[swd]

We are adopting our son from foster care. (We are his "permanent placement" until the adoption is final.) He was originally placed in a temp foster home for the first 5 months of his life, until the system found us.

They are wonderful people and do so much for their foster kids, and really bonded with DS. So much so that they would like to have an "open adoption" of sorts where we will send them pictures and get together on occasion so they can see him. I like them a lot and have no problem at all with continuing the relationship.

The issue comes with money. They are not wealthy by any stretch. Nor are we, but are are well-off and are not struggling financially. I think it's pretty clear to them that we are not needy. However, they would not let me pay for my lunch the last time we went out with them, they brought him not one but TWO toys, and are already planning ways to celebrate his birthday, which is months away. They keep asking what he needs (nothing) and really want to buy him stuff.

I want to let them be involved with him, but I'm just not comfortable letting them spend so much money on him! He already has too many toys, and I really don't want more in the house, plus I feel like they're just throwing their money away on junk for him.

WWYD? Let them enjoy shopping and spoiling him? (Their $$ is none of my business, so maybe I should just butt out...) Or just tell them he likes books or needs clothes so at least they'll spend it on things he'll love and use? I want them to know that they don't have to buy a relationship with him. They will always be a part of his life, and he doesn't need toys to prove it, but they don't listen to me when I say that!

[Stormster]

I wouldn't get involved with another family's financial behavior, it's none of our business. It's such a personal thing how people spend their hard earned money kwim?

Likely I would say something like "I'll take these gifts for him on the condition that when he's done with them they go back to your house for kids you will foster in the future!"

or

Give them to someone who really does need toys. I believe in keeping things in circulation...half our stuff was given to us and EVERYTHING gets recycled back into the community in some way.

Good luck!

[minibus]

It sounds like they are probably sad and are buying him things ... maybe so he'll "remember" them? I would continue to reassure them that they don't _need_ to buy him things, but also show them appreciation for wanting to spend money on him, because it sounds like it's done out of love. When they ask what he needs, I would say something along the lines of "he doesn't need anything right now, but we'd LOVE to be able to visit with you on Saturday, just so he can spend time with you!"

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by swd

We are adopting our son from foster care. (We are his "permanent placement" until the adoption is final.) He was originally placed in a temp foster home for the first 5 months of his life, until the system found us.

They are wonderful people and do so much for their foster kids, and really bonded with DS. So much so that they would like to have an "open adoption" of sorts where we will send them pictures and get together on occasion so they can see him. I like them a lot and have no problem at all with continuing the relationship.

The issue comes with money. They are not wealthy by any stretch. Nor are we, but are are well-off and are not struggling financially. I think it's pretty clear to them that we are not needy. However, they would not let me pay for my lunch the last time we went out with them, they brought him not one but TWO toys, and are already planning ways to celebrate his birthday, which is months away. They keep asking what he needs (nothing) and really want to buy him stuff.

I want to let them be involved with him, but I'm just not comfortable letting them spend so much money on him! He already has too many toys, and I really don't want more in the house, plus I feel like they're just throwing their money away on junk for him.

WWYD? Let them enjoy shopping and spoiling him? (Their $$ is none of my business, so maybe I should just butt out...) Or just tell them he likes books or needs clothes so at least they'll spend it on things he'll love and use? I want them to know that they don't have to buy a relationship with him. They will always be a part of his life, and he doesn't need toys to prove it, but they don't listen to me when I say that!

Ask them to buy him books--they can write inside "Love, from Aunty J and Uncle T". He will have a library ready for him when he learns to read, you will have books to read to him, they will have that "special something" they do for him.

And in the end, you can donate the books somewhere for another little one--he can keep a few as mementos for his kids someday.

Books are forever, much more so than toys.

How wonderful that this child is so loved-I am envious of this lovely friendship you have with the foster parents.

[zxczxcasdasd]

I like all the good ideas, but I wanted to add, all the toys your son has came from someone and somewhere, didn't they? Why would the former foster parents be the only ones prohibited from buying toys when whoever else is supplying all the toys isn't prohibited?

I've seen this same statement come also applying to birth mothers "our kid has everything he/she needs!"

I know we mean well when we say that our kids have "enough" of whatever it is, but I think what comes across is "they don't need it from you" or "I don't it want it coming from you."

A gift is expression of good feeling and love in the form of an item of the giver's choosing. Rather than limit and direct it, I think in general, when people give gifts, unless they are inappropriate or dangerous, we should just accept with a gracious thank you and a big hug.

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by zxczxcasdasd

I like all the good ideas, but I wanted to add, all the toys your son has came from someone and somewhere, didn't they? Why would the former foster parents be the only ones prohibited from buying toys when whoever else is supplying all the toys isn't prohibited?

I've seen this same statement come also applying to birth mothers "our kid has everything he/she needs!"

I know we mean well when we say that our kids have "enough" of whatever it is, but I think what comes across is "they don't need it from you" or "I don't it want it coming from you."

