[smash_effect]

My husband and I decided our blog needs to be private now that Declan is here. The jury is still out on whether we'll post pics on facebook or myspace. I feel comfortable doing it because I have chosen the highest security features on those sites so the only people that an view them are my "friends" that I've approved. So, anywho, we haven't decided (any thoughts on that??!?).

My second question is this- birth mom is really wanting to post pics on her facebook page. She ask my permission and I told her the caseworker encouraged us not to so we're still deciding if we will or not. She said just to let her know.

Ug. I'm not sure what to say here. We have a handful of mutual friends and the way that facebook works will make it easy for them to see her pics. I've worked hard to protect her privacy in our area (though she's open about it to those mutual contacts of ours that she does see). Any thoughts on this? I don't know why it hit me weird when she asked yesterday. I should just chill b/c she is his bmom and should be able to post pics right? Thanks for any advice.

[finallyamom0310]

Sorry I am not in the same situation but DD's BBmom didn't tell anyone when she was PG. I can tell you though that we decided to create a blog and password protect the pics and info that we don't want the world knowing yet. I have told DD''s Bmom to share when she wants.

[SupaModel]

Originally Posted by smash_effect

My husband and I decided our blog needs to be private now that Declan is here. The jury is still out on whether we'll post pics on facebook or myspace. I feel comfortable doing it because I have chosen the highest security features on those sites so the only people that an view them are my "friends" that I've approved. So, anywho, we haven't decided (any thoughts on that??!?).

My second question is this- birth mom is really wanting to post pics on her facebook page. She ask my permission and I told her the caseworker encouraged us not to so we're still deciding if we will or not. She said just to let her know.

Ug. I'm not sure what to say here. We have a handful of mutual friends and the way that facebook works will make it easy for them to see her pics. I've worked hard to protect her privacy in our area (though she's open about it to those mutual contacts of ours that she does see). Any thoughts on this? I don't know why it hit me weird when she asked yesterday. I should just chill b/c she is his bmom and should be able to post pics right? Thanks for any advice.

I dunno. I am very guarded about having certain info on internet. I have posted pic's of DS on facebook BUT only people can is my friends KWIM? I would be a little wierded out is his bmom had pic of him on facebook or myspace. Good luck with what u decide

[Stormster]

We had to kind of amp up the myspace security when every single pic was just MOVED over to her page. It included family pics and even other children's pics so we were really upset. I asked her to take down everything but pics of him alone. She did but she did leave some pics of us and that's ok.

Now she can't do that. I email her some pics and those are digital and I know they will probably endup on myspace. And I will be better about sending prints.

It's not about not wanting her to share him because he's an enormous source of pride for her and that makes us very happy as that is the spirit of our OA. But she knows some pretty "rough" people who are friends of hers on myspace ...I'm talking PRISON shots as their profile pictures.

Facebook does have similar privacy settings.

[lovemy2boys]

We've had to set rules...We give our boys firstmom's cd's with all the pics we've taken of the kids during the year...and for some reason, AJ's firstmom decided to load all 1000 pics on her myspace from birth til now (who would want to wade through 1000 pics of our family? to each his own, I guess). This included members of my family as well as the boys' friends.

I simply told both firstmoms that if they wanted pics on the myspace/facebook, then they had to be set to private, with access only for their friends. And I told them that if I find that the pics are being copied by friends onto their pages then they have to be removed all together and the cd thing will stop (of course I was nicer than that).

I've actually been pretty against myspace/facebook in the past. But AJ's mom is moving overseas in a few months and this seems like the best way to share photos between us.

[mommieof2cuties]

Facebook, to be honest is pretty safe when it comes to pictures, you can set it to just have freinds view it or you can even have have photo's viewed by only one person and others viewed by all friends. I have felt very safe with facebook. However I never felt safe with the other site mentioned myspace. Facebook I love because you have to say yes to people you allow on and can block them if you don't want them. But I love the privacy settings a ton!

[thanksgivingmom]

Mommieof2 - you can do a similar thing with privacy setting on myspace photos. I only have my friends allowed to view my page at all - or my photos. You can also set the photos so that only YOU can see them. I know some people who do this and then tell a couple people, "hey, I'm going to open up the pics of my kid for two days and then private them again" - even then, the only people that can see the pics are "friends" that you approve.

Cupcake's Mom told me I could do what I wanted with Cupcake's pictures since she trusts me with them. She wants me to be able to show Cupcake off and brag about her to my friends. In today's world, on the internet is one of the easiest/best ways to do that.

I have taken every privacy precaution and I gaurantee you no one can crack into my myspace without my say so. My Myspace is so hard to find that I've told people on here to find me there to be "friends" and they can't even find me when I tell them too!

If you want to be able to share the pics with your childs firstmom, and want her to be able to share them with people in her life, I would talk to her about your concerns re: privacy and lay what you think are appropriate boundaries.

[lahdh4]

Originally Posted by thanksgivingmom

Mommieof2 - you can do a similar thing with privacy setting on myspace photos. I only have my friends allowed to view my page at all - or my photos. You can also set the photos so that only YOU can see them. I know some people who do this and then tell a couple people, "hey, I'm going to open up the pics of my kid for two days and then private them again" - even then, the only people that can see the pics are "friends" that you approve.

