[rasmdawn]

Sorry this is so long, but I really need some advice. Thanks in advance for any insights/help you can offer!

We adopted our little miracle in June. He was placed with us when he was 8 days old and had been at home with his birthmom for his first week.

The placement was done through an out-of-state partnering agency with our local agency so I did not know anything about the placing agency until after the match was already made. The match was only made 1 day before the placement. When we got "the call" telling us we had a baby I told the agency director that my husband and I were really committed to an open adoption and asked her to talk to our sweet birthmom about it to gauge her feelings. I could tell at that time the agency director wasn't as committed to open adoption as we were, but that she would talk to our birthmom. Our birthmom did say she wanted an open adoption agreement and we both signed an agreement that included phone calls, letters/photos and visits.

The placement was made on a Saturday and we were supposed to meet our birthmom the following day. When Sunday came around I got a call from the agency director saying she couldn't get a hold of the birthmom to pick her and her other children up to come meet us. I was very sad, but understood that she was probably feeling very overwhelmed and just may not be ready. I was hoping that while we were still waiting for ICPC to go through she may feel ready to meet us.

Our wait was not w/o some complications, including a potential scare (that ended up being nothing) about the birthfather communicated by the birthmother to the agency. Long story short, our time waiting for ICPC elapsed before we ever got the opportunity to meet her (by her and/or the agency director's choice, not ours).

Once we got home the agency director said she didn't think we should contact the birthmom, that she hadn't expressed any interest in meeting us when we were there and that we should just "move on" (to use her words). If it were appropriate, I'd have a few words of my own about her to share! I just couldn't believe what I was hearing!

It is very clear our placing agency will be no help as we try to figure out how to have an open adoption at this point. Because we never had the opportunity to meet our birthmother, we never were able to exchange contact information with her. However, on the medical records we received, you can make out her address.

My question is this ... should we try to contact her directly or not? She has no way to contact us, and frankly, I believe if she called the placing agency to ask for help in contacting us, she wouldn't get any help in doing so. We are the only ones who have the ability to contact her at this point. But, I don't want to do it if she really doesn't want it, which is what the agency director implied. And, I also don't know how ethical it is for me to use contact information we found on medical records instead of contact information we were given directly. To complicate things further, the address we have is to an apartment. I know she won't be there forever, so I don't want to wait too long if contacting her is the right answer.

I really want our son to have an open relationship with his birthmom, and I never want our sweet baby to feel like the reason he doesn't have a relationship with his birthmother is because we didn't try hard enough, but I also want to be respectful of her feelings and desires.

If you were in my situation, what would you do?

Thank you for all your help/advice. I just want to do the right thing for everyone involved!

As a side note, we finalize in December and I'm very excited! Adoption is truly a miracle!

[ChromaKelly]

I would maybe send a letter including your phone number and/or email, and let her know that you would like to have contact, but are not sure what her feelings are. That way, you have made your wishes known, and if she wants to contact you, then she has the information and can.

[lovemy2boys]

I agree with chroma...

Send a letter and maybe some pics, give your info and tell her that when she is ready, if she is ready, to contact you.

Congratulations, by the way!

[Whirled_Peas]

Our birthmom did not tell her other children about the pregnancy. She does not want them to know. At first she did not want to meet us, but decided she wanted to before signing. She came to our house. I am so glad we met her. She clearly loves our baby and it is obvious how hard it was for her to place. It is her choice to not have contact. I think it would be too painful and we will not infringe on her by contacting her.

However, she has our contact info. I would suggest sending a letter. I'm not sure I would include photos and I would be very cautious of what you write. What if her other kids open it?

Also, you may want to include a return receipt notification. That way you know it got delivered. Nothing she has to sign for, only acknowledgment that it was delivered.

[feelingreyt]

I would send a short simple letter telling her everyone is doing well. Tell her you are giving her your info so she can contact you if she wishes.
I wouldn't send photos, not with the first letter.
Good luck!

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by Whirled_Peas

Our birthmom did not tell her other children about the pregnancy. She does not want them to know. At first she did not want to meet us, but decided she wanted to before signing. She came to our house. I am so glad we met her. She clearly loves our baby and it is obvious how hard it was for her to place. It is her choice to not have contact. I think it would be too painful and we will not infringe on her by contacting her.

However, she has our contact info. I would suggest sending a letter. I'm not sure I would include photos and I would be very cautious of what you write. What if her other kids open it?

Also, you may want to include a return receipt notification. That way you know it got delivered. Nothing she has to sign for, only acknowledgment that it was delivered.

Delivery confirmation is a good idea--you can track delivery online, but recipient does not have to sign for it or anything. It's not expensive, either. You will know when it was delivered, so you can be sure your letter didn't get lost in the mail.

Return receipt would mean the recipient would have to sign for the letter. If they are not home, they have to go to the PO to sign and get the letter-

[belleinblue1978]

I would send a child your child's birthmom, give her the information, and let it be at that. I'm sure you want more, but it takes time to work through the initial shock and pain of placing, and it is a lifetime's work, actually. I was really questioning my worth to my son after I placed him, she may be going through some of that, and may be part of the reason she didn't visit when you were there.