A gift is expression of good feeling and love in the form of an item of the giver's choosing. Rather than limit and direct it, I think in general, when people give gifts, unless they are inappropriate or dangerous, we should just accept with a gracious thank you and a big hug.

For young children I disagree. When they are showered with toys, they do not learn to value or care for their possessions. Additionally, young children can quickly associate a particular person or persons with gifts, and that becomes the sole basis for the relationship. Not wanting a house filled with clutter is also a valid personal choice for parents.

When parents want to redirect the gift giving, these are some of the reasons why, and they are good reasons. Parents also have the right to decide what is appropriate for their child. If they decide too many toys is not good for the child, that is their decision.

I feel the OP is saying the foster parents love and care for the baby. Their gifts show their great affection for him. The parents want this love and caring to continue, but thoughtfully and with meaning. Buying toys may be the only thing the foster parents can think of right now, and the OP was looking for suggestions.

I still think buying books is a meaningful gift, but fun for both foster parents and the child.

[zxczxcasdasd]

I understand your point, I just disagree. I do think books are great gifts, and if people ask for suggestions, it could be suggested. I just think that gifts are the choice of the giver and you can accept them graciously (which is also a great thing to teach kids!) without it automatically meaning you will have a cluttered house and spoiled kids who don't value or care for posessions. Those are organization and character issues that are my responsibilty to enforce daily as a parent in my home that I don't see as directly related to accepting a gift that is generously offered in love. For instance, at our house, when little J gets a new toy, then he chooses another one to donate. And it's my responsibility to enforce how he manages and appreciates what he has.

I think your third sentence hits on a heart of the issue...we as parents worry about (validly so) about the types of relationships our kids have and how they are defined and specifically whether receiving gifts of a certain quantity or quality will affect them negatively. I just happen to see this "we already have too much stuff" logic most often applied to the gifts of former foster parents and birth parents when in reality it's the relationship that's the discomfort. I think limiting or directing the gifts from that person is a way of exercising control over the relationship. If it's an inappropriate relationship or truly inappropriate gift, then I totally support that. If not, I think we should allow people to give from their heart, say thanks and continue to teach our kids character as we would anyway, with or without that one toy, piece of clothes, etc.

Just my opinion.

[swd]

Originally Posted by zxczxcasdasd

I like all the good ideas, but I wanted to add, all the toys your son has came from someone and somewhere, didn't they? Why would the former foster parents be the only ones prohibited from buying toys when whoever else is supplying all the toys isn't prohibited?

I've seen this same statement come also applying to birth mothers "our kid has everything he/she needs!"

I know we mean well when we say that our kids have "enough" of whatever it is, but I think what comes across is "they don't need it from you" or "I don't it want it coming from you."

A gift is expression of good feeling and love in the form of an item of the giver's choosing. Rather than limit and direct it, I think in general, when people give gifts, unless they are inappropriate or dangerous, we should just accept with a gracious thank you and a big hug.

B/c they are dirt poor, that's why! I have never been comfortable taking from others but especially when those others are in need themselves. And I appreciate their generosity, but really, they've given him the best gift anyone could have -- a great start in life. It just feels wrong to me to take anything from them, I guess. But I do get what you mean that it can come across as, "I don't want anything from you" and I don't want that either.

It turns out that the toys they wanted to give him (yes, multiple) were not new, so I didn't feel as bad. They will go to another child who needs them when he's finished with them, and I think for the birthday party I'll tell them he wants a book, in case they were planning to buy new for that. (It was the mention of renting space at a park, and a jumping castle, etc. that got me. They spend oodles on their kids' parties and want to do the same for him, since they consider him family. That's just too much for me.)

[Kirlaskia]

Since you've already received advice on how to "handle" accepting or directing gifts, I'd like to give a bit of a comment on the fact you're a bit preoccupied with how much money they have.

Please keep in mind, I am not trying to be rude here.

First off, its none of your business how they spend their money. (Though i can understand not wanting a cluttered house, or for them to think they have to buy gifts. But in the terms of how they spend their money, none of your business whatsoever.)

Second part is... just because you dont think (or know) someone has as much money as you, does not mean that they dont have the same amount/more to spend on certain items they find valuable.

For example, my husband and I (DH works full time, I work part time, by choice) do not make very much money at all. HOWEVER, we manage our money very very well (if I do say so myself!).

We manage it so well, that even though all of our friends - whom all make twice as much (or more, in several instances) - do not live as "well" as we do. (Many of them have unpaid bills, things get turned off, etc) Why? Because they dont manage their money well.

My point of this is; just because they may not make as much as you and you feel the need to "pity" them (at least that is how it seems) does not mean they are in need of your misdirected (though good intentioned) "pity". It is very possible they manage their money very well and buying these toys is not a pinch in their wallets at all.

I hope I am not coming off as too "bit-chy", but I admit... it is a pet peeve of mine when others who make more assume those who dont cant possibly afford items as easily as they do and therefore try to discourage them from buying certain things. Frankly, unless they are constantly talking about bills going unpaid, and not sure what they are going to do, etc... then dont discourage that.

