[xcammiex]

Hello. I want to first off say that I in no way mean to offend anyone here. I am trying to understand where the adoptive parents are coming from and I figured who better to tell me than adoptive parents.

I gave birth to a beautiful boy on Feb 14th of this year. There was a lot of fraud and coercion involved in the surrender on the part of the agency, not the adoptive parents. Well, after I found out (a day after he was officially placed with him) I told the adoptive parents that I would like him back. Ever since then, it seems like they dropped off the face of the earth (we were supposed to have a very open adoption). We went to court and they were there and saw all the evidence of the fraud and coercion. I didn't win in court because I only proved that what I said happened was more likely than not and not extremely more likely than not, but I thought that since the adoptive parents had heard and seen proof of why I surrendered, they would give him back. It's been over 6 months now and I haven't even seen a single picture or even gotten an update on how he is doing. I thought they understood because we were all crying in court. Now I am angry and confused and then I feel guilty for being angry because I know the agency mislead them at the beginning and they have been through a lot themselves with their infertility and then finally having triplets, but having them all die at the hospital. I just don't know what to do. All comments are greatly appreciated.

[FatherOfOne]

Definetely a very touchy subject.
But from an adoptive parent, you cant blame the adoptive parent. Unless they were part of the deception, which from what you said it doesnt sound like they were. While I am sure they have a heart felt concern for you, I know personally, as soon as our daughter was born, we became instantly attached, believeing that the adoption was ago. (ours turned out fine). So I imagine the adoptive parents became very attached to the little one, so arent ready to willingly just give up the child.

I know it is hard for the birth parents, but the bond that adoptive parents have once placed is very strong, and I know personally if the birthmother was to come to us wanting the child back, we would say no as well, because to us we are extremely attached.

I guess what is important to ask is, Why did you initially put the child up for adoption? How were you coercied? Did the agency do anything illegal?

Unfortunatly for all of these answers, the adoptive parents are not to blame, so just like you shouldnt be punished by losing your child, they shouldnt be punished by losing their child either. Its deffinetly unfortunate, and sadly, no one will ever truly win in the situation.

(I know my answer is a bunch of rambling, but this is a very hard question to answer, because I can only imagine how much it is hurting you. And I am sorry you have gone through this.)

[Bamamom07]

I am hopefully adopting my foster son who is an older child, I am mom to several bios and one step, so cannot speak as a mom who has relinquished or received a newborn. But from what you wrote, I imagine the adoptive parents felt they adopted your son in good faith, they legally adopted your willingly relinquished child, then discovered later your misgivings. But then they loved him dearly and are now terrified that somehow you will take their precious baby away. They probably feel any contact with you threatens their security with their baby, and are hoping you'll just "drop it". Legally, since you lost in court with your challenge, I don't know if there's anything else you can do that will succeed in getting your baby returned, only an attorney in your state could probably answer that. I think the only way you could succeed in getting the other parents to relax and correspond with you, would be if they could feel you are not a threat to them, meaning you are accepting of their adoption of your baby. Then they could share the joy of the baby you both love which they agreed to in the beginning. From what I've seen on this website, "open" adoptions are as open as adoptive parents choose to make them. Until they feel safe you will not try to take "their" baby away, your open adoption will probably remain "closed". I am so sorry you are going through this, and pray you are able to find peace.

[pwheatle]

I am so sorry for what has happened to you. I am an adoptive parent and have experienced extremely long waits for my children. That being said....it is my opinion that no matter what losses the adoptive parents had it does not make what they did right. If they knew of your wish to revoke your consent they morally (again my opinion) should have returned your baby to you.
Tricia

[mg1970]

First of all, I want to say how very sorry I am for what you are going through. It sounds like a tradgedy all around. We all hope our agencies are protecting everyone's interests so we don't find ourselves in a situation like this.

I've often wondered what I would do if I got into a contested adoption situation. It's really easy for me to say that I would do that right thing now, without my heart involved. But I just don't know. Who knows what is going to feel like the right thing when you are in it.

When I was researching agencies I read a lot of high profile cases about contested adoption. There were two kinds of cases 1) a birth father who suddenly surfaces and wants custody or 2) a birth mother who says she was coerced. But when I read the details from all sides it seems it usually came down to a birthmother who had a change of heart after it was legally too late -- so these other things were trumped up to make her case.

When these situations happen the birthmother can come off as emotionally unstable, and that gives the adoptive parents a sense of entitlement to the children. They feel they are better off than them. (I'm not saying that is how I feel, but what I get from these stories I read.)

I can understand why someone who promised an open adoption closes it when they feel threatened on having their children taken away. The only way you can salvage that is to stop fighting and accept your place as birthmother, and even that might not be enough to undo the damage. I can understand if you are not able to do that.

I just want to say again how very sorry I am for what you are going through. This is NOT the kind of adoption I want to find myself in, in fact it is my WORST FEAR.

I've often wondered if it would be appropriate for me to ask any potential birthmother at different points in the process -- is she sure this is what she wants to do. I know that is the social workers job, but I want to know for myself. I don't want my children to learn from their birthmother that they were taken away from their first mother. That is the kind of thing that keeps me up at night.

