[buttascotchbaby]

OK: a vent, a question and a warning

Yikes, just discovered my 12 year old (!) was on some porn sites online. I REALLY had hoped I had another year or two before I had to start dealing with sex "stuff" (I know, fantasy land!). Sooo, we had a little chat about the fact that I did not think, and do not want him to think that sex is bad, dirty, nasty, etc., but that I feel that I want to be a little more in control of their exposure to it and an internet site was not where I wanted them to learn it from and that it is completely inappropriate for a 12 y.o.!

Then I immediately went and activated the Windows Parental Controls on the boys' computer. It seems like it works pretty well. I am wondering if anyone has any feedback about any other parental control software?

I am posting this to maybe help someone else. If anyone else was lax like me I kept thinking: "Yeah, I need to get around to putting parental controls/blocking on the boys computer..." and never did. And their computer is in their room (I know, I know), so my advice is: DO IT NOW! My boys are both 12 and essentially good kids and we have good communication, but I wish I could have prevented this from happening One part was that we have a 15 y.o. boy who lives in our house who was/is pretty into internet porn, who exposed my sons to it several months ago. We had several discussions about it then and I thought that was the end of it... apparently not!

Anyway, I am open to hearing what others think...

[paigeturner]

Your ISP should have additional parental control options. My advice: use them all and still check your son's computer history.

[mommieof2cuties]

Well, the problem is many children can get around what you set up. I would take the computers out of the room if it is a huge issue for you. Children have gotten smarter and while you sleep at night can figure out how to get around what you set up to protect them. We all have lap tops and my children are way younger so we don't have this issue yet, but my children won't have computers in the bedroom. Too much can happen not just sex related. We have people through IM that will be able to send your son sex pictures etc. It is very scary. Again, my advice is take computers out and make yourself known when the kids are using the computers!

Summer

[Stormster]

Please take the computers out of their rooms! DS will maybe have when 15 or 16 but not before and maybe not ever.

Dont' beat yourself up over it. In the old days kids were stealing their Dad's playboy magazines and hiding them under their beds! It's not the end of the world but it is sad that everything seems to start so early these days

Oh and some of these sites I realize aren't quite as "wholesome" as Playboy unfortunately!

[millie58]

Absolutely, what the previous post said. and my 14 yo was sexually abused and ordered porn while we lived at mom's. Now, she has a control on her TV and he's not by himself at home. While I'm there I monitor what he watches on TV. And no TV or computer in bedrooms. My 4 boys only go on computer while I'm there and I watch what they're doing.

[buttascotchbaby]

Thanks so much for the feedback and input. I am not going to take their computer out of their room right now, for many reasons it is not an option. As soon as it is possible I will be moving it, but right now we just cannot. Their room is right next to mine and we always have our doors open. I check their history and also one of my boys is waaay more innocent and likes to tattle But mostly I feel that the parental controls (which are password protected) should really stop things. I will also be checking daily and as of right now they are only allowed (by the parental controls) to visit sites that I have approved, everything else is blocked. We are on a network and so they think that I can check at any time what they are/have been doing on their computer.

I feel like I am more in control now. I allowed myself to be lulled into a false sense of security, thinking I had a little bit more time before I had to start dealing with these issues So this has been a wakeup call and now I realize I was living in la la land and so I am on it!

[Stormster]

Butta I think the open door thing might be the most effective aspect to your 3 point plan (controls, open doors and "the tattler")

I love it!

The only problem with History is it means they've already seen it

[akcskye]

If you cannot take the computer out of the room, do this.

When I network my computers, I am going to set up a wireless router, with the computer in the family area set up with a wireless receiver that hooks in through USB.

Internet hours will be from 5 p.m. to 7 p.m. for homework, webkinz, etc.

After that, the usb receiver is removed and hidden.

The computer can still be used to play computer games or do word processor work, but internet is unavailable until the next day.

As for the porn...I may be old fashioned, but I think porn is disgusting and distasteful.

I am sorry, but porn, especially for a younger viewer, gives them the WRONG ideas about sex and their own self image (ie: you're not a man if your penis isn't that big).

I find it totally disgraceful that anyone would look at that garbage if they are married and have a more than willing partner to have sex with, you know?

Sorry for the rambling, but I hope any of this helps.

