[Ann07]

I've posted on this before.....Two of my friends are pregnant. I just get this feelings of dread....jealousy maybe. My DH thinks that I can't be happy for anyone. It is not that I am not happy for them, I think it is, I am sad for myself. Life goes on, people have babies and they should.

I don't like to talk about other people being pregnant. I think I had such a hard, difficult time in my infertility and as my children get older I am afraid that I won't be able to have another little one. It is the fear that knocks me off my feet.

I don't know what I am looking for I just need to vent about this. I can't talk about this to anyone else and it just eats me up inside.

[Gwen72]

When my friends get pregnant I admit that I get depressed and a little angry about it at first. I am happy for them, but sad for me. About the same time that we anounced we were signing with an adoption agency, two friends became pregnant. Since we are open to any race and gender we were told it would only be a few months for us to get a baby. My friends said they were "jealous" because I wasn't going to have to wait nine months or go through labor. They were also happy that I was buying gender neutral clothes so that as my baby outgrew them their babies would be born and I could hand them down. They have both had their babies, one girl and one boy. I am still waiting for mine. They are both saving their baby clothes to hand down to me. I am sorry you are having a hard time with this. I wish this didn't have to be so hard. If you need to vent I am here.

[Stormster]

I think many of us understand. I'm sort of on the healed end of things. I've gotten to the point where I am neutral about seeing pregnant women, couldn't care less about showers (though I haven't been invited to any in a long time and probably wouldn't attend).

But yesterday someone I really like who is the mother of an only child let me know she's be trying for another (and that she gets pregnant easily) and I felt a bit gutted. I kind of muttered "good luck with that" and walked off (well I was walking off anyway so it wasn't THAT weird) but you get the picture.

Also I no longer cringe when playground talk goes to "where'd you deliver" etc. I can just listen and not react.

[millie58]

I'm also on the healed end; I've been to a shower and not gotten upset. Not sure about the talk. I was at a dinner for a football team. A group of moms was talking about their labor and delivery. I HAD to leave. Haven't been in that situation in awhile so not sure how I'd respond now.

[feelingreyt]

Ann,
I'm sure it is more of you being sad for yourself than not being happy for your friends. It is hard. I know, I lived it too. All 3 of my sister's and 1 of my close cousins got pregnant accidentally when I was trying like crazy. I was so sad for me. I was jealous. I was mad. But, I was happy for them. Some people may not understand that you can have all of those emtions at the same time, but you can. It's not easy to process so many conflicting feelings. Coming on here to vent will probably help. My thoughts are with you.

[mdesi]

Originally Posted by Ann07

I've posted on this before.....Two of my friends are pregnant. I just get this feelings of dread....jealousy maybe. My DH thinks that I can't be happy for anyone. It is not that I am not happy for them, I think it is, I am sad for myself. Life goes on, people have babies and they should.

I don't like to talk about other people being pregnant. I think I had such a hard, difficult time in my infertility and as my children get older I am afraid that I won't be able to have another little one. It is the fear that knocks me off my feet.

I don't know what I am looking for I just need to vent about this. I can't talk about this to anyone else and it just eats me up inside.

I totally get what you are saying. It is hard. You want to be happy for those around you, but when you know that you can't have it, or it is unlikely to happen for you, it really feels like someone hit your chest w/ a medicine bag when you were not looking.

We got certified the Thursday before Mother's Day. My one SIL made a big announcement that another woman at our table would be a mother by the next Mother's Day. (My first thought was "Don't make that promise.") Then, she announced that my other SIL was pregnant. (Of course, she never wanted kids and was doing drugs and is an alcoholic, so why not?) I was devestated, which I did not think I could be. I mean my instincts are to be happy for everyone, but they just shut off. Unfortunately, she m.c., and I felt even worse about that.

I can totally relate to you.

[aallen25]

I'm on the healed end although I can relate. The same month DH and I learned of our infertility two of my cousins and my SIL announced they were pregnant. That was hard. Since then though I've had no choice but to get past my issues because in the short year and a half that has gone by since that day my two cousins, SIL, and six friends have had babies and another friend and sister announced they were pregnant....my sister's was not planned at all. The funny thing is DD was born before all six of my friend's and my cousin's babies. My SIL was the only one who gave birth before DD was born but only because she delivered almost a month early.

Anyway, part of what has helped me is to just focus on what I have. I feel so blessed to be DD's mom. She really has been the answer to all of my prayers and I'm so thankful for that that I don't really find myself feeling sorry or sad for myself anymore. I guess I've kind of taken the attitude of it is what it is and I can't change it.

[ourdreamcametru]

I remember the night my SIL had her first daughter. We had two beautiful, healthy boys already but I wanted a girl so bad and after we left the hospital DH and I went to eat and all I could do was cry. Like you said, I was happy for her but so sad for me. I hated being that way but truly was feeling a void in my life and it seemed like everyone around me was getting what I wanted. I think it's normal so give yourself some time.

[crystalp]

During the last year and a half since we started trying to adopt, 7 babies have been born to close family members and friends of ours. That was really hard! I just keep telling myself that our time will come, too, and holding as many babies as I can!

[finallyamom0310]

I too am on the healing end and can say that for me I started healing when DD was born. It was such a whirlwind situation for us that I just now think I am finally feeling relaxed and that it really is true that I am a mom now. However, I know exactly how you feel. When I was waiting for DD my brother and SIL ended up PG with their 5th child. Then when I called to tell them we were out of state and adopting a girl, they announced they were PG with #6. I finally didn't cringe and was able to enjoy their news.

