanting to understand" the decision to pre-choose sex, all I can say is, for me, I'm not 100% sure why I wanted a daughter. I know I would love a son just as much, but I still "preferred" to ask for a girl.

If I was doing a domestic adoption with an infant, I wouldn't limit my choices, but since I was doing an international adoption--the child is already born--I do not feel at all bad about limiting my choice.

I would like to see something that backs up the "90%" figure, since I'm finding it difficult to believe.