[RNB]

Our adoption began as an open one, but at the birthmom's request, it was closed after she presented him to us three months ago. She has not seen him since. And it has only been 1 week since our (closed) adoption was finalized.

We had our son dedicated at church Sunday a.m. Just as we are getting ready to walk up to the front to stand with our pastor we look to the left and there on the front row is the birth mom!!!! We went into a slight, okay massive, panic mode. "What is she doing here?" "What is she going to do?" "Did she know somehow we were dedicating him today?" "What do I do if she freaks out and makes a scene?" "What if she walks up crying and says she made a mistake and wants him back?" These are all the things that start going through our minds. My wife was so freaked out that we ended up leaving church early, so to avoid contact with her.

Don't get me wrong we are thrilled that she is in church, but we discussed this before and told her that if she wanted to go to the church we are members of, then we would be happy to switch to another one. She said, "No. That is your church. If I go to church, I'll go to another one." SO WHAT IS SHE DOING SITTING ON THE FRONT ROW?????? Then we go home and head back for evening services...she is there again. Both times my wife was freaking out and so we left church early.

Am I overreacting? Is it wrong of me to expect her to at least call us and say she is going to visit our church? Should I call her and ask her and let her know that was a shock and to let us know next time?

RnB

[SupaModel]

I can imagine how hard that must be.

[lovemy2boys]

"Rude" is a pretty subjective word, because you don't know if there was a motive behind it that would make it so...It's hard to say whether or not she "knew" the dedication was that particular day, and if she did know, whether or not she would have thought it a "bad" idea to show up in the front row...

Having said that, I would most definately have reacted exactly the same way as you and your wife! It must have been very unsettling to see her there when you didn't anticipate it!

No advice - just wanted to say that I empathize with how you are feeling...

[dawnrenee58]

OK, I am not in a domestic adoption, so take this with a grain of salt.

Talk to her? I am not sure what the issue is. Call her and tell her you are so glad she is back in church (because you are, right??!!) and how wonderful that you can see each other. Give her a chance to explain before you freak out!!!

[CaddoRose]

You might see if she shows up next Sunday. If she does, have the conversation about why she is there and if she intents on attending that church. If so, then you move and do not leave to forwarding address of your new church.

[powderpiggy]

I would say talk to her, perhaps she wants to have more contact but doesn't know how to ask, since she closed the adoption to begin with.

I am sure your wife will be much more relaxed once you just talk, instead of trying to avoid the situation.

Everything works much more smoothly when people actually communicate.

If you see her at church again, don't leave early, wait until the service is over and go up and greet her as you would anyone else you know.

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by RNB

Our adoption began as an open one, but at the birthmom's request, it was closed after she presented him to us three months ago. She has not seen him since. And it has only been 1 week since our (closed) adoption was finalized.

We had our son dedicated at church Sunday a.m. Just as we are getting ready to walk up to the front to stand with our pastor we look to the left and there on the front row is the birth mom!!!! We went into a slight, okay massive, panic mode. "What is she doing here?" "What is she going to do?" "Did she know somehow we were dedicating him today?" "What do I do if she freaks out and makes a scene?" "What if she walks up crying and says she made a mistake and wants him back?" These are all the things that start going through our minds. My wife was so freaked out that we ended up leaving church early, so to avoid contact with her.

Don't get me wrong we are thrilled that she is in church, but we discussed this before and told her that if she wanted to go to the church we are members of, then we would be happy to switch to another one. She said, "No. That is your church. If I go to church, I'll go to another one." SO WHAT IS SHE DOING SITTING ON THE FRONT ROW?????? Then we go home and head back for evening services...she is there again. Both times my wife was freaking out and so we left church early.

Am I overreacting? Is it wrong of me to expect her to at least call us and say she is going to visit our church? Should I call her and ask her and let her know that was a shock and to let us know next time?

RnB

I disagree with the previous posters. You were ambushed by the birthmother, not once, but twice. You were open to communicating with her, she said no. She said your church is your church--and now, without talking to you, she changed her mind and is showing up.

