[smash_effect]

So we got "the call" from edad Sunday night. An hour after arriving at the hospital she gave birth to a beautiful boy. We gave him his first bath, first diaper, etc. We stumbled home and woke up the next day to share our news!! Last night we were invited up by the e-parents to meet their families. So many comments were made about us parenting him (example- "oh, he'll be a good pooper for you!" or "he's a puker...do you have plenty of bibs?"). We even had a conversation with emom about how hard relinquishment will be Wednesday. She said she knows it she'll cry all day but that he's going to such a good home, etc.

She texted me this morning to say circumcision went great and he was a trooper. I texted her back to enjoy her day and that I'd talk to her later.

A few hours later our caseworker called to say edad has doubts and they want to take him home for a week before making their decision. Needless to say, my world crashed down. We feel like our hearts are being drug through the mud. We wonder why they involved us so much. We wonder why they had us meet their family and why so many comments were made that made us think this adoption was going through. I can't describe my level of shock. Though we read about this and tried to always know it could happen, we feel completely blind-sided. We also feel mad. I feel bad for feeling angry but it's hard not to.

My thought pattern is this- why take him home for a week and keep us wondering? I doubt that any bparent could resist parenting after the baby is home. Sorry for the rambling.

[huggableteach]

Ashley-
So sorry you have to go through this. I'll be thinking about you. Sending lots of hugs your way.

[SupaModel]

SOOOO Sorry!!!! (((HUGS)))

[Jensboys]

Ashley - actually, you will find that MANY agencies now (certainly here in canada) encourage first parents to take their babies home for a few days ... there is some logic to it

#1) if they CAN parent, they should, obviously

#2) studies show that time with first parent after birth makes the transition easier on baby - less truamatic and stressful. they adjust to one change (being out of womb) before having to adjust to another (a new caregiver)

#3) studies show that for first parents, transition is easier if they have had a chance to say hello before saying good bye. Time to say those things they want to or need to say to the baby before passing the child on to another family

#4) sometimes first parents need to see the reality of parenting.

I know if might feel blind sided, and yes they might decide to parent, and yes if that happens it hurts like hell, BUT saying all that, in the end, if they choose adoption you get the rest of the child's life, and they get a precious few days of memories and time.

If adoption is the right decision for them, it will still be the right decision for them in a week. I do have friends that just adopted a baby girl -- and it had been decided that first mom would take baby home for a week before placing her. Their placement still went ahead, and they still are able to have a positive open adoption.

Many hugs and prayers during this scary and difficult time for you all.

[4everwaiting]

I'm soooo sorry!!!

Wish there were something I could say to make it better!

Just know that we understand your feelings...

S

[Fran27]

So sorry

[Stormster]

I am so sorry. We had a placement fail after one week with the baby. If your placement does fail you will need a lot of support.

Please know that the baby will be wherever he is meant to be. Try and trust that it will be OK. Your child will find you.

[adoptingourfirst]

I am sorry sorry that this is happening to you too! We at least were warned 2 weeks before she gave birth that they were considering taking her home, but I don't think that it really hit us, until they actually did take her home that she wasn't going to be ours. It is so hard to understand why they would want to meet you and put you through all of that, I guess we just have to remember that it isn't about us, even though it sure feels like the hurt is being done to us.

I understand why some agencies promote birthparents taking home their babies so that they can see the realities of parenting and then maybe they can have a more peaceful acceptance of placing their child with another family... but if you aren't prepared for that option, which we weren't, and it doesn't sound like you were either it just plain sucks (sorry - there just isn't another word for it).

You are in my prayers.

[crystalp]

I'm so sorry! I wish I could say and do more.

[devildogwife]

Hang in there. So sorry.

[binkybear]

So sorry, sending you hugs wish I could say more. The support is here for you.

[JustCourtney]

Our agency also encourages bfamilies to take home the baby if there is any doubt, and they reiterate it to them in the hospital, too. they also encourage them to take as much time as needed before TPR (they can legally after 72 hours).

I know it is hard and you are feeling very raw right now, but in the end you want everyone to feel good about the decision that they made, and for them, that may mean going home together as a family for now. If they do decide to place with you, you will know it what they really want and you will feel so much better about it all.

Hang in there!

[Dallas_Mommy]

I am so sorry I can't imagine how devastated you feel right now, and surely you are holding out hope that they will change their minds.

As a prior bp caseworker all I can say is that they meant no malice or ill intent by having you there to bathe him, love on him, meet their families, etc. They must really be struggling with their decision, and it's much better that it happens NOW than in a week.

Just let them know that you are there if they need anything, and will give them the space they need to make their decision. All you can be is supportive of whatever they do.

And then go home and throw things, cry, and be angry. It's so hard to not have any control over the process. But if this baby is meant to be with you, he will be.

Again, I'm so sorry

[BlessedbySnuggs]

I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you are having to go through all of this. I can't even imagine the pain you are feeling right now. You and your DH will be in my prayers tonight! Again, I know words can't change anything right now, but we are here for you!

[Yash]

Ashley,

I'm praying for you, your hubby, this precious baby, and the birth family.