[ChromaKelly]

I'm on another forum where a debate - actually it was a "who are you voting for?" thread that got out of hand - is raging about abortion and unplanned pregnancy. Of course, those opposed to abortion keep raising adoption as a choice, which yes, it is. There is also an adoption announcement on this same forum of someone's sister who just adopted a baby. Between the two threads, I keep seeing so many comments that just make me go "Ick!". Like the "wonderful gift" ones, and the one that made my skin crawl the most, "God bless the birth mother for being so unselfish to make someone else's dream come true". On the other thread, there's all these "she could just give up the baby" comments. People act like it's that easy! Like you just deposit the baby in a drop box. And what about the nine months in between?

I am glad we have this forum where all members of the triad can participate. I truly appreciate the birth mother's perspective, and I'm sorry for how utterly clueless some people can be.

[Stormster]

It honestly and truly makes me wonder if someone with so little empathy can be a good parent.

Ugh I could go on but I don't have time.

[finallyamom0310]

I too am amazed that there are people out there that just don't think about what is really going on or what their words may say to others. That is why I do my best to avoid those threads.

[SchmennaLeigh]

My favorite is when I'm involved in these kind of political discussions in real life with people who don't know that I'm a birth mother. I just sit and silently explode inside. Thankfully, an adoptive mom friend of mine spoke up the other day and put someone in their place. Whew.

[finallyamom0310]

Originally Posted by SchmennaLeigh

My favorite is when I'm involved in these kind of political discussions in real life with people who don't know that I'm a birth mother. I just sit and silently explode inside. Thankfully, an adoptive mom friend of mine spoke up the other day and put someone in their place. Whew.

Actually, I think that might be fun. I am sure it is hard too but fun to watch someone squirm when they realize they should have kept their mouth shut.

[ocracoke]

I guess what bothers me about those kinds of comments is that it seems (and this is just my interpretation) that they assume that adoption is of only infants. If somebody said to me that I should be grateful that my bmom didn't have an abortion it would seem strange -- I was not adopted at birth. I was removed at 5.5 years old. Yes she could have had an abortion. Or she could have taken care of me. Or she could have not beaten me. Or she could have given me up for adoption. Or... I don't know the statistics on adoption of infants but adoption is not only of infants.

And yes I am grateful everyday to have my daughter in my life. And I know her bmom was unable to make the decision to make an adoption plan for her -- it must have been too difficult for her to think about giving a child up for adoption -- so it was up to her extended family to make that decision after she died. But some people make it seem like giving a child up for adoption is an easy option to consider. And I don't think that is true.

Samantha

[belleinblue1978]

Originally Posted by finallyamom0310

Actually, I think that might be fun. I am sure it is hard too but fun to watch someone squirm when they realize they should have kept their mouth shut.

I do that all the time. My state is voting on an abortion ban AGAIN (don't get me started) anyway people go on how abortion harms women but adoption makes women that place feel good about themselves and how lucky those babies are to be saved. OHHHHH I love saying, Oh really? And then telling people I'm both a firstmom and an adopted adult and pro choice.

Oh, I'm an evil B too who likes to make morons uncomfy.

(This post is not meant to start an abortion/adoption debate, just telling my experiences with the whole stupid thing.)

[meghann]

Originally Posted by SchmennaLeigh

My favorite is when I'm involved in these kind of political discussions in real life with people who don't know that I'm a birth mother. I just sit and silently explode inside. Thankfully, an adoptive mom friend of mine spoke up the other day and put someone in their place. Whew.

Obviously I don't have your same perspective on it, but...yeah.

I get really twitchy around election time because the discussion always comes up, and it's always presented so simplistically. I feel like a broken record, but I really want people to understand how complicated it is.

I don't particularly care whether or not someone supports reproductive choice; I just want people to stop saying things like: "Oh, well women who get pregnant & don't want their babies should just give their babies up [because they always use that phrasing...] for adoption; think of all those couples out there who are waiting to adopt..." It's just not that simple, and if anyone saying those sorts of things thought about it for a nanosecond they'd understand that.

(And also? I really resent being used as a pawn in the argument. I am waiting to adopt. I support choice. I understand that for some reason this boggles people's minds, but I really wish they'd stop using me to try to bolster their argument. It is because women have choices that I am comfortable with adopting; I don't think I could do it otherwise.)

[ChromaKelly]

(And also? I really resent being used as a pawn in the argument. I am waiting to adopt. I support choice. I understand that for some reason this boggles people's minds, but I really wish they'd stop using me to try to bolster their argument. It is because women have choices that I am comfortable with adopting; I don't think I could do it otherwise.)

Exactly!!! I got a number of those "how great C's bmom chose LIFE!" comments. I do not want our family to be used as some sort of example.

[binkybear]

Originally Posted by belleinblue1978

I do that all the time. My state is voting on an abortion ban AGAIN (don't get me started) anyway people go on how abortion harms women but adoption makes women that place feel good about themselves and how lucky those babies are to be saved. OHHHHH I love saying, Oh really? And then telling people I'm both a firstmom and an adopted adult and pro choice.

Oh, I'm an evil B too who likes to make morons uncomfy.

(This post is not meant to start an abortion/adoption debate, just telling my experiences with the whole stupid thing.)