You don't need this drama. She should have the courtesy to discuss this with you, not just pop up without any warning.

Without a doubt, you need to discuss this with her. I would call her and offer to meet with her somewhere like a McDonald's or Starbucks, and have a quiet, direct conversation. Find out what she wants--if she doesn't know, then set some clear boundaries. You know what you want---tell her.

This is your child, you are the parents. I support you 100% in your decisions for your baby. I hope the final decision isn't that you end up having to leave your church home.

[Saya]

I apologize if this is going to sound harsh - I really don't mean it to. I can understand how confusing and startling it must have been to see her there, and I can understand the instinct to not talk to her. YES she should have told you she would be there, and if she knew it was your church and your son's dedication, she should have asked if she should come. Yes. I think it was rude.

But I am also thinking about her and trying to put myself into her shoes. Just 3 months ago she gave you this amazing gift, and she may still be in pain. You went through this difficult process with her and you share an amazing and profound bond with her - your beautiful son. I just think of her coming in there and seeing you there - whether she knew you'd be there or not - and when I think of her watching you leave early without talking to her, my heart just breaks for her. If I were her, I'd be hurt and confused. So going forward maybe think about 1) how would you like to be treated if you were in her shoes, and 2) what you will want to be able to tell your son as he grows up about your relationship with his birthmom. Do you want to be able to tell him that you kept your minds and hearts open to the idea of having her a part of his life? Or that it was too scary?

I mean, the adoption is final, there's no legal risk here, right? It's just what you and your wife feel comfortable with. You wanted open in the beginning and b-mom got cold feet. Maybe she wants to open the door and is too shy or afraid of rejection to ask.

Once again, my apologies if this is at all offensive. Whether you agree or disagree, I know you'll do what's best for your family.

[Vogi2002]

I have to agree with Saya. No offense attended at ALL but 3 months is NOT a long time, plus maybe she changed her mind? And if she DID want to be there for the dedication...well...I don't see a problem with that (I probably would have embraced her...said OH my goodness!! I didn't know you were going to be here!!) I know it might have surprised you to see her there, but she didn't do anything crazy right? Was she respectful? Did you go up to her and talk to her or act like she wasnt there (I can imagine the 2nd might have been very painful to her...)

Maybe she changed her mind on the contact? With all the emotions swirling around, I hope you would be open to that, I mean...it's a stressful time, she might have THOUGHT she wanted closed...then changed her mind.

I don't really see the shock and awe in this, BUT with this being my 2nd open adoption I have to tell you I have worked through a LOT of my emotions I had the first time around. Why can't you both go to the same church?

--all this being said I have no background on your child's bmom, so don't know if she has a history of manipulation maybe which is why it was assumed??

[binkybear]

How you approach or call bmom will probably depend on what you still want. Do you still want open, closed, attend the same church, don't attend the same church and hope you don't bump into each other at the supermarket.

I don't think anyone should be surprised like this intentionally. It's not right if she found out ahead of time and shocked you all like that, it's really not the right way to act..at all. If she said she would find another church then changed her mind this was not the day to make a front row appearance. In our church front row is family and as much as she is connected forever to your child, this was indeed an ambush of sorts if done intentionally. I can totally understand your surprise and confusion. When people say one thing and do another it's not ok...whether saying open and then closing OR saying closed and then ambush opening. Not good either way. IF that's what happened. A phone call can answer that. Make it light without accusations.

BUT in saying all of that.....thing is you can't ask that someone change their church for your sake. (Sounds like you were all members before hand ??? Not sure from original post) At one point you did put it out there that you would "relocate", why not just relocate now and not make anything of this at all. That way it's in your hands, you're making the choice for yourselves and your comfort levels. If you don't want to or feel you shouldn't have to relocate then maybe just expect to see each other now and again.

[mom2zachy]

"Then we go home and head back for evening services...she is there again."

