[oceanica]

I was just thinking about a discussion I had with my brother who has two sons, ages 9 and 11. He seems to think he can "see" what they are good at and direct them into a career that would be best for them. Now Athena is 8 weeks and of course I often think about what she will be like when she grows up and what career she will pursue... will she go to medical school like me (she'd be a good surgeon with her long fingers, or a piano player), or will she go into sports or be in politics or science... heck she could even be the first female black president someday!! And should I enroll her in gymnastics or guitar or singing classes when she gets older? But he takes it awfully far, as if he's to decide what they will be. He says that his son is good at writing and struggles at math so he is going to direct him into a journalism career where he can write for a magazine or newspaper or something and have a "good job". He has other ideas for the younger son. He backs this up by telling me that someone he knows is a roofer and so is his son. Idk, it seems awfully presumptous to me... isn't the good thing about this country that we can be what we want to be and we aren't in predetermined roles? What if his son doesn't want a "job" and wants to work for himself or own his own business like my brother and I do?
No one else in my family is a physician and yet I am. How much do we affect our children's career choices, and how much influence is the right amount?

[chrisandaaron]

I'm all for letting my kids be whatever they want to be. My parents were awesome about that...and none of us kids do the same kind of work my parents did. Although, I can certainly see my kids in certain types of careers already. For their first Halloween we dressed DS #1 as a chef because he loved to play with pot/pans/food. DS #2 was a doctor because he is very smart/quiet and precise. Funny thing is DS #1 still loves to help me cook (he is almost 3) and we always say DS #2 will either be a doctor or mechanic because he is very precise and loves cars.

At almost 3 years old...
DS #1 is all about being a police officer like daddy or a fireman (close enough) right now.
DS#2 is still my most likely to be a doctor (maybe and optometrist like mommy).

I was recently telling someone that the boys were going to dress up as a police officer and firefighter for Halloween (DS #1's choice) and DD was going to be a doctor/nurse (still have the costume from before). DS #1 proudly INSISTED that DD was going to be an EYE doctor! (Wonder where he got that from)

[binkybear]

I think it's great for parents to notice what their children excel at and encourage those things in and outside of the home (sports, arts, music, math, sciences, etc). But to take it to this level, where at 9 & 11 you're picking out or bold enough to assume their career paths...well, it's a recipe for disaster for both parent and child. It's creating unrealistic expectations for a child and (the way I see it) stiffling them by not allowing them to reach their true full potential on their own. It's assuming that they will never grow beyond their childhood likes, dislikes, or challenges. It's assuming that "good jobs" of today will still be "good jobs" of tomorrow.

Parents often label thier kids...."the "miracle child", "the funny one", "the serious one", "the actress" , "the shy one", "the dare devil" or "the little artist". As much as parents don't mean them to be a negative...some times they are. Even the most honest and well meaning parental label can stiffle a child and put expectations on them that are just not fair or easy to escape...in reality or mentally. Children will often resign to the label rather than reach beyond it.

It's a shame your brother thinks he can map out a child's future in such a way. I hope he does allow his kids to just be themselves...they might just surprise him

[Stormster]

I truly believe you can see the person a child will be very early. But to pick out specific careers is a bit to much for me! Still I'll bet a lot of people can look back and say the career they chose reflected something of who they were as a child.

[jalapeno]

I want to allow my children the freedom to pursue their own interests. I want to be able to help them find their passion and encourage them to reach their potential.

However, I also think the number of options out there could be incredibly overwhelming for a child. I remember feeling that way when I was in high school. I knew what "subjects" I was interested in but had no idea how that would translate to a career. I want to do more for my kids than say "you can do anything you want!" and then just leave them on their own to figure out what that might be. I'd like my kids to gain experience while still in high school in one of a handful of careers that my husband and I already have in mind. We're not going to force them to do anything and I have no problem with them choosing something else if they really have a passion for it. It's something we HOPE to be able to do because I think we can give them a real boost in certain areas. My own father provided me with a number of work opportunities while I was younger that I ended up learning a lot from. It took me many years to figure out what I wanted to do but at least I was able to support myself in the meantime. We hope to be able to work with our kids on this so that they'll have some type of work beyond fast food while they're figuring out what to do with their lives. It's not unusual anymore for people to have a number of distint careers throughout their lives (the last statistic I saw was that the average was 3 but I don't know how that was determined). So I see no problem with helping to guide (NOT push or force) our children into their first career. And I certainly don't think 9 is too young to start developing a plan. That's old enough to set up a lemonade stand - what's wrong with a parent suggesting maybe the child would prefer to walk dogs instead? I have a perspective that my child doesn't have - why shouldn't they benefit from that? Already there are times when I (gently) push my daughter to try something that I know she'll enjoy even if she doesn't think so. I let it go if she really doesn't want to. But when I'm able to encourage her to try, she likes it! So, I feel as though I already have ideas as to where each of my kids will excel and find enjoyment. The "career" plan just needs to stay flexible and include the kids input.

