[OakShannon]

Since I'm not teaching, I've been working with a homeschooled 11-year-old who has some disabilities. Yesterday we did a cooking project at his request and it involved meat. Which brought up that fact that I'm a vegetarian. His mom asked me if I planned to raise my son as a vegetarian. When I said yes, she made it sound like this was not only nutritionally unwise but practically a violation of his civil rights.

You know, it really bugged me. It STILL bugs me. I felt totally defensive and argued with her in my head all the way home. Which is crazy!! I like her - but I definitely don't agree with her food choices for her kids (they eat a lot of junk), so why would I get upset that she disagrees with me?

Normally, I don't let things bug me too much. Life goes down easier with a grain of salt and a sense of humor, you know? But when people openly disagree with my parenting choices, I get all defensive and upset. Like when my family and friends insisted that I needed to sleep train Daniel right away or I would spoil him. I tried explaining about attachment, but finally blew up at everyone and told them they could think whatever they wanted, but they were not allowed to use the word, "spoiled" again in my presence. This is NOT the way I usually talk to my family. I think they're still a little surprised.

Is it just me? Does anyone else overreact like this? What unwanted parenting advice have you been given? And what do you do about it?

[rtsmom]

In my personal experience, I find that if someone's lack of support for my choices bugs me, it's usually because I'm not completely comfortable and at peace with that choice. If I know in my heart of hearts that I'm doing the right thing for me/my kids/my family, then no one's criticism can touch me.

Not sure if it works that way for others, but I've learned that about myself.

Janet

[minibus]

My in-laws don't necessarily give unwanted "advice", but they have their comments which irritate the bejeebers out of me. For example: We are teaching K not to throw things in the house. J is only 5 months old and can't defend himself when something she throws comes winging at his head! MIL and SIL respond with "All kids throw things." Ummmm....not if you teach them not to! Or when we were feeding K instead of letting her feed herself in the first month after she was placed with us ... boy, did they give me disapproving looks when I said "We don't let her feed herself". I don't even bother trying to explain attachment to them or talk about establishing boundaries and structure anymore. They also don't understand MY child ... if I let her get away with something just because "company" is over ... man, I will pay for it 1000x later!

It ticks me off, but I always knew that my parenting style would be tons different from theirs. I vent to my DH and I vent to those I know will be sympathetic, but I just stick to my guns and do what I know is right for me and my family.

[jalapeno]

I really really really get sick of stuff like this too. Most people are great of course. It's just those few who feel the need to stick their noses in that can ruin it.

I suppose it might be a little bit of being defensive. Why wouldn't it be. That person doesn't know everything about the situation and they somehow feel they can judge or try to place their values on me and my kids? So irritating.

I'm not sure I'm ever completely comfortable and at peace with my parenting choices. I'm not sure I would want to be. I do the best I can with the information I have at the time. But I also like to think that I remain open to new information and am willing to admit mistakes and adapt. I think I'm outwardly very consistent. But inside I'm constantly re-evaluating and questioning what I'm doing to be sure I'm still on the right track. I really don't need another person questioning what I'm doing.

[KarynB]

I also have a hard time with this one - especially since some of our choices tend to be out of the mainstream and so we have to explain and face a lot of criticism. What has worked really well for me is to make sure I also surround myself with like-minded people, or even continue to read magazines etc that support our lifestyle. For example - you mentioned attachment parenting (co-sleeping etc). We've also faced a lot of criticism on this one ( he needs to learn to sleep alone, etc), along with my choice to breastfeed, etc. Reading Mothering magaizine (which supports these choices) helps me reinforce how I feel about them, and also gives me great stats etc to quote when others get too critical!!!!

[Fran27]

I see both sides of the story. Some people do make horrible decisions for their kids (just IMO, of course, not saying yours is), and at the same time I find it irritating when I've really researched something and do what I think is best, and I get people who don't approve. Truth is, for 5 people who don't approve of something, you'll find 5 more who do.

Sometimes the people who give you advice have some experience in the matter and really believe what they are saying too. So it's not always a bad idea to listen to what they are saying, even if you're unlikely to change their mind.

Attachment parenting is one of those things some people swear by, and others think is unnecessary, and might just open up more troubles down the road. I'm sure you could find as many articles for it as against it. Not really surprising that lots of people don't like it.

[crick]

I tend to answer these things with a "Thanks for your input just as I'm sure you'd thank me for my input on your parenting choices as well." or something like that. I try anyway, not to get into a debate with someone over my parenting decisions because that would require restraint on my part.