I'm a little confused....was the dedication ceremony held during a service? Or did she just show up at a "private" event at church?

There may be legitimate reasons for this. She may have decided that, having gone through the trauma of losing her baby she just couldn't lose her church too and has been attending that church, and successfully avoiding you all this time. She may truly not feel able to handle contact with either your child OR you guys at this time. She may have been putting off contacting you b/c it's so difficult and it just blew up in her face a little. Yes, she may have agreed, in the moment, to not attend the same church as you guys but this is not exactly a strong time for her. In fact, I think three months is still a time of intense and acute pain for some birthmothers. Or she may have been privately encouraged/counseled by a pastor or a member of the church to stay.

I guess it all boils down to what your gut feeling about the birthmom is....maybe stepping back and realizing that, if the adoption is finalized, you ARE that child's parents, not her, and that is probably very much to her sorrow right now.

If you were initially going to do an open adoption, then I assume you liked her or felt enough of a liking for her that you were willing to let her be a part of your lives for 18 years. Try giving her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe consider giving her a phone call and find out what's going on in her head. Even if she DOES want a more open adoption at this point, it might not be so awful. Openness has a lot of levels and something like pictures and letters a couple times a year might really go far to helping this birthmom cope with such a huge thing in her life.

Of course, you guys are the parents and are in the situation whereas I'm just sitting at a desk, reading your post . Whatever you choose to do, may God bless you and your child's birthmom

[startedover]

I can see where you felt "panic". I would have probably felt the same way. Especially if the members of the church do not know the connection. My AD had a connection with our church family and it was very difficult while I waited for them to "put it together'. With that said, I do not have the nerves to wait another week to see if it was going to happen again. I would just address it. Unless she was going to that church before hand, it seems odd. But it also may end up to be a very big blessing.

[sbaglio]

I agree with RobinKay. Adoptions don't get more open than ours, so I'm a supporter of OA. But you are the parents. You need to bond with your child, and have your community see the child as your own. There is more than just the bmom in this triad.

[Mommy24]

Originally Posted by sbaglio

I agree with RobinKay. Adoptions don't get more open than ours, so I'm a supporter of OA. But you are the parents. You need to bond with your child, and have your community see the child as your own. There is more than just the bmom in this triad.

Did I miss where the Birth mom came up hollering "My child, My child"???

I mean no offense here but she was simply sitting in a pew at a church. She didn't over-step boundaries because it doesn't appear any have been put in place. Maybe she thought that because the parents of her child were "open" to having an open relationship that it would be ok? maybe not, however I don't see where her sitting in a pew at a church is so wrong???

Now, had the OP said that she stood up and made it known that she was the birth mom and that was her daughter, or had she made a scene, well then that would be a problem!

OP: Talk to her, communicate with her, if not, this will likely happen again.

Good luck!

[trixila]

First, kudos to Susan for reminding us of the importance of saying our children WERE adopted, not are adopted. It's a big deal. Thank you for stating it. Second, I have never placed a child I carried for nine months for adoption. I have no idea the incredible emotions that accompany such a selfless act. So I give my children's birthparents alot of sway. When my son's wonderful birthmother told us she wanted to close our extremely open adoption, it was hard. She told us that it was because contact reminded her of a time when her life was in the toilet. She has come so far since (married a great guy, college, career, home ownership) We were lucky that she changed her mind and we got back on track. She lives 1000 miles away and we talk 2x a year (Thanksgiving and Mothers Day) Please try to put yourself in her shoes, as hard as it may be. You are still in the entitlement stage of parenting a newborn adoptee. The adoption is final, she is not a threat. Yes, in a perfect world, the situation in church would not have happened. Accepting a placement from a local birthmother can create scenes like this. Try to reach out to her. THree months post delivery, it must be so difficult for her. You have 'her' child. You may be in a stable relationship, a home, and many of the things that she may not have. I am sorry for all of the drama that you have gone through, when all you want to do is enjoy and raise your child.