[thanksgivingmom]

I suppose I should clarify that I mostly mean in open adoptions...as I'm sure the dynamics are different with different levels of openness.

BUT, how do you envision the relationship between your child and their firstparents? Do you see them developing a relationship as "friends"? Extended family? Something unique? And if it is unique, what do you call it?

How do you encourage that or frame the relationship in that way?

For those of you with older children, what is the relationship like? Do your children consider their firstparents like friends? Extended family? or something unique? How do they frame the relationship?

I'm asking partly for personal reasons and partly because I'm just curious.

Thanks!

[Mom2Max]

I don't have a lot of experience yet, as my dd is only 18 months. But ideally for me her relationship with her birthmom will develop into what is the most comfortable for her. I just want to make sure she gets every oppurtunity to spend time with her birthfamily and develop the realtionship.
I don't know if that was even helpful...

[Leigh131313]

I see the relationship between my son and his birthfamily as comparible to a distant cousin. I base this on the amount and sort of contact that they seem to be comfortable with. They aren't an immediate part of our family, but definitely someone we make a point to keep in touch with.

As he gets older this may or may not change....but for now this is where it's at.

[startedover]

I have to agree with the last post.. My dd birthparents do not seem comfortable with more than causual distant cousin relationship. Her birthmom actually referred to herself as "aunt ----". She must feel comfortable with that type of relationship. Don't get me wrong, my dd will know she grew in her belly and all and know the differences in "aunt" and birthmom.. Also since my dd birthmom did not ask for any contact and I am the one that started it, I will have to say as the years go I will base the contact on their comfort level as I will myself also. Right now I would not be comfortable with more as they are not in a good spot in life.

[HappyTwinsMom]

My daughters are both very well aware that they "grew in C's tummy" but they view her as sort of an abstract concept right now. (Girls are 7 years old.) Her name comes up in conversation on a regular basis, they both know their adoption story and ask questions whenever they want, but we don't live close enough for visits. So...like the previous two posters, it's probably more of a distant cousin kind of relationship. In my mind, the door is always open for more of a relationship as time goes by. We're just leaving it in the girls' hands and aren't "forcing" any particular kind of relationship.

[loveajax]

Hmmmm....Can I write a book? hahahah

I really don't have a proper way to describe how I view DD's birth parents. I definitely view them as a mother and father to her - - they created her, gave her her beauty, many of her talents, personality traits, etc. and of course her birth mom cared for her when she was pg and gave birth to her. I don't look at that as insignificant (at all!) but I also don't view them as part of "our family." It's weird because they have their other children and I just kind of consider them as having their family and we have ours. I don't know how DD will "view" it some day (hard to come up with the proper "analogies" sometimes). I don't mean this disrespectfully because they are very important people in our lives and could be SUPER important people in DD's life if that's how she wants it to be.

I definitely have given up on a sort of "singing Kumbaya by the campfire" relationship. There's been too much going on that I don't really have a great feeling about. It kind of bums me out, but I think those real true blue "family" kinds of OAs are pretty rare (and I'm sure people appreciate them when they have them!). I'm sort of coming to grips with realizing that it will be OK anyway.

[BabsCanada]

We are definitely 'extended family'

DD has an older brother and sister, and she talks / journals about them all the time; as she has attended the same school for all of her 8 school years now, and we are quite open about it, most teachers / peers know this. She has a brother and sister; they live with their mom in another city. She lives here, with us, her mom and dad. Plain. Simple.

Open adoption works when honesty is part of it. We don't meet for Sunday dinners regularly! but we do get together. We e-mail often. When my father passed away recently, and I suddenly was able to, thru inheritance, ask what our 'extended family' needed, we were able to help. When mortgage co. asked where downpayment was coming from, I said, tell them 'extended family'. The mortgage co wanted to be able to define 'family' - ??? And I simply said, a gift from extended family. Mortgage co was satisfied. Simply a question of it being a gift without repayment requirement. Yes. Yay.

I foresee an ongoing lifetime relationship with our extended family - as I always have - I love them and they love us. Yay.

[marythemom]

When my children were 11 and 13 they were placed with us (adoptive placement) from foster care where they had been for 1 1/2 -2 years. They were probably more attached to their foster parents. My son's foster dad has bowed out of the relationship. My daughter's foster mom has continued on as a "grandmother" figure.

My son, now 15, is still furious with biomom who dumped him into foster care because he was "out of control." Part of his illness (RAD, PTSD, bipolar, symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder...) causes him to view his world in black and white only. Because of his attachment disorder he does not have much of a relationship with the 2 sisters that biomom kept, although he talks to them on the phone every couple of months or so. Biodad has not wanted an active part in my son's life so my son is pretty angry with him too.