[Fran27]

I think there's nothing wrong with explaining briefly why you're doing what you're doing... it shows you know what you're doing and might get them off your case in the future. As I said, sometimes some choices seem weird, but make sense once they are explained to you.

[Shadowfaerie]

One of my SIL's would give me tons of "advice" when my son was under a year old. Most of it was obvious or I didn't agree with. I bit my tongue rather than say something nasty to her, which I really wanted to do. I think the problem was hers more than mine, I would never think to tell someone how to raise his/her child so why would someone else need to control that situation? KWIM? Maybe your friend has a similar control issue?

[RobinKay]

As I've gotten older, I have found a favorite phrase I deliver with a big, smarmy smile

"Thanks for sharing"

And then I change the subject--heehee

[KarynB]

Originally Posted by Fran27

Attachment parenting is one of those things some people swear by, and others think is unnecessary, and might just open up more troubles down the road. I'm sure you could find as many articles for it as against it. Not really surprising that lots of people don't like it.

I think the problem I have with this thinking is that if you've never parented a kid with an attachment disorder, how can you even begin to tell me that attachment parenting is not a good choice, you know? I would never think of telling someone with kid with chronic diabetes how to handle that - so why do people feel like its ok to question me on attachment parenting?

[SupaModel]

Originally Posted by OakShannon

Since I'm not teaching, I've been working with a homeschooled 11-year-old who has some disabilities. Yesterday we did a cooking project at his request and it involved meat. Which brought up that fact that I'm a vegetarian. His mom asked me if I planned to raise my son as a vegetarian. When I said yes, she made it sound like this was not only nutritionally unwise but practically a violation of his civil rights.

You know, it really bugged me. It STILL bugs me. I felt totally defensive and argued with her in my head all the way home. Which is crazy!! I like her - but I definitely don't agree with her food choices for her kids (they eat a lot of junk), so why would I get upset that she disagrees with me?

Normally, I don't let things bug me too much. Life goes down easier with a grain of salt and a sense of humor, you know? But when people openly disagree with my parenting choices, I get all defensive and upset. Like when my family and friends insisted that I needed to sleep train Daniel right away or I would spoil him. I tried explaining about attachment, but finally blew up at everyone and told them they could think whatever they wanted, but they were not allowed to use the word, "spoiled" again in my presence. This is NOT the way I usually talk to my family. I think they're still a little surprised.

Is it just me? Does anyone else overreact like this? What unwanted parenting advice have you been given? And what do you do about it?

You mean to tell me you don't sleep train????? .......... JK!!!

Seriously who cares what people think. I just do me. Honestly as long as DH and I agree no on else matter.

I will say I have friend(s) with "spoiled" children and I HATE that because it just goes against everything I believe in. I don't try and give advice but I don't want them to complain to me either. If it's too much I just try and stay away.

[sbaglio]

Originally Posted by RobinKay

As I've gotten older, I have found a favorite phrase I deliver with a big, smarmy smile

"Thanks for sharing"

And then I change the subject--heehee

LOL, I'm nicking this one!

[jules17]

I have said, "Thanks, but parenting Sam and Luke is not a group project."

Yeah, it's sarcastic and a bit snotty, but when said with a smile, it gets the point across in a nice, yet firm, way.

[paigeturner]

Several years ago I was having dinner with an old, dear friend from high school. My kids were teenagers at the time and she was wrestling with a child under one and a four year old. She was driving me crazy with the four year old; nagging at him constantly, “chew your food Daniel, chew, chew, chew!” “Daniel, don’t tap your feet like that you’re bothering people!” “Daniel, sit up straight!” “Daniel, CHEW!” “Daniel, don’t tap your glass!” ETC, ETC, ETC! I was exhausted and frustrated, because we couldn’t get a sentence out without her interrupting and nagging at the poor kid. Before I said anything, I thought back to how I was always so concerned when my kids were little that perhaps they were bothering other people.

I gently said, “You know, he’s not bothering anybody.” Holy crap! She jumped all over me. “Don’t tell me how to raise my kids! I don’t need a “gosh darn” VILLAGE to raise my kids!”

Needless to say, I quickly finished my dinner, asked for the check and headed home. Boy did I learn my lesson about making unwanted suggestions. Over the ensuing years, we still occasionally meet for dinner and now that her kids are tweens and mine are grown she will sometimes ask how I did this or that…I have nothing to offer.

My point is that I wasn’t criticizing her I was trying to put her at ease because she was obviously having a rough evening. But, that’s not how she saw it. Now when faced with a situation like this, I shut my mouth and order another margarita.