M

[startedover]

I'm sorry for you pain. Do you mind me asking how old the baby was the day after it was finalized and you changed your mind? My adoption was finallized when our daughter was almost 7 months. I will tell you at that time, the bond was just as strong as if I had given birth (I have two bio kids) and I can't imagine the pain of giving her back. That is why there are time limits and such to protect both sides of the adoption. I hope you can find some peace.

[slugbug0930]

I can't even imagine what you must be going through.....I am sure the pain is immense for all parties involved.

I think this was one of our biggest concerns about going with domestic adoption.......that somewhere along the line, we as adoptive parents would have bonded with a baby and then someone would come back and say "so sorry but I changed my mind and want my baby back". We didn't want to have to face giving our baby back.....because we knew that we just couldn't have handled that. So originally we wanted to do international adoption just to avoid that possibility. We did end up adopting DD domestically but it was an identified match with a bmom who really didn't have the options that it sounds like you have/had, as she will be in jail for a long period of time and her family wasn't able to take DD.

I am not sure what we would have done in the situation you described. I am hoping that it would have been the right thing for all involved.

[Saya]

Hi xcammiex, welcome!

First of all, I am so sorry for what you have suffered. No parent should have to go through what you have. I hate the fact that there are crooked agencies out there that will take advantage like this. YOU NEED NOT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT ANYTHING. You didn't owe anything to these people, no matter what they had suffered in the past.

It's hard to know what to say about the situation because I'm not sure I understand the details. I'm unclear at what point you said you wanted the baby back - after placement or after TPR was signed?

[RavenSong]

Camira, I took the liberty of Googling your case, and I have to say that I am totally appalled. What the agency's social worker did to you while you were in the hospital is way over the top. I know that this agency has been brought up in lawsuits in other states for using the same tactics.

I wish you luck. Nobody should be treated the way you were treated. Take care, and keep talking to us.

[thanksgivingmom]

Like Raven, I looked this up and I am beyond disgusted at what the SW put you through. I understand how soon a parent - any parent whether biological or adoptive - can fall in love with a child, yet I believe that I couldn't in good conscience parent a child who was only placed under such coercion.

[Stormster]

Originally Posted by thanksgivingmom

Like Raven, I looked this up and I am beyond disgusted at what the SW put you through. I understand how soon a parent - any parent whether biological or adoptive - can fall in love with a child, yet I believe that I couldn't in good conscience parent a child who was only placed under such coercion.

EXACTLY

or even parent a child who's parents (either or both) changes their mind so soon after placement even if there was no coercion. I could not look my child in the eye!

[Fran27]

What a horrible situation...

I would not have felt comfortable if the child placed with me had only been placed through coercion... but at the same time, if the agency is at fault, had they given your child back they would probably have lost all their money too... so it's really a tough one. Definitely doesn't excuse their behavior though.

[paigeturner]

Camira,

I just googled your story as well. I am so, so sorry that you've been put through this. I placed 25 years ago through the same agency as you did. Placing through that organization is one of the few regrets that I have about the decision I made to place my son. It is absolutly horrible that you were lied to and coerced.

Your case is just one more example of why radical reforms for infant adoptions are needed in this country.

My thoughts are with you.

[xcammiex]

I just want to say thank you all for your kindness. I'll give a bit more detail for those of you who had questions. I made an adoption plan at 8 months pregnant, which is when I found out. It was very shocking. After I gave birth, I wanted to keep the baby. That is when the hosp. SW came and said I could not because I had tested positive for cocaine and meth. Then her, the agency SW, and a first mom that the agency SW happened to have with her said that if CPS was called, the baby would be adopted through the state and I would never see him again or even know where he was. I knew I didn't do drugs but I thought that they had somehow accidentally switched samples. I asked for a retest but was denied. I asked if they could keep the baby in the hosp until the confirmation results came back and my mom also asked if she could take him until the results came in. Both requests were denied and I was told I had 30 minutes to make a decision. Faced with the decision of some contact vs no contact and no information, I signed the consents. The agency SW then called the adoptive parents and told them to fly out and get the baby without my permission.



What I found out later: My file was flagged so everyone knew about the pending adoption before I even got to the hospital. The hosp worker had both my confirmation test and the baby's drug test, both negative, but withheld that info from me.

Facts about adoption in Hawaii: There is no revocation period after consents where signed. The signing and placement take place the same day.

I believe someone asked when I asked for the baby back. It was one day after placement. An adoption petition had not been filed. The adoptive parents were still in Hawaii waiting on ICPC approval.

To the person who asked if they could ask the first mom if she was sure about her decision, I say absolutely. It shows that you care about her too and that you are concerned with ethics. IMO, it would make for a closer relationship between you two.

[ProspectiveSingleMom]

Considering how coercive and unethical the agency was with you, they are probably being just as unethical in their contact with the afamily. They may have told them to avoid contact with you, denied your accusations and convinced them that you were lying, told them horror stories about how you could kidnap the child, etc.

I am appalled that an agency can behave like this and get away with it, and I am even more appalled that any social worker would so callously disregard the code of ethics of the social work field. Assuming you know the SW's name, have you tried contacting whatever agency it is that licenses social workers in your state to file a complaint? I am studying to be a counselor, so I don't know how it works for social workers, but I know that for counselors a client can file a complaint with the state licensing board, which will be investigated, and the counselor could lose their license. This is separate from court proceedings, so you can still do it even if you lost in court.