Our daughter is torn. She gets a guilty thrill from calling biomom by her first name. She does not understand why I will not allow her to talk to biomom. I do not allow biomom direct contact because she acts like
a) it is all the children's fault (not the way she raised them and the abusive men she allowed to troop through their lives and beat them)
b) she loves the children and this is just temporary (SHE chose to TPR - the state didn't even want that and tried to stop her from doing it)
c) I'm just a foster parent (I've never been the kid's foster parent).

I do allow the children unlimited access to all other birth family via the phone (they are in Nebraska and Oklahoma - we are in Texas and haven't visited yet). I have asked the biofamily to not give the children information about biomom's life (like telling my children that she is living with yet another abusive man), but they have not honored my request. Luckily, with tons of therapy, the children are getting to the point where they can handle this type of information better than they could 2 years ago.

[Free_to_be_me]

My family and my birthdaughter's family have basically "adopted" each other. I consider her entire family to be part of my extended family and they feel the same. As far as my relationship with P, we are sort of like aunt and niece, or maybe much older and much younger siblings who never lived together, or close family friends...but something different, too.

[Stormster]

Def. family....to varying degrees and like family if things are bad we keep our distance a bit.

[finallyamom0310]

I read your post last night and waited to think about it before responding. I have not read any of the other posts yet but will when I am done. I didn't want to change what I am about to say.

I envision DD's bmom as a special relationship. I see it as a relationship built on visits like all family that are not in the area but with more meaning. I am going to encourage her when she is old enough to take over the communications that I have been doing to build this relationship for her before she can do it herself. I hope one day she will be talking to her more on the phone / doing the emails instead of me and hopefully helping me with the blog.

That being said, I feel this relationship will also depend greatly on DD's BMom. There are times when we communicated too much. And then there are times like now where I haven't heard from her in nearly a month. I know we all have busy lives and that of a single person trying to get out of their parents house and into an appartment with todays economic situation is very trying. However, as an amom, I am keeping up with a job, family, house, and my end of the communications. Okay so that was a bit off topic but I think you get what I am trying to say.

[thanksgivingmom]

First of all, thanks for all the responses and PM's. I'm working on writing about this, so I just wanted to get some feedback from others in OA's to see how these relationships are envisioned across the board.

Thus far (at the ripe old OA age of 22 months! ha!) my relationship is being framed by D as being Cupcake's "friend." Selfishly (jealously?) I feel like my role isn't quite like a friend - or at least I hope it doesn't develop that way. I don't mean to say that I should be another version of Mom - please don't misunderstand. And I will gladly take whatever role is dealt to me...I'm just working through my own understanding of what I will be someday to Cupcake. And I do believe that a lot of that is framed by the interactions that we have when she's young.

[finallyamom0310]

TG - if it helps, DD's bmom said she was feeling at one point that her relationship was developing more like that of an Aunt. I tried to reasure her but I wonder if that is because you are not able to be with her more in order to develop the relationship further?

[Suziebearhugs]

With our kids extended birthfamilies like (grandparents, aunts, uncles) we consider them extended family, like the relationships I have with DH's family. We call them "Grandma ____" , "Grandpa___", "Aunt_____" etc. (we only insert the word "birth" before the title when we're actually talking to our children about how they are actually related to them.)

When it comes to my daughters birthmother I consider her more like an Aunt (kinda like she's my sister) but for my daughter I know she has a much deeper connection. We just call her by her first name. She has no title in front of her name, unless we are talking to our DD about her actual connection to her and we'll tell her she is her birthmom.

With birthsiblings it's similiar. We treat it like they are half siblings (siblings being raised in a different home). We call them by their first name and also use the terms brothers and sisters. We only clarify with Birth sister or birth brother when we're talking to our kids about their actual relation to them.

With my sons birthmom it's different. We really have no contact with her. He hasn't seen her in a very long time and wouldn't recognize or understand who she is in his life other than a stranger. With him we use the term "your birthmom _______" in trying to explain his adoption to him.

[lovemy2boys]

I envision my kids firstmoms kind of like Godparents...now, I don't mean "title" wise (this is no way an attempt to diminish the importance of being a firstmother, but an explanation of how integral Godmothers are in my family). They are family, but have a more meaningful place in each others lives than the other members of an extended family.

In our family, Godparents hold a special place in the lives of their Godchildren.

I have a Goddaughter (she's my cousin - younger than be by 19 years)...we have an unbelievable bond. We've always had a special relationship. I care for her and love her like my own...And I am "there" for her when she needs me - and she does need me. Her mother (my Aunt) died when my cousin was 10 - and although she had a 16 year old sister (my Mom is her Godmother), she still needed someone to "look out" for her as she grows into a woman.

Anyway, I hope my boys firstmoms are to them - someone special to love them and look out for them as they get older...

But really, I guess it depends on how their relationship progresses and what they want to be to each other - and I'll support that relationship, whether it be a friendship, or something more.