[Gwen72]

When I was little I struggled in school to get C's. I was in trouble for fighting all the time. Teachers could not make me sit down and listen in class. They told my parents I would end up dead or in prison. My brother was doing 3rd grade work in kindergarten. He was on the honor roll every semester of his entire accedemic career. He was on the National Honor society and the Who's Who of High School Students. Today, I have a degree in Paramedic Science from the biggest medical school in my state and am working on a degree in Nursing. He got a degree in Comparative Literature from a prestigious school in Chicago and is a secretary. We both went to school and are successful in our careers despite the dire predictions of my teachers. You can't predict a child's future life and career path based on what they do as children. They will find thier own way in thier own time. That's my experience anyway.

[ocracoke]

I think it is impossible to tell a career at such a young age. So much change happens in the teenage years. But my daughter insists she is going to be a horse doctor -- I am fine with this as long as I am not paying for vet school. LOL Personally I still believe that there is a very good chance she will end up being a acrobatic circus performer. As long as she can support herself and enjoys it, I don't care what her career is.

Samantha

[crick]

I have 11, 10,9 & 8 year olds and their "plans" for the future change all the time, which is good because it means they are exploring and developing interests all the time.

I typically encourage their interests and just go with the flow. I don't quash anything and try to help them think outside the box they are in. For example, one of my sons wants to be a spy. And he's serious about it. lol! So I encourage that avenue and talked about things like 9-11, the FBI, CIA, etc. and allowed him to see that being a spy isn't what you see in movies and how it can translate into a concrete plan. That might change tomorrow and he'll want to be a gourmet chef though, so I feel all I can really do is expand on things and keep introducing things to them.

I can see where your brother is going because you do notice what their strengths are and want to encourage that. However, if you limit their dreams and give them a push to only pursue a few areas, I think you miss out on helping them develop passion. I want my kids to truly want to do the things they do and not just because something offers a lot of money or whatever else is seen as "important".

The one thing I *do* push is being serious about their education and also how they can help themselves succeed by being in sports, music, and other ways to help them achieve whatever dreams they might have. Scholarships and things like that. They already know that it takes work to succeed and they are not going to be handed anything. We are there to help, but ultimately, it's their path to create and then follow.

[Canadamom92]

I have to admit that I talk to my kids about careers a lot. I didn't get a lot of that from my parents and when I graduated from highschool I had no clue what I wanted to be.

With my kids, I start the talking early - like around five years old. I get them to consider various points like:

- what they think they would like to do

- how much money they want to make (do you want to live like we live now, or do you want to be in an apartment, or in a big fancy house?) and what type of a wage they can expect from various jobs

- how likely it is to get that type of work

- whether they'd have to move away from our community for that type of work

That being said, my kids want to be:

dd1: a social worker or a carpenter
dd2: a social worker or a fashion designer
dd3: a giraffe or a dinosaur

BTW - I'm a social worker. I have not necessarily encouraged my kids to follow in my footsteps, other than having talked about work in front of them.

[Wisdom]

My dh and I believe it is our role as parents to be so attuned to our child's life that we have our eyes opened to what his strengths are and guide him in that direction. If he's good at writing and likes it, we'll encourage those type activities. (Even if he's not so good at it we should know if he has potential in a certain area and can help him improve.) If he's not so good in math and dislikes it, we'll help him in that area but not encourage him to become anything that requires strong math skills or even push him to get A's in that subject. We're big on focusing on strengths. Most books I've read lately regarding finding your passion or living with purpose suggest looking back into our childhood and discover what you liked to do then and there you will find your passion as an adult. I know for me that is true. As a kid I was good at spelling, reading and writing and I wrote short stories. I've never stopped loving writing and am getting back into it today. Often as people grow up, our true passions are lost as we become adults and we can end up doing something we realize we don't like. I don't want that to happen to our son.

I know for me personally, had my parents taken a role like that in my life my choices relating to education and career would have been much different. But then it can always go the other way too--parents can be too extreme in trying to make their child become something they want him/her to become. Our goal is to be attuned to what he likes, what he's good at and guide him. Ultimately, of course, it's up to our son.

