[mondk]

I don't know who else to turn to; my family is very unsupportive where our bmom is concerned. They say she is taking advantage of us and sadly now, I feel they were right.

The full story about the relationship between bmom and us is in "Birthparent Support" here in the thread "Need advice from other birthparents" so you need to read my initial post there.

Now I want the adoptive parents' take on this. Bmom and her boyfriend belong to Job Corps and are 70 miles away from us. I made the mistake of taking financial responsibility of our bmom. In the process, she has weasled about $5k out of us total so far. I cannot afford any more and I tried to tell her this yesterday. Her response was well if you don't have money then how can you raise my son? MY son, not OUR son etc. I said because of you constantly needing stuff and borrowing from us (which is a lie because she will never be able to pay us back) and she got all huffy and didn't talk to me for the next few hours which was fine with me because I came very close to blowing my top anyway.

Do all bmoms think aparents are rich or something? We are middle class working folk with very little savings, have even filed a chapter 13 in the past and we don't believe in credit cards. Our bmom is like, just get a credit card....and we are like, no, that is why we had to file our bankruptcy. We adopted through a private adoption atty but on the homestudy we disclosed everything financial. I don't think bmoms see homestudies though; I don't know. But she is slowly draining us dry and I think she knows what she is doing.

She is staying at our house with her boyfriend now, for Labor Day weekend. She begged to come here and I told her as long as she paid for the food, with her food stamps card, they could stay. So far I've had nothing but grief. Her boyfriend offered to help my dh mow the lawn, she wouldn't let him. She supposedly was supposed to be watching a movie with him then came in here and got on this computer. When I asked during Joshie's naptime if I could please check my email, she threw a fit like a kid and made a big deal about it. I can't take it anymore! I know I got myself into this mess and dh has been against everything from the get-go, but I felt obligated I guess since she placed Joshie with us and all.

I'm sorry I just needed to vent to someone I guess. I'm sick of being Ms. Nice Person but I don't know what else to do?

Thanks for listening...

Blessings, Michelle

[cstewme]

Sounds like she is taking advantage of you and taking your kindness for weakness.

Your gift to her is taking care of Joshie and making sure the child is cared for, her asking for money is only taking away from that. Until you put a stop to this she is gone to continue her behavior.

[lahdh4]

Michelle, I am so sorry to hear this!! After all that you have done to help her this is how she treats you! That is not right at all.

[Gwen72]

My advice would be to tell her you can't give her any more money because you need to save for your children's college education. If I understand your timeline correctly, J's adoption was finalized about a year ago. You don't owe his birthmom anything financially. Her and her boyfriend need to start acting like adults and taking care of themselves. She is staying in Your house and you need to demand some respect and decorum in Your house. There would be no hissy fits if I wanted to use MY computer in MY house. I wish you luck with whatever you do though.

[KatiesEd-dad]

You need to stop the gravy train right now. I've followed your story and you have gone above and beyond for this girl and this is how you get treated in return. As for asking for money, tell her no, you are not an ATM machine for her, she is living up to every Lifetime Network stereotype of a birthmother. As far as being rude to you in your own house, I'm sorry, they are guests in your house and they need to remember that. If they can't show you respect, then I suggest they find the door and as I'm fond of saying..."Don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya!" So much for being PC.

[MamaS]

You and your husband adopted Josh. You are Josh's parents. You are responsible only for doing what is best for Josh.
You did not adopt Birthmother. You only "owe" her the assurance that Josh is being raised well, in emotional and financial security. B-mom's behavior is threatening Josh's security and JOSH COMES FIRST.
At the end of the weekend, when b-mom and boyfriend are leaving, tell her (with your husband by your side) that the "free ride" is over. You will continue to provide her with updates on Josh, but you are no longer her loan officer, transport coordinator, or source of freebies. As for the "open door policy" at your house -- it is closed, unless by invitation...possibly at Christmas. Be prepared for an ugly scene, but you and DH stand together. This will benefit your family and it will benefit her -- she can't grow up as long as she is allowed to behave like a child.

