[aclee]

The birth father's termination really makes me wonder. Ty's bfather terminated with his bmother, but they still had to run the registry. Our attny did warn us...it wouldn't be the first time a father came back other than the one I've already terminated, so don't sit too comfy. I didn't remember that she said that till this moment. I think for everyone, with every child...the bonding is different. I know that how we bond with foster children will be much different than how we bonded with Tyler. I can be changing his chocolate brown bum and think, gosh his poop smell just like his Dad's...I don't think on a minute by minute basis that he's adopted. He reminds me in MANY ways of DH, and myself (can you say temper, temper?) I think that once you can settle into your parenthood more and stop worrying about the minute my minute adoption stuff it helps a lot. I think it HELPED that I took a break from here when Ty was first home (had to with DH in the hospital). Did that make him less adopted? No of course not, but I was able to just be Mom, and not adoptive mom.

One interesting thing that our social worker told us, EVERY TIME we saw her was that she was amazed at my "comfort" with my attachment to Tyler. She said she saw attachment with DH and Tyler, but she has met with thousands and adoptive parents, and counseled thousands of bio-parents, birth parents etc. She's seen almost all of them in relation to their children, and she was amazed (and would say it over and over) that I was so at ease with my attachment and motherhood to Tyler. She asked if I was worried about our attachment, if I had concerns or was proud how well we attached and I would I would just shrug and say, No, he's my son. Of course, once she made such a big deal about it, THAT made me worry, what if I don't have that amazing easy attachment with another child I adopt...what does that mean?

I can't comment how it happened or when. From the minute I curled up with him and fed him his first bottle, he was my child. Yes he came to me after being birthed to another woman, and she is important, but this is my son, and I knew that...so maybe I never thought about how he could be taken away...I don't know. Makes me all emotional. For me, when I got Ty in my arms it was a HUGE...AHHH...moment...a moment of realization I guess.

Also wanted to share (although I know you are not a transracial Mommy) that there are stages to "adoption" (says my social worker)...she said, that it is totally normal to first see your child and think...(these are the stages she told me, so take out the transracial stuff)

1) This is my black, adopted son.
Eventually you look at your child and think...
2) This is my son and he is black and adopted.
Eventually...
3) This is my son, and he is black. (she says mental race acknowledgments usually "end" last)
Finally...
4) This is my son.

She told us this so we could realize that it was OK for us to go through it, and that we should also expect our family to go through it. Because family sees less of the baby, it might take them longer to make the steps, but they would.

I have to admit that even in my "complete" attachment there were days I would pick up Ty and all the sudden thing...Holy Cow. I have a black son. Oh yeah and he's adopted...So clearly for us, we "forgot" he was adopted before we "forgot" he was black. (clearly we don't forget any of these things, they just are not part of every thought we have of Ty now)

I guess I just wanted to say that to still realize in your heart this is an adopted child isn't something to worry about. I do think that the father's termination can impact your attachment. There was one Mom on here (maybe more than one) i think it was Supa that had to wait 30 days on revocation of the bmom TPR too (is that right Supa?) I know for many on this board, we were all holding our breath for her...I can only imagine how she felt. I could barely look at pictures of her little man without that though filling MY head.

Everyone is different, every kid is different, every situation is different, every attachment is different. Even after your in the clear with bfather TPR there will likely be a different attachment process and it could have very little to do with bio vs adopted. Could be first vs second, could be boy vs girl, could be oldest vs youngest. Could be ALL of that.

Good Luck. (Ok I realize that was A LOT about mine. But only about MINE, so take it with a grain of salt!)

[Carlee1boy]

I am the mother to one biological and two adopted children. My biological son came first, and I was "ooey gooey" and hormonal, and to be honest a bit freaky. I remember kneeling on the floor by the bed on his first night home from the hospital and weeping (weeping I say) in thanks to God for this beautiful creature. NOT ME, and NOT my personality. Definitely the hormones. (Not that he wasn't and isn't a beautiful boy, I'm just not typically emotional like that).

Fast forward four years later to our trip to Guatemala to pick up our son. I was nowhere as nervous and freaky. I attribute that to not being a first time mom and to the fact that he was seven months old and not a breakable newborn. However, I have to admit that the bonding took much longer than it did with my firstborn. We had a very difficult first three months home, in which he slept very little. He was grieving for his foster mother. While I felt so sad for him, my exhaustion made me ill-tempered as well. My older son and husband bonded much sooner than I did. That said, I will never, ever forget the first time he completely relaxed in my arms. He laid his head on my shoulder, sighed, and completely relaxed. I cried and cried, and felt that we truly became mother and son at that point.

Same thing with my daughter. While she did not have the aforementioned sleep issues, she was VERY reserved for quite some time. It took almost a year before she completely trusted us and before her true personality came out.

So for me, the bonding was very different for all three. But the love I have for them is not. I hope that makes sense and helps.

Carolyn

[KarynB]

Great post Axlee! I found the four stages really interesting and so true.

I really like your idea of taking a "forum" break, too. I often have to do that when I get too obsessed with race issues, or adoption issues. I forget sometimes I am just their mom when I am surrounded by it all the time - and while adoption and race issues are a part of our lives, it is not the ONLY part.

[Whirled_Peas]

Yeah, I don't want to underestimate the dad thing, or how little prep time we had (aka none.) I was just telling a friend IRL how I still can't believe I have a baby.

I do already forget she's adoptive. She's got our son's nose, my husband's asymmetrical nose. Our son's toes. I'm constantly comparing the two little ones because they are so alike. She does look like we made her.

She's totally bonded to us. When a friend was holding her, she was too busy looking at our son to give the friend any attention. She makes really great eye contact.

She is just as easy, if not easier, than our son was (once again, yeah for attachment parenting.) Having 2 is no big deal. Our son easily adjusted to this whole thing. He's even accepted me limiting him to one "milkie" so she has access to a side he hasn't drained.

I want to share a way cute story. I was holding her and he and I were sharing a bowl of oatmeal. He wanted to feed me. He put his hand under the spoon so none would fall on the baby. What a great kid!

[Stormster]

Originally Posted by Whirled_Peas

I want to share a way cute story. I was holding her and he and I were sharing a bowl of oatmeal. He wanted to feed me. He put his hand under the spoon so none would fall on the baby. What a great kid!

Awww that is so cute!

Yeah the ten days I was on break from here was a really good thing in a lot of ways.

[EZ2Luv]

I believe it is a little of both holding yourself back just in case something goes wrong with the adoption and alot of second time mom. My first I was like you described. I was in constant panic mode a terrified that he would suddenly stop breathing or he was so fragile that no one but me could handle him.

I learned by the second one that he wouldn't break and I was alot more calm. The bonding was different too and these both were bios. the first was an instant OMG bond and teh second was a gradual one like OK this little person depends on me, I must do that and that. The fear wasn't there with the second one. He wasn't going to turn blue and stop breathing if I took 2 extra seconds to get his feeding.

I think in your case once you know for sure that all is clear with the adoption your bonding will be alot more relaxed and natural.

Right now just enjoy your little bndle as much as you can. I also enjoyed my second baby alot more because I wasn't constantly afraid.

EZ