[JenC]

Ug. I've written a little before about this, but here's the short story: Josh (18 mo) is aggressive when something triggers him - tired, mad, etc. Biting, scratching/grabbing/clawing...hey, at least he hasn't tried to kick yet!

We've been consistent for at least 6 months with appropriate redirection/correction. It's not showing any improvement, but we're thinking that when his language skills improve, the need to physically hurt us will diminish.

A few nights ago, he was all torqued up about something (I think he wanted access to the garbage if I remember) and he came at me baring all 7 1/2 teeth. I had a hold of his hand (because he was also trying to claw) and just as he tried to bit me, I moved my hand so he bit himself (hard enough to leave marks for a few minutes). I figured he'd learn that biting hurts and quit.

Wrong! Now, he just jumps right to biting himself! Just as we're trying to teach him that it's not ok to hurt others, we want to teach him that it's not ok to deliberately hurt himself either. Obviously he needs something physical to do when he needs the outlet for anger/frustration. I'm very hesitant to teach him to kick something (pillow??) because that's one more way he can hurt. We've thought of a punching bag, but that can't always be close.

Ideas??

Please??

[ourdreamcametru]

I know he is still small but maybe redirecting him to an age approiate puzzle in a special area would help. I also have a friend who has a Son who has a horrible temper, he's 5 now. When he was smaller she would give him playdoh, silly puddy etc when he started to "lose it" and he could kneed this and before you knew it he was having fun playing! She said she choose this because she could carry it anywhere and it wouldn't make a mess. I even passed them once at the mall and he was playing with playdoh on the tray of his stroller to keep him from melting down while she shopped! Hang in there, he'll learn to control his anger as he gets older and once he is verbal this will help too.

[marythemom]

When I worked in childcare we would frequently get biters. One thing we did was give them teething toys. Frozen was best, but if the child was consistent then we sometimes put them on those pacifier holders. We redirected gently to chew on the teething rings instead of their friends.

I have a very orally fixated son who we give dog teething toys to because he chews up the baby ones - but he's 15 so has stronger teeth!

Biggest thing is to try to figure out your child's triggers and see if you can avoid them. For my bioson if he was tired, hungry, or ill he was more likely to have meltdowns (obviously not much you can do about illness).

For his sisters it was being overstimulated or not getting enough transistion time. We tried to control the environment (reduce the number of toys in her room and surrounding areas, not invite more than one playmate over if any, avoid going to places with lots of noise and activities). To help with transistions, we gave lots of warning before we changed activities and tried to get everywhere a little early so we didn't need to rush.

[ocracoke]

Jen,

I have no ideas but I wanted just wanted to say that I think that this must be very hard on you. I hope you find a solution soon.

Samantha

[oceanica]

Hey Jen, this sounded like a terrible problem... did you get it resolved or find good ways to deal with it?

[JenC]

We're slowly working towards solving it. I really think (ok, hope!) that once he's old enough to really talk and put words to his feelings it will stop. For now, we do 3 things:

1. Give him the words to his feelings. Ex. - "You're mad. You're mad, but you may NOT hurt when you're mad"

2. We've given him a pacifier. He never took to one and he's not that attached to it, but we keep explaining that when he's mad and wants to bite, he can bite that, not himself or Mama, Daddy. He actually hasn't used it to bite, but just handing it to him when I can see the biting triggers has a calming effect for him. Maybe just knowing he has something he can bite helps?

3. When he starts up, I pick him up and hold him on my lap, making sure his arms are down at his sides so he can't bite them and say something like "I know you're mad, you may not bite (or hurt people, if the offense is pinching). Mommy will help you until you can be nice." I just keep repeating something like that a few times until he chills out.

I read about that on another website - something about how toddlers can't regulate their emotions (OBVIOUSLY!!) and having a calm Mommy/Daddy holding them will help them learn to self-regulate eventually.

I don't think any one of these things alone will fix it, but I really think a combination of everything and just time/more verbal skills will help!

Hopefully.

Otherwise I might start drinking.

[nikkianni]

Hang in there Jen, it sounds like you've got a good plan and are using it, which is a bog deal.
DD isn't quite as wild, but the hair pulling has turned to pinching, which she now has to learn is equally unacceptable.
I agree, the calm face and voice go a long way.
DH has a tendency to try to treat her like an older child at these times and I'm constantly explaining that she just can't fully understand and process what he's saying yet.
Just our little issue is exhausting, so I can't imagine how tiring yours is. Hang in there!

[finallyamom0310]

Jen, you sound like you are doing great. I am sure it is very nerve wracking at times. DD is still pulling hair and biting occassionaly but it does get further between events. keep up the good work.

[court5505]

My DD went through a phase like this too. We just continued to use time outs like we do for other misbehaviors. She eventually stopped. I don't know if she outgrew it or what. It was a frustrating time period, but it's over now. Now she puts her animals and dolls in time out and says, "No biting!" or "We do not hit". At least it stuck with her!

[wishing4more]

Oh JenC...you could be writing about my 18 month old son!

My baby also has aggression problems. He has 4 older siblings and they are truely afraid of him! He bites, scratches, hits, pinches and pulls hair!

I had been trying the stern verbal correction and having him sit down on the floor for a few seconds to no avail. Right now I'm trying to help him learn gentle ways of interacting like soft touch and hugs. I remind him to be gentle and that seems to be replacing the painful interaction (so far).

I too hope that with maturity he will be able to express himself other ways. Good luck!

[Wisdom]

JenC,
It sounds like you're making progress. I heard a suggestion recently on a radio show that sounds similar to what you're doing. I believe the woman's son was around the same age, maybe a little older. He would react violently with some of his toys (throw them, try to break them) if they wouldn't do what he wanted them to do or if he tripped on one and got hurt. The advice given was everytime the parent saw the child get ready to react violently they would need to hold his hands and hold the toy he was going to throw and say "wrong" and then proceed to ask him if he got hurt ("let mommy/daddy see it/kiss it"....). The behavior should subside as you continue to help him see that his reaction is wrong. She suggested saying "wrong" because a child at that age may not understand too many words.

[qs mom]

Have you tried baby sign? Maybe if he can communicate his needs using sign language, he might not be as frustrated. Baby sign is really pretty easy to learn and teach the baby.

Simple things - hungry, thirsty, more, potty, play, angry, etc.

My son was older - 33 months - but didn't speak English. So, I had similar issues with him. I spoke the words in by his native language (as best I could), English and sign. He picked up sign very quickly.

The daycare he went to started it in the infant room. The kids were happier and quieter because they could communicate.

[sporty]

But, when his goal is to hurt you, what do you do about your feelings? If I'm tired or just relaxed happy, and my daughter suddenly decides I need to be physically harmed by her, it can really upset me and I have trouble handling my anger. It even changes my feelings for her, and I wonder, what can I do to get out of this adoption? An otherwise nice situation becomes a nightmare.

[arkansas parent]

My almost 11mo old has been doing the same thing for a couple months. He has head bunted me so hard he has busted my lip (several times). He use to only do it when he was tired or upst , but now he bites and pulls hair even when he is happy. I have been redirecting him or I tell him " no no you can't hurt mommy", but it doesn't seem to be helping.