[Linny]

I'd have to say that more often than not, the worst thing I've seen parents do, is plan for their children enough that they're living through their children.

I fully agree that there are SO many changes---good and bad choices any kid can make during their teen years (and even before), that to plan and plot out what anyone thinks they'll do, isn't ....well, IMO, isn't necessarily realistic.

Some of our children are already grown. We'd have never guessed that our grown kids would do what they do, now. They're both successful, both happy...and they chose what they wanted to do----as they wanted to choose. Shoot, I remember changing my mind about what I wanted to be/do, SO Many times. And then, there're the incidentals like 'falling in love with someone when you least expected it'; or, 'realizing your love of a certain field is far different once you're actually in it'.
And then...there's just LIFE. Plans made, can be changed within the blink of an eye.

One of our biggest beliefs, is that success isn't always measured by the $$ you make, but by the way you feel about the job, how happy you are, and what's the main focus of your life anyway. Hopefully, my children don't measure their lives by the jobs they do? I hope not. I hope there's much more to them than where they get their paycheck---and I hope that IS one thing dh and I teach/have taught them about life!
A very unhappy executive isn't nearly as successful as a happy employee at McDonald's, KWIM?

Sincerely,

Linny

[akcskye]

I am extremely sensitive to this topic because I had one of those parents that suffocated me out of doing what I wanted to do...and I was too stupid to realize it until it was too late.

I am extremely intelligent and had everything I needed going for me to get a degree in Meteorology.

But, my parents made too much to let me get financial aid, and not enough to pay for college, and the only Meteorology school was 80 miles away, and they refused to let me move out on my own.

I am serious as a heart attack...anytime I verbalized I wanted to move, I was chewed out and made to feel like a horrible person for even thinking such a thing.

I moved from my childhood home into my marriage home.

Even now, they try to lead me into what they think is best for me...but I think it's what's best for them.

They would love me to become an eBay mogul. Yes, I have successfully sold items on eBay and love to do it and right now, with my back being so bad, it is helping immensely.

However, they want me to sell their stuff for a 10% profit and think I should do that exclusively.

Any job I consider that is out of town, regardless of the fact that it pays double than this town pays, they don't like because I would be very irresponsible as a mom to drive out of town for a job.

You know, I try not to be bitter, because I am a Christian and whether or not you are or not, I believe that our destinies, somehow, are marked in life...so maybe it wasn't my destiny to become anything other than a dang good middle class moma.

But, you can't help but wonder, you know?

I just feel like the jack of all trades, and the master of none, with no chance of a successful future (in terms of money)...so those of you that do what the OP's brother did...take good notice from my words...DON'T do it.

As for my kids...their one thing that they truly have a God given talent for right now is basketball...they are EXTREMELY gifted in it...so I support that heavily because that could be the key to a college scholarship...but you know, if they told me tomorrow they hated it and didn't want to play anymore, even though I would be disappointed, I would completely support it, too.

They're just 11 and 12 right now, while their strengths and weaknesses show right now, it doesn't mean they'll have the same "skill sets" in the future...so the best thing any parent can do is just support them as long as it won't get them hurt, and let them live up the life experiences until it's high school...then help them get serious about their futures.

[Linny]

Kristi,
Thanks for posting that. I can relate in MANY ways....believe me. Many.

Sincerely,

Linny

[mdesi]

Kristi,

It must be an OK parent thing. (We're orginally from OKC.) My parents did the same thing to me. I am in debt now for student loans b/c I decided I would go to college on my own, or die trying. I stopped talking to them over the same things you describe. (They decided that they did not like my DH, and demanded that I leave him. All of that is in the past, but it was a tense 3 years to get there.)

My younger brother is still so connected to them that when they decided to retire to another state, he moved, too. So, I get exactly what you are saying.

[akcskye]

Just 3 years? You were lucky!

Mine constantly rag on my husband, always how lazy, sloppy, boring he is...how he's dang lucky to have me, yada yada.

Well, I've been married to him for 13 years...and it's like HE is the one thing they couldn't control...and honestly, I think they HATE that.

I know they really like him, but to talk about him that badly to me behind his back...I stay a nervous wreck all the time!

I mean, they'll even call my cell phone and if I don't answer the first time (happens a lot cause I'm hearing impaired), they will call 5 or 6 times straight, if I don't answer, they come to my house to check on me.

Okay...I guess that means once they die, I'll be dead in 24 hours the way they think. SHEESH!

Originally Posted by mdesi

They decided that they did not like my DH, and demanded that I leave him. All of that is in the past, but it was a tense 3 years to get there.