[inhiswill]

Just some info about parental controls and filters: Kids can go to host sites and through that site can access any site they would like. I know several parents of teenagers who have had and are having this problem (and they have a top of the line filter). The history and parental controls only show what is on the dummy site, which always looks innocent. Then that site blocks whatever they might be looking at through the dummy site. KWIM?

I am in no way implying that anyones kids are doing this, but it is out there and most kids know about it.

[o2b30again]

You could try K9 protection. Free through a download on the internet. K9 Web Protection - Free Internet Filtering and Parental Controls Software

[chrisandaaron]

Please don't let down your guard. It is pretty easy for kids to circumvent the controls. My DH is a police officer that has dealt with some very scary situations involving kids and the internet. Some of their parents were checking the history, using parental controls, and thought they were doing everything right...then BAM they find out a lot more was going on. He constantly tells parents to only keep computers in main living areas where they can be monitored.

If you feel you must keep the computer in their room, can you monitor it from another computer live? I'm not a computer whiz, but I know you can get programs that allow you to see all that is going with one computer from another.

Good luck!

[BrandyHagz]

If you've got a router, you can set the router to not allow access to the internet during certain hours - while still allowing access to your network for things like printing and P2P activities (if they play games together or whatever).

Porn is hard...we just try to educate Jerrett and encourage him to talk to us about sex rather than look at the nasty stuff on line.

My husband took a different route when talking about it with him...I won't share here - it's kind of offensive and while I love and know my husband well enough to know what he meant by it...you guys might get a little ticked.

(For the record...his talk seemed to do the trick...)

[buttascotchbaby]

Thanks again all! Whilst I can be a bit of a Pollyanna I really believe that I have a pretty honest, open relationship with my kids -especially my sons. I want to do everything I can to perpetuate that. I want them to feel that they can come to me and discuss anything with me. I know that at 12 that may be hard, but my father also lives with us and is very involved with the kids, so they also have a man they can speak more comfortably with if need be. My dad is NOT the stuffy grandpa type I am trying to use this incident not only as a warning for me to be more involved, aware and on my toes, but also as a springboard to talk about this with my kids. I DO not want them looking at porn -especially what is available on the internet *shudder* I want to raise them to h ave a healthy, respectful view of sex, not something that is degrading and artificial.

I like the idea of controlling the hours they have internet access by turning it off at the router, I will be looking into that. We have a wireless system so I am not sure if I will have to just remove their card or if I can control it through the router. I have told them that since we are on a network I CAN see everything they do and everywhere they go online.

Again, I may be being naive, but I DO know my kids pretty well and I truly don't think, at this point (and at 12), that they are going to make a huge effort to circumvent the parental controls. I am well aware that it is very possible, but as I think I said earlier, right now they can only access specific sites that I have OK'd. The son who went to the sites is a more mature 12, but he has also been in weekly therapy since the day he came to us (almost 3 yrs) and there has never been ANY evidence of any kind of sexual acting out, etc. I think at this time it is more just normal curiosity. Unfortunately "normal curiosity" in this day and age led him to something (way too eaasily! ) that I am not comfortable with him seeing. I would have much preferred it to be Playboy he was looking at! LOL J/K!

Thanks again for all the input. I think it is a great topic to think and talk about.

[Tazer]

Another FYI Guys...Would you believe that I wanted to know if / when Kim Kardashian would be on "Dancing With The Stars" so I google-searched her name, ONLY HER NAME and a slew of pornographic pictures popped up. The girl in the photo probably wasn't even her and the guy certainly wasn't Ray-J since his only visible part wasn't black but it was shocking. I was amazed at the simplicity of it all; I did nothing but hit one of the titles after my initial search. It was gross.

I just wanted to put this out there in case there are others as naive as I am and thought you'd at least be asked certain info or have to click on an agreement or something. Be vigilant and thanks for sharing the information. Tracy

[oceanica]

It's soo scary nowadays, not just the porn but with all those Chris Wallace episodes on dateline and little kids running away to meet wierdos from online!! I would like to keep Athena away from it all but I know that when she gets older there will be even more access to things and even more difficulty trying to control what she can get ahold of. They can get online at the library and who knows what they can find, and even on the cell phone they can get things. For somebody from the stone age like me it's pretty difficult to stay on top of it. I have to ask my 19 year old employee for help with my cell phone!
Fortunately my Athena is only 8 weeks so she can't read yet!!