[mommy3]

I work with college students and have been asked to help many times over the years when someone was deciding what to do about their pregnancy. I'm very clear with reminding them that NO MATTER what they choose to do, they will live with their decision for the rest of their life. None of their choices are simple once they are pregnant. One of my friend's dd's birthmom's has said that she couldn't make anyone happy. . . that there wasn't a 4th great choice; she only had a choice btw adoption, parenting or abortion -- there wasn't a 4th choice -- and so she chose adoption for her baby.

I cringe when I hear, "I could NEVER do that", as in make an adoption decision. More than once I've shared that thankfully, our children's birthparents COULD "do that" -- and that none of us can ever know what it took to make their decisions. I've asked each of the people who've said it to please never say that to me again, as it demeans my children's birthmothers and their very painful decisions. We've just tried to all go on together (very open adoptions), recognizing our essential roles, each of us, in our children's lives. susan

[Sohmakun]

I HATE IT when people said "Oh, its so great your 'rescuing' a baby from those crackheads!". We all have been in stressful situations and many of us have probably used drugs at least once to forget them so who are we to judge?

BTW how do you guys deal with these situations when they arise? I have trouble finding the right words to say.

[ChromaKelly]

I've gotten a couple of the oh we "rescued" a baby from the welfare roles and a life of poverty, and some hinting type questions "was the birthmother ... healthy?" Like DH said, we elevated him from lower-middle class to middle class, woo.

To clarify a bit, I do think placing a baby takes courage, that wasn't what's cringe-inducing for me. It's the whole "what a great gift" and "making someone's dream come true" that make me go ick.

[belleinblue1978]

Originally Posted by Sohmakun

I HATE IT when people said "Oh, its so great your 'rescuing' a baby from those crackheads!". We all have been in stressful situations and many of us have probably used drugs at least once to forget them so who are we to judge?

BTW how do you guys deal with these situations when they arise? I have trouble finding the right words to say.

I'd just like to add that plenty of first mothers that place voluntarily do not use drugs. I smoked pot ONCE way back before I was even with my son's first dad. So maybe that is what you say, I didn't rescue my child from a crackhead, in fact most firstparents don't use drugs at all.

[Whirled_Peas]

Originally Posted by belleinblue1978

I'd just like to add that plenty of first mothers that place voluntarily do not use drugs. I smoked pot ONCE way back before I was even with my son's first dad. So maybe that is what you say, I didn't rescue my child from a crackhead, in fact most firstparents don't use drugs at all.

I'm really off topic here, but this hit a chord for me. We originally were working with an agency. We told them that, if there were drugs involved, we wanted to know before being presented. Our reason was we wanted an OA and wanted ongoing contact with the parents (though we certainly didn't mandate contact.) We felt if there were lots of drugs involved the relationship with the family might not work for us--though it might depending on the circumstances. The agency said we were unlikely to find an emom that didn't do drugs.

We ended up doing a private adoption. The irony is that the mom that chose us didn't do any drugs AND she has chosen to not have contact at this time. She knows we're open to it, but it's easier for her heart to not have contact at this time.

So it irks me that even an agency is on the all moms do drugs track.

[Mommy24]

Originally Posted by Sohmakun

I HATE IT when people said "Oh, its so great your 'rescuing' a baby from those crackheads!". We all have been in stressful situations and many of us have probably used drugs at least once to forget them so who are we to judge?

BTW how do you guys deal with these situations when they arise? I have trouble finding the right words to say.

This is just one more stereotype we as first parents fight! It irks me, it really.irks.me.

[belleinblue1978]

Originally Posted by Whirled_Peas

So it irks me that even an agency is on the all moms do drugs track.

We fight that all the time. I think part of it is that society has to have a reason for us placing our children. We can't be decent people and not want our baby donchya know?