[ProspectiveSingleMom]

Since she has gotten used to getting what she wants with regard to you loaning her money, it will be hard at first to convince her that you won't do it anymore. Therefore, it is important that you stick to it, no matter how much begging, guilt-tripping, etc. she does. Just keep in mind that the longer you let her take advantage of you, the worse your relationship with her will be, and your DS will pick up on the resentment (if he hasn't already).

I have a rule when I loan money to someone (which isn't often) that I do it with the expectation that they won't pay it back. That doesn't mean I don't WANT them to pay it back, but using that perspective helps me to not loan out money that I can't afford to lose.

[Linny]

IMO, you owe her nothing but doing your best to raise your son, and giving him support to have some respect for her as he grows. There is nothing more.
While this might really sound horrid, my feeling is that she asked you to adopt her son. You agreed to do so. He is now your child and your responsibility.
You did not, however, adopt---her. She is an adult and able to take full responsibility of herself and her actions. It's time for her to do so. However, she can only do so, if you'll not enable her.
It's time for you to stop enabling her; and I'm understanding this is what you're about to do.
Good luck.

Sincerely,

Linny

[SupaModel]

I'm sorry that your going through this. I think people will push as far as you let them. Cut her off NOW!

[Tigger2]

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I agree with the others. You can not allow her to take advantage of your kindness and generosity any longer. You must set boundaries and stand firm. I know this will be easier said than done.

You are in my thoughts!

[mommy3]

Every "tough love" experience I've gone through first hurts me more and then the other person thinks they are being hurt more. As everyone has shared, draw the line now. Then, expect that it will hurt you to do this. Be firm and clear in your statements, even if you have to write down what you are going to say and practice. It won't be easy. Then, expect that Joshua's birthmom will lash out, get angry, be difficult and cause a scene, perhaps more than once. Keep your line in the sand very strong. This is why it's called "tough love". Things may not be great for a while, but they will be better for your immediate family. Sadly, you are not helping your family or your son's birthmom as it is. It's been more than a year since your son's birth and it's time. Hang in there -- you do need to do this. Hugs, susan

[mg1970]

Michelle,

To be honest the relationship you have with Joshie's bmom has always made me uncomfortable.

I know you feel very grateful that she chose you as parents for her child, but do not foget that you are also doing her a huge favor. This child was her responsibility and she did not feel like she could do the job -- so you have helped her tremendously already by parenting her child.

You must set boundries right now. You do not need to explain your decisions. You do not need to give excuses about why you can't afford to help her. It is not your responsibility clear and simple. Explain the new rules and do not get into a debate.

This is going to be tough, but it really is the best thing for everyone.

M

[RavenSong]

Michelle, I did receive your PM, and I'm sorry I haven't responded to it yet. I'll reply to it in a couple minutes with one of my usual "long-winded" replies, LOL.

You need to cut Claire off now. She's using you, plain and simple. I am so angry that she's being rude to you in your own home, your own refuge. She's acting like an entitled, spoiled brat. It's time for you to use "tough love". AND DO NOT FEEL GUILTY!

You have gone beyond the call of duty here with Claire, and it has to stop. Joshie comes first. I think that Claire is using Joshie at this point to get money out of you. It has to stop right now. You've given it your all, and Joshie will respect you for this one day. But you have to stop the free gravy train because this isn't a case any longer of helping Claire to help herself. It has now become a scenario where Claire is helping herself to your money and resources.

She's going to throw a fit most likely, and she will punish you with her silence (just like a teenager would). Stand strong, and know that we all support you here on the forums.

[paigeturner]

I echo Raven and I would like to add that you are a gift to Joshie...not the other way around.

[feelingreyt]

Wow, she has some nerve! To actually suggest YOU get a credit card so SHE can "borrow"(whatever, GIVE is more like it) money from you. I am just sitting here, shaking my head. Some people!
I agree with everyone else. The time has come, ok, past due actually, to tell her the hand outs are OVER!
Good luck. It won't be easy, but it's something you really must do ASAP!