I do this. I open it for 24 hours just for my friends since my page is private. Only certain of these friends will be told that her folder is open. This way I don't have everyone checking them out.

[thanksgivingmom]

haha, yeah, that was you I was talking about mostly Leigh

[lahdh4]

Girl then just say my name!! LOL

[portlowski]

A year and a half ago I wrestled with this exact same issue. My son's bmom posted his pictures on her facebook page along with comments that implied to those who don't know her well that she was parenting our son. Like in interests she wrote "hanging out with my son." Despite my discomfort, I didn't say anything. I realized that as long as she didn't post his name (she didn't) or personal information there was no way anyone would be able to track him down. It was probably "safer" for her to post the pictures than for me to do so since he doesn't live with her.

The real issue for me was I was having my role as "mom" tested. That is why I was truly uncomfortable. I didn't want to share him. but in time, as I bonded with my son and became confident that I am indeed his mom, all of my discomfort went away. In a few months time she cleared all the references that implied she was parenting him. She did this on her own as part of her own process. I am glad now that I didn't interfere.

I e-mail her pictures weekly but she hasn't updated her page with his pictures since June. I feel a little sad about that! I want her to proud and to show him off! But she is now dealing with the adoption in her own way.

This is how it worked for me, and I understand that your situation and relationship with your child's birthmom may be different. But I have found that my son's birthmom had to go through a lot of steps before the adoption was really real to her, and posting pictures and celebrating her son's arrival was very important to her grieving process.

Good luck and congrats on your new baby!

[elledarcy]

My DD's birthmom posted tons of pics on her MySpace without asking me at all (so it's nice that your child's bmom asked you!). They were all pictures she had taken and all of the first few days in the hospital. She even posted a picture of me and DD. I am a little uncomfortable with it, but her page is private and only friends can access it (and I'm sure they'd all see pictures at her house and such), so we didn't say anything.

I don't know... part of me thinks it's weird and part of me thinks, what's the big deal.

[thanksgivingmom]

Originally Posted by portlowski

A year and a half ago I wrestled with this exact same issue. My son's bmom posted his pictures on her facebook page along with comments that implied to those who don't know her well that she was parenting our son. Like in interests she wrote "hanging out with my son." Despite my discomfort, I didn't say anything. I realized that as long as she didn't post his name (she didn't) or personal information there was no way anyone would be able to track him down. It was probably "safer" for her to post the pictures than for me to do so since he doesn't live with her.

This is always a weird thing for me....now I don't post anywhere where people might not know about the adoption (only on my all adoption Myspace that has like 12 friends all from here!) BUT were I to do so, I wouldn't write, "hanging out with my placed daughter Cupcake." Outing yourself as a firstmom is a HUGE deal. You never know what reaction you're going to get and it's one of the scariest things I've ever done.

SO, say most of my friends know about the adoption and a few here and there don't, but I don't ever see them in person and we aren't really FRIEND friends, I wouldn't clarify my firstmom status in a picture caption for example. That would just seem weird to me. It really takes your control away too. Telling people is so super personal....

So I totally hear where you're coming from, but I have never met a firstmom that refers to their child as "my son" or "my daughter" in order to pretend that they're parenting or to create the illusion to others that that's the case.

Just wanted to give you a view of what *might* be going on on her side

[portlowski]

Hi TGmom,

I absolutely agree with you...now! It was just that right after the adoption I was feeling very afraid...afraid I wouldn't be a good mom, afraid I might not bond with my son, guilty for taking him away from his "real" mom, worried for his first mom etc.

Also, there were a couple of other things on the page that kind of made the situation look different... for instance she put "married" for her realtionship with her boyfriend (first dad) even though they were not married and in high school. Friends wrote on her wall "you're married? And you have a baby! Congrats!" and "is the baby going to live in the dorm with you?" Stuff like that. But I relaized it was NONE of my business how she chose to deal with placing her son. She was grieving and my bad pop pyschologist part of me thinks it was all part of her process...trying on the role of a parenting mom for some acquaintances (like many teenager she has, like, 500 facebook friends!).

I am so glad I kept out of it and despite the slightly freaked out feeling I had reading all of this, she is completely entitled to tell people what she wants as long as it does not negatively impact Little Guy.

By the way, we talked on the phone for 2 hours the other night and are really looking forward to our next visit. I now feel kind of like an aunt or big sister to my son's other mom and Little Guy and I are so lucky to have her in our lives. Sadly, firstdad has dropped out of the picture...for all of us.

Hope I didn't take this post too far off topic!!

[thanksgivingmom]

Even if you did take it off topic I'm glad to read it all

And it's funny you mention the "married" thing - that's actually kind of common right now with kids, and I don't get it at all!!! They put "married" as their status for some reason....

I know of a girl that had a bad breakup and put her status as "divorced" - I was like, why would you do that??? You weren't married, you haven't been through a divorce, you don't get to say that!

I think it's just a bit of an immaturity thing....likely one that people look back at and say, "what was I thinking???"

(Who's taking it off topic NOW?? haha)

SUPER glad to hear about your upcoming visit and how excited you are about it!!! Let us know how it goes!