[srusse24]

DH and I are the proud parents of two beautiful boys that came to us through private domestic adoption. Now we are in the research phase of adopting again, but this time we would like to adopt an older child through the state/foster care.

We have a few questions though...

Where do we begin?
What is the process?

Also, how might this effect my other children (bringing in an older child and upsetting the birth order)?

Thanks for any help!

[vegaschristina]

The way to begin is to contact your county's foster care program and ask about their next training session.

Best of luck!

[mommamarci]

Funny seeing this. We are planning to start the foster care stuff ponce we get the boy's medical issues behind us! Hopefully about the time Spencer turns one we will be approved and ready!! But, we are going to do babies, younger than our boys, straight foster. (We would be open to adopting one of our placements down the road, but are planning to do emergency placements, respite care, anything. If one becomes on an adoption path, great! If not, great anyway!)

Keep me posted how it goes!

Oh and I just noticed in your siggy, Grayer was born 3 days after the one year mark from finalizing Tyler's adoption. Spencer was born 5 days after for us! It is funny because I told N at finalization, we would see her in about a year! I called that one, huh?

[greenrobin]

We foster. It's a very hard, very rewarding journey.

First, call either CPS or a local agency and set up your classes. There's a mountain of stuff to do. Probably not nearly as high as the adoption stuff though. Whoever you decide to go with will walk you through the process. We took 30 hours of class, did CPR, homestudy, background check and fingerprinting, inspections, TB tests, more inspections. Just a bunch of stuff!

We only foster 0-10. My youngest child is nearly 13. We did bring in 1 14 yr old girl. Big mistake. He did fine. It was the then 18 yr old who became her target when she did not get her way. She made false accusations of SA.

Not all kids are like that, but those that have been around awhile have learned some pretty harsh things in order to survive. Older kids have special challenges, even if RAD isn't one of them. You didn't say what you considered to be older. You can get very good info from the agency that you choose.

Personally, I wouldn't rock the birth order boat. Everyone has a role in a family. J's was being the baby. He has had major adjustment issues to having little folks in the house. I cannot imagine what it would have been like if we had continued to take kids who were older than him.

My biggest concern was protecting him. Some kids are aggressive. Some are predatory. Some are great. Bottom line, though, is that J was always with me, he will always be with me, and my child must be safe. We actually disrupted on 3 kids (besides the teen) who physically threatened to harm him. Sounds really bad when you read it, but it was more than we were able to handle.

Consider it carefully. It may work out wonderfully for your family. It may not. Just be sure to talk it over with cws and your kids before you make your decision.

[shy_bear]

You need to think really long and hard about adopting out of birth order. We have two girls adopted domestically and we adopted a newborn from fc. The children in care are there for a reason; many have attachment issues, have been sexual abused, are born with drug or alcohol issues, have experienced neglect and abuse. This obviously has an effect on a child. I know some counties in our area will not let you go out of birth order b/c of the risk involved. Go over to the special needs boards...they can give you a lot of insight. I am not saying older child adoption does not work out, but you need to be very cautious. We had discussed an older child, but after talking with our county we decided we could not put our kids at risk.

[Linny]

I couldn't agree more with Shy bear. We did infant adoption, and after several years, went with foster system adoption. We didn't disrupt birth order; but felt we didn't want to have a newborn again at that time. (The oldest child we adopted had just turned 7yrs old. The youngest had just turned 3yrs old.)

While I personally know of some older child adoptions that have succeeded, I can guarantee that most have not been a 'walk in the park'; and, I have to be honest in saying there are many that do not succeed---even if they seemed pretty good for many months before adoption was finalized.

Please be very, very careful, and sure to educate yourselves much more than the classes offered by your local DCF. I would highly recommend you attend/join a support group for people who've adopted older children (and by older, I mean more than 18months-2yrs) well before you actually adopt an older child. 'Those who know' can offer support and education you'll never see/hear from any class.

After dealing with older child adoptions for many years, we decided we'd never do it again. We went back to private infant adoption.

Sincerely,

Linny

[katie52]

I think that your children are still too young and vulnerable to bring older foster kids into your home.
It is so sad to say that ---I wish I did not know some of the things I learned which make me say that.

My next door neighbor used to be an 'emergency' foster-er. Her kids were grown, her husband was retired police officer, and she was a retired teacher.
She would get last minute , or ' temporary' placements, kids who were in a difficult situation, because they were coming in or out of a foster home/ group home
or their old home. She would help 'transition' them,
and give them a loving home while the state worked out red tape etc. Sometimes she would get kids dropped off in the middle of the night. She was amazing lady and she taught me so much when our kids were little.
Anyway, I met some adorable and wonderful children that moved through her home. But I also heard some gut wrenching stories. Most of the kids were victims of physical or sexual abuse at some point. Some were victimized so often it is unthinkable. But sadly, it often teaches them to do the same. And these poor kids, often quiet, seemingly loving and kind, SOMETIMES act out what they have experienced at the hands of monsters, on the weak and vulnerable younger kids. It is not really their fault, but it is a dangerous situation sometimes.
This couple was accused of SA a few times by teen girls, and each time, they forgave the girls, because they were not really in their right minds because of all they have been through.

Now, these kids my neighbor fostered were some the most difficult placements, so I may be overreacting.
I would just keep my eyes and ears wide open while I researched the possibilities.

[hesabanana]

Please make sure you are educated about pursuing children who are freed for adoption versus those who are "legally at risk" and not yet freed. You and your spouse need to decide if you are able to tolerate that risk, and impose it on your other children. We did, and it broke my heart. We opted out of the foster/adopt system and to pursue international because of it. Best of luck!

[Yash]

If your state allows private agencies to do foster care, I would contact some of these agencies. I went through a private agency and the 24 assistance, the extra support I got from them I found to invaluable.

Also beware when bringing an older child in your home because for some insane reason DCF sometimes doesn't reveal all the issues the older child has. I say its insane because if you tell them you're interested in an older child obviously you've done your research and talked to other families who have adopted or fostered older children, yet I believe DCF fears you might not foster or adopt if you knew the full truth so they withhold facts.

I will give DCF the benefit of the doubt and say that sometimes they don't know all the issues an older child has because the child has not revealed it to anyone.

Talk to as many people as you can, read as much as you can about adopting older children.

Definitely visit the foster care boards. They are great on this site.

Best of luck!