I'm chucklin' to myself over here, only because I was thinking the same about "the morons" to use your phrase . (I'm not looking to be part of a thread like the OP stated she was reading or the debate you said you're not getting into either...totally on board with that one!!) But I'm the "evil" prolife gal who will be respectful, unemotional, and factual in my discussion with anyone. But like you I don't fret over persons getting uncomfy either, if all are willing to discuss. (I am not about bombarding persons uninterested in discussion, that's not productive for anyone). I'd rather feelings get squirmy and uncomfy than the precious life of a human child be imploded into itself, whether adoption is in the mix or not. I will make a darn good parent because of my overwhelming empathy for human life. I'd like to add that there are adoption services that work with all sides who view the topic similarly. There is a population of prolife bmoms & APs. They can find each other if they wish to.

That sums it up for me

PS...some of those "gift, unselfish, chose life" phrases listed in the OP sound very familiar though. I've read more of those sentences and sentiments on parent profiles and other adoptive "dear birthmother" sites than I can count. It's a common running theme out there. Is it more "ick" when coupled with the abortion topic or is it just as "ick" all toghether.

I'm reading a site and agency recommended book right now that is filled with letters stressing all of these phrases and sentiments. Are we talking from both sides in this adoption world and maybe creating what in the end offends us? Thinking out loud on that one.

[JustPeachy]

I'm a birthmom and I cannot stand when people say "oh, at least you didn't have an abortion" or "thank you for choosing life." I'm very pro-choice and my decision to have my baby had absolutlely nothing to do with being against abortion. It's just amazing the ASSumptions people make, isn't it?

[Fran27]

It's interesting... I don't really see things the same way... I do actually think that it takes a lot of courage for women to go ahead with the pregnancy and place their baby... I don't think it necessary qualifies the birthmothers as pro-life either, but it is probably much harder in the end than having an abortion.

I know I wouldn't ever address a birthmom with such comments though... It's wrong to assume that they're pro-life because they didn't have an abortion.

[belleinblue1978]

Originally Posted by Fran27

It's interesting... I don't really see things the same way... I do actually think that it takes a lot of courage for women to go ahead with the pregnancy and place their baby... I don't think it necessary qualifies the birthmothers as pro-life either, but it is probably much harder in the end than having an abortion.

I know I wouldn't ever address a birthmom with such comments though... It's wrong to assume that they're pro-life because they didn't have an abortion.

Exactly, placing my child for adoption has not exactly been a self esteem boosting experience. I don't run around thinking how wonderful I am because I carried my pregnancy to term and made another woman a mother. That wasn't my job in the first place and I resent the implication that my son is a gift. My gift was to him, people that were in a place to parent when I wasn't.

No, when I think about it, it is more along the lines of what a crappy person I am because I was irresponsible, got pregnant when I was 25 and should have been ready to parent, but wasn't. Yeah, I feel badly about that, and probably will my entire life.

I'm not saying that terminating is easy either, but adoption isn't about all warm fuzzies for women (and men) that place.

[belleinblue1978]

Originally Posted by binkybear

PS...some of those "gift, unselfish, chose life" phrases listed in the OP sound very familiar though. I've read more of those sentences and sentiments on parent profiles and other adoptive "dear birthmother" sites than I can count. It's a common running theme out there. Is it more "ick" when coupled with the abortion topic or is it just as "ick" all toghether.

I'm reading a site and agency recommended book right now that is filled with letters stressing all of these phrases and sentiments. Are we talking from both sides in this adoption world and maybe creating what in the end offends us? Thinking out loud on that one.

When people say things like that to me, quite frankly I get nauseous. I feel selfish because I didn't pony up and raise my son. I feel like I placed him and then went on to have fun and stuff that I wouldn't have been able to otherwise. (Don't get me wrong, my life isn't filled with exotic vacations and expensive stuff, just that I can do what I want when I want.)

I will forever feel like I was irresponsible and created a situation that should have never happened in the first place.

Does that mean I wish I wouldn't have carried him? No, it means I wish I wouldn't have gotten pregnant in the first place.

[feelingreyt]

Originally Posted by Fran27

It's interesting... I don't really see things the same way... I do actually think that it takes a lot of courage for women to go ahead with the pregnancy and place their baby... I don't think it necessary qualifies the birthmothers as pro-life either, but it is probably much harder in the end than having an abortion.

I know I wouldn't ever address a birthmom with such comments though... It's wrong to assume that they're pro-life because they didn't have an abortion.

I agree that it is probably harder to place a child for adoption than it would be to have an abortion. Both would come with serious regrets though I'm sure. I know of 2 women who have had abortions and both of them have told me that they have serious regrets. One of them even told that she would hear a baby crying in the middle of night. It was in her head and she just couldn't get it out. So when I say that when you have an abortion "it's basically over" I am not meaning the emotional scars, however, it has to be so different than when you place a child. With that, there must always be a "wonder" aspect. Not wondering what they would be like had they been born, but actually wondering how they ARE. Does this make sense at all? It's never over. Atleast it wouldn't be for me. With abortion it is 100% FINAL that child is gone. With adoption, the child may be gone from YOUR life but not gone to the point that there is no worrying how they are, who they are, ect. Maybe I am projecting too much here and maybe I am way off topic, but these are just my thoughts, FWIW.
In the end, for me, both would be extremely hard choices to live with, but I believe adoption would be the most difficult. I think, but then again, I have never BTDT in either situation.