Now... onto them buying things for your son in general. First question to ask yourself is: Would you mind your child receiving those gifts often if it was from someone you knew had tons of money to spare?

If the answer is yes... leave it alone and mind your own business about money matters of others.

If the answer is no... then yes, i'd say mentioning something subtle would be good. A perfect way to go about it, would be what another post had mentioned.

Sit down with them and let them know you'd prefer they didn't get him gifts everytime, because you do not want him to begin assuming he will always get a gift and that you want him to still know them and value their time, not just what they bring. Mention that you really think its great and how lucky you think your son is for having such a loving extended family. I find it unlikely that they wouldn't understand, they obviously love your son and most likely want the best for him too.

[Fe2002]

SWD, I know exactly what you're talking about... I'm exactly the same way. It literally pains me to accept things from others. I didn't even want a baby shower. People thought I was being coy, but, in fact I was not.

Another issue is that I'm sort of particular about what I like... so when others buy gifts for DD. I truly know what a *waste* it is, because my DD may NEVER wear or use the item they bought.

At this point I've just learned to "grin and bear it". It's horrible though, because I'm constantly having to ensure gift items are at the very least taken out of the bag when people come to visit - weeks/months later.

It was my sister who finally just put it to me plainly one day. She told me that even if people can't afford something it's none of my business and that they've made the choice to buy something and that it can be offensive when I insist on otherwise.

[akcskye]

Yeah, that's a tricky one.

Because you don't know if it's out of love or guilt or both that they are giving the gifts.

Keep in mind, if they're still his foster parents right now, that they do receive a stipend for him, and so with your visits and stuff relieving some of their "every day" spending burden, they can maybe afford to splurge some, because it's money that would have been used to reimburse them for their care for him.

I am a giver, not a receiver...I don't like to get gifts, but I love to give them, so I have to constantly remind myself to generously accept gifts, even ones I feel would be useless, because if you get a gift, it's because the person wants to feel good about giving, just like I do.

If the family was truly "dirt poor" as you put it, then the state would not let them foster the children.

Sorry for the ramble, just my .02

ETA: Also, one person put that too many gifts would make a child not value their possessions...I wholeheartedly agree with that one, my kids were living with a group home that was religiously funded and they always got "donations"...nothing means anything to them unless they pay for it with their allowance money (my boss at a local pizza shop pays my kids $1.00 per bundle of boxes they fold during my work shift so they can make some money and have something to do...which is cool). So, I do agree with that statement.

[GoddessDanu]

You should absolutely allow them to buy your DS whatever they want. If you want to limit the toys (who wouldn't?) then have them buy him books, clothes, CDs, and later down the line, DVDs. They can buy him art supplies when he becomes older and they can get him teething toys when the time is right. There are a lot of gifts they can give that don't cost a lot of money. I think something you might want to consider is allowing them to babysit for you. Have a monthly "date night" with your DH and let your DS's former foster parents watch him for the night. That way they feel like they're involved and it won't cost them a lot of money.

[finallyamom0310]

You have recieved a lot of similar advice here and I agree that you can't ask them to not spend the money they want to spend on your child. That is their choice, but you can direct the money to something that might be more useful. The book idea is great for a physical gift when necessary (special occassion or bday) but maybe you can ask them to spend the money on either a savings bond or add to a college fund for your son. In most states the college funds can be set up by anyone and the one managing it can usually get a tax deduction for the money put in. Just my $.02 worth.

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by finallyamom0310

You have recieved a lot of similar advice here and I agree that you can't ask them to not spend the money they want to spend on your child. That is their choice, but you can direct the money to something that might be more useful. The book idea is great for a physical gift when necessary (special occassion or bday) but maybe you can ask them to spend the money on either a savings bond or add to a college fund for your son. In most states the college funds can be set up by anyone and the one managing it can usually get a tax deduction for the money put in. Just my $.02 worth.

Be careful about the college fund. If it is in the child's name, it will come up if the child ever tries to get loans or grants--that amount will be "deducted" or must be spent before a loan or grant will be given to the child.

I do not have specifics on that, but I do remember from our own college fund planning not to make the account in the child's name.

JMO--It would make me uncomfortable to be asked for the money instead of the gift if I want to buy something for a child, no matter what the parent plans to do with it. And I do still say the parents have the right and responsibility to say no to too many toys, too much "junk" stuff given to their child/children.

[Kat-L]

Originally Posted by swd

B/c they are dirt poor, that's why! I have never been comfortable taking from others but especially when those others are in need themselves.

They may be very well off. Some people with a lot of money don't show off with fancy cars or fancy clothes. They aren't trying to impress anyone. My mother's aunt worked for millionaires when my mom was little. My mother was amazed that, despite the millions of dollars during the 1940's, the family drove an old station wagon and the kids were never dressed up. For all the money they had, they still had a very ordinary life.

And then my sister went to work as a nanny for the family who were multi-millionares and, again, lived very ordinary lives. You would never, ever, ever guess that they had that much money.

Unless you had a peek at the bank statement, never assume that someone is poor. Looks are deceiving.