I also went to a baby shower last week for another SIL and she is having twins via IVF. She has had three IVF cycle and has one son that is three and 2 on the way. I can say although I am thrilled for her I am jealous of those that are successful through IVF. Luckily I can finally celebrate this pregnancy with her.

Hugs to you and baby dust in hopes that you find your child and a way to heal soon.

[wantaskinbaby]

Oh, Ann07, I am so sorry for your pain. Often others don't even realize the pain of infertility. Other times, people think that because they have suffered infertility, they understand EXACTLY how you feel. We're each individuals with different feelings and what would make one person happy or sad may elicit different feelings in another. You have EVERY RIGHT to ALL of your emotions, hapiness for your friends and sadness for yourself. One thing that has been strange for me is people assuming that I am going to be bothered by something. I would rather them let me decide what is going to bother me and what isn't. It's different for everyone.

I do understand the fear of not being able to have another child. I get so scared that DH and I will be one hundred years old before we ever get our first child, and because of our age it will be impossible to adopt another one. But love and fear do not make good companions, so I try to keep the fear at bay and keep going.

One thing that has helped me through infertility, failed adoption and now this foster care thing, is that I constantly remind myself that my journey is my journey and no one else's. I am irreplaceable (this may or may not be a good thing to some LOL) and my children (when they finally become members of my family) are irreplaceable. Others' children are NOT the children I am meant to have and I want ONLY the children that are meant for me and no one else's.

If I could just hug you and let you experience your grief and fear in the presence of a fellow sufferer, I would. I guess that's why we're all here. Cyber hugs to you.

[SupaModel]

It never really bother me before I started the process. Well at least I kept telling myself how fabulous my life was and I didn't really need a baby. I traveled to Europe and all over the country. I wore designers clothes and dined at the most chic restaurants in SF & NYC. I kept telling myself my life was perfect and they are sad for settling down and having children. I was selfish and I knew it and it was all about me so it's good I couldn't have children.

The truth is deep down with everything I had really wanted to have the option to become a mom. Something I really never thought would happen. This time last year the feelings started to get really strong and I felt I NEEDED to have a baby. I finally let myself hope. Of course when that happened and we decided to finally adopt 6 of my girlfriends became pregnant!! ALL around the same time!! I was soooo jealous. This time my material things didn't help. I wanted a baby!

I remember walking with a GF and I told her that it's hard because they are were gonna have their babies and I might not get one until maybe a year(s) afterwards. Well god works in mysterious ways. 2 weeks before the first of the 6 ladies was to deliver I got DS!!! I couldn't believe I went from crying because they all were pregnant to having the first baby out of that group. Crazyness!

[fisbaby]

Everything you're feeling is completely normal Ann07. I think the majority (and I know not all) feel, felt at one point, or will feel the exact same way you are at some point in time. I know that I have and still do have those moments. Before we got our little man it was really bad. It was hard for me to attend baby showers, talk to pregnant people, etc etc. Now that we have our little blessing I don't have trouble doing most of those things but I can openly admit that it still kind of rubs me the wrong way sometimes and I still have absolutely no desire to talk about pregnancy stuff. Talk to me about baby stuff b/c I got to do all of those things also. I got to pick out names, I got to go shopping, I got to set up the nursery but I did not get to hear the heartbeat, feel the kicking, etc. etc. so please don't talk to me about that part. Most pregnant people I've tried to explain this to do not get it at all so I officially give up and have decided that I must either avoid them completely or just realize that I have to suck it up and cry later if necessary.

I'm sorry that you're having a hard time right now though. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

[mom2justynsarah]

I could not have said it better than you!!

I think those of us with infertility issues can eventually heal. But I liken the healing process to the formation of a scab. First you have an injury, you are bleeding and feeling pain. So you tend to it. Eventually, a scab will form and harden. But while your healing, if it gets picked at, or bumped into, the wound can re-open. Inevitably, the body heals and the scab falls off. Sometimes you are left with a scar, and sometimes nothing at all. For those of us left with a scar, it is a reminder of the wound. Same thing with infertility.

Although I have two miracle kids (one son by IVF, and my daughter though open adoption), I can STILL feel a slight tug in my tummy..an ache of envy perhaps? (when I find out someone I know is pregnant).

But I feel as though I am rambling. Sorry for that. I just wanted to add my 2 cents!

Originally Posted by fisbaby

Everything you're feeling is completely normal Ann07. I think the majority (and I know not all) feel, felt at one point, or will feel the exact same way you are at some point in time. I know that I have and still do have those moments. Before we got our little man it was really bad. It was hard for me to attend baby showers, talk to pregnant people, etc etc. Now that we have our little blessing I don't have trouble doing most of those things but I can openly admit that it still kind of rubs me the wrong way sometimes and I still have absolutely no desire to talk about pregnancy stuff. Talk to me about baby stuff b/c I got to do all of those things also. I got to pick out names, I got to go shopping, I got to set up the nursery but I did not get to hear the heartbeat, feel the kicking, etc. etc. so please don't talk to me about that part. Most pregnant people I've tried to explain this to do not get it at all so I officially give up and have decided that I must either avoid them completely or just realize that I have to suck it up and cry later if necessary.

I'm sorry that you're having a hard time right now though. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

[Whirled_Peas]

Before we got our baby, I found out a close friend was pregnant. I lay in bed that night wondering how I would get through the next several months. I was happy for her but sad for me.

I was lucky, I got out of bed and there was an email with a lead. It gave me some hope as her pregnancy advanced. Then we got our baby all of a sudden one Sunday morning. Our sons are 7 months apart (mine is the older, hers the younger.) Turns out our baby and her fetus are 7 months apart. Maybe you'll find similar luck. I hope you do.

BTDT on how you are feeling. I send you the best.